Heart to heart talk

[Dawn Marie]

As some of you know I have been seeing a therapist on and off for about a year. I went there at my wife's request, I don't think I really need it because I am happy witlh who I am, but I did it to please her and to give me someone to talk about my crossdressing with. She is very much against my CDing and the other day she found out that I purchased something on ebay. She told me whatever it is to get rid of it, and if I have anything else to get rid of that too. I tried telling her I';m still the person she married I just like to express my feminine side. She said she didn't care , I didn't marry a gay guy. Which I responded I'm not gay , but then she said you wear womens cloth so you must be gay. I told her just because I wear womens clothes does not make me gay.
To shorten the conversation all she really wanted was for me to quite and be her man and to get rid of any clothes that I had. There is no compromising with her, its' either her way or the highway. I started to leave but then she said that she would make sure that I never saw my kids again. This I could not tolerate, so I stayed and told her I would get rid of everything. I just can't abandon my kids, but I also can't get rid of anything. so I did the very next best thing. I rented a small storage unit and put all my clothes and other things in it, for now.
I keep praying that somehow she will change her mind or a least be more tollerant, so I will keep a low profile for now and be very careful of dressing, now just mostly underdressing. I know I am more than just a crossdresser from my sessions with the therapist and if the situation were to change I would begin to transition in a heartbeat.
It is so hard for me to put into words how I feel right now and the conflict in me is getting harder to control, but for the sake of my kids and my sainity I will try.
I stopped going to therapy about a month ago, I might just have to start again just for my own sainity. I so do miss going out dressed it is when I am at peace with myself.
Sorry for the long story, I'm not even sure if I make any sense, but I just need to write it out. Thanks all of you for lending me your time.

[happygirl]

I've been there. Divorce was a bit of a mess too. To bottle up will kill you. To be true sets you free. The fact is your children are yours and hers, she cant stop that. Nor will the children let her. Mine are grown up now and we are closer than ever. Your decision must be based on how you want to live, no one else. God Speed to you ,,,Lyn

[Lori Robins]

hhhmmmm good one to talk to the therapist about.
Sounds to me tho you have got two options, stay and bow to her will (which would be something I know I would regret and make both our lives miserable living a lie) or go and be blackmailed with children withdrawl.
Questions to ask
Can she do that??? Legally I mean.
Would she or is it just a nasty threat?
What do you want?? that is achievable, not just a nice dream!
Can you go without dressing ever again if you stay, and still be happy/stay sane?
What would your kids do? if you split up (very age dependant, but they do get to have a say)
Can some sort of compromise be reached for a win/win?

Without knowing both of your situations and state of minds and the way you both think and feel I don't think anyone is capable of giving advice. Its something that only you can decide on.

I only know this, I stayed in an unhappy relationship for about 8 years because of my kids and it didn't do anyone any favours, not me and certainly not my kids. Easy advice to give I know, but don't stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your kids, they probably already know the situation is not a happy one and may be far better off if you don't stay together.

Honesty is good and so is good communications, if you don't have them then in my humble opinion you don't have a relationship, you are just cohabitating.

Whatever your decision you are in for some rough times and I wish you all the best. :gh:

We have only a short time here and we should make the most of it.

[Dawn Marie]

Thanks Lyn, This is my third marriage and I don't think I could go thru another divorce,especially a messy one. And to be true to myself is just too high of a cost right now.

[Shelly67]

This is,nt healthy for niether of you . I bet the children will also pick up on this too , and thats just plain unfair .
Perhaps if you suggested on BOTH of you seeing professional help together .
You could at least explain to her your feelings and concerns . Be up front .
As you must agree , I bet youre both worried and stressed out by this matter .
Its just an idea , but all avenues must be explored , for the sake of you all .
Good luck x

[Dawn Marie]

Lori, our communication is alright but it could be better, but once she makes up her mind there is no changing it. AND her threat is no empty one she means what she says, she would somehow make sure I never see my children.

Michelle, I have tried to get her to come with me to see the therapist but she says she is too busy. When I get back from the therapist all she wants to know is it helping me to stop. I hate to tell her but going there just convinces me more that I am more than just a crossdress but a transexual and would love to go farther.

