A confussed wife!

[clear]

I guess you guys/gals on here have heard it all before but i am so confused i just had to type and say how i feel, maybe i am over reacting, maybe i should just except it and get over my self and stop being silly, but i don't quite understand so i am writing here to see if anyone can help!

My dear husband who has enjoyed cross dressing occassionally, always when drunk, and on and off for 15 years now wants to take up cross dressing as much as he can in the privercy of his/our home [when the kids 3/15 are asleep or away] as much as he can.i was ok with the cross dressing as i saw it as harmless, of course he to be this way was not in my idea for my ideal man but you can not chose who you love, so i am quite ok with the crossdressing but not all the time as long as he is still my man after..........

The problem arises with not just him telling me about his desire to crossdress more but with his confession of being bisexual this i am finding hard to except, i admit when drunk he did use to talk about other men but i really never took this seriously, now i know i should have.

So one what i would call a bad night and i guess he would call a great night, he will dress up to the nines and i will be woken from sleep by him talking dirty about other men and how he wants to give and take sex with men.

He says i am a prude and maybe i am but i would find the crossdressing much easier to bare it he told me that he only fancied woman, and loved me. But although he says he loves me he would like us to start attending swingers type partys, this i am not happy about.

Whilst being drunk myself in the past i have taken part in his fantasces but i just feel now it is all getting out of control for me at least. And really do not know which way to turn or what to think, i really am so confused!

I have said that he can do any crossdressing and bi behaviour that he likes but away from the house, as we do have a 15 year old son and i do not want him to see his dad this way, maybe join some clubs where he can experiment and find himself.

I would apprechiate all feedback good and bad as i know i can be narrow minded at times, and life is not litttle house on the prairy.

Thamks for reading.

[Sarah...]

I think you've been very understanding and accommodating already. You also need to think about what your own needs are. You seem quite clear on the boundaries you're happy with so it looks like a good talk is the next good thing that you two need to do - away from the evening drink and with some ground rules about listening established first. This should help to ensure you both understand the boundaries and why they are there.

It's not an answer as such, but we're all different. The key thing is to have a fair process for you both to get to where you each need to be. And that's more talking.

Sarah xxx

[Danielle]

Hi and :welcom:I'm not Dr Phil but in reality your hubby needs :rulez: I also have my SO and she has come to accept but with respect and me not taking it to the other level,your hubby also has to know the inmense love for family,I believe he can put those feelings away if he wants to have peace in his life as a xdresser or a person in general.Tell your husband to find out about other stuff that he might not even think of like STD's and well you catch my drift....I think its time to talk you 2:yrtw:Family comes first before pleasure at least for me..be safe you two!

[Margot]

I agree with Sarah. It's all about boundaries that you both need to agree to. Yes there are crossdressing clubs and support groups that he/she could join. Perhaps this is the first step. Perhaps the company and counsel of other crossdressers will allow him to really decide if he is Bi. He may not be. It may be just part of a fantasy because he may associate dressing with sexual excitement right now. A lot of us have been there and, although I don't want to speak for others, for myself being older and having been crossdressing since I was a teen, the sexual excitement of it has gone away. Now I dress because I enjoy being feminine and the female role.
I have a very supportive wife and you sound very accommodating. So talk it through. You need to express your concerns and needs also.
I hope this helps,hon.
:hugs:
Margot

[Juliet Simone]

My best advice would be to find an informed transgender sensitive therapist for individual and couples counseling. A safe non-oppressive place for you and her as individuals and both as a couple are needed for real growth and resolution. here's the rub, for individual counseling, you both need to be there (this may be contested, but its the cutting edge of therapy).

The reason for this is that the issue is not a private one, but one of the couple (and family unit), and if you are both present, there is accountability and direct communication of issues and positions. This is advocated by Terry Real (check out his books on covert male depression and couples counseling).

I have been doing this for a while, (although not on this issue ,I still have yet to come out to my wife). I think that the issues and concerns are great enough, and the risk or cost of failure is extreme enough that this would be a good option.

You may also consider joining a support group to help you get through this, that's fair enough.

I hope the best for both of you, keep in contact with the forum, these girls are awesome.
Good luck
Juliet

[Samantha B L]

Hi Clear, You're a very nice person for being so tolerant of the crossdressing. Your husband is very lucky. There are many wives and family members in most CD's households who would never accept it. I know this sounds brash but I think that if your husband wanted all this "bisexual" and "guys" and "swinger partys" kind of stuff he should have rented himself a bachelor apartment and never tried to be married and have kids. I'm sure that he is at heart a pretty nice guy and a good husband and I know from my own experience as a CD that you just can't quit crossdressing for longer than a few months at most! But I think if you just let him know that you're not going to put up with his outside lovers thing and that he should be loyal to the relationship. For one thing he's got a haven with you where he can crossdress and lot's of CD's would love to be in his heels. I could be wrong but I think if you let him know all this in no uncertain terms he'll comply. And I think your husband has sense enough not to dress in front of his 15 year old son.

