If we GG's could say anything/ The good and the Bad [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

05-04-2009, 07:44 AM

I was thinking about how when giving advice we always tell either party to talk to your partner. Well some things are just hard to say or ask. So I thought I would ask our GG's if there would be anything they would want to say or ask if it was done
anonymously. What would they like to say to their partner ( in hopes they would read it and see it in themselves) or the group
without fear of being slapped down.
This is an experiment on opening communication lines. Please in your responding posts refer to the poster as Fab/ GG anonymous and the number. Some of the ladies have questions and some just need an outlet in hopes their partner might read and open an discussion with them. Some of these are their feelings so please if it rings a bell with you fine if not this is way to get their feelings out in hopes the partner will see it.
I WOULD LIKE ANOTHER THREAD FOR ALL OF THE TG/CD LADIES TO GIVE THEIR FEELINGS ANONYMOUSLY
( within forum rules) You can pm Shelly Preston , az_azeel or Di and it will be in total confidence.And we will post your feelings and questions as well in hopes of more understanding.

Note these are some of the Fab ladies, feelings, experiences in hope their partner will read and see themselves. This is up for discussion BUT NOT ARGUMENT Feel free to answer any of the questions or discuss the thread.For clarity state Fab/ GG anonymous #

05-04-2009, 07:55 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 1.

I am trying to be supportive and you ask why now I get so nervous when you want to dress. I am afraid to tell you
from something that happened after I first found out.
You were getting ready and it has been several hours and I had to use the restroom. I knocked on the door to ask if I may use the bathroom and you went crazy screamed, ranted then took a shower and it was all my fault I ruined it.
So now after you tell me you are getting dressed, I do not eat or drink anything, and one time I am ashamed to say I went to the bathroom outside. I get sick to my stomach
from fear when you want to dress because of this reason
NOT because I am not accepting. It seems like when you dress you are not accepting of me.

05-04-2009, 07:58 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 2

You lied to me when you asked me to marry you.

You told me you just 'liked to wear skirts.'

I asked you straight out, with sustained eye contact, if you wanted to become female.

You said, very clearly, 'no.'

Now, you admit that you didn't tell me the truth because you feared I wouldn't marry you. WELL DUH. I probably wouldn't have.

But...I might have. Because I loved you then. I love you now.

But honesty would have been the better course and much more respectful, considerate and loving towards me because now...our lives, our families, our hearts, and our finances are entangled.

Making a decision to stay or go based on the current 'full disclosure' is very difficult.

I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel tricked. And I highly resent that you have put me, quite deliberately and with intent to deceive, in this very awkward painful position.

05-04-2009, 08:05 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 3

My biggest fear has always been that you are with me because I am accepting and only that reason.

05-04-2009, 08:08 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 4

I've known very early on in my relationship that my boyfriend fantasied about forced feminization and female domination. As someone who is completely submissive in the bedroom I feel that I have robbed him of something he enjoys.

He has told me that he used to think he was submissive, and assures me that he now enjoys taking a more dominate role with me whether he is in girl mode or boy mode.

We have an amazing sex life, but its a great fear of mine that I won't always satisfy him. I notice a great deal more Submissive Cders than Dominate ones. I feel like I am going against the grain of the Cder norm. I adore him and desperately want to please him.

05-04-2009, 08:09 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 5

Why are you whinging your wife doesn't accept you, and yet I see you here for HOURS and HOURS? Do you even know where she is? Where your kids are? Get of the damned computer and go spend time with your family out in the real world
Or is it better in here where someone will agree with your twisted version of reality?

05-04-2009, 08:13 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 6

I enjoy it when you are enfemme and prefer it.Do you act all macho to cover up something you fear is wrong? It is not wrong!
I would much rather have the real you and not the macho jerk anyday.

05-04-2009, 08:16 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 7

I love the two of us dressing up and going to our monthly get togethers.:D What I do not like is you getting ready taking up the bathroom for about 3 hrs and if I take 5 min in the bathroom getting ready you blow up because your beard will be coming through.Be more fun for me if we BOTH could feel pretty.

05-04-2009, 08:26 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 8

Most cders go through the pink fog stage, for some it is more intense than others. For those who have SOs, who try and slow this down, why don’t you listen? Instead you just carry on and buy stuff most of which will probably never be worn, want to dress at every opportunity. Then you complain that your SO doesn’t understand when she gets angry for all the stuff that going on and wants to try to get a grip on things.

Then there’s the boundaries breaking, you’ve both come to an agreement with boundaries, but you want to go further. Instead of talking about it nope you just go ahead and move the goal posts, then again wonder why you’re SOs angry.

Life can be good with a transgendered person but you've got to be willing to listen to your SO and her worries, and try to help her overcome these things, and not just go off and do your own thing.

A lot here seem to think that once an SO knows then life can just carry on as before, well sorry to say for most it doesn't happen like this, ok in a few years, yes I said years not weeks, months, it may well all come together, but a lot of talking and understanding has to be done.

05-04-2009, 08:27 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 9

Pet peeve....once we know..why continue to lie about things...its only going to make things harder for them. If I asked a question I want the truth not a lie .

05-04-2009, 08:30 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 10

Would you want/like constructive criticism on your pics from us GGs about makeup, clothing or wigs ect?

05-04-2009, 08:37 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 11

Just because I love YOU, does not mean I can accept that you CD .We are talking apples and oranges here....one does not equal the other. I might love you but I might not like the cding.

05-04-2009, 08:38 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 12

I love the way you value my opinion, on the clothes you wear and how you let me help to put your outfits together.

I love how you appreciate my femininity and always tell me how lovely you think I look.

I love the way you smiled when I brushed your wigs for you and showed you how to plait them.

I love that when we go shopping we play the what can I spot for you game. I try and find things you'd like, and you do the same for me.

I love the way that you respect my views on none animal tested make up and go out of your way to use stuff that isn't.

I love the fact you laughed at me when you caught me jumping up and down on your bed in your frilliest petticoat.

I love the fact that when I accidentally stumbled over your cross dressing magazines you let me flick through them and explained everything to me.

I also love the fact that when in the same day and place I found the porn you used to use before you met me, you didn't dismiss and hide it. You handed me all pieces to flick through while reassured me it ment nothing and then promptly threw them away without me even asking you to.

I love the fact that when I need to ask you a serious question you sit down and turn off all distractions to face me, and that you answer honestly.

I love the fact you never forget that I am a women, and that I have desires too.

I love the fact that you respect me.

I love the fact that on days when I struggle with insecurities you never get angry about having to reassure me, and that when I cry you hold me.

Its because you make such an amazing man that I'm happy for you to be a lady too. With you I always feel center of the world.

05-04-2009, 08:40 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 13

For a community that craves acceptance, some of you really are not very tollerant of others. Remember it's a feminine trait to be empathetic.

05-04-2009, 01:46 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 14

I feel bad for the people come looking for advice and are really trying hard to get to grips with it. Yet they are made to be the baddie because "It's not like he's hitting you or anything" while I appreciate the fact it isn't anything like domestic abuse, I hate how they make dressing seem like its nothing. When really it can be.

I think these women should be allowed to walk away with their heads held up high. If that can't accept the dressing, its not a crime. They shouldn't be punished for it. Relationships are a partnership and should be on equal footing, they are also a choice.
It seems to me that if partners can't accept their SO's cross dressing then many of the Cders are out with their pitch forks and ready for a witch burning.

Incidentally, just because one women accepts one mans dressings, it doesn't mean she would accept all CDers as a partner. Crossing dressing is quite hard to deal with, but because my partner is open and honest about it, and goes out of his way to make me feel good about myself and where I stand as "His woman" its fine. I'd never consider dating another Cross Dresser if all I got was drama. Many seem like they are extremely high maintenance.
To me its the man inside that counts. I'm sure if I was partnered with any of the other Cders on the site I would struggle.

Finally, I cannot bear all this lying. I hear a lot of Cross Dressers say : "If I tell her she'll leave me! So I'll just keep hiding and lying because that better than being alone."
I believe very much in the saying - If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.
By set free, I mean by the truth. After my partner told me, I didn't flee and here we are now very very happy together.

However if your wife/girlfriend/partner cannot handle it and she does leave eventually all your doing is prolonging the inevitable. If she leaves then it was never ment to be. I would feel very resentful if I was with a partner who lied to me for so long only to come clean late in life. In my opinion thats robbing your partner of a chance of finding true happiness. (Not that we can't find true happiness with a cross dresser, on the contrary. Many of us have but like Cross Dressers, women vary.)

05-04-2009, 02:00 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 15

The good: I love your sensitivity and compassion.

I love the diversity in the bedroom.

I love having a girlfriend to see chick flicks with.

I love being able to rely on your taste and knowledge about female fashion.

It's cool to have the option of borrowing your stuff if I need to.

The bad: I feel awkward about your long nails in guy mode, even though I know that your appearance has no bearing on me.

It hurts me sometimes when I feel you would rather have something pretty for you than for me. This is the part of a traditional relationship I am working on letting go, but it is hard.

I feel threatened by your fascination with other women. It makes me feel as if something is lacking in me. I am not as fascinated by other men.

The good and the bad together: Sometimes I need a take charge kinda guy in my life when I feel overwhelmed and I just want to feel protected. But I also know it is good for me to rely on myself.

05-04-2009, 06:59 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 16

I like the fact that I can talk to you in either mode and know that I am speaking to the same person.

I love the fact that when we are having us (male/female) time, that your fem while there, does not dominate.

I love to walk with you in either mode and being able to hold your hand or walk with arms wrapped round each other.

I love the fact that you trust me enough, to trust my judgement.

I appreciate that I am not always the easiest person to live with and that you are sensative to my moods.

I appreciate that you allow me to share this part of you with me & that you do not make it all about you, that you remember that I am a half of our relationship

I love knowing that I know and love the complete person and am loved back by the complete you

05-05-2009, 06:44 AM

05-05-2009, 06:45 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 18

The biggest hurdle is not that you want to wear a skirt, but that you didn't trust me enough to let me into part of your life, and by not letting me in you didn't give me the choice of being with the real you. I'm still here. Look at all that time you wasted.

05-05-2009, 06:47 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 19

I hate the way you pay more attention to yourself than you do me, like when my nails look nice, you brush it off, but when yours looks nice, you expect me to compliment you until the cows come home.

I hate the way you still wear girl things when we're having sex, I've told you, but you don't listen, I feel like my feelings don't count. One day, you will listen, maybe if I start wearing male attire to bed, you will get the message, but it isn't fair that you don't listen to me, when I support you 100% in everything you do, why can't you give a little back?

I love that you love me unconditionally.
I love the way you snuggle up to me at night and hold me till I fall to sleep.
Every night for the last xx amount of years, you've told me you love before I sleep, I love that.
I love the way you make me coffee in the morning.... but you could make me breakfast too
I love our family outings, you put them first, it's taken you a long time.
I love everything about you, you are my soul mate, we've had our problems, but we've come through them

05-05-2009, 07:32 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 20

When I first discovered you were a CD, X amount of time into our relationship, YES I was hurt angry and bewildered that you did not tell me, what hurt more was that while I was willing to learn about this new you, and what it meant to us, you lied and lied some more.

