Need a push

[RachelAnne]

I'm sorry that I've been just lurking here for so long instead of contributing. You ladies are so wonderful and I really want to participate more.

That said, years ago I made a commitment to myself that I was going to go through transition. But, I'm now 32 and I haven't moved from where I was years ago. I think it's mostly because I'm afraid of losing my wife and children (especially given that I know where she stands on the subject). But, I need to be me, as many of you know. I've made my choice, but I need to act on it.

In my heart, I want to do it all right now, but I know that's not the right course of action. So, I start to go slow with my transition, but then I get fearful and I stop. I've done this so many times that I'm starting to realize that I'm kind of in a self-destruct cycle. I've put on weight instead of losing it. I've overcompensated my masculinity, etc.

Is there anything that I can do to make this a bit easier? I think I need someone to kind of push me forward a bit, or at least I think I need to be accountable to someone other than myself. Does that make any sense?

I'm sorry if I've been rambling. It's just that I'm at a point where I need to start moving forward or just give it up altogether. If someone can provide me with any help, I would so appreciate it!

[deja true]

Sounds to me like you need the help of a good gender oriented therapist...

That's the place to get you to ask yourself the right questions and come up with the right answers.

Good luck, darlin'.

[Veronica_Jean]

Hi,

Well you have a few choices. I think I was in your situation and life threw me and my spouse a lot of curves. Now I'm 53, my spouse passed away in 2005, and I am transitioning.

You could go that route (well I would not recommended waiting until your spouse passes) and wait until the time is more to your liking.

You could begin now and start moving in that direction more consistently.

No matter what you choose, having a group of people that will support you through good and bad will be essential. You may want to consider a therapist and seek out a support group in your area if they exist.

Harsh facts are you may lose you wife, and potentially your children as well as other family members. This does not always happen, but from your post it sounds like you and your spouse have talked about this before and she is not happy about it.

No matter what, in the end you have to make a choice you can live with or you will try to stop living.

Good luck. I hope I have given you some thoughts about the next step.

Veronica

[Sharon]

I agree with Deja -- your best source of help dealing with all this is to speak to an experienced gender therapist. If a GT isn't within driving distance, then speak with any good therapist. Just talking one-to-one with someone who can both listen to you and provoke you to consider things you may not have is often all you need to do to make the decisions that are best for you.

Good luck to you and keep telling us how you are doing. :hugs:

[LaurenS.]

Therapy appears to be what you most need right now. They can be of enormous help if specializing in the GID field. I do wonder if you need to be pushed then perhaps you're not ready for the trip. A therapist will help you decide that. You seem to be able to make a choice of wether or not to transition. I think most would say that it's not a matter of cloice, it's a matter of necessity. I hope you can get the help that you need to make the major decisions necessary to live a happy life.
All the best,
Lauren:)

[MJ]

Sounds to me like you need the help of a good gender oriented therapist...

That's the place to get you to ask yourself the right questions and come up with the right answers.

Good luck, darlin'.

so very true

[Sheila]

as well as a therapist hun, if you are going to to transition you really need to talk to your wife asap, she really does need to know sooner rather than later ........... just my :2c:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'll be a broken record....a GOOD gender therapist that has experience with tg folks seems to really help many people

there is no right or wrong...the hard truth is that it's about you and that many times is what causes all the angst (how could I be so selfish??).... maybe you are thinking of losing your wife but if she is unwilling to be married to a ts woman, then there really is no reason to wait assuming you know what you need to do (someday)

In my opinion, you'll just know its time...if you are enjoying your family life, making $$, etc...there may be good reason to wait...if you are feeling lost and depressed, giving up on life etc.....then you really need to see a professional to help you sort out you own situation

Group therapy is even better because you can build a support group and meet tg folks of all stripes and in various stages of transition and non-transition...

hope my comments are helpful
Good luck to you!!
michele

[Kristen Kelly]

My story is similar I have been seeing a therapist and was told you will know when the time is right. I wished to share this with you.

I recently read the following quote:

That sometimes you have to be willing to put it all on the line in order to find your true happiness and to pursue your passion.........

Did that line hit home, I am to that point in my life, weighing the realities; my life as it is now is a safe and still happy life, 1/2 way between where I've been and where I could be. Fulfilling but something missing, up until this point I have hurt few people in my actions. My GF knows and even though she is not embracing it realizes it is because of this I possess the qualities I have. The next step is a large one, telling my family, they must wonder with all the changes in me over the last 2 years, I have not been hiding it, the shoulder length blonde highlighted hair, the small gold hoops always in the ears, the women’s jeans which I can always be seen in and the baggy shirts which I know do not conceal the ample breasts I now have. More has happened quickly in the last 3 years of my life to shape my life than all of those before. I wasn’t living a lie as many say they have done, it molded me to be the person I am, gave me an insight. The people needed to mold me into who I am, came along at the right time to make me question myself, to show me the side of myself I did not know was there, to hold my hand and guide me, without them I could not have arrived to this point as unscarred as I am. Some were there for an instant others have not left me for their task is not complete. I know sometimes it is healthy to pause and weigh all the options, but I am afraid that my pause although has been short could last a long time; maybe I wish the ground would crumble beneath my feet causing me to make that jump of faith, and that’s where I shall place it in Gods hands.

Feel free to comment, tell us where you are, and what gave you the courage to continue on.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. ‘Which road do I take?’ she asked. His response was a question: “Where do you want to go?’ ‘I don’t know,’ answered Alice. ‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘it doesn’t matter.' "
- Lewis Carroll

[RachelAnne]

Thank you everyone for the kind responses. I guess that I'm going to have to find a good therapist because I just can't take it much more (the stress, that is).

[Hope]

It sounds to me like you are putting a lot of emphasis on transitioning, and that such a HUGE task in front of you can be daunting. Why not start small and take a first step? Loose some weight perhaps?

And like everyone else - let me suggest a therapist. You will need one anyway if you are going to transition - maybe that can be a first step?

[Lisa Golightly]

Thank you everyone for the kind responses. I guess that I'm going to have to find a good therapist because I just can't take it much more (the stress, that is).

Well... transitioning brings with it stresses of its own... The key is focus. You have to have focus... A therapist is a very good thing as everyone has said, so is a network of supportive friends... be they physical touchy feely ones or cyberspace friends...

Actually I tell my friends more than my therapist... lol... I guess that's quite naughty, but somethings I don't think she needs to know... :)

And I agree with Hope... Losing the weight may help you gain that focus I was talking about... direction...

Lisa x

[RachelAnne]

The weight is actually a big issue for me. For a guy, I'm not terribly overweight (205 lbs), but for a girl, obviously it's a big deal. But, just like with transitioning, I don't seem to have a support network in dealing it. I start trying to lose the weight, but then I kind of fall of the wagon and I'm back to square one.

I've started looking around at therapists. Can anyone in Utah recommend a good one?

[Joanne f]

I would question myself if i really wanted something if i needed someone to push me into it .

[Diane24]

Yes, Yes and YES!!! It has been said many times: "Find an experienced gender therapist!" They are out there. You have to ask around. Mine was wonderful but has since passed away or I would have come and taken you by the hand to go see him! Get professional help with your transition. There are so many questions and you should ask them all! No one should do this alone. Search the internet, ask the girls here, and TS's you meet at meetings. You will be so much happier and better for it!
Love,
Diane