[Lissa Stevens]

One big concern I see is if he does go out and explore, will he take proper precautions? By experimenting he runs the risk of an STD. I do not feel like he is being fair to you. He should not be looking for other sexual partners, unless you have NO problems with it, as long as you two are married. I am a lifelong crossdresser with TG issues. I have thought about exploring myself but I cannot do that to my wife. I have too much respect for her.

[Holly]

Hi Clear and first of all, :welcom:. I'm so glad you found us. As Sarah just said, I think you have set forward quite clearly what is acceptable behavior within your marriage while at the same time giving your husband great latitude in exploring his gender. You have every right to expect your partner to remain faithful to the vows he took when he accepted you as his wife. My wife would go ballistic if I suggested we start swinging and, quite honestly, I wouldn't blame her.

To paraphrase a bit, you do not object to the cross dressing in and of itself itself; it's what you see as a threat to your marriage (swinging, sex with other men/women, etc.) that is mainly responsible for your concerns. Am I understanding you correctly? Boundaries within a relationship are not only acceptable, they are necessary. Let me give you an example. My wife likes to cook. She can fix almost anything and I will eat it. BUT I hate brussel sprouts so I tell her, honey, you can fix most anything in the kitchen you like but I just can't stand it when you prepare brussel sprouts so please don't make them because I don't want to hurt your feelings by not eating them. Okay, maybe the example is a it lame, but the point is valid, The boundary is put in place to keep the relationship healthy. If my wife insisted on fixing brussel sprouts for every meal regardless of how I felt, it would hurt the relationship at some point.

Clear, I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a talk. Try and pick a time when the two of you can have uninterrupted discussion. What you have outlined in your original post as to what you find acceptable and not acceptable seems very reasonable. I hope the two of you can work this out.

Best wishes.

[Midnight Skye]

Two words for your husband. SLOW DOWN. It sounds like he's going way too fast down without giving you time to cope or catchup. Talk to him and tell him you're having a hard time absorbing everything so fast and as Sarah said, that you need to establish some boundaries which are fair for both of you. My wife and I negotiate things over a number of days usualy, trying to tackle one thing at a time. It leaves lots of other things in the air still, but it takes time getting used to it all.

[TG-Taru]

I'll just point out that discovering or revealing he is bi is no reason for him to go sleeping around, if you both didn't agree that to be a possibility to begin with (or later, but don't feel you have to). Don't give in more than what's fair. Being supportive doesn't mean he gets do do whatever. It's good to let him be what he is as much as posible and acceptable to you both, as long as you are together. But he must respect your relationship in what he does.

[boardpuppy]

Hi Clear,
Everyone wishes they had an understanding SO, and you are such. There are some limits that have to be set and adheared to. These are for your safety as well as your CDing SO (hers). In my case, I know the rules/boundries but I have been know to push them a little. In her case, she has gone way farther than just pushing and I agree counciling is in order/needed. She needs to get her head on straight and realize that family is forever.

Hugs,
Alice

[clear]

Hi,
Thanks for all you wonderfull replys and for being so kind x

I do have to say that his crossdressing is definatly assoiated with sex, what i mean is he does not want to get dressed up and do normal things listen to a bit of music whilst making tea or dinner or help with the house work/ play his guitar or even watch a movie with me {obviously when the kids are out}this would be much easier to handle. What is so difficult is that as soon as he is dressed he either wants sexual pleasure whether it be with me or pleasuring himself. We could proberly have a good laugh and be great friends as girlies if the sex was not an issue, and of course being dressed he does not nessersarly want a woman anyway, which gets my back up hence causing friction.

Thanks for the reminder about STD but to be honest i don't want to go to swingers partys and if he was to start i would seriously consider our marrage.
When i married i married for life better or worse and i intend to stick by it for as long as i can but i feel i am being pushed to my limit.

I shall talk to him about rules and also introduce him to this site and all you loverly people,

Thanks again X

[carolinebrookes]

Hello Clear,

My opinion?

I think your hubby is being a bit selfish here. It sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it!

Marriage is a serious business that has to be worked at and especially so with kids. Examples of behaviour and morals have to be set and your hubby sleeping around isn't going to do that.

He isn't being fair to you by asking to do this and the chances are that whether or not you agree to let him have his way or not, that he will do it anyway. You are already doing what most married cders would love to be allowed and that is understanding his desire to crossdress.

Sit down and discuss what you are happy with and what you are not. A full and frank open discussion should let you see how the land lays. If you are not happy with his answers, then see professional help to get through this.
You and the family unit are at risk if he does as he pleases.

[Michelle S]

Hi Clear. In your first post your mentioned drinking - his and yours - several times. I don't know the extent of the drinking, but problems of any type can become more difficult to resolve when there is a fair amount of drinking involved. My parents had a problem with arguing early in their marriage. When they cut out the glass of wine with dinner the arguing stopped. You and your husband may wish to reduce or stop drinking for a few months while you work the CD/bi issues out.

