What Comes After a Failed Transition Test?

[Beth-Lock]

Since I commenced a self-imposed one year real life test, a month or so ago, I have been pondering a lot of things.
It is not easy to live in the new mode, when one does not know how to get along fully, and when things hold you back, not to mention people. I seem to be settling for even less of a life than that I had before.
I wonder what happens if one fails the test. Is there life after such a failure? If so, what kind of a life? Has anyone heard of real life stories along these lines?

[Veronica_Jean]

I don't think there is such a thing as failure. This is a time period for you to decide if moving forward is right for you, or do you need to stop, go back, or go a different direction.

The RLT is to keep those that want the fantasy from doing something they cannot easily undo since fantasies are after all not real.

I hope you are able to choose what is best for you and follow that path.

:hugs:

Veronica

[~Kelly~]

I think the name may be misleading. It is not a test. There is no pass or fail. There is no grade. Honestly, I think the more accurate description would be "trial". However, there are other instances where the word is used very similarly. Think of a "test drive" when buying a car. You really are driving the car yet you haven't really put the money down on the car and therefore it is not necessarily the way you want to go. However, after the "test", if you still think it is right for you, then go ahead and make it yours. RLT is more of an imposed "test drive" of life when transitioning. You can't really fail the test. You just decide it is not the right fit for you. Changing your body is a really big step.....a step that far too many people living in fantasy land are far too quick to impulsively want to do. The RLT is just the medical communities way of seeing our informed consent as to the realities of a full transition.

[Beth-Lock]

I agree that the term 'trial' is probably better than 'test' and sometimes I use it too.
My concern is that one gets geared up, emotionally to go through with it, and if the trial fails to work, (for a variety of reasons), no matter how much desired, does that not leave one conflicted at the end of the trial, and possibly in terrible shape psychologically, especially if one cannot find a substitute? Is simply cross-dressing from time to time, a substitute?
Also of course, even during the trial you cross certain bridges (mainly social in nature rather than physical), and burn some of them after you, so awareness of this can even inhibit giving the reallife trial a fair chance. I am losing people who I thought were friends, as well as social outlets, for example. And how do you tell people you are no longer a woman and have gone back to being a guy? Again, that leads to half measures, making you look still too masculine to pass. Already, few people I know use my female name, most continuing to use my male first name. It is almost like they know something I don't or cannot see. It is freaky.
Part of my problem is that I cannot get counselling without paying more than I can afford right now. If I could afford counselling, perhaps these questions could be raised in therapy, though in many cases, I suspect they would be glossed over even there.

[Zenith]

You say self-imposed RLE...so that implies a time of self-discovery...just take things at your own pace...one has to take all the burdens of being female along with the trappings...and the stigma of trans...that is something you need to weigh...if it clicks for you will know...if not you will know...

The major irreversible decision is SRS, that is probably why it is last...

Don't think if it is not for you that you wasted the RLE...you needed to find out where/who you are no matter if straight, gay, bi, CD, Trans, Post-op, etc...

:2c:

[Karen564]

Hi Beth,

Just like the other girls said, the RLT is not a pass or fail test, it's more to give you pause and test drive into a new life that your proposing to live the rest of your life to see if it still feels right for you..

If it feels right, then you can continue down the path to full transition, but if it feels wrong, then you can take a step or two back to where it did feel right.

If it came to stopping the RLT, there is no shame in doing what feels right for you, it's Your life, not theirs, if they did ask, you tell them you had to try it to know for sure, and decided it just wasn't the correct path for you to take..before you made a big mistake, it's the best way to know for sure & to separate what's real from what's fantasy..

You wouldn't be the 1st to stop now..and some go all the way up to the day of the surgery and back out that day when the finality of it all sets in..some of those go back for surgery later, and some go back to salvage what's left of their old life..or settle for something in between..

So in the end, there's lots of soul searching that goes on within you during the whole process..and can be a no brainer for some, or a hard decision for others..

