Cheating

[nikki]

I just need to share this with someone,i'm a little shocked at the moment ,this afternoon i had a lovely time after getting dressed, my wife said she would do my makeup and as always she made me look really glamourous.When i'd been dressed about an hour or so, she said we needed to talk and she went on to tell me that she's being having an affair for about 3 months,well i couldn't believe it.She said it had started around the time i started to dress again fully after a gap of about 18 yrs.Even though she has been very supportive now the kids have grown up,she thought i was getting obsessed with being Nikki and maybe i was after such a long time.She was even picking out clothes for me and surprising me with new skirts and makeup.My minds in a whirl at the moment she says she dosen't want us to split up but felt she had to tell me.I hope we can work through it but i can't think straight.
Has anyone on here had a similar experience.
Nikki

[Wendy me]

wow thats so not right ....see i belive that there's no dateing in being marryed and if you are acctracted to some one else then you should tell your so right up frought
i do hope for the best for you bouth .....

[Emily Ann Brown]

Wooaaahhh. I am sooooo sorry Nikki.

Although I have not had that experience, my daughter has. I guess the first question is has the affair stopped? Then you have to ask yourself if the love you have for her can forgive her straying.

Don't do anything until the shock is over and you can think clearly again. I don't think the usual solution to all problems...go shopping...is gonna work in this instance.

We're all here if you need an ear to talk off.

Emily Ann

[Jenny Beth]

I am a firm believer in monogamous relationships. If it were me I'd give her a chance to get our relationship back on track, otherwise I'd be gone.

[Sweet Susan]

I find it very interesting that your wife would get you all dolled up as Nikki and then tell you about the affair. She obviously thought this scenario through very carefully. I wouldn't be surprised if her lover knows about your crossdressing desires; perhaps it was a "group" decision. Also, I would imagine that at some point in her logic, she has convinced herself that you are having an affair with yourself, which would help her reconcile her situation outside of your marriage. I was once married to a philandering woman. In her words, I wasn't man enough for her. It was a blow, but I'm sure she believed it, and she pretty much convinced me of it, as well. I don't recommend a divorce or a separation, but I wouldn't convince myself she can be trusted. You might just have to live with it, because affairs can be an addictive behavior, and there is really no assurance she won't do it again. Counseling wouldn't hurt. Some men don't mind accepting the role of a cuckold, it may be a choice you'll have to consider.

[Priscilla1018]

To me,wrong is wrong.If you are married you don't fool around,and yes it works both ways.Fantasize is okay,or as my wife says,"look but don't touch".

[Stephenie]

I'd say talking is the way to go right now but, be prepared for answers that you may not like. May be she dressed you up so that you would not walk out on her before she could say everything she need to. Or to show how she was understanding and hoped that you would be too.

I hope for the best for you in this.

Hugs

[Ashley in Virginia]

Sorry to hear about this. If you don't mind sharing a bit, what were her reasons, was it the dressing or something esle?

[Kimberly]

Work through this with her, and don't reject her!!

From your experience's of a wanting of acceptance as a CD try and be supportive for your relationship and the pressures she is under. Support will bring you closer together.

Just my two cents :)

[GypsyKaren]

Personally I would try to work through it if the love is still there, but I wouldn't let her blame you or your dressing for the reason she did it. I hope things work out okay for you.
GypsyKaren

[paulaN]

I have mixed feelings on that one. but you had better let things settle in befor you you do anything. good luck I hope everything turns out ok.

[Lauren Richards]

Great set up. Let's get the guy all dressed up and then blame him for choices made by the wife. Standard manipulation technique to deflect attention from where it really needs to be: on the wife's behaviour. The magic shows know how to do this very well. Lots of motion to draw your attention over here, then sneak something by you while you aren't looking over there.

This is about her. Don't for a minute allow the attention to shift to you, because this is not about you. It's about her. Her choices. Her behaviour.

And what a way to tell you. Not enough in your post to know, but it could be taken two ways (or even more). Did she get you all comfortable, and then walk you off the plank by blaming your dressing for her actions, or did she get you all comfortable so she could show how much she understands and supports you, and wanted you to feel good about yourself while was telling you what she had done?

Where you go from here is the big question. People make mistakes. My take on this is if she continues to blame you instead of taking full responsibility for her actions, your relationship is toast - watch your bank account, and get a good lawyer. If she is honest, asks for forgiveness, and takes full responsibility for her actions, then wouldn't we all like to be given that second chance?

