My Situation :(

[kelly1469]

Hey girls,

I feel i need to get some stuff off my chest seeming as i can talk to no one else about this!

Basically - i'm 28 now, and i started dressing when i was about 14, did it for about 4 years in secret whilst living at home, then got busted by my parents! - but then found out at that my father (he died when i was about 13) used to cross dress around the house!

Then - kinda lost interest, gave up, purged all my stuff (which pleased my parents!) - got interested in going out, drinking, girls like a young guy does that age.

I met up now wife at 20, been together 8 years, got married in 2007 - i love her to bits! - but obviously she doesn't know any of my past about this.

She is also the kind who finds all this very odd (basically anything apart from the norm!) - and i know she wants me to be her man, and to go the gym - bulk up,etc.

I know if i told her it would be instant divorce and i couldn't live without her

anyway... back on topic... during the 8 years being together, i had on and off urges to dress up but nothing major, prob went a good 5 years without such as one thought about it – until about 8/9 months ago.

With work i am currently on a training course, have been for last 2.5 years. This involves staying about in a hotel (about 2 hrs away from home) for 3 or 4 days every 6 weeks. This was when i started having more thoughts about cross dressing and started hunting around the internet, finding amazing sites like this one which really bought all the urges back!

In Dec (2008) my course got more intense and involved staying away for a full week every 3 weeks – perfect opportunity to dress again and i just had to take this opportunity.

Its been amazing and i’ve gone from just some clothes (like when i was 14) to creating the total fem look, wandering around in public at night and even now made my first day time shopping trip! Its been absolutely incredible and the more i dress, the more i want to dress (its like a pink drug!) – i want to spend 1000s on clothes, make up, shoes, wigs, etc to be more fem.

Websites like myspace are amazing – so many CDs, TVs, Tgirls – and so young it makes me think about wanting to take it to the next level!
I am still totally closet to everyone (except here), and hide it from my wife which i feel really guilty about, but i simple can’t give up or tell her – thus haven’t shaved my legs, arms, shaped my eye-brows, etc which is what i really wanna do now to become more fem looking.

Anyway... the main part of the course is now coming end, and i’m sat here in full fem mode (and have been every night this week and last week) trying to make the most of little time i have left!

In 3 weeks i have the final part, 3 days and a full day window which intend to spend the whole day in fem and in public (prob shopping!) trying to make the most of it. Once that has passed, i may have 2 or 3 final nights in August but then that would be it.

I don’t know what to do now!!! I’m so confused and getting really quite depressed about it, that i have to give it up and possibly never get another chance to dress properly (as i’ll be getting older, prob fatter, have kids, be busy in work, have very little free time to myself, etc)

I find myself completely stopping looking at other girls/women in the “wow ur sexy, i’d like to get with you” way, now i’m thinking “wow, you look gorgeous, i wish i could look like that” etc!


Just had to get it off my chest

Luv a depressed Kelly x

[Sigrid Cutie]

Hi Kelly,
well i was in a similar situation, although i came out to my wife after 5 years of being together, and as almost every one here in the forum, it's been a little by little of acceptance from her.
we have 3 kids (they don't know), but i always seem to find the time to dress.

by the way i look at woman the same way you do, and i think must of us do.
well i hoe everything goes well with you.

:hugs: Sigrid.

[Miranda09]

Hi Kelly,

That's alot to consider. As for letting your wife know, I think eventually you'll have to talk to her about it. I can't say how she'll react, but the longer you keep it under the rug, the tougher on both of you it's going to be. There might be a period of rejection afterward, but that may pass into acceptance...or not. You'll never know till you talk to her. If you both are truly in love with each other, it will work itself out. Remember, we're here for you. Good luck. XOXO :)

[cindym5_04]

I can really feel what you're feeling in your writing of that. Very expressive.