Personally, I think you need to get your house in order 1st and strongly recommend you see your therapist again to help you through this, it's times like these when you need them the most, than going through this alone.

:hugs:

[Beth-Lock]

Karen, you raise the question of counselling or therapy.
About seeing a therapist, the one I saw a bunch of years ago, will not handle my transition. My regular doctors seem obtuse. And, the gender therapist that some in my city have recommended, seems too expensive, certainly for now. (It is a struggle to pay my bills without any extra expense right now, and i fear i am getting behind even there.)
As well, I do not have a lot of confidence in gender therapy. Certainly, some of the people giving me advice, have talked about its problems and paucity of useful results. I seem to have a conflict between intuition and real world thinking on the subeject of transitioning, for one thing, each pulling me in diametrically opposed directions. This sort of inner conflict is not the sort of thing that is easy to resolve with mere psychology.

[~Kelly~]

As well, I do not have a lot of confidence in gender therapy............. This sort of inner conflict is not the sort of thing that is easy to resolve with mere psychology.

No one here is suggesting that a gender therapist will resolve your issues. No one on the planet can do that but yourself. What a gender therapist CAN do is ask you the right questions and let you make the decisions you need to make. No one said it is easy. Or cheap. But sometimes we just have to make sacrifices for the betterment of ourselves. I wish you luck in finding what you are looking for and know we will be here for you if ever you need someone to talk to.

[dilane]

Hi, I'm curious about how you went in to your RLT. Had you had hundreds of hours of experience in public places, doing as much as you could, learning to talk the talk and walk the walk before going full-time?

From my own experience, it would seem to be much less stressful to do 80% of the learning when part time: you can retreat, regroup, and experiment more gradually. Some things, like voice take a *lot* of time (at least it did for me). I can't imagine going full time without such skills as I've learned over the years (yes, that's years!).

Yet many of my friends did just that, going into RLT when they were fearful, paranoid and inexperienced.

I think there might be a happy medium between the two extremes. It does seem to be the case that the Pink Urgency takes over before becoming comfortable in the outside world.

Good luck,

Diane

[Byanca]

Hi
I do this also from time to time, usually a month in the time. And recognize everything you write. I don't think you can ever go back when you have stepped so far over. For me the only problem is other people, maybe myself also from paranoia, but I'm people too so guess that go for the same. But on the other hand I feel alive, even though people look strange at me, sometimes.

But my interaction is not all that much. I'm shy, prefer to observe. I can go a whole month without saying anything to other people then Hi.

What I found to be positive is that when I do this I want to go out. I actually go out, and I feel different in a good way. My biggest problem is stubble from beard. Because of sensitive skin I can only take it of every 3 or 4 day. That means I get out only once of 3 or 4 days. But it is better then staying inside the whole time.

I have one friend in the city where I do this, and i see him every third week or something, so that evening I dont do this. He is very macho so cant bring myself to say anything about it. But all other people, the people that own the house, those who rent and shops and so on I have found that after the first time I dont care any longer what they think.

I suspect this is how it will go with everything, the trick is just to break all the barriers. I think that is essential if one is to succeed.

I have also come to another realization, that most people actually include you in their group because they believe you two have something in common. So almost all are prejudiced in a way. This is very different from me. I'm a very open person if I trust. And almost every person I meet, I see just a paper with no writing on it, so curious as I am I start to fill out this paper from what I discover.

I'm not sure if this goes for TG people in general, but for me it makes me vulnerable. And for someone in our position I think one needs to learn these traits, sexist, judgmental etc if one is to do a gender role for real. That is defense mechanisms. IRL is a rough place. I think maybe i'll stay in my fairy tale i while longer...and do these one month trips instead.

[Nicki B]

I wonder what happens if one fails the test. Is there life after such a failure? If so, what kind of a life? Has anyone heard of real life stories along these lines?

I've known several girls stop, get things right, then start again..