You wouldn't listen to me, and how I was feeling, that hurt, I wanted to learn not just from others, but from you, what this meant for us and our relationship, but instead you kept rejecting my attempts to talk and learn .................. you took and accepting SO and turned her into an unaccepting one, not for CDs, but for you .............. to late you attempted to repair the damage, to many lies, to many goalposts moved ............ you lost not just a partner, but an accepting SO .. how sad is that ..... if I could go back to the beginning of finding out, knowing what I know now I would not have wasted the extra years trying to learn, trying to make it work.

Some CD's do not deserve an accepting SO because of what they do to them ............. you were/are such a one!!!!!

05-05-2009, 07:56 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 21

Cds that brag about things they do behind their SO's back, they seem to think that they are doing something good, then they wonder when the SO finds out why she's like she is.

Be honest with your SO and work things out instead of sitting moaning all the time.

I love you for being my soul mate,
for being here for me when I've needed you
but most of all I love you for being YOU

05-05-2009, 08:56 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 22

I hate the lies I have to tell on your/our behalf to family and friends about what we did last night/at the weekend. I hate the knowing grins from those same people when I say owwwww we are having an us night in at home, and having to farm the kids out because you need time to dress, the comments hurt when I hear them say "you are so lucky that XYZ still loves you enough after all this time to still want to spend time alone with you" ........... If only they knew the woman in your life at those times is not me"

I hate that family gathering see you sit in the corner sulking, that is if you even bother to turn up at all ............. I hate lying again to your family and friends about you being a touch off colour or that it has been yet another stress filled week at work, or there are rumours that you may lose your job in a company re-shuffle, I hate it, do you hear.

I miss the man I fell in Love with ........ I need him sometimes ..... but she needs you more than I do apparently

05-05-2009, 09:04 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 23

I do not understand something. I read on the forum how some appreciate or really like woman to dress up. But if I do it upsets you and I end up feeling ugly and undesirable.

05-05-2009, 09:34 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 24

Why all the worrying,second guessing, anxiety,stress, questioning everything from how to label yourself, to your sexual orientation and to how others see you?Be happy, live your life, enjoy your loved ones, stop beating yourself up.
You should firstly accept yourself as you are and then be grateful for who you are.

05-05-2009, 02:31 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 25

It hurts that you have gone out en femme and others have seen you, but you still won't 'dress' in front of me - not fully anyways. I know your outings mostly consist of going through fast food drive thrus and pumping gas, but still. The way it seems to give you a thrill at other people's reactions to you make me a bit envious. Envious because you haven't given me the same opportunity that you've given total strangers.

It hurts when we go out together and you keep diverting your attention to other women and their clothing I don't care if it's the clothes or the women you're sizing up, but it makes me feel 2" tall when we're out and I have to fight for your attention. At the end of the night, I feel like I've been on a 'date' with my husband and the handful of other women he seemed to be more into. That accounts for some of my 'bad moods' after what you feel was a great time out together.

I feel like you enjoyed CDing more when you were being sneaky about it.

05-05-2009, 02:36 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 26

"I love you more than words can say. But over time I've lost the sexual connection that I thought we had. All of my instincts tell me that I'm not the one who satisfies your erotic desires even though I know you love me emotionally. I don't feel that you feel passionate about me, and in turn it has affected the passion I feel for you. When we make love I often wonder who you are and who you're with in your mind and if you're pretending because you don't want to lose me. Sometimes I wonder if you're disappointed in who I turned out to be and if you stay with me because there is no better alternative. It breaks my heart but I don't want to let you go because I love you so much."

05-05-2009, 02:38 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 27

I don't love your cding.....I love YOU. So when you see the green light and take it so far that I have to be the one to slam on the breaks and you wonder "What's the matter? I thought you liked this?" It's because of your behavior, not because I am suddenly becoming unaccepting.
I see now that cding is an important part of who YOU are...that is what is important to me. If cding went away tomorrow, and I was left with YOU, I wouldn't miss cding for a minute. On the other hand, if I could wish it away and was left with a shell of my husband, then I would wish the cding back in an instant.

05-05-2009, 02:40 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 28

Thank you for trusting me enough to share your inner-most secret with me.

Thank you for opening up the whole world of 'dressing-up' to me and for encouraging me to appreciate and embellish my own femininity.

Enough already with the clothes buying! I'm not sure we can establish a successful business in second-hand clothes (even if you were prepared to sell any of them) and we really don't have room to house a well-known department store's entire women's clothing stock.
Fab/ GG anonymous 28

Sometimes I really would like to do something for both of us that doesn't involve dressing-up or shopping (either physically or via the internet). Romantic dinners a deux have diminished of late.

I fell in love with you as a man and I'm turned on by you as a man. Much as I know 'she' is just a facet of you, I'm just not sexually attracted to her... and I don't think I ever will be!

I wish there was a remote chance of you even reading this. It seems I spend a lot of time on this forum (to the point where some members must think I'm making up the existence of a CDing SO!)... and you have no desire to.

05-05-2009, 02:42 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 29

I like the fact that the mods have got this thread up and running, because we can say what we really feel without it causing a whole lot of hard feelings in our house.

I can say here what I can't in my own name on open forum, for fear of condradicting what you say there,and others having a go at you and defending me, I don't want them to do that, but they need to hear my side as well, .... or saying how hurt/confused I am over something you did/did not do, ..... or even just ask a general question from something I read in another thread and you feeling I am having a go at you.

It's not all about you, sometimes it's about me and my wanting/needing to hear things and explore things just as you do .

05-05-2009, 09:13 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 30

Why is it, you give GG's such a hard time for telling you straight, when you've asked the question in the first place and then every other CD on the forum gangs up on them, even though, they are right! For a group of people that crave so much acceptance, that emulate US, you seem to have such a low opinion of us, that you make it so hard for us to accept you.

And why do you treat new GG's with such disrespect, when they come here looking for answers, and you give them the same old crappy line of 'well at least you're not with an abuser, or an alcoholic' etc etc... how do you know? How do you know they haven't already been through that? Just because you think CD'ing is harmless, doesn't mean it is, it can cause so many problems, because you turn us into liars, we have to lie to our families, even our children, because YOU don't have the guts to tell them. In a way, you've shoved us in the closet with you. How is that fair?

Some of you don't like GG's, because they tell it like it is, because they tell you the truth and you're used to lying so much, that when the truth smacks you in the face, you can't take it, you'd rather be lied to, because you're used to that. We bring up our children to be truthful, to teach them the cold hearted reality in life, yet we're expected to pussy foot around you, so you're feelings don't get hurt. Well, our feelings get hurt on a daily basis, living with pink fog, being misunderstood, being ignored, being made to feel unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. You're not the one living with a CD'er, we are.
__________________

05-05-2009, 09:15 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 31

I don't want damned matching anything ......... I hate it when twins are dressed alike .......... I am an individual, and have my own way of expressing myself, through dress & other things, I don't want to be your twin & I don't care that the other CDs think it is cutsie, I don't, I keep saying .... you don't listen:sad:

Another thing why do you all harp on, and on, and on, about how women should dress, women fought long and hard to be allowed to wear what clothing they choose, and even today, there are places & religions & cults where they are severely restricted .................. wear what you want, stop judging & condeming us by the women you want to be or believe we should be, we are happy the way we are, our choice, live with it

05-06-2009, 04:55 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 32

I am lucky AND maybe others will take from your lead. You treat me like a Queen and I then have no problem treating you as a princess.

05-06-2009, 04:57 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 33

How many of you Cd'ers notice that your wife wears a bra to bed?
How many women wear pantihose or stockings to bed?
How many women go to bed dressed?

None that I am aware of so where do you guys/as CD'ers get the idea that we as women are like this in any way.

Now I do read that some of you CD'ers wear nighties to bed as does the wife, i see that some wifes are not happy or comfortable with their male partner wearing a womans nightie, whats wrong with a mans niteshirt?? does the same thing, is it because it doesnt feel the same or look feminine enough??

05-06-2009, 04:58 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 34

Yes we are amazing women we are the glue that holds everything together,
in keeping, not only your hobby as some call it,
As "some"of us are fortunate to be told up front, about your CD'ing, what unsticks the glue is the ability to decieve, like the saying "what a tangled web we weave when we practice the art to decieve."
If your wife were to decieve you or hide something from you the boot I KNOW wouldnt be on the same foot it be on the other foot, would be the end of matter, & all hell would break loose, same male trait, no matter that you are males, no more no less, that choose to CD because you appreciate the finer things of a woman.
DO we as the WOMEN in your lives not deserve that right to be appreciated as well, for being the finer people who support and love you, who we are & for all we do,
your enfemme for goodness sake our darling men who like to play dress up.

05-06-2009, 06:09 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 35

I am so happy with you- you treat me like I am the most precious thing in the world to you, and I know you would never knowingly do anything to make me feel uncomfortable.
When I first found out about the crossdressing, I didn’t think it was a journey I wanted to take: I didn’t want to live with secrets and lies, but weighed in the balance of everything that is right about us, now it doesn’t seem such a big thing after all, and in some ways I quite like having our special ‘naughty’ secret.
I just wish you had enough trust in me to tell me in the first place, so we could have avoided the traumatic way I found out, and the long time it took to build up trust again.

05-06-2009, 06:34 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 36

Break the cycle of secrecy and embrace that special side of YOU.
For the single ladies please realize it is a part of you please learn from the others. that it will not go away, it is not wrong.
Love yourself unconditionally and open yourself up to love unconditionally.

05-07-2009, 06:50 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 37

Please don't assume that I'll always want to make love to 'her'. I don't mind sometimes, but I LIKE making love with YOU. Does she always have to be involved?'

05-07-2009, 09:37 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 38

What does the future hold? Of course, every partner worries about the future. Is this going to lead to The Operation? Where that lovely appendage to which me as the wife if is quite attached will be removed?
Valid questions. But my answer might surprise you. as long as I am loved and valued none of that matters. It is the relationship that matters.

TG-Taru

05-07-2009, 12:11 PM

Fear, fear, fear i think is the answer to many. "if I told, I wouldn't be given the chance." "I didn't know yet then." "Why risk rocking the boat." and so on... Not that people wish to deceive, but fear they have to to get fair treatment, or don't see a reason to tell - the reason not to tell being the feared risk for something that shouldn't matter that much to begin with, or is seen as inconsequential to the relationship. Where that goes often wrong of course is keeping it from affecting other things, especially when things turn out later to be more than originally thought.

Fab/ GG anonymous 1
answer

I think he/she felt as sick and scared and insecure as you do now, that's why the reaction. I'd try explaining and talking it over, defuse the tension, help both of you. of course, I don't know the chances of that working in your case, especially if the other is too defensive and shut to listen properly.