[Shelly67]

Goodness . Then if you really feel you're lifes drifting this way , you,ve really got to try harder now . If it were me , I,d tell her straight for the sake of our family , the happiness of our children you must please attend at least once . sometimes we just cannot be heard no matter how good we try to communicate . I know we can all be very stubborn , but these feelings you have , youre emotions AND hers surely will be a little easier now rather than later when the pent up emotions erupt . Its going to have to all come out eventually . I,m so sorry , but you both need to realise this ..... its just not going to go away is it ?
Theres times when we hate having to face up to the undeniable , but it just has to be done . Don't give up my friend .
I wish you well .
Shelly x

[Lori Robins]

Perhaps if you suggested on BOTH of you seeing professional help together .
You could at least explain to her your feelings and concerns . Be up front .


I agree with Michelle, you BOTH need to go to some sort of councilling session. She is making this like it is all your problem but there may be other issues she is not willing to confront.

[Dressing Jill]

It is hard. The children so need you in there lives. It is a supreme sacrifice on your part. She can not take who you are away. The counselor should have told you that.

I tried to get wife #2 in with a counselor. She went a couple of times but only to dominate the session. She was a physic nurse and new more than the counselor. She ran him over like a mack truck.

I believe counseling works. If not but to validate or clarify who we are.

Keep luving you children they will understand some day.

Hey If you want to come over and get dressed come on.LOL.......

Hugs & Support

Jill

[Sheila]

Have PM'd u hun, sending u :hugs:

[Sandra]

I'm sorry to hear that your wife reacted as she has. From reading some of your previous posts it seems as though this is something that she is not going to change how she feels.

The only thing I can say is to try and get her to sit down with you and have a good heart to heart, ask her to hear you out and then let her have her say, perhaps have some info that she can read. I don't know if it will do any good as from what you've said she seems very determined, but you never know.

Good luck. :hugs:

[Sarah_GG]

I'm sorry too. As everyone else has said, can you try to persuade her to go along with you to the therapist - and at least keep going yourself, especially with all this going on. Sounds like you've been backed into a corner. But please don't give up just yet...

:hugs:

Sorry, I missed your post about thinking you may be more than 'just a crossdresser'. It could be that your wife has picked up on that and is scared that she is going to lose you. She deserves to know the truth about where you are on this journey for everyone's sake.

[DonnaT]

I hope your wife does not find out about the rented storage unit.

Seems to me, since your clothes are there, you could go there and dress occasionally. Instead of spending money on a therapist you don't need. Or you could keep the therapist and go to your sessions dressed.

If you are worried about getting your makeup off before going home, try Albolene (http://www.albolenecleanser.com/Pages/Albolene_Home). I use it, by wiping it on my face, waiting a minute or two, and then taking an old towel to remove. And it removes all traces.

[CharleneT]

Oh sweetie, that is horrible. Using blackmail to control you isn't a very loving thing to do. Considering what you have said though, you need to think about a couple of things.

1. She can't say for certain that she can "make sure you never see the kids again" DOM is notorious for things not going the way the lawyers claim it will

2. she will eventually find out about the storage unit. I think you need to decide how to handle these two things now. You don't necessarily have to act, but I would prepare a little. I would think seeing a lawyer would be a good idea. NOT to start up DOM, but at least get the lay of the land in your area. A decent lawyer should be able to give you an idea of how things *might* play out IF there were a DOM proceeding.

Good luck !

[Alana Lucerne]

It is a tough situation. It seems to me that you should talk to the therapist, or even some good friends, about this just to keep your sanity. I also think you should talk to a lawyer about it as well, not necessarily towards getting a divorce, but to get an understanding of your rights and responsibilities. Then you can better judge what you want to do. At this point you it seems you are letting your wife blackmail you with the kids. I don't think this kind of emotional blackmail belongs in a marriage and if you let it in, it will continue. However, only you can decide what you are willing to accept to keep the peace and still have a good relationship with your children. I also think, as someone else suggested, that you both should see a marriage counsellor, if only to find out if your marriage is worth saving and can be saved.

Good luck

Alana

[Jessica Who]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through that. It must be very tough for both of you to deal with this.

From your story I can tell that she is not willing to relent in the slightest but when two people get married it is for better or worse. My wife and I cringe when we hear these stories. Gender and sex are two completely different things, but society just can seem to accept that.

I wouldn't fathom offering you advice in my position for I have no kids yet and I have an accepting wife. I do hope that things work out for your sake because it is not fair for you to have to deny who you truly are.

[Angel.Marie76]

Not that I want you to necessarily go down this path, however there was a a recent LONG conversation in this forum about Relationships, Assets, divorce and blackmail..