This is tough on anyone, and like learning to walk in heels, takes time. Give it that. And even after you learn to walk in heels, remember, you still have to wear the right size or you will always be unconfortable. If the shoe fits, wear it. If not, put it back on the shelf and get a new pair.

Best wishes. Give yourself the grace you deserve, and work to get the life you deserve, too.

Lauren

[Holly]

Nikki, you've been given some really good advice here. Wait until your head clears before you make any decisions. You adnd your wife need to sit down and have some serious discusions about where the two of you are going. You may need to enlist the help of a competent counselor to assist you in this. Please let us know how you are doing.

[michelle-jean]

you have gotten alot of good advice here .but lauren i think has said it best. and all i can say is like every body else please stay calm,,,,,as hard as it is to do. you can be hurting by your self you don,t need any help. michellejean(mrs.highheels)p.s.i have been where you are.

[Julie]

Nikki,

Your experience sounds very familiar, although my wife wasn't cheating on me. I had gone about ten years w/o and then I started dressing every weekend and going out. She never had that talk with me but I knew she wasn't totally comfortable with it. She had in the past been supportive and participated in my dressing by doing my makeup, buying things for me and taking the kids to her mom's so I could have a dress up weekend. Even after I started dressing again and going out she was, on occasion, helping with my makeup.

Then she helped convince me I should transition and said she would be by my side all the way. All of the sudden, in an instant, she wanted a divorce. I'm still shell-shocked.

[nikki]

Hi, and i would like to thank you all for your kind words at this time.I appreciate all your posts and the different ways you would approach my problem.

We are still talking things through, after 26yrs together we are dealing with it in
a really calm way which is surprising to us both.We have both discussed how it as managed to come to this point but i do agree with her that i have changed a hell of a lot since i brought Nikki back.I have become a little overpowering,wanting to dress and talk about crossdressing whenever we have any spare time together.We go shopping together and all i want to do is look at clothes and makeup for myself so i do agree i'm being selfish.I also realise that my wife has been so understanding in regards to my dressing and i know not everyone can say that they have that support.

I know i would be horrified if anyone else knew about my dressing(except you girls on here of course).She says she would never tell anyone else about me.I asked if she'd told her lover and i believe her when she said no.

I asked her did she think it was my fault she started the affair.She said no and said it was something that happened over a period of time.It is someone she has worked with for a while now.He's also married but at 28 he is 16yrs her junior,maybe she's flattered that a young guy finds her a turn on.I don't know we haven't got that far yet.I do know him and thinking back at party's he has shown an interest in her,being very friendly and asking her to dance with him.They did look close but i just put it down to being friends.How naive do i look now?

I love her like crazy and i don't know how it will all end but i don't want to lose her.We've issued no ultimatums we are just still talking.
Nikki
p.s on a lighter note.I was suposed to be wearing waterproof mascara but i looked a tear stained mess.

[Jenny Beth]

You are talking in a civil manner to each other and that's the best thing you can do right now. You have many years invested in this marriage and I doubt she wants to throw that away. Chances are if you back off on the amount of time you spend dressed and give her the man she needs you will find some common ground you can both live with. Hang in there, all is not lost as I see it.

[JoAnnDallas]

Nikki.... A thought just came to me. Does she feel that you were cheating on her, because of Nikki? That you are having a affair with Nikki, and she mabey unconcoisustly used that to justify her affair?? I could see how you being a CD and dressing up as a women, might cause a problem. Remember Nikki is another women that is getting a lot of attention from you and your wife may be threaten by her.

As others have said, you and your wife need to talk, talk, talk.

[Krissi]

Nikki,

I've been watching this post a few days trying to come up with the right thing to say. There have been a couple other threads a lot like this one, where wives have had issues and then tried to blame crossdressing as the reason for their problems. It sounds to me (after reading your last post) that there may be some issues in your marriage that aren't exactly crossdressing related. I was just reading an article on MSN about affairs, and it sounds like your situation falls into some of the classic patterns that they discussed in it.

1. While you are spending a lot of time with your wife, it sounds like she is feeling ignored. Its hard for us who want to feel all girly to not get caught up in that, but we have to remember that our wives want husbands too. It almost sounds like she started treating Nikki how she wanted to be treated. I know I went through a period where I would practice my walk and my voice rather I was dressed or not, and it didn't take my wife long to put a halt to that. But don't feel bad, it sounds like this was probably an issue before you started dressing again. They didn't just fall into bed the day you put on a dress. There had been some ground work laid for this relationship long before that.