I just wanted to say I don't think it was you, or that they didn't want to be supportive of you but the other's personal problem(s) being overwhelming just then.

Fab/ GG anonymous 4
answer

I think the submissive thing is because of the sterotypical image of women being more submissive, so CDs should be too. And you shouldn't worry to always every time be perfect either.

Fab/ GG anonymous 10
answer
Ehh, some would, some times. Some are too insecure or touchy to hear any sort of criticism, some like constantly learning. I'd say don't offer if not asked, unless you think you know the person well enough. But yes, especially if asked, and not relating to a specically CD area of expertise, a GG's advice would be most welcome.

Fab/ GG anonymous 15
answer
Fascination with other women - I assume not specifically romantically - don't worry. If you don't share the fascination in opposite, it's just because you are not trying to appear like a man or into their look on yourself. It's not that he doesn't want you or wants them, it's more about him/her self.

Fab/ GG anonymous 17
answer
Not true to my knowledge, in general. For some maybe, for most i'd say it's untrue. If it's true for your partner, can only wonder why.

Fab/ GG anonymous 33
answer

I don't usually bother myself, nor do I have anyone to mind. When I do though, the material being nice is just a pleasant side effect. I don't have a woman's body, so clothing meant for women, even if somewhat uncomfortable, helps with feeling better, more right, when I'm feeling more womanly. An aid to be and feel, more than to do exactly the same that women do. Same reason that many CDs, especially in private, go over the top in their day/evening look - overcompensating what they (we) lack naturally.

With a partner you should of course discuss your feelings and agree on something you feel comfortable enough with.

I think you're all fine women and I hope you get the attention and consideration you need.
:hugs:
(also to you that have it good already :) )

DonnaT

05-07-2009, 01:32 PM

I've known very early on in my relationship that my boyfriend fantasied about forced feminization and female domination. As someone who is completely submissive in the bedroom I feel that I have robbed him of something he enjoys.

He has told me that he used to think he was submissive, and assures me that he now enjoys taking a more dominate role with me whether he is in girl mode or boy mode.

We have an amazing sex life, but its a great fear of mine that I won't always satisfy him. I notice a great deal more Submissive Cders than Dominate ones. I feel like I am going against the grain of the Cder norm. I adore him and desperately want to please him.

For some, forced feminization and female domination is merely a fantasy. That is, it's a way for them to be able to dress with their wife's approval. However, if the wife is already accepting, then there is no longer a need for the fantasy.

If he's allowed to dress, then there's no need for force, is there!?

Maybe your husband isn't really submissive. I figure, if he was, then your sex life wouldn't be so amazing.

But, like always, if you have a question that's eating at you, don't be afraid to ask him. Knowing is better than not knowing, and fretting over not knowing.

Fab Karen

05-07-2009, 04:08 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 31

Another thing why do you all harp on, and on, and on, about how women should dress, women fought long and hard to be allowed to wear what clothing they choose, and even today, there are places & religions & cults where they are severely restricted .................. wear what you want, stop judging & condemning us by the women you want to be or believe we should be, we are happy the way we are, our choice, live with it

It isn't all of us saying such things, just a very vocal minority. Some of us point out the hypocrisy & chauvinism of it when we see it. Often they are the same CD's who haven't fully embraced what they are, and live in fear instead of doing what they want, and discovering that it isn't as bad as they assumed out there.

chrissie-h

05-07-2009, 04:11 PM

Di, What a great idea to share these thoughts, feelings, and experiences anonymously! It gives such a wonderful insight to how the 'other half' can see :love:things.

Sarah...

05-07-2009, 04:31 PM

KarenCDFL

05-07-2009, 04:49 PM

Hi, Hope its OK for me to post my thoughts on this. Maybe it should be in a new thread.

My wife is accepting because:

1) I told her and showed her well before we married.

2) We each take the time we need in the bathroom getting ready. Sharing things as needed.

3) She loves the fact that when we go shopping that I can tell her honestly if she looks good in the outfit or not. And only she knows why I can do that!

4) She loves the fact that I set my own boundaries. She lets me know if I can go past them.

5) We communicate to the point of knowing what each other is feeling or thinking without having to say it.

6) She always know I have an extra eyeliner for her to borrow, or did I borrow it from her?

7) She know that the girl in me is part of me and I am the same person with or without makeup.

8) I love the fact that she says, Honey, why don't you dress up, you will feel better.

9) We both love hearing: lets take out the toy box after we are all dolled up. (Use your explicit imagination!) :o

There is a whole lot more. But what the above shows is that an SO can be extremely understanding just as long as you are honest, and communicative.

It took a few years to get to this comfortability level. We took our time and just let it happen.

michelle64

05-07-2009, 06:51 PM

honestly i never read them all..but the consensus is DONT LIE..im in 100% argreement...told my GG the first date..been together over 5 years..all happy...wonderful time we spend together doing things we enjoy...i worried about it but after 5 years it was really stupid...i do feel for those GG who have CD's who lie..makes for tuff relationship...problem is they just have not accepted it....just my thoughts

az_azeel

05-07-2009, 08:06 PM

I know a lot of people rarely read the intro post.. and go straight to the last post... this thread has been posted as way of an example and has actually been taken from the F.A.B forum ..which is as you all know is a private section. Di posted this in here to show you some of the quotes made from wives and partners.

Now as Di said in her original post :-

I WOULD LIKE ANOTHER THREAD FOR ALL OF THE TG/CD LADIES TO GIVE THEIR FEELINGS ANONYMOUSLY
( within forum rules) You can pm Shelly Preston , az_azeel or Di and it will be in total confidence.And we will post your feelings and questions as well in hopes of more understanding.

As Di said this could be a way to open communication..

shesadvl

05-07-2009, 08:44 PM

This is such an important thread. It's full of human pain, joy, suffering, contentment, despair and love.

I should think some of this is already shared by the couples concerned. A lot isn't. Why is that I wonder? I hope we are all listening properly to the thoughts and feelings posted here. I'm not responding to anything specific. My partner, Becky, is no longer a contributor here. She's working with similar communities elsewhere though. And we've talked about all of this stuff. She talks, I listen. I talk, she listens. I really hope we're listening to the thoughts, feelings and emotions expressed in here. They are absolutely invaluable. :) I'm hoping this is the thread that becomes a springboard to some happy individuals, some happy couples and a greater understanding of the differences that make this such a potentially rich community.

Sarah...

Way to go sarah thats an awesome reply we as GG's loving & supporting partners, know that "some" of you do get ....that the communication is important, so heres hoping that all of you are listening or taking it in.:love:

KarenCDFL
From A Crossdressers Point of View :

awesome Karen it takes time yes, but see what being upfront is about., its a shame that fear is such a wicked thing. A bit like "would you go where angels fear to tread", by changing that to CD'ers.'
Its in How your partner is in the communciating the sharing,of all things,appreciation,
can make it all the much better, its about being happy with and within yourself as
to who you are and where you are...:love: called acceptance all round.

Ralph

05-07-2009, 10:35 PM

Oh man oh man oh man... this was absolutely fantastic. A lot of the concerns here are thoughts I've voiced to myself but (usually) kept quiet about around here for the sake of keeping the peace (and not having my thread deleted for being unsupportive or critical of the way others express themselves).

What a vain, self-serving, inconsiderate pack of louts we are. If I have been that selfish in anything I have said or done to my wife, or anyone else, I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.

Is it any surprise that the number one objection in all of those posts was the lying?

Another interesting theme in many of the posts revealed the truth that we deny ourselves: underneath all the "I just want to look and act female" there's still the primal urge of fetish - when we wear stuff that no real woman would wear, or under circumstances that no real woman would wear them (like bras to bed (!) or dresses during sex (!))... that's not acting female, that's getting off on the sensual thrill of the clothes.

And finally, the whole center of the universe thing. Preach it, sisters! We expect our bizarre endearing behavior to be supported, nay, admired - but when do we make the missus feel like she and her interests are all that matter in the world?

Three cheers for the lil' darlins :D for saying what needed to be said. I hope we all take away some lessons from this thread.

ralph

DeSkirt

05-07-2009, 11:15 PM

I really enjoyed reading this thread more than most. The whole reason I like to log onto this site is for me to try and figure out how cross dressing figures into my life and threads like this really get me to consider how my actions effect others, especially my wife and family.
I really feel the GG's responded from heart and their feelings as well as their words came through loud and clear.

great idea!

Sheila

05-08-2009, 02:11 AM

To those who have reponded to the thread .............. thankyou all .. it takes a brave person to stand out from the crowd and those who have have my wholehearted thanks :hugs:

Ralph ........... I hope that as well as our concerns and negativity in some post, that you (and others) can also see the posativity and joy that our partners bring to our lives, and that CDing can be part (PART) of a healthy happy relationship :) ........ even after all the hurt and pain that we can/do go through, there are the lighter, funny, joking times, there are the special tender times, there are a lot of positive things that can happen in a relationship with a TG. Bit like real life sometimes ain't it :D

05-08-2009, 08:12 AM

Ladies ,
I WOULD LIKE TO DO ANOTHER THREAD FOR ALL OF THE TG/CD LADIES TO GIVE THEIR FEELINGS ANONYMOUSLY
You can pm Shelly Preston , az_azeel or Di and it will be in total confidence.And we will post your feelings and questions as well in hopes of more understanding.
I do really feel it will help each other towards better understanding.
Thanks for all the pm's saying they enjoyed and appreciated the thread OUR FAB LADIES really came though.!Take a bow ladies:love:

Presh GG

05-08-2009, 12:13 PM

I think Di deserves one heck of an ovation for all her hard work in building these compilations.

INCREDABLE !!!:love:

May We ALL learn something form this great thread !!!

BRAVO DI !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!springtime

please keep up your answers , ladys. We're listening .

suchacutie

05-08-2009, 02:13 PM

Let me add my congratulations to DI for this thread...It is terrific, useful, important....

more like it please!

tina

Joanne f

05-08-2009, 02:13 PM

Thank you Di for doing that it was very enlightening and interesting.
I have always thought of myself as being straight forward yet i can see that some of those things apply to me , i am not who i thought i was which is a good thing because it gives me a better understanding of how the GGs see things .

05-08-2009, 10:14 PM

Thank you Di for doing that it was very enlightening and interesting.
I have always thought of myself as being straight forward yet i can see that some of those things apply to me and it has made me feel like crap as i am not who i thought i was which is a good thing because it gives me a better understanding of how the GGs see things .

joanne, I and the ladies certainly did not want you to feel like
crap..........we just wanted peeps to see things through our eyes
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::h ugs:

Sara48

05-09-2009, 12:43 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 10

Would you want/like constructive criticism on your pics from us GGs about makeup, clothing or wigs ect?
Honest constructive criticsm should be welcome if we truly want to emulate a GG

txrobinm

05-09-2009, 01:24 AM

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, Di and FAB's for putting this thread together. It is amazing in it's scope and authenticity! This is VERY helpful. Thanks again!

