Dating advice

[patddfan]

recently, I started thinking about my life, and my plans for the future, and it scared me a lot. I realized that as soon as my GF and I start living together, I will no longer be able to be BellaDonna. I know I had said that I would do anything for her, but I don't want to lose her either. I love her with all my heart, but when I told her the truth, she just embarrassed me in front of my mother (on my birthday).

part of the problem I am faced with is that she and my mother are both 49 years of age, and are great friends. I am afraid that if I am caught by her again, I will never be treated the same by my family again.

I love being just like Hannah & Miley. it's truly made me feel beautiful. plus, it's the only way I can cope with her being so far away.

anyways, I am starting to feel divided. part of the problem is that we've been apart from each other since 12/22/08, and we've still got at least 4 more weeks apart before we reunite. after that, I have to wait until she finds work. I feel 100% truly committed to her until she dies, but I have my doubts about her.

I have already invested 18 months building a future with her at the forefront of my every major step, but I'm confused and scared about it. I don't want to give up Bella, but how can I if she wants to leave me? I've grown to love her, but I've also grown to love belladonna too. what can I do?

[ErikaLeigh]

Ultimately you will have to make that decision, but to me embarrasing you in front of your own family is not a good sign. I would be very wary of this situation and maybe try a cooling off period with her (in other words break up for a short time) and see how she reacts, this may give you some insite on what you would be in for if you marry her.

[Miranda09]

Are you more afraid of losing her because you love her, or is it that your afraid of losing her because your in love with the idea of being with her. I would say the scene with your family where she embaressed you is one strike against her already. Do you really want her if this is the way she's going to treat you? Loving someone is great, but not if it's one way. Just a thought.

[boardpuppy]

It is true when you marry, you don't marry the family but the individual. Be that as it may, neither party has the right to embarras the other, at any time. Talk to her, find out where her head is, if this doesn't square things then go for a cooling off period. If this doesn't work, are you compatible. Just a though.......

Hugs,
Alice

[Angie G]

You may want to be with her but remember you have to be who you are or you will never be happy. You my dear have some thinking to do. And only you can answer what your asking.:hugs:
Angie

[DonnaT]

She can't embarrass you if you don't feel guilty about being Bella.

You need to own yourself, or you'll not be very happy in the long run.

Most people live a long time. I'd rather live it not feeling bad about myself.

[patddfan]

I have spent the last 129 days without her (because she currently lives 475 miles away), and still have at least 32 more days to go. she's 49 years of age, and indonesian. I have spent some time thinking about my life, and my future since then. it had been tearing me apart for a while, so I turned to the group!

some of the reasons I'm committed to this woman are: she treats me like a king (money, trips, gifts, acceptance and loyalty), she's my first intimate lover (she stole my heart), and I'm afraid that nobody else will ever come close to her devotion.

I sometimes wish that I had met a younger woman who was almost exactly like her (accepts cross dressing)! oh well, the saga continues!

[Miranda09]

I have spent the last 129 days without her (because she currently lives 475 miles away), and still have at least 32 more days to go. she's 49 years of age, and indonesian. I have spent some time thinking about my life, and my future since then. it had been tearing me apart for a while, so I turned to the group!

some of the reasons I'm committed to this woman are: she treats me like a king (money, trips, gifts, acceptance and loyalty), she's my first intimate lover (she stole my heart), and I'm afraid that nobody else will ever come close to her devotion.

I sometimes wish that I had met a younger woman who was almost exactly like her (accepts cross dressing)! oh well, the saga continues!

Don't forget, it's a big ocean out there. Don't let attention and a few trinkets cloud your view of the situation. You may end up unhappier than you are now.

[deja true]

Um...she's the same age as your mother...and um...she's your first lover?

:strugglin

[cindym5_04]

I have an ex that used to treat me like a king too. She'd buy me all kinds of stuff and take me on trips and all like that. It honestly got old real fast. Personally, I started feeling like she was trying to buy my affection. She also said she was "cool" with me crossdressing, but how she acted showed different. I didn't feel comfortable about being ME.