2. The old mid-life crisis thing. Look at all the books, movies, and TV shows about the old____ and the younger____. Believe it or not this has a strong pull on us, even if we don't admit or really notice it. I know I'd never really had much thought about younger women until I had a client come in 18yrs old, and flirt with me like crazy. Now I don't know if she thought I was good looking or if she thought I'd give her a better rate on her car insurance, but that lil appointment set my head and dreams thinking about girls. Same thing with your wife, a younger man showed some interest, did some flirting. Your wife dwelling on the first point up there enjoyed the attention. I bet if you think back on it, you'll notice what she wore to work might have spruced up a bit over the last year. So you have lonely older woman, charming younger man, its almost like a soup.

3. Complacency. We get in that rut, spouses become almost like one person. It gets boring. Mix that in with the top two and somethings gonna happen.

Now what does all that have to do with your dressing. For the most part nothing. Though spending all the available time on it didn't help, but the way it sounds she was already hooked. This will sound bad, but Nikki did benefit from the affair. Her guilt is what made her supportive and helpful. You see that with cheating spouses. The cheating husband that buys the wife a bunch of jewlery, the cheating wife that starts cooking all his favorite dishes.

We're trained to think that fallout from every infidelity is brutal screaming and fighting. That's not always the case. Lots of couples see it as a warning sign and work on their relationship. I'm really impressed that you guys can sit down rationally and get to the bottom of things with out a bunch of screaming and accusations. You'll both have decisions to make and adjustments either way this goes. If you do stay together, which it sounds like could be a very good possibility, you'll have to not only bridge trust issues, but also attention and communication issues as well.

[PaulaJeanette]

Nikki,

From what I've read, over the course of your 26 year-marriage and your life as a crossdresser, your wife has been supportive and understanding of your needs. Now, the tide has changed and the roles are reversed; the ball is in your court!

Listen to some of the advice given by the others, many are wise and experienced, but above all, remember when your wife had to deal with your crossdressing, remember her understanding, her patience, her belief in you, and, above all, her love for you.

It is YOUR time to forgive and love her as she once did for you! Good luck!

Hugs,

Paula J.

[StephanieCD]

My two cents...

Sex is an act of desire - love is something different, thought the two often include each other. Your wife's seeking elsewhere signifies an unmet desire - but not an unmet love. Openly LISTEN to her when you ask her - what need were you not meeting... I bet, if she's buying you skirts, she's meeting your needs. Give and take, give and take.

Wishes, hun, wishes - for real.

[Holly]

Nikki, keep it up, honey. You're on the right track. Keep listening! Your wife will tell you all that you need to know to keep your relationship going.

[Lauren Richards]

Nikki,
Consider if you will that perhaps a degree of what you saw as support and acceptance was guilt-driven, rather than love-driven. It is not uncommon for someone who is cheating on a spouse to do and say things which appear to be thoughtful and caring, but in reality are smoke designed to conceal the underlying guilt for inappropriate choices and behaviour. Take the rose-colored glasses off and crush them under your classic pumps. Being crazy for your wife is fine, and endearing, but don't let the crazy part drive away the part which needs to be there to look after your future.

You had a great past. Wonderful! Now, what does it take to have a great future? Honesty is a good start, and it seems you need to address this with not only your wife, but with the person in the mirror. This was NOT your fault. She did what she wanted to, just like you. You went bonkers over Nikki, she reached outside the relationship for what she thought was lacking. NOT your fault, so knock off the poor-me crap.

What do you want in five years? Answer that question without inserting the immediate knee-jerk reaction of "my wife!!", and you may be able to make it thru this. Let go of what you think you want. It is too soon, and you are too close to the hurt to know right now. It is going to take time to find the answer. This is a wonderful opportunity for both of you to step back and think about what you both need. Unless you are open to a truthful answer, you will never be happy. Really happy. And you (and she) deserve that. If you stay together, make sure it is for the right reasons. Obligation and history are not enough. They are a good foundation, but not enough to sustain the flame. Don't rush.

The answer will be there when you are ready. You will know when you know. No earlier. Get yourself ready for the spin cycle, then rinse, repeat. Again. And again. This is about loss, and everyone goes thru the cycles of anger, mourning, grief, blame, etc. at their own pace, in their own way. It won't be easy. Your old relationship died. And bye the way, going thru the cycle is a continuous process, not a one-off event. You will pass thru the same phases several times, at different levels. What an opportunity for really understanding who you are, and what you need. When you feel like crap, remember that great roses grow best from rich manure. Aged manure is best. The fresh stuff burns, and withers the plant. Wishing you Time and Patience; for you, and your wife.