Joanne f

05-09-2009, 03:38 AM

joanne, I and the ladies certainly did not want you to feel like
crap..........we just wanted peeps to see things through our eyes
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::h ugs:

I know you don`t it was just me being a bit childish ( seams like there is still some male in me ):heehee:
It was a very good thread from you all :hugs:
Should be a sticky

Joyce1702

05-09-2009, 07:53 AM

This is a fantastic thread. Very eye-opening. I try not to be selfish about my crossdressing but I know that I sometimes am.

I feel bad that I have dragged my SO into the closet with me and that she has to deal with the secret as well. However, her children know, her neighbors know, so that makes it easier, there's less hiding now.

Thanks a lot Di.

Joyce

TxKimberly

05-09-2009, 08:24 AM

Di, before I read the posts that follow your thread starter, I want to tell you I think this is an AWESOME idea. I think a lot of us very much appreciate the rare glimpse we get in to the way our wives may feel or think and your thread has just dramatically improved our chances for hearing a candid thought. Thank you.
Now I just need to decide if I have the guts to read what they have written . . .

Laura_Stephens

05-09-2009, 12:35 PM

Di, thank you! Most educational thread I've ever read on this board or any other board.

05-09-2009, 08:20 PM

Thanks all:love: The ladies all gave their heart felt feelings.

I STILL WOULD LIKE TO DO ANOTHER THREAD FOR ALL OF THE TG/CD LADIES TO GIVE THEIR FEELINGS ANONYMOUSLY
You can pm Shelly Preston , az_azeel or Di and it will be in total confidence.And we will post your feelings and questions.
I do really feel it will help each other towards better understanding.

To the few that have sent in theirs it is much appreciated.:love::hugs:

So ladies come on you can say or ask anything...just pm Shelly, me or AZ:)

Krista1985

05-09-2009, 08:28 PM

I really enjoyed reading this thread,

It was an interesting perspective shift, and I think I can relate to a lot of what was said. Thank you Di for putting this together, and thank you to all the wonderful FAB's that participated in its creation.

steftoday

05-10-2009, 12:27 PM

I missed this thread altogether until just today. Way to go Di, and all those that contributed and responded. This was probably one of the best threads I've ever seen here.
Thank you!! :love:

linnea

05-10-2009, 06:22 PM

This is a response to "anonymous #10": yes, yes, yes, I would really love to get constructive criticism from GGs. Also I really appreciate this forum.

Fab/ GG anonymous 15

The good: I love your sensitivity and compassion.

I love the diversity in the bedroom.

I love having a girlfriend to see chick flicks with.

I love being able to rely on your taste and knowledge about female fashion.

It's cool to have the option of borrowing your stuff if I need to.

The bad: I feel awkward about your long nails in guy mode, even though I know that your appearance has no bearing on me.

It hurts me sometimes when I feel you would rather have something pretty for you than for me. This is the part of a traditional relationship I am working on letting go, but it is hard.

I feel threatened by your fascination with other women. It makes me feel as if something is lacking in me. I am not as fascinated by other men.

The good and the bad together: Sometimes I need a take charge kinda guy in my life when I feel overwhelmed and I just want to feel protected. But I also know it is good for me to rely on myself.

I appreciate these comments very much!

05-12-2009, 07:25 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 39

Just because I accept and encourage you, it does not mean just because you can, you should at every opportunity,

Sometimes I like having my male partner there without being asked if I want him there, sometimes it I need to feel you want to be there as MY MAN and partner, not as my trans partner. Even knowing that you are a CDER and knowing from early on in our relationship, knowing and living with are two totally different things.

I love you, but I love both sides of you, and sometimes I need/want the base guy.

Katherine Bell

05-12-2009, 11:11 PM

What a wonderful thread. I know it’s been said before but not by me. I really applaud the other GG's for such useful information. There where some that echoed my own frustrations in a way I could never have articulated. Thank you.

05-14-2009, 09:29 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 40

Why do so many act outraged when someone asks are you gay?
After reading here and elsewhere it seems like many are asking that very question. Constant threads of am I gay? Why do I want to be with a man when dressed? On and on:doh:
Methink thou doest protest too much .

Jonianne

05-16-2009, 03:41 PM

Di, this thread is exactly why I love this forum. I wouldn't want to have any part of a cd group that did not have FAB's/SO's as an intrigral structure of it. God, my heart breaks to hear some of the anonymous posts sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings. Hearing some of the posts remindes me how I have broken the heart of my ex and that grieves me. Other posts remind me of the love and acceptance of my Angel now and that brings joy and thankfulness to my heart.

I just want you to know, you are being heard and listened to.

Keep reminding us.

Love,

Joni

Miss Petra

05-16-2009, 11:00 PM

Thank you everyone who has participated in this thread.

Sometimes it takes a 2x4 to get it into our heads that if we are in a commited relationship its about the couple as a whole not just the tg/cd.

By far the best thread on this forum and should be mandatory reading for all. It justifies the wifes feelings that they are not alone in their struggles with this and it gives the cd/tg a unique glimpse into our our partners true feelings.

BRAVO

HUgz,

Petra

Sarah Doepner

05-21-2009, 11:26 AM

This is a great thread and has given me quite a bit to consider. My bride doesn't participate here, but I can hear her concerns in the postings of many of the women who do. On another thread the question was "how has this forum changed your life?". Reading these comments is changing the way I understand the impact of my crossdressing on my wife, and I have to recognize that it is not just a solo, self-serving activity. We are connected by love and dedication and I have to factor the impact of my choices in to our world.

linnea

05-22-2009, 10:40 AM

When she visits me in late June or early July, I'm going to tell my daughter about my crossdressing. I'm going to urge her to look at this forum and to read as much as she can from this posting area. It has certainly been helpful to me, and it has given me insights about concerns I should have related to telling my daughter (aged 30, by the way).

decoratorpro

05-26-2009, 07:19 PM

05-27-2009, 06:43 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 41

I see MANY cders say the same thing my partner dumped me because of crossdressing BALDERDASH.
We are hanging on by a string because you are an uncaring selfish jerk and my bad attitude is because of that not your crossdressing. If I hear one more time I am not really accepting
I am gone DID THAT SINK IN? You can dress anytime all the time but do not expect me to be ready to jump up and down after being treated like garbage weeks on end.

Diane_2902

06-14-2009, 03:13 PM

me and my wie talk about every thing

trishboy

06-14-2009, 08:38 PM

My apologies, I come late to this thread, but I encounter too many people on line hiding from their wives. My wife knows and appreciates I'm a sissy, and wholly embraces me in all my facets, as I do her. Sex is not gender. Men tend to need sensitivity training even when their orientation is alternative, as much of their attention seems to center around their dicks and not about the feelings of their spouse. Yes, I am generalizing. I have had the "hidden relationship" and now I have the one where you share. Life is short, as we all know or learn, yet I'd rather divorce a person who doesn't approve than live with same said person. Fortunately I don't have too, instead I have a wife I can talk about panties and makeup, gardening, cars and any other topic under the sun. I'm a lucky so-and-so.

DinaMature

06-15-2009, 08:56 AM

I missed this thread altogether until just today. Way to go Di, and all those that contributed and responded. This was probably one of the best threads I've ever seen here.
Thank you!! :love:

In the scope of things, I'm a new comer here... and can honestly attest that I didn't fully know all about myself until some months ago... much of the spirit of this thread I've all ready garnered from reading the general posts.

Having said all that, I think this thread should somehow be required reading and that the CD community should embrace what the GG's have said here.

Deception and selfishness are traps for this lifestyle ... that's been apparent. I know others have been sharply ostracized for throwing that ''selfish" accusation around but I have to agree.

My own GG/SO loves me in part for how I've worshipped the ground she walks on, how gratefull I've always been that she is in my life. I'd hate to think my own interests have ever interfered in the mutual feeling we've shared heretofore.

I've just come out to her and she was immediately supportive and accepting. With the lessons in this thread taken to heart, I hope I carry forward with prudence... not taking my freedom as a free pass to rush headlong to disaster.

JOJO44

07-09-2009, 01:21 AM

morgan51

07-25-2009, 07:27 AM

Thankyou for this thread I would say to my wife what can I do to make it easier for you I Love You so much and want your happiness to be in the fore
front too. I am so sorry I deceived you to start with and am willing to set things right what ever it takes I Love you above any of my tg issues Morgan

nicky22

07-29-2009, 04:22 PM

Thank you so much for this thread. As a GG new to all of this and trying to figure it out, it's a comfort to know how many awesome people there are out there working thru the same emotions in a similar situation. It helps soooooo much. Thank you!

Sandra

08-04-2009, 06:54 AM

GG anonymous 42

I Love You But ........

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sometimes struggle with the constant need for re-assurance your fem side needs, I can and do tell you how beautiful you look when you are dressed and mean it, but the constant need to be told several times a night sometimes drives me nuts :D

I sometimes help you choose what to wear that evening, will comment on your several outfit changes on the nights you choose to do a mix and match try out evening. I help buy things, or will arrive home with something for your fem side (far far more than your guy side by the way ). :(

You don't need the reassurance in guy mode that I adore you, nor should you need it in fem mode, because I do and you know I do, but sometimes if I am busy doing something, and don't respond immediately you take it that I don't want her there and that hurts, she is so intrinsically a part of you that I would never want you to not be her, and I mean never ever.

I wish that somehow I could give you a magic pill that would allow you to accept the whole of you as I do. I love you and every part of you so completely, I cannot believe how lucky I am to have found this wonderful person, my soul mate

08-12-2009, 01:37 PM

GG anonymous 43

WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH THIS FROM YOUR WIFE?

Flirting , speaking and acting in a way that suggests greater intimacy WITH MEN Double entendres, and suggestive,COMMENTS both online and out.

Sending sexy pics of yourself to strangers.And interacting with these strangers.In a flirting manner.Being online doing all this and ignoring your wife.

The stock answer you give me as it is for "Validation"of my girlside.
WHAT OF MY GIRLSIDE? I am lonely and feel unloved as there is no intimacy what so ever :sad: we can't even hold hands as you do not want to be seen but only as two platonic girlfriends.
You refuse to see my pain and hurt but yet I am expected to turn my life upside down to accommodate your needs. My needs you say are silly.
Well I feel like the BEARD ( camouflage ) for your secret life.
I only wish I did not love you but that love from the lack of love and care being returned has diminished my love for you.The waves have worn these rocks with deterioration of my self love and I am weary, fatigued, exhausted and very sad.

KayC

09-04-2009, 05:03 PM

I am really sorry to hear you go through this...I hope you've expressed it to your SO. Sometimes people don't see things from the other's perspective and need to be made to look at it.

GG anonymous 43

WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH THIS FROM YOUR WIFE?

Flirting , speaking and acting in a way that suggests greater intimacy WITH MEN Double entendres, and suggestive,COMMENTS both online and out.

Sending sexy pics of yourself to strangers.And interacting with these strangers.In a flirting manner.Being online doing all this and ignoring your wife.