I think at some point, you're honestly going to have to tell her. You can't/shouldn't hide something like this from your wife. I've read far too many things on here about how the longer they've gone without telling, the worse it's been. Make sure if/when you do tell her, you present it as best as possible and make sure to let her know how you're not a different person and how much you truly love her and appreciate her.

As for looking at women with the "I wish I could look like you", I do that sometimes, but other times I'm thinking "damn, you're sexy...I'd get with you if I was single". I totally love my wife and am totally devoted to her though... but hey, we all have sexual thoughts, right?... as long as we don't take them to the next level.

[KateC]

Hey you!

We meet again! Guess what, after reading what you wrote, that's basically very close to my life. Except I met my GF at 17 and we're together still after 12 years (Yeah I'm same age as you). She went away for school for 4 years and during that time I've dressed more since she's away most of the time. And like you just recently I've been doing it more and wanting more, and kinda feel the end is near to not dress beacuse she'll be back with me.

Though the difference is she knows, I've told her but we're still kinda beating around the bush on what's going to happen about my dressing. I told her lets talk about it when she's 100% done and moved back in, I don't like to talk for few hours each week and think everything's good.

How you described on wanting to do the most and get it out at the last session is how I feel, I know probably exactly what you're thinking and feeling.

Not to mean offense to anyone here but I really feel alot of people just give canned advice, stuff that is vague and cannot do much help and a lot of "you decide" or "everyone's different" type of answer. That annoys me and I got that alot for most people but there are some who give good answers. I won't name anyone just to be fair but you can tell from BS answers and real ones.

I won't give you that but I am not sure if I can give you any advice, since I am in a similar situation.

But one thing is for sure, 90% of the people on here are missing your main point, or mine for that matter, or give it a canned response: which is, why all of a sudden the intensity of CDing, why when we're faced with termination of this we do it so much, or why do we do it when we have the opportunity?

For people like us, and very narrow range, just me and you really, I think there is a lot to be said about the reasons we do what we do. A lot of people say "oh it's nature" , "Oh just do it, it's part of you, yeah it's good", kinda like egging you on to become a woman fulltime. NOW that MAYBE true for you in the future, it maybe not, it maybe true for alot of people here but I think, in my honest opinion that's not it.

I think we stepped up our frequency and potency is because of opportunity, maybe being lonely, curious and also being faced with destruction. All these factors PUSH us into going into overload and hence may give off wrong reasons to go beyond what we want.

Ok I might be talking more about myself so take it with a grain of salt, I don't push my ideas onto anyone, I just say it how it is without any pink fog to blur.

Could be that if our wife/GF was more involved with us, with CD and with other activities and feelings, maybe we'd be more comfortable and need to dress less. I'm not saying I don't like doing CD, I love it like you, but I think it's compensating for a lot of voidness in my life. Maybe if it's more fun doing it with my GF and stuff I'll probably do it less and make it more fun, a balance you see, not just go all crazy and start growing boobs and what not. I still want to shave my legs though, regardless in guy mode or fem, I want smooth legs, my gf likes me shaved on my face so why not the rest. I don't find anything beneficial about hairy legs, anyways just a rant.

I say before you get influenced by many here to just "do it", talk to your wife about this, you have to, and see what can be balanced out. Don't make this a central part of your life if you really don't need it, make it like going to watch a movie or playing sports. Life isn't about CD unless you really are a TS who's in the wrong body, that's different. We aren't that, or at least I am not, or think I am not.

For others who read this, don't get on my case for speaking my mind, at least I don't fog it up with BS.

[JulieC]

I know if i told her it would be instant divorce and i couldn't live without her

...

I ... hide it from my wife which i feel really guilty about

You're in a conundrum that's not readily solvable. You can't dress at home for fear of your wife finding out. You feel bad about not being able to dress and be yourself and feel guilty about not telling your wife. Either way, there's negative consequences.