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=105157

Just more to read for perspective, but really, hun, just try and work things out with her. If nothing else, continuing to see a therapist, even if it's just to help you discover your 'true self' even further, will be in a 'best interests' move for yourself. Do watch out for the 'bottle-up' explosion though. Once you start letting the girl in you out, the scorned woman you're trying to refrain from expressing may execute a FAR greater vengeance upon you than a wife (or ex-wife) ever could. Learn to talk to, and listen to, your inner self just as much as the 'other' woman you live with.

[Sally2005]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I think you need to stand up for yourself. ...if she said she doesn't have time, then tell her you made time for her to go and she should do the same for you. Remind her it is two way street and you can make her life miserable too, if that what she wants... Oh about the clothes...just drop a subtle hint to her that it is better for you to keep your own because you don't want to be tempted to wear hers and she will probably change her mind. Also, if you must be a man, (and I don't know, I'm just guessing that after some years most woman put on a few extra pounds), demand that she remains the attractive woman you married. You have to sometimes fight back with similar demands until the other person sees how unreasonable they are being.

[MissConstrued]

Which I responded I'm not gay , but then she said you wear womens cloth so you must be gay.


Don't you boink her enough? How else could your own wife think you're gay?

[deja true]

Her ultimatums and blackmail and intransigence and your deceitful claim to have purged your stuff are not the right form of communication for a relationship that hopes to survive.

Do not stop seeing your thereapist. You need him now more than ever. It's not your own trans state of mind that needs clearing up., though...it's your vision of the future of your relationship with someone who plainly does not respect you at all.

Even if you do not fight or exchange insults in front of your kids, they already know that something is way wrong and they're suffering because of it. They need to know that you love them, so no matter what she thinks she is able to do with them, they will always love you, too. If you think they're old enough and mature enough to handle it, you should tell them what's going on between the two of you. They'll appreciate your loving honesty more than your wife's sniping and hateful ranting.

See a lawyer, too. You're gonna need him!

[LeslieSD]

3rd marrige? Did your xdress end up becoming an issue with the other two?

Whatever she says, she cannot stop you seeing your kids based on crossdressing. The court can decide on costody and visiting rights (in case when it goes to divorse court).

Are you sure it is the problem of xdressing, not something else? You might want to have a heart-to-heart talk with your wife and figure it out.

[Alice B]

It's time to talk to a lawyer. She can not deny you the right to see your kids and any court in the country will back you up on that. Divorce is not easy or fun, but in the long run you will be a better and happier person. Been there, done that. Staying in the marriage, if you are unhappy and doing it just for the kids does not work and the kids will also suffer. Wish I could say something positive, but from how you word your post it does not look at all good.:hugs:

[Gennifer]

It sounds like you are in a very tough spot, and you have my sympathies. I don't have any answers but do think that going to a counselor together might be a good move. I wouldn't expect that would change anything, but it might give you a way to work through this with a neutral party in the room.

I wish you the best of luck. Take care of yourself.

[Sheila]

Don't you boink her enough? How else could your own wife think you're gay?

Actually MS C gay men boink GG's a lot ................ it is a misconception that gay men cannot get an errection with Genetic females ....... there have been billions of children born throughout the ages to GAY men ................ some would say it would make them BI ........ others that they were doing what a man had to do to live within the constraints of society appearing "normal" and being the real them in cover of deciept and darkness ......... :hugs:

[Dawn Marie]

Thank all of you for your advice, thoughts and suggestions. For the most part I have done most of it except file for divorce and that would be my last resort. I will keep trying to get her to come to the therapist with me, I'm not one to give up so easily. As much as I would love to keep going dressed to the therapist It would not be wise unless situations change. She has on occasion asked me to pick up my son from school after the session.
About my comment from my previous post about wanting to transition. That would only happen if my situation changes drasticly (divorce). And then It woud take some serious thought to go thru with it. Though I know if I did, it might make me happy but I'm not sure of the rest of my family. Again thanks everyone for theri advice, I asked and I received. I will take all of it to heart. And further talk with my wife and therapist.
Love.
Dawn Marie

[silkandsatincd]

Hi Dawn Marie,

I feel for your situation. It is a difficult one to have to deal with, but I think you will be able to work through this one step, and one day at a time. I wish you the best on your journey.

[Sharon B.]

If I were in your shoes I would check with a lawyer and see what he or she would say about the situation you are in.