The stock answer you give me as it is for "Validation"of my girlside.
WHAT OF MY GIRLSIDE? I am lonely and feel unloved as there is no intimacy what so ever :sad: we can't even hold hands as you do not want to be seen but only as two platonic girlfriends.
You refuse to see my pain and hurt but yet I am expected to turn my life upside down to accommodate your needs. My needs you say are silly.
Well I feel like the BEARD ( camouflage ) for your secret life.
I only wish I did not love you but that love from the lack of love and care being returned has diminished my love for you.The waves have worn these rocks with deterioration of my self love and I am weary, fatigued, exhausted and very sad.

I think it's great that both CDs and GGs are able to post on this forum and see each other's responses because it helps us understand each other more fully. It really isn't all about the CD, it's about BOTH of us if we are a couple, and it's good to remember that. It's not all about our accepting as bystanders, it's about us both participating fully in our coupledom in such a way as we both have our needs met and are happy in life. We both need to voice ourselves and feel heard by the other.

QueenofHearts

09-22-2009, 02:36 AM

wow. It's hard to read some of these postings because I can sadly relate! :( When I was dating a crossdresser I never really had an outlet to talk about it with other women and yet these women express some of the same things I felt and went through! I so wish I had come across this forum years ago as a form of support....

QoH

AKASadieGG

09-29-2009, 01:46 PM

Wow is right! I see so many bits and pieces of myself in these posts. I can't wait to get in my 10 posts so that I can post to a place where my fears and doubts and questions can be addressed by other GG's. The male brain and the female brain just do not process information the same way and no amount of clothes or makeup will change that. I'm sure that this statement will anger some but for me this is just truth.

jweanie1

09-29-2009, 05:56 PM

So true in what you say.....just because we now know its like the flood gates open and he feels it all ok now and I can do it anytime, anywhere...yippeeee. Uh..NO, not the case. Now we know but take it easy on us for God sakes!!!!!

You speak the truth but I must say that sometimes it is very helpful to get suggestions and help from BOTH sides cuz there is always two sides to every situation.

I hate all the buying too. I finally had to say "look....until you have worn everything that you have in your little "pandoras box" no more buying already!!!!!!!

everyones feelings should count....50/50 no matter what we are wearing. CDing should be fair to both people in the relationship.

Would it be acceptable if you flirted with the same or opposite sex by him? Probably not. Have you posed that question?

carolmello

09-30-2009, 11:14 PM

Wow is all I can say right now. After reading these I am very grateful that my SO has been open with the cding since before we were married. I knew who I was marrying and I don't regret one day that we've spent together no matter what. It was hard at first to accept it and there are times when I find myself wondering "why?" but I fully understand just how hard it was to tell me and I commend him for doing that.

Carol

Leigh58

10-19-2009, 07:03 PM

Even if I am finally able to accept you as a CDer, I still need you to be a man when you come to bed with me. To expect me to set aside my feelings during intimacy so you can wear your frilly little things is beyond selfish.:sad:

I think I can get used to the idea of sharing some "girl" stuff with you, just not in our bedroom.

I love you.

The last few days have been good (despite me being under the weather). I love that FINALLY we are able to talk to each other about this part of you. Why did it take us SO LONG?

I do love you!:koc:

DaphneGrey

10-19-2009, 11:36 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 10

Would you want/like constructive criticism on your pics from us GGs about makeup, clothing or wigs ect?

I would welcome it and I would listen. I want to learn from real women whenever possible. I realize I fall painfully short of the mark. I am sorry if my attempts at being Feminine are some times cartoonish. I truly do want to learn.

Anna the Dub

10-24-2009, 09:56 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 10

Would you want/like constructive criticism on your pics from us GGs about makeup, clothing or wigs ect?

God, yeah! I, like a lot of others, am always open to any suggestions on how to improve my appearance or on things I need to avoid doing. Would hugely appreciate it.

MyLoveMillie

10-25-2009, 03:54 PM

I love everything about you

You make me so happy and so complete...

You never forget about my feelings and my desires...

When you get shoes I get shoes, when you get clothes I get clothes... I love this it means you think about me even when you are doing the most exciting things...

I love how at night you hold me really tightly so I feel safe..

I hated how you told me you didn't want me to think you were less of a man because of this... You will never be less of anything to me you will always be more..

I cant thank you enough for letting me in to met this amazing person the person I knew was hiding from me... I do wish it had have been in the beginning....

I love the change I have seen in you, the smile I see so much more...

I love everything about you and because you told me I now have so much more to love....

I love you

Hannah xx:daydreaming:

mariea

11-24-2009, 11:50 AM

Just wanted to say what a great thread this is. Really interesting to see other GG's views.

lilmmissmuffet

11-27-2009, 12:47 AM

It is good that the voices of us partners are being heard.
If I could speak? mmmmm

I hate that you looked into my eyes, smiled and lied through your teeth to me.

I hate that you turned your back on our sex life the day we married, preffering masturbating dressed, your fetish.

I hate that you watched me driven to despair and depression trying to save our relationship, wondering if it was my fault for not being attractive, not being sexy for three years, before I found out that you were advertising to be used sexually by men online, your sexual prefference. You destroyed my self esteem and my ability to feel desirable.

I hate only being the second woman in your life, I feel like a substitute mother, here to give you unconditional love in a sexless marriage.

Jane Douglas

12-02-2009, 06:37 PM

Sorry to be a wet blanket, but there is a flip side to this discussion.

So a word of caution to any 'girls' reading this thread and getting warm and fuzzy thoughts about coming out to their wives. There is a risk that you could be setting yourself up for a punitive divorce settlement. I have two friends who found themselves in a settlement discussions where their 'dressing' was used as an issue of leverage against them by their wives lawyers. Threatened to expose it/them in court.

I think before opening any dialogue on the subject with your SO - you should evaluate your marriage and be sure it is on solid ground in every other respect.

As for me - my lips are sealed!

12-08-2009, 10:55 PM

GG anonymous 44

What you need from me is unconditional love and support and that is exactly what I do my utmost to give .

Answer me WHY is it only one sided? Why do I not deserve the same in return?

RobynBella

01-27-2010, 04:06 AM

I told my girlfriend about 6 months into our relationship. I wasn't hiding it from her, the only reason I didn't tell her was because I wasn't doing it. After I kind of lost a bet with her and one of her friends and they dressed me up, I told her. I was scared to, and so worried that I would lose her, but I wanted our relationship to be based on honesty and openess. I tell her everything about me, even something I'm even more ashamed of than the crossdressing... Not that I'm ashamed of crossdressing anymore, finding somebody who accepts it and loves me no matter what has made me think it's silly how I used to worry what others thought. Of course I'm still shy about it, but no shame at all. This girl is so wonderful and I'm afraid of what I'd be if I never had her in my life. She has made me smile daily for so long now, and I live my life to make her smile right back. I am so grateful to have her in my life and I will never take her, or her acceptance of me for granted

Roxie__

01-28-2010, 05:09 AM

How beautiful! I love all these things about my darling SO, Kelly, too. Although I haven't found any magazines yet!
Roxie__

Fab/ GG anonymous 12

I love the way you value my opinion, on the clothes you wear and how you let me help to put your outfits together.

I love how you appreciate my femininity and always tell me how lovely you think I look. [...]

I love the fact that when I need to ask you a serious question you sit down and turn off all distractions to face me, and that you answer honestly.

I love the fact you never forget that I am a women, and that I have desires too.

I love the fact that you respect me.

I love the fact that on days when I struggle with insecurities you never get angry about having to reassure me, and that when I cry you hold me.

Its because you make such an amazing man that I'm happy for you to be a lady too. With you I always feel center of the world.

Thank you FAB GG Anonymous 12 for putting it all so beautifully. I too love my darling SO for so many things,

Roxie__

Fab/ GG anonymous 16

I like the fact that I can talk to you in either mode and know that I am speaking to the same person.

I love the fact that when we are having us (male/female) time, that your fem while there, does not dominate.

I love to walk with you in either mode and being able to hold your hand or walk with arms wrapped round each other.

I love the fact that you trust me enough, to trust my judgement.

I appreciate that I am not always the easiest person to live with and that you are sensative to my moods.

I appreciate that you allow me to share this part of you with me & that you do not make it all about you, that you remember that I am a half of our relationship

I love knowing that I know and love the complete person and am loved back by the complete you

This is also how I feel about being with Kelly/my GBF (is that the right term?!). Reading this sort of thing is reassuring as I realise that a great relationship is a great relationship, if it's with a CDer or not.

But still, CDing must add an extra 'something' to even the best relationship... Is that 'something' great, wonderful and good? Or does it get hard as time goes on? I'd like to ask GGs if they used to feel like this but now don't, or if they used to accept CD and even love it, but came to resent it.

If the answers are yes, why? If they're no, tell me more about it please?!!!

Thank you!
Roxie__

Bev06 GG

01-28-2010, 05:49 AM

Thats easy. I'd say quit blaming your faults and shortfalls on your dressing and your sexuality. We all have faults, we wouldn't be human if we didn't.

Quit feeling guilty for how you feel about dressing, weve all got something in the closet that were not too keen on shouting from the roof tops.

And quit being miserable about things you can't change and enjoy the things that you can.
take care
Bev

angpai30

01-28-2010, 03:32 PM

I was reading some of the comments here and realised that I may be doing exactly what some of you have posted. It is easy to loose track of what you are doing when you come into full contact with yourself and how you may or may not feel at the time.
This thread has helped me to realize how I may be neglecting those certian points within my own relatioship which are the foundation OF our relationship. I have been blinded by my own faucet to act, walk, talk and see myself as a woman and I am on here an awful lot reading posts from other cders. Thank you for all you're posts and I want you to know that you are appreciated for all your remarks and in helping the crossdressing community to know how you really feel about the situation at hand.
I for one am constantly thinking of new ways to improve my relationship with my SO, but did not realize that it was the simple things that would improve our relationship. To some extent I have been selfish in my indulgance in crossdressing especially in trying to build a feminine wardrobe, which seems to be growing more and more, but then again so has my so, which, in all courtesy to her seems to think we need to spend every waking moment together when we both are not working.
I have interests that I would like to indulge in some of my other interests that I have besides crossdressing that I really don't have a chance to indulge in becuase my wife is at her parents house almost every day. Even more now because her grandma moved in with her parents and she needs extra care now which I am ok with, but when her mother always asks her to look after her while she is gone doing her errands I am left at home with no transportation. So to fill my time alone I crossdress and buy things online to accomadate my needs as a man and a woman.
There are times when I overstep the boundaries set, but I do my best to go back and change things before they get out of hand. This thread has made me think about our situation harder than I have ever thought about it because my wife doesn't express her concerns because she doesn't like to talk about my crossdressing. I have on many occassions wondered about how she may feel about it and why she was upset with me on occassion even though I try to make her feel like she is the woman in the relationship and I will do everything to respect that as I try to genuinely make her feel pretty and compliment her on her makeup and so forth when she wears it.
Thank you to all of you wonderful ladies that posted and gave you're heartfelt annalysis of you're relationship.

