she knows....but hasnt mentioned it

[claire_hollinger]

So my wife found a pic of me dressed....no make-up or wig, just dressed......and she knows its recent. she started to show me the picture, but i had deleted it by then....she dropped it and hasnt said anything about it
anyone have any advice?

[Sheila]

So my wife found a pic of me dressed....no make-up or wig, just dressed......and she knows its recent. she started to show me the picture, but i had deleted it by then....she dropped it and hasnt said anything about it
anyone have any advice?

Talk to her

How long has she known you CD? how long have you two been together?

[claire_hollinger]

weve been married for 3 months, and she had no clue that i CD

[curse within]

Yes talk to her..She made an attempt to communicate to you about it..That was an open door invatation don't make her come to her own conclusions your imput is needed more than ever ..

[claire_hollinger]

she told me not to go gay on her and pointed out that she has toys and anything else a guy can give me......but one of her friend's husbands is a crossdresser, and she harps on that whenever he comes up........not sure how to break the conversation. I told my ex and when we split up, she went around telling everyone. no one believed her, but still

[curse within]

Well I for one would start by asking about the picture she seen...Take it from there...Myself I would have never hidden it from my wife and it took a lot of burden away from me..

She wasn't accepting and I wished I was more opened about it know looking back ..I tell you commincating is the key just take small steps if that helps better than her own conclusions that you have mentioned ..

[MissConstrued]

So you've been married for 3 months... but been a member here for 10 months. Hmm. So you had to know that it would have been wise to be clear with your woman before you got married.

Time to come clean.

[Hope]

Well, you are going to have to talk to her about this some time. And the appropriate time (before you were married) has obviously passed.

Consider her seeing the picture "softening up the beach head." She obviously has seen it and come to SOME conclusion. Don't let that fester too long and let her come to the wrong conclusion. Be in control of the story and how it comes out - to do that you have to talk to her.

We can't tell you what to say to her - she is your wife - knowing what to say to her is your job. I will say this: Don't treat this like you are addicted to Heroin, or contracted Hepatitis. Talk about it like it is fun and another part of your personality to explore with her. If you run from a bear, you will be prey. If you bring it up like this is some horrible secret that will ruin your relationship, it will become the horrible secret that ruins your relationship. The self fulfilling prophecy is a very powerful force. Write the prophecy you want to fulfill.

Also - when she starts dragging her friends husband through the mud - stand up for a sister?

[Sheila]

weve been married for 3 months, and she had no clue that i CD

:eek: I think she has now


one of her friend's husbands is a crossdresser, and she harps on that whenever he comes up........not sure how to break the conversation. I told my ex and when we split up, she went around telling everyone. no one believed her, but still

Why ow why did you not tell her before you were married ........ I cannot believe that you can seriously believe that she a) does not know & B)you married her knowing that she harped on about her friends husbands cding, without telling her about you :doh:

sometimes you's bewilder me ............ you's really do ...... I can understand to a great extent the older CDER's not coming out to their partners before marriage but as you are 29 and have had the availability of the internet, the wide media coverage over TG issues for the past decade .... to enter into a marriage without telling your future wife, is just to my mind plain crazy .......... and by the way if your wife decides to confirm your EX's statements, guess what, you are gonna look a big liar

[Barbie1970]

Talk to her. Don't let that sit inside of her, this is way to important

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Please talk to her about it - she may not be bringing it it up because she is:

a) scared to,
b) really hurt,
c) questioning your sexuality,
d) planing for a divorce,
e) not able to talk to anyone about it,
f) embarrassed,
g) thinking that it was a one-time thing that will or has gone away,
i) thinks you might be gay,
j) a host of others


You need to get things out in the open NOW - my Spouse found my make-up

stash a few months into our marriage - EXPLOSION ! - we had to talk about

it - no other choice - and suprisingly, it was not all that bad

Failure to talk about it now will only cause things to fester until you may face

an EXPLOSION like I did

JoAnne Wheeler

[Teri Jean]

Talk is cheap and it may be what she wants but doesn't know how to proceed. Keli

[Sarah_GG]

Talk to her!

Don't leave it for her to bring up. Sit down and TALK. Do something you know she loves like taking her out for dinner or taking her off for a picnic - and talk.

She may well feel angry because you have hidden a fundamental part of yourself from her, she may be feeling bewildered, confused, scared. You know what it's all about so you have to explain it to her. You are still in the early days of your relationship. You are both young and you have plenty of support and advice to hand.

Good luck :hugs:

[MJ]

keep secrets don't communicate with each other
you know better. yet your so scared to be truthful to your new wife. thats a hell of a way to start a marriage it's all down hill from here

[cindym5_04]

I think the cat is pretty much out of the bag... or shall I say that it's not as hidden as what you might have thought. She's made an attempt to communicate with you about it. Sit down and talk to her. You really should have done that BEFORE you got married, but that part is already in the past. As you've been married for 3 months now, it's best to go ahead and talk to her now. I don't know how much in the forum you sit down and read, but I've seen far too many stories on here, where people's marriages have gone on for years and years and they didn't tell their wives, then there's a major blow up and divorce. It's better to talk to her now and see where things go. Make sure to explain to her that it doesn't change the man that she fell in love with and got married to. If she can't handle it and does decide to want out (which I don't think she will, based on her coming directly to you to talk), then it's best for now, than for you to be unfair to her and waste continuous years of both of your lives or to continuously keep such a big secret from her. Keep in mind that it all will eventually come out anyway.

[Karren H]

Shock and amazement.... You didn't know she had "toys" and she want to use them on you?
Must have been a whirlwind courtship? Lol.

