pamela_a
04-29-2009, 12:20 AM
I don't know if I can handle any more. The past 24 hours have had me on a complete emotional roller coaster. My wife is not well and had an appointment with a new doctor today. Last night she sends me to the store to pick out an outfit for her to wear (she trusts my fashion sense). She told me before I left to pick up something for myself too. She's in between sizes so needless to say finding something she likes and that fits is a challenge at best. While looking for her I found a cute black dress. After picking out her things I tried the dress on and was quite pleased with how it fit so I got it. After our 17 year old son was in bed I put the dress back on to get her opinion. We agreed it was a little shorter than my preference ( it's just above the knees) but it looked nice so she said I could keep it.
Fast forward 12 hours. She's in "one of her moods" and suddenly doesn't want to go to the doctor. I press it since this is a new doctor and we had to get a special authorization from insurance for her to see him. She also needs to be seen since she's going to run out of some of her medications. I leave work to go home to first try and covince her to go and second to be there ready to take her if/when she changes her mind. Bad Idea. The more adamant she got about not going the more frustrated I got. Needless to say I should have known better and just quit but I was so frustrated I let it turn into a shouting match with too many bad things said by both parties ( shame on me. I know I should have just been a big girl and let it go but just I couldn't).
One of the things she said was how our daughter (she's 31, married, and has a beautiful girl who will be 4 in a couple of days) was embarrased by me but wouldn't talk to me about it. I personally didn't believe it since my daughter and I are very much alike, we both speak our mind and she knows there is absolutely nothing she can't ask me or talk to me about (whether I'll answer is a completely different thing). Driving back to work I start thinking about it, which starts me crying again. I have to know so I pull into a parking lot and call her. When she answers all I can do is cry and tell her I'm sorry for embarassing her. We talk for a while, she tells me she's not embarassed by me, but is confused about my clothing ( I dress fem full time and have for the past few years) but never knew how to ask me about it. I told her honestly feel that if I could spend the rest of my life as a woman I'd be happy but at this time I really didn't know what was going to happen. We continue to talk for a while and things eventually progressed to family and other more normal topics. I'm sure, like me, she has more questions than there are answers at this point, but at least I know she still loves me and there isn't anything bad between us.
When I got home from work my wife and I apologized to each other and we talked a bit while I made supper. We talked a while longer after supper and things seem to be pretty much back to normal, but what the future holds if I continue to transition is anybodys guess and something we'll have to work out as we go. She says she loves me no matter what but I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
So now that only leaves the hardest person to tell, and that's my 17 year old son. In a way I'm thinking he might almost be the easiest since he sees how I dress daily and we get along great, or at least as well as a parent and a 17 year old can get along :). I'm thankful that his friends who are almost always over (our house has been declared one of the official "hang out" places) all seem to be okay with me and how I dress.
Once that is done the only remaining thing for me to do is to figure out where I'm going and that, I fear, is going to be the most difficult of all. I've had one appointment with a gender therapist but I didn't "click" with him. I have another appointment with a female therapist this time but it's not till June so I guess I'll just have to keep waiting it out.
Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest. I think we have some of the greatest girls in the world here and I really appreciate the opportunity we have to talk other girls who understand. I feel better already.
Hugs to all,
-Paula-
Fast forward 12 hours. She's in "one of her moods" and suddenly doesn't want to go to the doctor. I press it since this is a new doctor and we had to get a special authorization from insurance for her to see him. She also needs to be seen since she's going to run out of some of her medications. I leave work to go home to first try and covince her to go and second to be there ready to take her if/when she changes her mind. Bad Idea. The more adamant she got about not going the more frustrated I got. Needless to say I should have known better and just quit but I was so frustrated I let it turn into a shouting match with too many bad things said by both parties ( shame on me. I know I should have just been a big girl and let it go but just I couldn't).
One of the things she said was how our daughter (she's 31, married, and has a beautiful girl who will be 4 in a couple of days) was embarrased by me but wouldn't talk to me about it. I personally didn't believe it since my daughter and I are very much alike, we both speak our mind and she knows there is absolutely nothing she can't ask me or talk to me about (whether I'll answer is a completely different thing). Driving back to work I start thinking about it, which starts me crying again. I have to know so I pull into a parking lot and call her. When she answers all I can do is cry and tell her I'm sorry for embarassing her. We talk for a while, she tells me she's not embarassed by me, but is confused about my clothing ( I dress fem full time and have for the past few years) but never knew how to ask me about it. I told her honestly feel that if I could spend the rest of my life as a woman I'd be happy but at this time I really didn't know what was going to happen. We continue to talk for a while and things eventually progressed to family and other more normal topics. I'm sure, like me, she has more questions than there are answers at this point, but at least I know she still loves me and there isn't anything bad between us.
When I got home from work my wife and I apologized to each other and we talked a bit while I made supper. We talked a while longer after supper and things seem to be pretty much back to normal, but what the future holds if I continue to transition is anybodys guess and something we'll have to work out as we go. She says she loves me no matter what but I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
So now that only leaves the hardest person to tell, and that's my 17 year old son. In a way I'm thinking he might almost be the easiest since he sees how I dress daily and we get along great, or at least as well as a parent and a 17 year old can get along :). I'm thankful that his friends who are almost always over (our house has been declared one of the official "hang out" places) all seem to be okay with me and how I dress.
Once that is done the only remaining thing for me to do is to figure out where I'm going and that, I fear, is going to be the most difficult of all. I've had one appointment with a gender therapist but I didn't "click" with him. I have another appointment with a female therapist this time but it's not till June so I guess I'll just have to keep waiting it out.
Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest. I think we have some of the greatest girls in the world here and I really appreciate the opportunity we have to talk other girls who understand. I feel better already.
Hugs to all,
-Paula-