There's a girl I know (who used to post here) who has started her transition but rushed into it, not really mentally ready? She's told all her co-workers, starting walking the walk, but is struggling very hard coping with comments in the street.. :sad:

The only thing stopping her giving up at the moment is the thought of having to go back, having told everyone at work.


It's not a test - but it is a hurdle you have to prove to yourself you can get through? And if at first you find you don't succeed - you can try again?

It all depends on what you need?

[Anna the Dub]

If I am honest, I have to admit that the prospect of 'failure' frightens me too. I am a very open and seemingly confident person towards the people I love. To all others I am very reserved and shy. I am very, very sensitive, and get hurt very easily. When I am with my GG best friend, nothing bothers me in the least, but when I am alone, I feel very intimidated (and I am still dressing in an androgynous fashion, for now). I am hoping to begin transition by the end of the year, but I am nervous about it. I just have to do it though.

[Beth-Lock]

I see I have a lot in common with the more sensitive respondants to this thread.. At least I am not alone in thinking the way I do.

As for experience, Dilane, I have a number of years experience and that has helped a lot, as you said it does.

Another thing, is by calling it a one-year trial, I am leaving myself a way out, a sort of escape route.

One writer wrote in another thread, that the real motivation is to do what you want to, and what pleases you. I wanted so much, for so long, just to walk out the apartment door fully dressed, and not worry too much about what others think. I now seem to have realized that goal. When dressed, I am not confined to staying inside, not anymore.

[Kristen Kelly]

Dilane, take it in steps. I am not fulltime but live my life as if I was. At one time I thought at first I wanted to go all the way to SRS, I was following the lead of others but it is my life and have to follow my heart. I have let my highlighted blonde hair grow to my shoulders, wear small hoops in my ears all the time, can always be seen in women's jean and out without makeup get missed and maamed often. Where I'm at feels good, 1/2 way between where I was and thought I wanted to be. Been on HRT for 2 years very happy at the place I am right now, unsure if and when I will go farther. Don't be afraid to be different in our own community, you have the courage to do it with the world by telling everone, "Yes I'm TS" there is no wrong choices if it is what you want, don't let others shape your life.

[Empress Lainie]

I am a poor example because I never had any doubt from the day I had my epiphany about transition. I never felt such happiness and freedom, in spite of what it has cost me.

[Beth-Lock]

My life is going better now, I am happy to report. The slow, patient approach with people who had been obtuse, seems to be working to some degree. I might even be able to get a referral for some services. I no longer am so afraid to go out. My friends and acquaintances are starting to accept me dressed en femme, with one or two major exceptions. I have even been invited to attend the functions of the local transgendered support group and went to a couple of their dinners.
Life is going on and I feel invigorated.

[MELISSA2U]

hi there.
i must add something to what beth said,not to seem to argue.
for me , rlt was a good thing for me,and it helped me see this was the only way i could live my life,as female.
i have read some good things here.i have lost the majority of old friends,then theres a guy whom i am friends with ...whom thinks one day he ll change my mind.lol
for me,i do pass very well. i have made strides that really surprised my final reviewing psychologist.for me i think alot of it is how one carrys' oneself,attitude,socialization skills ( this is necessary as women are socially different than men are, and at some point you will more than likely will be socializing with women) , physical passibility does help one considerabily.
i cant say i am a know-it-all, i can only state what has occurred in my own personal life.
as time went on, the longer i was on hormones helped considerably also.
m

[shirley1]

The hardest part I find is being accepted as a woman by society, sure you might dress and think you look the part, but when people are continually addressing you in male gender terms it makes things harder.

A big part of transition for me is to live the life of a woman, not be still referred to as a man, 5 weeks into my RLE that's the one and only thing that I am struggling with, I am happier in every other way, hormones are fine bodies changing quite rapidly now, and I intend to go all the way and have surgery, I just look forward to the day when I am identified as a female.

