Feeling stupid

[Sejd]

I am in my third year of TG'ness and I am presenting 90% as female now. Sometimes I still dress as a guy, or something androgynous, but every time I do that I feel so uncomfortable and stupid. I hate myself when I go out looking as something in between. At the same time I feel like I live in a "never Land" and don't belong anywhere than in my Dysphobia. This is a tough road sometimes. I get so frustrated with myself. Do you know that one?

[Lisa Golightly]

Well... no. I think the hormones have seen to that for me. Whether I'm just in jeans and a t-shirt with no makeup, in an evening gown with full warpaint or if I crossdressed and put on a male suit I'm still the same girl. I'd still have the bumps and curves to remind me... Still feel like me inside... but then it's never been about the clothes for me. I don't really care what I wear... It's really quite unimportant.

The external presentation does not affect the internal projection... If you understand me... :)

[akaCathy]

I sometimes feel like it's going to take forever to be where I want to go and be 100% me. Lisa is right. I just keep looking inside and not in the mirror to know I'm moving forward.

Hugs,

Cathy

[Suzy Harrison]

Why would you still sometimes "dress as a guy"?

In a couple of weeks I'll go full time and then every single item of male clothing is going - I will make sure I own no male items at all - even to the extent of getting rid of my male wash bag !

I really want no reminder of the past in that respect

:hugs: Suzy

[suzanneq]

have to agree with Lisa,well said hun

[Miranda09]

Tho I cant totally relate to what you're saying Sejd, I can image it hasnt been easy for you. But if you're presenting yourself as 90% female now, I think you're starting to pick the gender that suits you with no regrets. Good luck on your journey. ;)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Everybody is here to listen....

i've felt stupid many times and I've felt lots of other worse things too!!

This is a difficult "way to be" and making good decisions and having the guts to do what you think is neccessary is no guarantee that it will feel good every day......for me, the hormones were the single most important step

Take care of yourself and hang in there! :hugs:

[Carole Cross]

I have always felt ubcomfortable when presenting as male. I feel much more at ease when presenting as female and I am getting more confident every time I go out. I have some way to go before I will be confident enough to do things like shopping and running errands but in time I will. :daydreaming:

[deja true]

I guess we all have different aspects of trans-ness about us. And the way it shows up in our psyches is a different way for each of us, too.

For me, self acceptance has actually made me a more confident man as well as not-man! And I handle day to day life better as "what's-his-name" because deja is part of the day to day decision making process, whether she's visible or not. She's always there now and damned welcome, too.

I feel less "stupid" than I ever did, than when I was so concerned with keeping deja a secret not only from others, but from myself as well.

[morgan pure]

I don't know what I am. I don't know what I'm doing. But whatever it is I don't want to do anything else. I've spent a lifetime keeping secrets, my new boobs are just another hassle. I'll work it out. I'm not going to stop shaving my legs this summer. My friends will figure it out.

[GypsyKaren]

The closer you are to full time, like with the 90%, the more you hate and resent the 10%.

Karen :g1:

[Byanca]

I think of myself as me. I also dress andro now and then. But never as male, that's a long time ago-if ever, I'm not on hormones. I think I have to many physical defects to be be all that high on presentation. But if I've dressed nicely I get depressed if I have jo change to some jeans, rearrange the hair and wash off makeup(if I have). It's not so much about the switch, except for the little work it takes. But that I have to do it, about my own courage-basically I feel like a looser, instead of telling them, that from here on I'd appreciate if they forget about all male related notions they might or might not have had about me.

[Veronica_Jean]

I tend to agree with Lisa, but I know we all have our own ways of seeing ourselves.

I have to wonder if it makes you feel so bad, why you put yourself though it? I still present male at work, mostly becaus e the time is not quite right for me to go full time.

Although I feel much more comfortable being female, I'm not sure that I will ever be female. We all have a lot of history (I'm 53 now) where we at least lived as a male and tried really hard to fit in that role. Is it possible to simply throw all that away and ignore it forever? Maybe for some, but maybe not.

Is it really wrong if we do feel like we are in between? I prefer to think that as long as we are happy with ourselves, the rest is just for everyone else. There is no betrayal to your transition if you wear male clothes from time to time, should it suit you to do so. Women do it all the time, so why not you?

Veronica

[Melissa A.]

You do what ya have to do to make your life a bit easier, while undertaking something no one said was going to be easy. That's why it's called transition. Each individual has there own unique challenges, and ways to deal. No one way is wrong. You might want to lighten up on yourself, hunny.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Diane24]

One of the most difficult things I found in transitioning was leaving my former "guy life" behind. It wasn't all that bad! I had my fine times as David and achieved much in the 24 years that I existed as him. I didn't hate being David, I just really wanted to be Diane. I truly believe that Diane (my girl side) was there all along and eventually it was time for her to come out and for David to retire. After my transition, RLT and finally SRS, I called a few of my closest supportive friends and had a "funeral" for David. There is a small stone in my flower garden engraved with "David -- 1970-1994" David got me to where I needed to go. I remember him fondly. But, I am no longer him... I am now

Diane

[Sejd]

Good response Karen, Diane and everyone else. I went to therapy yesterday and had a great session. I have decided to go forward with HRT in mid May. I just have to be me now and be just that all the time. If I don't give it a try, I will not know what I could become, right? In the meantime I'm heading to Australia to visit with our ten month old first granddaughter. Thanks all.
If you want to see a clip from our concert Monday night go to link below. Have fun.
hugs
Sejd

[Jena11]

Well, for me It is getting more challenging to present as male, The only reason that I do is for work, I am not ready to be out at work becaue I have been working so hard for a promotion and it has been really close for about 6 months now, but all of the encomny excuses ect. have held it up. I plan on 6months after I am in my new postion. I am much happier being me the girl that I am all the time I am out of work. Every day at work is becoming more challenging because I have to wear a tight sports bra and watch how I walk, and other things that will show my femine side. I am staying positive, the time is coming soon and then I know I will be so ready. Jen

[Sejd]

Hi Jena
I never thought I would be ready for full time, but now I am, the time is right and I feel great. Cannot live i two worlds anymore. It just doesn't work. You will see, when you are ready, you will be strong enough to pull it through at work also I'm sure.