For you, that's something that you're going to have to be introspective about and I don't think it's something that we as a group can really advise you on what to do. Just a couple of things for you to think about:

1) Are you in love with HER or the IDEA of being in love?
2) Are your top reasons really involving the money and gifts?
3) If she's going to embarrass you in front of your family now, what will she possibly do in the future around your friends and others that you care about?
4) If she can't accept you for who you are, is she someone that you really want to be with forever?
5) Most people end up having that deep-down "I'm in love syndrome" with their first intimate partner.

Just some thoughts... take them as you will.

[gretchen2]

When I was twenty four I married a woman who was nineteen years older than me. She was very accepting at first and stayed that way for several years, and then she turned on me. We lived fairly close to each other during the courting period, so there was a lot of time spent together, and I thought that she was the one. She never embarrassed me in front of the family, but she did do other things that were unacceptable. I am very skeptical when it comes to marrying a much older woman. I would have to say exercise caution with this one. Maybe even wait for a younger one. What if you want to have kids? Are you ready for menopause? Can you deal with her retiring twenty five years before you? If you are an active person, can you deal with going at a much slower pace? There is also the fact that people will confuse her as your mom, this happened to me fairly often. That was tough to deal with. I could go on and on if I wanted to think more about my ex-wife, but I don’t. So good luck with your decision.

[Dressing Jill]

There seems to be a lot of control on her part. She is now able to control you mentally. Women can be very loving and they can be the most evil things on the planet. I know am half woman. With 2 marriages under my girdle the last one I gave her everything to get away. Watch out you could hurt yourself.

I would Cling to Bella and listen to what she has to say. Remove the fussy images of a life ever-after.

Hugs

Jill

[Hope]

Um...she's the same age as your mother...and um...she's your first lover?

:strugglin

Yeah - I thought the same thing.

And the embarrassing you in front of your mom? not Ok.

And the "completely committed" but "have reservations" issue. Red flag.

I too would have reservations. Seriously, you are playing with FIRE, and it sounds like you are doing it with a bacon grease soaked racquet.

Seriously... think this one through, there are a LOT of issues going on here, and that is just what has been gleaned from a brief post.

[patddfan]

I have an ex that used to treat me like a king too. She'd buy me all kinds of stuff and take me on trips and all like that. It honestly got old real fast. Personally, I started feeling like she was trying to buy my affection. She also said she was "cool" with me crossdressing, but how she acted showed different. I didn't feel comfortable about being ME.

For you, that's something that you're going to have to be introspective about and I don't think it's something that we as a group can really advise you on what to do. Just a couple of things for you to think about:

1) Are you in love with HER or the IDEA of being in love?
2) Are your top reasons really involving the money and gifts?
3) If she's going to embarrass you in front of your family now, what will she possibly do in the future around your friends and others that you care about?
4) If she can't accept you for who you are, is she someone that you really want to be with forever?
5) Most people end up having that deep-down "I'm in love syndrome" with their first intimate partner.

Just some thoughts... take them as you will.

well, let me start off by answering your running list:

1) Are you in love with HER or the IDEA of being in love?

that's precisely my problem. I haven't got a clue which is which. I know she has transformed me into a much more attractive person since meeting her, but at the same time, being so far apart from her, and only seeing her for a short time (waiting 6 months to see her) turned me into Bella. the discussion rages on!

2) Are your top reasons really involving the money and gifts?

I love her. she means a lot more to me than any dumb old trips or gifts ever could. the only problem with us being together is that every time we have been together, we would technically be vacationing together (she paid for almost everything since I am a student)

3) If she's going to embarrass you in front of your family now, what will she possibly do in the future around your friends and others that you care about?

she just happened to tell my mom what I showed her one day. somehow, that's lead to my younger sisters harassing me about it. as for my friends, I don't have any.

4) If she can't accept you for who you are, is she someone that you really want to be with forever?

I have been thinking about it for a week now. I'd give up Bella completely for her if and when she is finally ready to move in.

5) Most people end up having that deep-down "I'm in love syndrome" with their first intimate partner.

well, maybe, but I never felt comfortable being intimate with anyone before her, so I don't know if that is good or bad.

to be honest, my viewpoint might be a little skewed at the moment. the reason I say that is because she still has options (or so she thinks). I'm only 'reserved' because she was still considering "plan b" (move to NJ and break my heart!) before she said anything, things were going great! go figure!