[MELISSA2U]

shirley ;
i like you do intend to go all the way...to see the plumber.
for those whom dont know how i mean this...i had to explain this to my last reviewing psychologist....
when one has a plumbing problem...one needs to get re-routed.....<G>;
i try to use my humor to get me through difficult moments,which for you shirley , might be a piece of advice for you.
with the exception of a small percentage of the time , i am regarded as female,which is just as i want it to be.
i can recall the first time i heard yes,ma'am.that really put a smile on my face.
i did have an interesting experience however , when i went for my name change..however,the judge called the case....he goes: excuse me ma'am...we are calling a guy....i replied to the judge....: read the paperwork in the file more closely,and the letter from my ob-gyn doctor.
it was a bit humorous in a way, as i then knew i changed enough,that even a judge regarded me as a female.
melissa

[Beth-Lock]

I guess I am going to find out after all, what happens after a failed transition/real life test. At the moment I am just sort of stunned. Of the year, I lasted just three and a half months of full time.
I had a complete, bad emotional reaction during the process of being helped by a self-help group. One minute I was happy, wearing a skirt and a wig and passing okay, and talking to the doctor about an assessment for suitability for sex change. A few hours later, I was washing the make-up off my face and changing into male clothes as fast as I could. I haven't been tempted to wear women's clothes since.
I still don't know what hit me!

[Anna the Dub]

I guess I am going to find out after all, what happens after a failed transition/real life test. At the moment I am just sort of stunned. Of the year, I lasted just three and a half months of full time.
I had a complete, bad emotional reaction during the process of being helped by a self-help group. One minute I was happy, wearing a skirt and a wig and passing okay, and talking to the doctor about an assessment for suitability for sex change. A few hours later, I was washing the make-up off my face and changing into male clothes as fast as I could. I haven't been tempted to wear women's clothes since.
I still don't know what hit me!

You weren't ready. You didn't fail the rlt, you just were not fully ready to do it. Maybe you will try again in the future, maybe you won't. How do you feel now? Are you happy with where you are at?

[Beth-Lock]

How do I feel? Initially I felt very bummed out. Now though I am starting to put this into perspective. It is a time of great fragility when one has something like this happen. So, now I am just trying to take care of myself. I am also puzzled about what went wrong. I hope I will be able to see a therapist to get some insight into my situation. Was I really a candidate in the first place? This has shattered my confidence in myself, as a woman.
When I say I changed into men's clothes, that is partly an exaggeration, because I could not find enough men's clothes left over from what I had pitched out or put away, right away to change completely, and some of the clothes, though men's clothes were unisex enough that I had also been wearing them as a woman, for example, a colored T-shirt, and so were where they were handy.
Anyway, only time will tell. It takes time to think of all the things that help one understand what has happened and why in any big event in life, if one ever does live long enough to understand it all. As they say, 'Too fast old, too slow smart."

[Veronica_Jean]

Beth,

Just keep things together, and see what happens. You are clearly quite upset and shocked by your experience. I suspect seeing your therapist and trying to understand what happened, why, and what it means is your best path at this point.

None of us are interested in pushing anyone into something they are not ready to live with. If you are not ready, or this is not where you need to go with your life, then it is ok.

Whatever you do, just take it one step at a time, and know that there is still support for you.

:hugs:

Veronica

[Beth-Lock]

It is now a little while since I got dumped from the transsexual mentoring program. For a while, I stopped living as a woman as a result. To say I was traumatized is perhaps putting it too harshly. I certainly was upset though.
When I was living as a woman I used to go out to see the flower bed in the courtyard. Today, was the first day I felt comfortable going back to that old habit, but now, thinking like a man again, I took my camera with me, instead of just being content to view and appreciate the flowers. It is funny how you notice the little things, about being different as a man rather than like a woman.
Now I have bounced back, and am living as a woman again, I am happy to report. I think it will take at least a year to know if I will take it further, and at last two years to see if I feel that I should go all the way. This summer, being mild, has been great for transitioning. But I am still looking forward to wearing those Oh-So-Feminine, high boots in winter.