The only way to get past all of that is to tell her. If you have kids, I don't advise you one way or another. If you do not have kids, you still have time to make a choice and give HER the opportunity to choose as well. Or, you can spend the rest of your life upset that you can't crossdress. It's your life.

If you tell her, there's at least a chance you can stay with her. If you don't, you'll be sad. If you tell her and lose her, you stand a chance of not finding someone that accepts you or ever marry again period.

No good choices here.

For my part, I was experienced enough to realize I had to tell my (now) wife long before I asked her to marry me. Consequence; I have an accepting wife, one who was fine with me underdressing in pantyhose on our honeymoon.

[Dressing Jill]

We become very sneaky in hiding our secret. Surely you can find the time to go hunting or on fishing trips out of town. You know normal guy stuff or golf is a 4 hr game plus 1 hr before and after that is 6 hrs on a weekend...

Good luck

Hugs

Jill

[LisaM]

Kelli,

I hid it from my wife for 10 years and it was a mistake. It's now 14 years later and we are still together and I fight everyday to regain her trust. Once she learned about the TS/TG/CD condition she realized that part of what I am is what attracted her to me. After getting over that part she focused on my inability to talk to her about this part of me and all of the lies I made over the years. That was the hardest part for her.

I will give you some advice that someone gave to me 30 years ago---This isn't going to go away. You have to learn to live with it and integrate it into your life. Either your wife will accept this or she won't but I think it will be better if she hears it now rather than in 10 years, or 15 years, or 25 years. It will always be a part of you!

[Sheila]

Hun I discovered ny EX's cding, the cding was not the problem, the lies and deciept were, and he didn't tell me I found out by accident ..... results were not good, not because I did not accept the cding but because he lied ........ we parted 2 years later to the day I first discovered his CDing (long story not gonna repeat it here) ..... I remained an active member her and voila am now, marring another member from here, he is open upfront and honest works for me .................... I know you haven't told her and I understand why you didn't (I did read your post :)), but now maybe is the time to tell her rather than let her findout, you could write things down in a letter & if oyu feel things are not going well then when she/you have calmed down give it to her with the address of this site and let her know we have a GG only section here where she can talk to other GG's most of whom have been where she is:hugs:

Good luck

[kathrynt21]

Kelly-
First of you, you look great. A very pretty girl.

Secondly, I (like most of us) have been dressing for a long time. I started at 8.

I thought I would get over it. I didn't. I started , stopped for a while and then went back to it after marriage in the form of visiting transformation salons, etc.

I met me wife, never told her, and assumed that it was a passing phase. Right. A phase that lasted 50 years!

I have been married for almost 30 years and came out to her only three years ago when, after a visit to a salon, I realized that I could not live my life denying this part of me.

She was shocked. She asked all the normal questions (normal??)

"Are you gay."

"D o you like guys?"

"Do you want to live as a woman?"

The answer to all of these is no.

She was mostly angry that I had hidden it rom her for so long and had a "secret life."

Her feeling this way is what I regret most. I wasted time and lost her trust for her bit.

BUT... fast forward three years and she is more and more accepting everyday. She loves the fact that I have an eye for fashion (better than hers??) and that we have this in common. She wants my advice on clothes and makeup and hair.

She has never seen Kathryn, but has bought me things and when we shop we both now We are looking for ourselves! Amazing feeling.

She knows now that I am still the guy who fixes things around the house. Still a good dad. Still like baseball, etc.

But she now knows a different side of me.

At a time in a marriage when most people are growing apart or simply living with each other out of convenience, we are closer and friendlier than ever.

Do I think it is all because I am a TV? No. But, that has helped. It really has. She now knows this other more sensitive, feminine side of me that at first was a little hard to accept.

But, she has told me she always likd the fact that I wasn't overly macho and a little more respectful of woman than most men she knew or dated. She can see why I like doing what I do and that it hurts no one.

Sure, getting used to the fact that her husband finds solace in dressing as a woman is hard to imagine but she loves me and I love her.