[JulieC]

she told me not to go gay on her and pointed out that she has toys and anything else a guy can give me......

#1 most common misconception. We crossdress, therefore we must be gay.

Sigh.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with being a crossdresser. There IS something wrong with equating the two as mutually inclusive.

[Sheila]

#1 most common misconception. We crossdress, therefore we must be gay.

Sigh.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with being a crossdresser. There IS something wrong with equating the two as mutually inclusive.

there is also something wrong with having been a member here for 10 months, married 3 months and not having told your partner prior to the marriage, especially as she has made comments about her friends crossdressing partner ....... just my :2c:

[SouthernBelle.GG]

weve been married for 3 months, and she had no clue that i CD

I had no clue that my DH was a CDer when I found his stash of clothes 2 years into our marriage. That was 21 years ago. I asked a few questions
and then let it drop because he was so upset and seemed not to understand it much more than I was trying to.

Fast forward to Spring 2008 - and after several attempts by me to bring it back up through the years. He finally got it through to himself that I wasn't
going to run for the hills or out him or any of the other awful situations he would let run through his imagination. We've talked a lot. He's getting more
comfortable letting me in.

Talk to her now. Don't let your CDing become the elephant in the room. I can only imagine what it's like for a CDer to live like that, but for me, it was misery.
Not knowing what's going on. Not being trusted. Not being let in.

Misery.

I wish you lots of luck!

[JulieC]

there is also something wrong with having been a member here for 10 months, married 3 months and not having told your partner prior to the marriage, especially as she has made comments about her friends crossdressing partner ....... just my :2c:

100% agreed. It's seriously unfortunate. A golden opportunity missed. Now it's time for damage control.

[DonnaT]

she told me not to go gay on her and pointed out that she has toys and anything else a guy can give me......

When did she say this? Was it after seeing your picture?

If not, then why did she say it?

Well, by now you know you should have told her before marriage. Water under the bridge.

The longer you wait now, now that she knows, the more time she will have to check out the internet and find stories and things that may not sit well with her.

It would be in your best interest, IMHO, to have the talk as soon as possible. That way she won't come to too many false conclusions, hopefully.

[Holly]

...Talk to her now. Don't let your CDing become the elephant in the room. I can only imagine what it's like for a CDer to live like that, but for me, it was misery.
Not knowing what's going on. Not being trusted. Not being let in....What your wife will imagine in her mind is likely to be 100x more damaging to your relationship than the reality of the truth. Don't compound your mistake of not telling her before your marriage by pretending it doesn't exist now. At this point you have very little to lose (as she already knows) and everything to gain.

[spiroxlii]

I think you need to figure out what you are and how you feel SOON. Then you need to share that with your wife. I told my girlfriend that I AM gay... since when I am in "girl mode," I'm still attracted to her. She calls me her part-time lesbian now. :)

[Miranda09]

Yes...talk to her. The cat's already out of the bag. Sit down like adults and work it thru. You never know, she might discover a whole new aspect of your sexual relationship as well!

[Jessica Who]

Honestly, just communicate because that's the only way to solve ANYTHING in a marriage.

[Nadia-Maria]

there is also something wrong with having been a member here for 10 months, married 3 months and not having told your partner prior to the marriage, especially as she has made comments about her friends crossdressing partner ....... just my :2c:

Yes, I wholly agree with that statement. Even if it might be the very unique time in a century that I would agree about something with you. :):battingeyelashes:

[Midnight Skye]

As everyone says, communicate over anything else. And tell her now. The biggest complaint of most wives is they wish they would have known sooner. Most wish they could have known before getting married (but its not always possible).

Don't worry about what she's said in the past. My SO told me repeatedly to not go gay on her (she had a good sense I was more feminine than I realized).

The roughest thing is there's a chance things won't go well. But if things arn't going to work out its better now then when you have kids and things are REALY complicated.

[BekiJ]

I am generally of the "don't ask, don't tell if you don't want her to ask and you don't want to tell" crowd (in the closet).

However, it's too late for that. Suck it up. The sooner the better. As gently as possibly.

Hugs
BekiJ

[TGMarla]

Hi. Coupla thoughts here, for what it's worth.



weve been married for 3 months, and she had no clue that i CD
Well, she knows now.

Look, I've been married 15 years, and she found out five years after we married. And as careful as I am about everything, familiarity can make you sloppy. I got found out, just like everyone else. And yet I still fell into "damage control" mode, and let out only some of the real truth here a little bit at a time. Because of my hesitation, fueled by fear and the fact that she was soooo angry, to openly talk about this with my wife when given the chance, I've paid for it with a long and wonderful marriage to a woman that I still cannot communicate with on this issue. She is a good and moral person who has over time come to an acceptance of alternative gender lifestyles, yet I still do not know how to broach the subject with her. She's known that I'm a crossdresser for ten years now, and still we never talk about it. I do not know how to bring it up, and I'm very afraid that the discussion would harm us more than help us. I'm very afraid of upsetting the apple cart, especially when the cart is rolling along very well right now.

My fault? Yes, mostly. But I wish to this day that I had managed all this in a different way. I have great regret over our inability to discuss this, and I have a goal of one day getting there. I wish you luck.

Oh, and hey.....everybody. Let's not keep reprimanding her for the obvious, okay? Glass houses, remember?

[xd-tigger]

The best thing you can do is just sit her down and talk to her.
My so called friend told my wife(girlfriend at the time) and she took it really well and encourages me to dress. I just wish I told her.
Honesty is the best way.

[kristinacd55]

Don't wait 33 years like I did.....communicate about it & treat her with kid gloves