Amee Marie~~

HappyWife42

01-29-2010, 11:54 AM

I'm so hurt that you didn't tell me that you were a member of this forum..that you hid from me you referrals to yourself with a female name or as a girl..that you talk openly about being comfortable as a woman in actions and looks with strangers but never told me..your wife...I love you for who you are, including your female side, but I cannot make love to woman..I need you to make love to me as a man...and I feel such sorrow that you have been hiding this referral to yourself as a woman from me. So hurt that I am wasting my day off sobbing in front of the computer. I am so mad at you for putting me through this when you could have been forthcoming from the start and we could have explored this together. The fact that you won't apologize makes it so much worse. I am afraid I can't believe you when you say you don't want to take it further. I'm afraid you are not going to be the man I need in the future. If only you had asked me, instead of hiding, what my feelings were you would know there's enough room in my heart and in our bed for you to be the man that I need in my life and the woman within..but now I am afraid I can't trust you.

Even if I am finally able to accept you as a CDer, I still need you to be a man when you come to bed with me. To expect me to set aside my feelings during intimacy so you can wear your frilly little things is beyond selfish.:sad:

I think I can get used to the idea of sharing some "girl" stuff with you, just not in our bedroom.

I love you.

The last few days have been good (despite me being under the weather). I love that FINALLY we are able to talk to each other about this part of you. Why did it take us SO LONG?

I do love you!:koc:

I too need a man to make love to me. I am a woman with needs, and I need you to be a man. If you take care of me by being the man that I need, I could care less about you CDing, and will even embrace it sometimes in the bedroom. But you have been neglecting me, and for that reason your CDing is frustrating. Take care of your wife too, otherwise, why are you married? I wonder if you are only married to me because I will accept you and you don't have to try to hard to make me happy. I wonder if you are willing to do the work it takes to make this marriage work, or if it would be easier for you to just keep on taking the easy way out and half-assing it as a husband and as a CD. **** or get off the pot! What is it you want???? Stop hiding from me - wake up and face it!

tgcowgirl

01-30-2010, 11:25 AM

After reading a lot of these posts, all I can say is there are some AMAZING women (GG) on here. I hope all the CD er's read these, and realize how lucky they are for having a woman in their life who is at least trying to find some acceptance. Make an effort to show your SO how much you love her, and how special, and beautiful she is to you...and give her the time she need's with her "man". Most of all, respect her boundries. Communicate, compromise, and RESPECT.

Bandabe

03-16-2010, 01:49 PM

I love you. When you told me, it made me take a step back, but I found it exhilarating experiencing something new. I did a lot of research and asked a lot of questions so I would have a broad perspective in understanding what you need. I told you the boundaries I was comfortable with and you accepted. I had a night so you could see yourself dressed as a full girl, including shoes, wig, nails, and let you borrow all kinds of dresses for the night. Whenever I clean out my closet I give you the clothes, because I know how much you will like it. Then you completely pushed and broke the boundaries. It hurt that you couldn't remember my boundaries, so it should be ok. I'm afraid you will disregard me in the future. Stop saying you won't dress anymore b/c we both know it will never work for you or our relationship. I would never ask you to either. All I want is for you to respect my boundaries or tell me you don't want to.

Jonianne

04-20-2010, 05:15 AM

Thank you for this thread. I wish all cd'ers would read this, listen and really let "sink in" the feelings expressed.

So many of our SO's don't mind our femme side as long as we give them the loving, gentle, masculine side of our being they were attracted to from the begining.

t-girlxsophie

05-25-2010, 10:41 PM

Been on this Forum six months now and this is the first I have visited this thread,Am so glad I did,It is so revealing to see the hopes and fears that GGs have whether they back their other half or dont.Some of the posts here have left me laughing out loud and even more,hit a nerve and leave me with tears in my eyes

It makes me feel so lucky to have the understanding and support of my wife,but It has also gave me a little food for thought,Am I doing enough to show my appreciation for her,do I take her feelings into account.Its good to look into yourself to make sure your showing your Love for her in the right way,and never taking her for Granted

Karentgny

07-12-2010, 02:00 AM

Fab/ GG anonymous 17

Is there really sex in a transgender relationship ? I was told by my partner no sex was part of being married to a transgender partner.Why? And is this true? And why is this true?
Totally untrue. May be specific only to your partner. Seek help in counseling with someone (a professional) who is totally Transgender familiar.

Pythos

07-12-2010, 11:06 AM

I frankly find it amazing and annoying when I still see the significant others of fellow people with variant life styles, say "Why didn't you tell me?" or "I feel so betrayed" or so on.

I just don't understand why this is so hard to accept.

We live in a world where cding IS STILL a reason that the courts can use to screw over the divorce in a divorce proceeding. In some circles CDing is still considered a mental flaw on par with schizophrenia.

OF COURSE WE HIDE!!!. I hide my true self from my first love, Aviation, and from my mother. Why. Because both are way stuck in the 50s, when "men were men, and women were straight"

When I meet my SO, I want to be in my style, not what society expects. But what do I do if I meet that someone while on the job? I will have little choice but to hide, cause if she blurts out what I do, I stand to lose both her AND my career.

That is a BS proposition.

We are persecuted or ostracized for doing something that hurts not one person, or takes the food out of someone's mouth, or deprive air for someone's lungs.

Ladies, please don't be mad at your lover because he hid. WE have experienced betrayal by people who should have loved us unconditionally, so being leery of letting out this secret I think is completely understandable.

ReineD

07-12-2010, 11:27 AM

Pythos, I don't like to respond directly in this thread since it is about people's opinions, but in your case I would like to point out that everyone understands keeping the CDing private in the workforce or in casual dating relationships.

Just not in a marriage or in an equally intimate and committed relationship ... for years and years. In any romantic relationship, discretion about certain things is respected. For example, it is not PC for exes to advertize intimate details about their sex lives once the relationship is over. Good relationships are based on trust and to not divulge something as important as gender ID variance seriously puts into question a partner's willingness to commit emotionally to someone else.

Victoria Anne

07-12-2010, 12:51 PM

Di you deserve a standing ovation for this work and I for one and greatful for iy and think it was due. I agree with so many of the GG's and my heart goes out to them. I have often been appauled at some of the remarks and comments made.
Mrs.M and I have the relationship we do because I was honest from our first date,from the respect we have for eachother and because we keep nothing from one another even if we fear it may come across hurtfully,we know it was not the intent. If I were to truly boast of her I would be here until next year typing just to begin. MrsM is a real and true treasure, a one of a kind woman and should I live a thousand years I would not be able to begin to worthy of her ( she does not like when I say that but it is how I feel).
Finally to all the GG's and SO's ,you are wonderful and weather or not you are given that respect you so deserve never forget there are those of us who stand in awe of you as women and SO's for who you are and not just your gender.Thank you again Di for this insightful thread and to all the contributions by the gg's and So's.

BRANDYJ

07-12-2010, 12:58 PM

Can I simply ditto what Victoria said to save some space for more of the wonderful loving caring GG's that cared enough to join this site?

I sincerely hope your SO or husband gives you the respect and love you so richly deserve.
I am blessed to have an SO that loves me, cares about me and understands me. I love her more and more each day. I fully appreciate her. I hope your mates fully appreciate you too.

Rondalake

07-30-2010, 07:39 PM

I don't know if its appropriate for CDers to comment. But the GG's comments are very enlighting. They have helped me to better understand what my wife is feeling. Or more importantly how my CDing has affected her and our relationship. Thanks for taking the time and thoughtfullness to comment. I think we CDers need to hear them. Sometimes we're too close to the situations to fully appreciate what our wifes/SO's are saying.:2c:

Rachel Mari

10-23-2010, 05:23 AM

This thread really helps me realize more fully the effect that CDing can have on a relationship. The self denial does and will eventually have to be dealt with and we need to do it together. Key is to listen to other concerns and limitations.

DianeDeBris

10-27-2010, 02:15 AM

Belated thanks, first of all, to Di for creating this wonderful, constructive, valuable forum, and thank you as well to Reine and the many other GG/FABs who have poured their hearts and souls out here.
Wow. [Deep breath] I've put off reading this forum for a very long time, and just now have read it straight through, start to finish. As others have said, the posts here are heartfelt, painful, loving, beautiful, awe-ful, breathtaking in the depth of love they reflect, shaming, and so much more. To all the non-CDs who have posted with so much love and honest about how our activity/interest/predeliction affects you or makes you feel, above all thank you. I for one tend pretty frequently to focus on what is important to me, and blithely to forget all about how my needs and wants and interests affect the one person in the world whom I love above all others and all else (including, I like to believe, myself). Your comments have allowed me a small window into what my own Beloved may be experiencing and feeling, and have led me to rethink how I can love her and treat her better and (I hope) more selflessly. My inclination is to write some perky resolution now, about how I'm going to do better, be a better husband, etc., etc.; but I think the more honest thing for the moment, at least, is to let all your thoughts, feelings and insights settle in to my consciousness and to absorb them more fully, rather than make rash or shallow promises I may prove unable to keep. FWIW, I do promise you all, and my own Dear One most of all, to take all you've written utterly seriously and to try my best to absorb the wisdom you've made available to the likes of me and to turn it to a positive outcome with my own beloved SO.

Joanne f

10-27-2010, 04:04 AM

There are many reasons to keep cross dressing a secret , some real and some born out of fear , the type of person you are or who your wife/so is , your neighbourhood , town, workmates , friends and family all play a part in how comfortable you are with it and how safe you feel it is to come out with the truth of not only what you are but how far you would like to go with it .
Saying that i agree in that if you are a serious cross dresser and it is something that you need to do then you should share at least your desires with your wife/so but the knowing when to do this is the hard part as time can pass so quick and then you are into the "you should have told me yeas ago situation ), then you are in a situation where the trust and mist trust has almost been reversed on each partner.

10-31-2010, 09:01 PM

If we GG's could say anything/ The good and the Bad by Fab Anonymous 18

I get scared of the unknown that may come. I get scared when you go in your cave and don't communicate with me sometimes, you don't let me in emotionally, not as much as before but still at times, I get scared when we/I don't feel that heart to heart connection with you cause I don't want you to die on me all of a sudden and that's the way it was right before! I need that above all else! I need you to love and trust me fully without reservation, to show me in action, not just think it! I want you to trust me enough that you can tell me all your feelings good and bad.

I love you more than I have ever loved another human being except for maybe my mother! lol You have opened up a side of me that I never knew was there emotionally and sexually, you have helped me to love deeper, to trust more, I have more fun and laugh with you more than I ever have before, I love your smile and your chuckles, I love who you are as a person, you inspire me, you are a very strong person, I have learned so much about myself through our relationship. I love you sweethert!