Lauren

[Mitzi]

Nikki...

It sounds to me like your wife is a good person. Okay, she strayed, but consider the circumstances. I assume you were a devoted husband giving her love and affection, at least a lot more than after you started dressing again, then gradually retreating into your own world. Even though she doesn't blame your crossdressing, it's a situation crying for some attention. And who can blame her for succumbing to the lure of a younger guy showing her the afffection she's missing.

The fact she's owning up to her affair and not blaming you tells me she doesn't really love the other person, he was just an irristible boy toy at a vulnerable time. She loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

But then I guess I'm just a romantic...

Mitzi

[eileen1969]

I see this here everywhere with couples! and it does not matter what gender to be honest! Cheating is Lust! and really no question about this! People whom are in relationships often wonder why this happens often! People tend to see lust as love! Love does not cheat on one nor does it have a gender...
Love comes within yourself! and those who either put conditions on love and wonder why relationships fail today! Remember when we were kids that we once loved without conditions? always remember that has never left us!~ we left love thus "where's the love?~ its in you just have to feel the return to innocense!" ( ya know what I mean bean?) laters and God gets those who lust! its a sin! :eek: :rolleyes: ;)

[nikki]

Thanks for all your help and support over the past days i really appreciate your words of encouragement or otherwise.We're still talking and the telltale signs of what some of you have said were already there if only i'd noticed.She also says it is/was purely lust.The way she started to dress just a little bit more sexily,the way she would put the phone down when i entered the room or it would go dead if i picked it up.I agree that me staring to dress again would have had made no difference this was probably always going to happen.They have spent lunchtimes together and even after work on Fridays for a drink which would cause her to be 2\3hours later than usual,she always said there was a few of them.All i saw this has was another opportunity to dress when most times i was alone.

She still has to work with him and i don't know for sure if it has ended yet.We are still at an early stage of talking and with normal life and family and work it is going to be a slow process.Our boys still live at home so we don't need to involve them.Anyway we will sort it out i'm quietly confident.

I'm so glad i found this forum the support is wonderful.
Thank you all Nikki

[Stephenie]

Hug and hope you can keep talking.

[ashleyk]

Hey girl, I am sorry to hear that. Just remeber to keep your head up and focus on one day at a time. Time will tell what is best for you and your wife. Us girls will always be here for you, so keep your head up....

[Krissi]

I am soo glad to see that you guys are able to talk about things, and I'm also glad to see that your dressing isn't the excuse being used. Perhaps you guys can overcome and build an even stronger relationship out of all of this. I wish you both the best.

[Tristen Cox]

My best wishes to you Nikki. *HUGS* Hope everything works out. Only time will tell. :hugs:

[Billie Jean]

My wife told me that she had been in a three way with her best friend and her husband, thing is she waited to tell me this as my mother was on her deathbed. After trying to deal with it for a year or so I felt we had grown closer, then a few years later when I was in nursing school,(which needs a lot time devoted to studies) I caught her in another affair. Our children were just entering highschool. I wanted to work things out, but we both knew I'd never forgive her and we divorced. That was actually a good thing as we get along and had an amicable split and had reached an agreement before hiring a lawyer to handle our case. I frinished school and the kids spent equal amounts of time with each of us. Niether of us thought the other to be a bad parent and had a joint custody of the kids. It also gave me more time to spend dressed at home when I was alone

[Deborah]

From personal experience....once a cheat always a cheat. Let her go imho.

[Rachel Ann]

I'm sure that this won't be a popular point of view, but here goes nothing anyway.

People stray for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes just once, sometimes frequently. Sometimes always with the same person, sometimes with a variety of people. I would never leave someone over a mere instance of infidelity, but a prolonged affair is something else.

I'll just say that if you're my partner and you do cheat, MAKE SURE THAT I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT IT. That means no STDs, keep it away from everybody I know, don't change your comings and goings in suspicious ways, not hang-ups on the home phone. And, for God's sake don't "Confess" - that is just cruel. If you are going to leave me for someone else, I don't need to know that part of it, just that you're leaving. Have the decency to make up a plausible story.

I confess to having cheated in the past (though at times when the sexual side of the relationship had been clearly, permanently defunct for a long time - like years). Besides the rules listed above, I felt that my primary duty was not to divert money or emotional commitment from my family in this matter.

It continues to amaze me how many women insist that only men cheat.

Rachel xx