So, while I would never tell anyone else what to do, I can tell you that I am happier and more content with myself than ever. That we have a great relationship that still has bumps in it, but I am SO much better off that she knows the other part of me.

I feel for you, hun. it's a tough spot to be in. But, you do have support here and I am willing (if you want) to talk more or just listen to anything you have to say.

Good Luck!

[amanda gg]

As the wife of a CDer who just discovered my husband's little secret a few month's ago I can say that it will be much better if you tell her than if she finds out some other way. The lying and hiding the truth hurt me much much more than the crossdressing. Good luck with everything. I really hope you can work things out.

[tricia_uktv]

Simple. It will never go away, so you need to deal wiith it now - whatever the repercussions. Good luck hon (and you do look brill)

[Mistybtm]

Go slow test the waters first make a few coments play around abit with her like put on her bra or panties and see how she reacts to it do it as a joke at first then go from there.:2c:
I hope it all works out for you both.:D

[kelly1469]

Thanx for ur comments! x

I really don't know what to do - i mean i want to tell her, get it off my chest once and for all, but i know it will prob be the beginning of the end...

I know she isn't keen on CD/TVs in general from comments shes made in the past, etc

I dont wanna tell her and risk either loosing her or loosing the closeness and imitacy we have (as she will prob see me in a different light)

i don't know girls! :(

i do know that time is running out tho.....

[Erica K.]

good advice here. Keep in mind when you tell her (you really need to) she wll feel betrayed, lied to, & direct her anger towards your CDing. Let her be mad, but let her know what it really means. You look too good to supress the girl in you ;)

Good luck!
erica

[Sophie A Walker]

You are caught between a rock and a hard place Kelly, reveal all and your world might implode, keep the secret and you build the future on a lie, not a sound foundation.

I wonder if the 'comments' about CD/TS made by your SO might not be an opportunity to explore why? It is just possible that her dissaproval might be cover for a fascination she is unable to voice. On the other hand she may have reasons that are based on missunderstanding, e.g. erroniously associating CDs with abusive activity.

If you were to use conversations about the issue to discover/decode her assuptions about the issue it might be possible to lead her to a place of greater tolerance.

You might also try some limited accessorising in boy mode, you are a bit young to have been a goth but that kind of style might suit you and lead her to accept some aspects of your more flamboyant side.

I know very few 'ex' CD/TV/TG/TS, it is almost a maxim that it comes back again and again.

I wish you luck and hope you can find a path that can lead to an honest life, the deception seems to be very corrosive in the long run.

[docrobbysherry]

Thanx for ur comments! x

I really don't know what to do - i mean i want to tell her, get it off my chest once and for all, but i know it will prob be the beginning of the end...

I know she isn't keen on CD/TVs in general from comments shes made in the past, etc

I dont wanna tell her and risk either loosing her or loosing the closeness and imitacy we have (as she will prob see me in a different light)

i don't know girls! :(

i do know that time is running out tho.....

The more u squirm around the deeper u get! I'd say, you're nearly up to your NECK rite now!:eek:

If u DON'T listen to the advice of the CDs & GGs above, I'm afraid you're A GONER, my friend!:doh:

[Midnight Skye]

Hey Kelly! I just wanted to let you know I had the same issue. My wife indicated transgendered people confused her. She also encoraged me to be more manly. I was scared to death about telling her, but I finally reached a point where I knew dressing up and being girly wasn't going away. At that point I told her. My biggest tip, sooner is better and be ready to explain you love her... and that you're not gay. Not that being gay is a bad thing. But its a big misconseption that all crossdresser are gay, so she may have trouble understanding this and you'll need to be ready to explain where you're at.

[Shelly67]

The whole issue of negative reactions are based totally on non trust .
A marriage is based on trust , we are after all betroathed to one person , our confident , our friend . When something is hidden away , regardless of who hides a secret away then trust is questioned . It hurts us all to feel our partners cannot trust us with something so private , indeed trivial matters become a problem when trust is questioned .