WsprsOnTheWind

11-16-2010, 10:16 PM

I'd say it's a crying shame that lots of you guys look better dressed than many of us genetic females and it's just NOT fair! lol

Danielle Scarlett

11-17-2010, 06:59 AM

I arrived here yesterday,and so far I 'm astounded at how many of us "part time girls" there are,(I hope my description does'nt offend anyone,its an affectionate term I coined to make myself feel better about me!). Whispers on the Wind,I hope there are more ladys like yourself here,you're just what I/we need! Comments like that make us ALL smile and feel free to be ourselves.Thank you.

ChristiesGurl

11-17-2010, 08:02 AM

I love you. As a boy, as a girl. I love all of you.

I don't want you to hide your girl side from me or bring her out only for special occasions. I want you to let me love her too. I want to know her more and do things with her and pamper her. I want to go shopping and have pedicures together. I want to buy her flowers, take her on a date, to dinner in an expensive restaurant, and dancing on the town. I want to show her off. I want to treat her like a woman, carry things, and open doors. And when the night is over and you put her away, I want to snuggle with your boy self, in your t-shirt and flannel pj's, and tell you how much I care about both of you.

You... all parts of you... are everything to me.

SweetPea_GG

12-13-2010, 02:53 AM

Ived enjoyed reading this thread. it makes me feel that im not alone in alot of feelings and fears that I may have right now but havnt expressed yet. Its nice to get things out that maybe your SO hasnt noticed and hopefully they read something that was your words or someone else words and take a look at themselves and think "am I that way too?" or "I wonder if my wife/SO feels that way too" and then hopefully put forth or change some things that might need fixin

12-16-2010, 11:24 AM

Fab Anonymous 19

You hid a part of you for all these years from me. I was hurt, scared, angry and numb when I found out on my own. We are married we gave our lives to one another. I thought you knew you could come to me with anything.

I have fears daily that you will want more and I wont be able to handle more. Im scared I will lose the "man" i fell in love with years ago to someone that now feels like a stranger in our home, a mistress in our relationship. Ive given up so much over the years to be your wife i feel so selfish inside now praying that ill wake up one morning and everything will be back to normal and I will have you back fully as my man.

I miss your hairy legs and chest. you didnt know this but laying next to you feeling that always was a comfort. It was a turn on for me and now its gone and I must wait for summer to have it back.

Im scared baby, scared that now you know that i know it will progress more and faster. I love you the man I married.. im not ready to love her yet, and if i figure out that I cant love her.. will you still love me?

You spend a lot of time on the computer when I wish you were with me sitting next to me. We dont have to talk but just hold one another. To be in your arms is to be in heaven. it makes me feel safe. I just want to feel like a priority to you again. Ive lost that feeling.

I love you. You are my hero and my rock. never have you let us go without. From the moment we became a family you were there to provide for us. You are my strength at times. I do like to find my inner strength but I need you there too.

I love you forever and a day!

Pythos

12-16-2010, 11:49 AM

"You spend a lot of time on the computer when I wish you were with me sitting next to me. We dont have to talk but just hold one another. To be in your arms is to be in heaven. it makes me feel safe. I just want to feel like a priority to you again. Ive lost that feeling."

Then here is an idea. Throw out these narrow definitions of "man" you have. Look at your LOVE as a human being, that loves you, but is also scared. I can slightly understand your feelings, but get a little educated too. Most CDs don't want to go all the way, or lose their wives.

HE HID BECAUSE OF SOCIETY!!! Why is this so hard to understand? Can you honestly answer this question:

What if he had been completely open to you about his cding? Would you have married "your man"?

Or would you have ditched him like he was a piece of rancid meat and run into the arms of a "real man", who is likely hiding worse things?

I honestly have never heard a man say "I married a woman". Why is it I see women saying such limiting things as "I married a man". If a woman wanted to marry me because I was a man, then I would have questions about what it is she likes about me. Does she like me? Or the image of manly that is crammed down our throats?

ReineD

12-16-2010, 01:26 PM

I honestly have never heard a man say "I married a woman". Why is it I see women saying such limiting things as "I married a man".

Pythos, this isn't really the thread to begin a debate since it is about GGs expressing their feelings, but since CDs have commented in it to express their appreciation of the thread, and your thoughts are also welcome, I just want to say one thing that perhaps you haven't thought of, in order to equalize your statement:

You say that you've never heard a man say he married a woman. Don't you think you'd hear him say this, if his wife was to begin taping her chest, packing, gluing on facial hair, and perhaps thinking about top surgery or taking hormones so that she could look more permanently like a male?

Out of respect to the thread, if you want to debate my point, we can finish the discussion via PM. :)

12-16-2010, 11:12 PM

Fab Anonymous 19

You hid a part of you for all these years from me. I was hurt, scared, angry and numb when I found out on my own. We are married we gave our lives to one another. I thought you knew you could come to me with anything.

I have fears daily that you will want more and I wont be able to handle more. Im scared I will lose the "man" i fell in love with years ago to someone that now feels like a stranger in our home, a mistress in our relationship. Ive given up so much over the years to be your wife i feel so selfish inside now praying that ill wake up one morning and everything will be back to normal and I will have you back fully as my man.

I miss your hairy legs and chest. you didnt know this but laying next to you feeling that always was a comfort. It was a turn on for me and now its gone and I must wait for summer to have it back.

Im scared baby, scared that now you know that i know it will progress more and faster. I love you the man I married.. im not ready to love her yet, and if i figure out that I cant love her.. will you still love me?

You spend a lot of time on the computer when I wish you were with me sitting next to me. We dont have to talk but just hold one another. To be in your arms is to be in heaven. it makes me feel safe. I just want to feel like a priority to you again. Ive lost that feeling.
I love you. You are my hero and my rock. never have you let us go without. From the moment we became a family you were there to provide for us. You are my strength at times. I do like to find my inner strength but I need you there too.

I love you forever and a day!
FAB 19,
i hope he reads this before it's too late. my heart truly goes out to you

All i have left is just memories of a love i had but lost. killing our love one day at a time till there's nothing left I'll never love again, if only he knew how good he's got it.

sallyfields

12-18-2010, 02:37 PM

I would say apart from hello all, Coco channel once said to truly be a lady one must first truly love being a women, if you love being the women inside you you can be more of a lady than many many women trying to be men.

SweetPea_GG

12-18-2010, 11:39 PM

You say that you've never heard a man say he married a woman. Don't you think you'd hear him say this, if his wife was to begin taping her chest, packing, gluing on facial hair, and perhaps thinking about top surgery or taking hormones so that she could look more permanently like a male?

Thats a good way to put it Reine..if the roles were switched the men in that womans life would be confused as well. I think this topic is great and yes communication is the key to any successful marriage or relationship but sometimes there are feelings inside you cant express right away cause one may feel uncomfortable at the time or doesn't have the skills they feel they need to communicate the right way with their partner. So while they learn typing or writing down in a book helps let out feelings that have been crammed up on the inside.

Sometimes when feelings are written down they have more of a impact on a persons head/heart. You can write and read over what you wrote and try to express yourself more clear and calm then if you were talking face to face and you might be nervous and get everything out. Cause with speaking you can say something and not be able to take it back..like with paper/computer you can erase it.

But a couple should never loose the face to face communication.

James Kaon

02-24-2011, 04:30 PM

Fab/ GG anonymous 4

We have an amazing sex life, but its a great fear of mine that I won't always satisfy him. I notice a great deal more Submissive Cders than Dominate ones. I feel like I am going against the grain of the Cder norm. I adore him and desperately want to please him.

You sound amazing! You sound like you are in love (I think) and he is lucky someone not only accepts his CDing, but wants to give alot! However, IMHO, you should not really be so worried about whether you are going against the grain. A relationship is a 2 way thing and just as much as he may not be able to be something else than what he is, nor are you! If you really feel concerned, you should probably be open and ask the question.

Personally, I am open to being both submissive and dominating btu I could not say what is the norm... But whatever it is, its about how you both feel, and as you say, you already have amazing sex life! So dont stress too much about it and good luck!

Jx

trina

03-04-2011, 04:53 PM

I wish you would have told me, instead of me having to find out through someone else who discovered you on the internet.

ReineD

03-04-2011, 05:10 PM

In a different thread, I made the comment that wives continually need to raise the bar in terms of their acceptance levels, in order to keep up with their husbands' expanding femme expression. A member asked me what I meant by that, so I constructed a fairly typical scenario of what a supportive wife goes through. Several CDs commented that it helped them see it from their wives point of view and asked if it could be made a sticky. So instead, I am posting it here:

Say when they first meet, he only enjoys wearing panties & hose in the bedroom when they have sex and she thinks it's a bit kinky, but all in fun. But then over time he expands and wants to take it out of the bedroom and begin wearing outfits. So she adjusts her perception of what it means to him and she's OK with this as well. But then after a little while, he wants to begin shaving his body and get his ears pierced. At this point, she wonders if it isn't more than a harmless pastime, but she goes along (even though she misses her husband's body hair). And then he adds a wig, breast forms, hip pads, waist cincher, makeup. He plucks his eyebrows and his fingernails are permanently long and shaped. Perhaps he has permanent facial hair removal.

OK. So she still goes along (perhaps reluctantly now since she has no clue what's going on and her emotions about who her husband is are deeply conflicted) and she wonders if he's on his way to transitioning since he has changed his physical appearance considerably. She's afraid. He tells her no, he's not interested in transition and he doesn't see himself as a woman. But then he joins websites, perhaps starts chatting with other CDs, she finds that he has posted pics of himself all over the internet (in lingerie). The wife wonders if her husband is becoming more interested in men or other CDs than her. Perhaps she also finds an email or IM account or two, a facebook & myspace profile, and that's not counting all the hours doing this, plus the expense and the time involved in ramping up the presentation, the wardrobe, the jewelry, plus having professional makeovers & photo shoots. And perhaps a TG convention or two that take weeks of planning, shopping, and preparation, not including the time spent there.

So the wife begins to think that the CDing is far more important to her husband than she is, since he spends so much free time now (compared to before) on the CDing, the grooming, the shopping, the forums. And then he wants to begin going out regularly dressed, alone if she doesn't want to go with him, at first to TG safe places like alternative clubs, and then to mainstream places like malls, restaurants, & such. If they do go out together it is all about the stress (for her) and the excitement (for him), at least in the beginning since there is always a chance they will be recognized. The wife doesn't want her kids, her coworkers, his coworkers, their family, & perhaps some friends to know. Neither does he, but the excitement of going out supercedes the stress for him. And every time she's out with her husband and someone reads him and stares, she feels judged as well and her heart sinks a little and will continue to sink until she develops a tougher skin.

Oh, and he also wants to begin making GG & TG friends who do not know him in guy mode. He wants to experience being a girl with other girls. This is particularly worrisome for the wife at first, especially the GG friends, since the wife doesn't understand and she thinks that her husband is beginning to look outside his marriage.

This is what I mean by a wife having to stretch her understanding of it AND her support (if she doesn't want to stand in his way), so that she can keep up with her husband's growing expression. The wife never really knows when it will plateau since to her, it's been a continual expansion since day one, when it was only just wearing panties occasionally in the bedroom.

