Toni_Lynn
04-19-2009, 01:09 PM
Hi All
I haven't been active here for about a month. Not because of any bad things in my life or crossdressing, or a purge or anything. I have been sooooo busy. Working for what is now one of the largest banks in the USA, and one that is doing well and not bleeding red ink, my work has been so busy given the fat that we have taken over a competitor. In fact, I have been told by my boss that I am in the proverbial cat-bird's seat in as much as where I fit in to things. Another manager has told me that I am one person who need not worry about job security (or insecurity as the case may be).
Things with my wife are grand! Everyday is a new and wonderful experience that deepens our love. Her acceptance of my crossdressing also grows and deepens.
There is one place where it has gotten very interesting though. If you look over there <---- you will see my picture in my avatar. Yes, it is me, but from maybe 15 years ago. Since that time I have gained weight and lost weight in a horrid yo-yo. Over the last several, I did gain, so that pic is not representative of what I look like now. But -- I made it a goal to lose again.
The thing there is that I have to use my crossdressing as a motivation. I did this before, and it was always because -- and this is the crux of it all -- I want to see me! I want to meet me, hold me and hug me, I want to get to know me, I want to see me in the mirror -- and that me is a girl. I thought that before when I would lose weight I'd see her and meet her if I I had a makeover/ dress-up session done. Unfortunately, the one at Wildside in Toronto was too fetishistic -- and the girl that I saw wasn't me, and the one that I had done in New York was just not who I was. Even the girl that I appear as in my avatar isn't me, but she is the closest I have ever come to meeting her.
No, I want to see the real me, as if I had been born a girl and that all of my crossdressing wasn't there at all. I need to meet that person.
Who is she? Hmm -- well, she's incredibly average. She's not a head turner. She just is. You wouldn't notice her at grocers or if you passed her on the street. I saw a GG the other day as walked to the parking garage - denim skirt, black tights, light blue blouse, flat shoes, shoulder length hair. She was totally average in dress and look. That is who I want to be.
I want to be able to get dressed en femme, and go for groceries and just totally blend in.
I told my wife this and she understands it. She knows that it doesn't mean that I want to change sex as it where. She knows that its a comfort thing with me.
Its like this -- I know that there is this girl inside me -- and I want to give life to her.
The difference this time, as opposed to before, is that I have my wife supporting me. She wants me to be happy. She knows that by me feeling this way, its not making me less of man or husband to her -- that will never waiver. She knows that I won't embarrass her -- that she is the girl who come first in my life.
I know that I will never weigh 125 lbs/ 55 kg. I know I'll never look like some hot chick. I don't want to. I just want to look like me. I hope that this time, I will.
Huggles
Toni-Lynn
I haven't been active here for about a month. Not because of any bad things in my life or crossdressing, or a purge or anything. I have been sooooo busy. Working for what is now one of the largest banks in the USA, and one that is doing well and not bleeding red ink, my work has been so busy given the fat that we have taken over a competitor. In fact, I have been told by my boss that I am in the proverbial cat-bird's seat in as much as where I fit in to things. Another manager has told me that I am one person who need not worry about job security (or insecurity as the case may be).
Things with my wife are grand! Everyday is a new and wonderful experience that deepens our love. Her acceptance of my crossdressing also grows and deepens.
There is one place where it has gotten very interesting though. If you look over there <---- you will see my picture in my avatar. Yes, it is me, but from maybe 15 years ago. Since that time I have gained weight and lost weight in a horrid yo-yo. Over the last several, I did gain, so that pic is not representative of what I look like now. But -- I made it a goal to lose again.
The thing there is that I have to use my crossdressing as a motivation. I did this before, and it was always because -- and this is the crux of it all -- I want to see me! I want to meet me, hold me and hug me, I want to get to know me, I want to see me in the mirror -- and that me is a girl. I thought that before when I would lose weight I'd see her and meet her if I I had a makeover/ dress-up session done. Unfortunately, the one at Wildside in Toronto was too fetishistic -- and the girl that I saw wasn't me, and the one that I had done in New York was just not who I was. Even the girl that I appear as in my avatar isn't me, but she is the closest I have ever come to meeting her.
No, I want to see the real me, as if I had been born a girl and that all of my crossdressing wasn't there at all. I need to meet that person.
Who is she? Hmm -- well, she's incredibly average. She's not a head turner. She just is. You wouldn't notice her at grocers or if you passed her on the street. I saw a GG the other day as walked to the parking garage - denim skirt, black tights, light blue blouse, flat shoes, shoulder length hair. She was totally average in dress and look. That is who I want to be.
I want to be able to get dressed en femme, and go for groceries and just totally blend in.
I told my wife this and she understands it. She knows that it doesn't mean that I want to change sex as it where. She knows that its a comfort thing with me.
Its like this -- I know that there is this girl inside me -- and I want to give life to her.
The difference this time, as opposed to before, is that I have my wife supporting me. She wants me to be happy. She knows that by me feeling this way, its not making me less of man or husband to her -- that will never waiver. She knows that I won't embarrass her -- that she is the girl who come first in my life.
I know that I will never weigh 125 lbs/ 55 kg. I know I'll never look like some hot chick. I don't want to. I just want to look like me. I hope that this time, I will.
Huggles
Toni-Lynn