As for the realization of crossdressing , and the way it simply does not go away , in time we all have to come to terms with the scarey fact we should come clean to our partners / wives .

We can't deny it , but there maybe an easier way to bring the subject up .
We can ask for help - our partners help . In short we have to realise this . We really are asking our most trusted special person in life to help us understand , come to terms with and accept ourselves . Here lies caution ....you can't just go blazing in . You have to be considerate , gentle and cautious . The subject of crossdressing to some brings horror , disbelief , "what my man wears females clothes ?" But if the subject is approached with honesty and a pleading rational conversation then most partners although disturbed at first will at least listen to they're loved ones plight .I truely believe if we approach this worrying dilema correctly then most partners will only want to support they're partners . They may not want to see it , or take part , but surely a compramise could be reached . Only each and every one of us knows how are partners react to situations ...so we must be considerate , but more than anything supportive in every way . Think on before the subject is addressed .
You are asking for complete confidence , something that when we hide something back is accepted as being lied to . Thats the problem .
Lies .

[Samantha B L]

Kelly,maybe this isn't much help but I'll hope and pray the best for you that you won't have to give up dressing! You know,from the sound of your post you're about 30 and if your health holds up you will live to be quite old. Life can be very unpredictable and you just don't always know what your life will be like in 5 years or 10 years. You never know what's around the corner! So don't let yourself get lost in gloomy forecasts.

Hugs, Salu, Samantha

[Jacueen]

There's no easy answer to your question, but there is one definite answer: you don't want to spend the rest of your life living a lie. Even if she never finds out, living a lie will take its toll on you over time.

That doesn't mean that you have to tell her. What it means is that you need to do some deep soul searching and make some hard decisions. Your post indicates that you're already wrestling with the soul searching part but that, so far at least, you've avoided the decision making part.

Assuming that your assessment of the situation is accurate (remember, it may not be) - that if you tell her, she'll leave you, - the big question is: What makes you happier, her or crossdressing? If you're correct that you can't "have your cake and eat it too," then you'll just have to make a choice between them.

If you choose her, don't be too worried about the oft repeated fact that "the urge never goes away." Just like a recovering alcoholic or addict, the urge may never go away but, like any other urge, it can certainly be repressed, and, in fact, even happily repressed when you know (not when you think, but when you KNOW) that the reward for repressing it is that you get to enjoy something else that you find even more fulfilling.

On the other hand, if you choose crossdressing, then you don't lose anything by opening up to her. You'll either find that you were right and she'll leave you (but remember, that's the choice you made, so you'll be prepared for it) or you'll discover that she's more flexible than you think and you'll both move forward together.

Either way, the point is that all of us are faced with choices at different points in our lives. Sometimes they are in the form of "You can have one or the other, but not both." Most often it's not that black and white. But when it is, the only way to make the choice livable is to be true to yourself. If you really are true to yourself, your final decision, whatever it is, will not only be livable, it will be positive.

Best of luck and hope you have a wonderful future.

[Sarah_GG]

You're 28. You have the whole of your life ahead of you. So does your wife. If she's as 'closed' to the idea of your CDing as you think she might be, then are you really meant for each other?

I am an accepting, supporting, participating (blah blah blah) SO of a CDer. It is not the CDing that I have EVER had an issue with - this site helps with all the background information I could ever need - it is the lies. If I had discovered (which I didn't by the way) that my SO was having a secret life then I'd probably conclude that our relationship was a sham.

I know it's boring having to hear this... but please tell your wife. She has a right to know, especially if you're considering "taking it to the next level". She may surprise you and you may be able to work this out together, you could end up having loads of fun with it TOGETHER. And, yes, she may leave you... but you don't stop loving someone because you find out they're a crossdresser. You stop loving someone when you lose respect for them... because they've lied to you.

Good luck :)