Now presumably they talk throughout all of this and he continues to reassure her that he's not into men, he doesn't want to become a woman, and he does love her. But she still finds it difficult to come to terms with this since what he says does not match his actions (looking increasingly like a woman, adopting feminine mannerisms, perhaps working on a feminine voice, dressing in ways that appeal to men, wanting to spend girl time with other women), and that's not mentioning the fact that clearly, the expression of femininity has become by far her husband's preferred activity.

The wife has to make a leap of faith to even begin understanding what it's like to be transgender, since there is nothing in her own internal landscape to even come close to experiencing anything like this. Additionally, she needs to redefine her marriage, her own role in the marriage, her place in her husband's priorities, and even her prior understanding of gender and sexuality.

I'm not saying it can't be done. There are many wives & girlfriends (myself included) who do stay the course with their CDing SOs, and who champion their right to be who they are. But it does require many GGs to stretch quite a bit. There is a learning curve, and it is steep for some GGs. Add to this the typical CDer who finds it difficult to define himself and who doesn't necessarily discuss with his wife every single next step or each new purchase until after the fact, and this adds to the amount the wife needs to stretch and become OK with each new development.

trina

03-04-2011, 08:35 PM

In a different thread, I made the comment that wives need to continually need to raise the bar in terms of their acceptance levels, in order to keep up with their husbands' expanding femme expression. A member asked me what I meant by that, so I constructed a fairly typical scenario of what a supportive wife goes through. Several CDs commented that it helped them see it from their wives point of view and asked if it could be made a sticky. So instead, I am posting it here:

wow...this really seems to get to me. My husband hasn't (to my knowledge--and I think hes starting to become super honest with me about this) wanted to become a woman..but that is EXACTLY what the person in this story is doing( in my pov). I would really have to think more about this so that I can be very clear that this is what I want.

Do all CD tend to end up this way. Or at least, think about it?

BRANDYJ

03-04-2011, 08:49 PM

No Trina, Not all CD's end up wanting to transition. Many if not most of us are very happy being a man that happens to like to dress and emulate women. I for one would miss being a man. But also if I had to give up crossdressing, I'd miss my feminine side. I enjoy being the man my sweetheart loves. I also know that if I wanted to go further, it would ruin the relationship we have now. She enjoys my fem side, but would never want me to lose my masculine side.
Reine did an excellant job it the extreme picture she painted wiht her words. Yes, I know it can and does happen to a few almost as she brillantly described it. But that would be crossing the line bewteen crossdressrs and transsexuals. Again, most of us don't want to go there.

Joanne f

03-05-2011, 04:40 AM

In all good things you can still find something that is questionable if you look hard enough , this is a good site for support, understanding and getting the answers you need but i sometimes wonder if there is a small negative side to it and that is because i think it is mainly the more progressive CDs that post the most about how they want to expand their dressing and the amount of time doing it even up to a TS level in some case`s, it can look like that is the normal conclusion or goal of a CD once you start to wear anything feminine.
Yes this does happen and i am sure it will continue to happen as more members get use to who they are or what they are but it is not a god given thing and as i have said i feel that it is those that you will hear the most from (which is understandable) so it sort of off balance`s the real situation a bit and i am sure this can scare some wife`s/SOs into the assumption that once their husband/SO admits to wearing panties then all will be lost in time as he is on his way to becoming a woman .
You have to take each case as an individual one , yes get the knowledge and help that you can get on here but just remember that there are a vast amount of wife`s/SOs and CDs who do not belong to a site like this because the CDing is only a minor thing (could get chastised for that):D so they do not seek help or feel that they do it enough to be able to post about it all the time .

Josie M

03-05-2011, 07:38 AM

I never saw that post before ReineD, but thank you for re-posting it here. It is important that we understand that perspective. I know there are days when I wish I could take off all restrictions on my expression as Josie. Eventually though I realize that there has to be a balance. Just as Josie is an import part of who I am, so is Joe. Thus, going too far as Josie could restrict my male persona and I need them both to fully be me. I can't speak for all crossdressers of course, but I imagine many of us are in a similar situation.

As for sexual preference issues I can say this; for what I put myself though accepting Josie as a part of who I am, I could have easily accepted myself as gay or bisexual. However, when all the "dust settled and the smoke cleared"....I'm just not wired that way. Josie may be part of my self expression, but I am sexually attracted to females. Again, I suspect this is typical of many crossdressers as well.

Eryn

03-05-2011, 05:06 PM

Trina, I think that one could equate transitioning to "going pro" in a sport, say basketball. Many people dabble at the sport, some may be quite talented at the sport, but very very few have the combination of physical ability and total commitment to make it their complete life. Possession of a basketball and a Lakers jersey does not mean that someone's likely to replace Kobe no matter how much they dream about it.

ReineD

03-05-2011, 07:38 PM

Do all CD tend to end up this way. Or at least, think about it?

Trina, the CDer in my scenario is not transsexual and is not becoming a woman. Rather, he is catching up his femme side to his guy side, so that he can switch back and forth with a minimum amount of effort, in order to go out dressed in public without being read by most people. The process necessarily involves a large pendulum swing (from not having expressed a femme side to seemingly becoming obsessed with it all), which many people here call the "pink fog", and then he settles somewhere in the middle (if he is not transsexual) where he will be happy in his guy life and he will also enjoy occasional femme outings.

I'm sorry if I frightened you. I've got to say that when I was reading about all this stuff before my own SO went from barely going out to being very comfortable out dressed, it scared me too. But, now that my SO does switch back and forth with ease, he has reached a point of balance with it all, just as I have. My point in writing the scenario was to let the CDers know that even if their wives are supportive, they need to stretch quite a bit in order to keep up with their husbands. :)

DonniDarkness

03-05-2011, 08:20 PM

Reine,

Great scenario and well written. As a CD in an accepting relationship your words ring true.

I think for those of us who work thru being TG as a couple both grow in understanding about each other. The majority of the problems and fears we both face in this rollercoaster take both of us communicating with each other about what is important to our personal needs.

As a CD'er myself, i find that my path too is constantly flowing and changing. However there is always one constant....Upon change we communicate. No matter if it is a fear or another step into the rabbit hole.

-Donni-

trina

03-05-2011, 10:32 PM

Jenniferathome

03-06-2011, 02:03 AM

Dear all GGs,

Because of your comments and advice, I was able to come out to my wife today. It went perfectly. I would never have been able to make the leap without you

sarraanddiane

04-04-2011, 09:26 PM

Hi,

Diane the GG here, hoping to learn more.
Stretched to the limit here.
What about those that go even further.

Thanks.

busker

04-05-2011, 12:34 AM

ReineD

04-05-2011, 01:45 AM

Diane, you should post your question in it's own thread in Loved Ones, for all to answer. :)

Busker, you should do this too, since this thread is more about a GG's reactions to her husband's CDing. But I will answer quickly that my scenario is not as extreme as you think. It is actually a fairly common path for a CDer who brings herself to the place of being completely comfortable switching back and forth at will and going out in the mainstream frequently (whether he is married or not). It is the path that my SO took. There just is a huge departure from the state of not CDing at all and this is why my scenario seems so drastic ... especially condensed in a few paragraphs, when the changes may occur over several years, or even decades for some people. :)

Any further discussion about this should really be in its own thread in Loved Ones.

nini

05-04-2011, 05:20 PM

Then here is an idea. Throw out these narrow definitions of "man" you have. Look at your LOVE as a human being, that loves you, but is also scared. I can slightly understand your feelings, but get a little educated too. Most CDs don't want to go all the way, or lose their wives.

HE HID BECAUSE OF SOCIETY!!! Why is this so hard to understand? Can you honestly answer this question:

What if he had been completely open to you about his cding? Would you have married "your man"?

Or would you have ditched him like he was a piece of rancid meat and run into the arms of a "real man", who is likely hiding worse things?

I honestly have never heard a man say "I married a woman". Why is it I see women saying such limiting things as "I married a man". If a woman wanted to marry me because I was a man, then I would have questions about what it is she likes about me. Does she like me? Or the image of manly that is crammed down our throats?

Well, interesting Thread this. I'm so glad and pleased my partner told me. We know each other for 9 months now and I have known about his cding for 3 or something. I'm glad he told me in a phase where we still get to know each other. I'm glad he told me at all! I would feel awful if my SO hid such an essential part from me. FROM ME, not society! How can you marry someone if you don't share your whole and true self with your SO?
Frankly, I don't mind at all that my partner wears womens clothing from time to time, I think it is cute as hell, I feel blessed he shows his female side to me and is actually willing to be vunerable with me, to be gentle and soft and not all macho (with or without cding).

Would I marry him (and her)? Yes, I would (if he asks me, LOL). Maybe even marry him twice if we feel like it, as him and her.

Man and woman being a couple has been the standard for so many years, that you simply don't add that you're married to a man or woman, people assume it's the opposite sex.
Where I live, gay marriages are legal, so it's becoming more common to marry a same sex partner. Even then, people still assume opposite sex.

I would not say I'm married to a man, not because I don't see my partner as such, but because I would marry him as a person, as who he is.

And oh my god, what a sad post (#120). My heart goes out to you. Keeping secrets, how ever hard to tell, it ruines a relationship, undermines trust. I count my blessings my SO had the guts to tell me. All of it and is still sharing. Love you!!

Iskandra

06-03-2011, 11:16 AM

This is to both GG's and CD's..
I have been on many types of fora, but will stick to just one (brand) to compare..
Many of the GG posts I have read here are about, "spends too much time online, too much time doing nails, etc..", "I'm worried I will lose the man in my life"... It's not the sole domain of crossdressing, it's a natural part of any relationship that loses balance... Sadly many/most relationships are unbalanced to start with.. You spend much time and effort pleasing your new or new to be partner that when it's 'mission accomplished', back to norm feels less.. I think we all know about the honeymoon period and it's sad end..

I used to play that crack cocaine of a game, world of warcrack.. I spent too much time online, offline i was mentally thinking how to get the next best piece of equipment, or finish a quest.. I became more fantasy figure and less of a man, life itself and all it involves and I built around me was crumbling, work suffered, heck I could make a living farming gold, I eventually lost my partner, she felt she lost the man in her life.. She showed me some fora about wow widows, I laughed it off..
Then after I lost her I went back and read with an open mind..
(funny, we expect our partners to have an open mind, yet we close ours)

I have never played it again.. It's just a game... But for something more important, that involves a way of life, it's not about 'playing or not', it's about balance, to have ones needs, feelings or desires accepted and become a part of our lives we must consider the same things about those that matter to us.. Yes they might clash, But truely loving someone it working past that, not seeing differences as a threat (ironically the differences with CDing are similarities) but as an opportunity to grow, to understand ones SO and become closer than ever!
Balance in oneself and tollerance of difference...
I think the most profound lesson I have learnt is that fear and doubt of something is a self forfilling prophesy... The more you belive it to be true, the more it will happen..
Fortunately the reverse is also true... Positive thoughts also come true... Non selfish ones anyway...

I..
Allow Yin and Yang come together and be a full circle...