As for the CDing what others have already said about established clear mutually agreed to boundaries is the best advise you can get. This link to Tri-Ess may be of help:

http://www.tri-ess.org/Wives_CDs_BofR.html

You may wish to also talk about what to do if your kids do find out.

[docrobbysherry]

My wife seemed to "change" after our child was born. We had been together for about 7 years at that point.

First, she said she needed her own PRIVATE time, away from the family! She started going out with "the girls". Later, I found out it was private time with one PARTICULAR GIRL! :sad:

When I questioned her about it, she said, " I told u before we were married that I was with a woman in school". I responded, " U said, "--experimented with a woman in school". She responded, " Well, I was telling u then, that I was bi"! HUH?:eek:

We separated soon after, and eventually divorced. She came out as being, "gay". And has had 2 serious gay relationships in the last 10 years, since our divorce.:brolleyes:

Clear, I DO hope your SO hasn't decided he prefers men over women. As my ex did, in reverse! If so, your marriage may be in DEEP YOGART!:thumbsdn:

[Bridged]

Hi Clear and welcome. :love:

I think I would just like to echo what the others have said so far especially TG Taru when she said that being bi is no reason to sleep around!!

I'm running out the door right now, so maybe more later.....You seem like a great person who has really been a supportive wife...don't lose yourself bending over backwards for someone else....even your husband. In the end neither of you will be happy if only one person's needs are met.

Bridged

[Sally2005]

I would say I agree with your first paragraph for the CDing part, but the bi-secual part is something else not really related to CDing. CDing is the act of wearing clothing, it is not about sexual orientation. Most CDers fit the statistical norms of the rest of the population, ie: most CDers are still attracted to women even when they are dressed. I think you are best to deal with the two items separately. ...but, the CDing is harmless and can actually be fun if you embrace it.

[suchacutie]

Welcome, Clear!

This is not a CDing issue. This is a interpersonal issue being masked by CDing. I'm not a professional in this area so I would suggest strongly that it may take professional help to sort of all of the bends and twists that have been brought to your marriage. Once those are sorted out, I expect that everything else will be much better in perspective.

my best wishes,

tina

[macada10]

there are many things that are being "hidden" under the word crossdressing that do not apply

Crossdressing and bixesualism are different things like comparing a horse with a bus......both are use as transport but they are absolutely not the same thing.....

[DonnaT]

I've come across a number of "Bi" CDs online in the various forums. Many of whom are not the least bit attracted to men unless they are in their fem mode.

Prior to learning that, I was of the opinion that Bi was Bi, and that the dressing was an excuse for Bi sex.

However, knowing the large variations in types of transgender personalities that exist, nothing seems impossible with respect to how our brains are wired.

It's a common suggestion that the our sexual orientation is separate and distinct from our gender identity. Seems that for many, this is true, or at least appears true. But for many, they seem to be closely linked. I reckon there are no absolutes in this world. As many of us have concluded, our brains a wired in many mysterious ways.

I believe bisexuality is probably on a scale, much like being transgender is on a scale.

Accordingly, somewhere along that bisexual scale, one can be romatically attracted to one sex and sexually attracted to another sex.

And like our gender identity, sexual orientation is something one is born with.

But, I also believe that marriage is a monogamous relationship. I've no problem if a couple chooses not to be monogamous, however.


So [on] what i would call a bad night and i guess he would call a great night, he will dress up to the nines and i will be woken from sleep by him talking dirty about other men and how he wants to give and take sex with men.

He says i am a prude and maybe i am but i would find the crossdressing much easier to bare it he told me that he only fancied woman, and loved me. But although he says he loves me he would like us to start attending swingers type partys, this i am not happy about.

You are not being a prude. You are being who you were born to be. If not interested in swinging or extramarital sex, that's your right. It's also your right, as a wife, to expect him to remain faithful to you, and forsake all others.


I have said that he can do any crossdressing and bi behaviour that he likes but away from the house, as we do have a 15 year old son and i do not want him to see his dad this way, maybe join some clubs where he can experiment and find himself.
I hope, if he accepts your boundary, it will not hurt your marriage. I would suggest that you make an amendment to it, however. That being, him stopping if asked, if it starts to ruin your marriage.

Also, ask him not to get drunk before partaking in such an adventure. He'll need to be fully aware and alert for any dangers. Plus you don't want him on the roads, drunk. Especially while cross dressed. He might not like what could happen if he ended up in the drunk tank while dressed enfemme.

Good luck, and welcome to the forum.

[Karren H]

Set down and talk it over with him.. Then set some limits that you are comfortable with and tell him if he exceeds the limits then you and the kids are out of there!!! Its your life and your family should come first, in my humble opinion. If he doesn't see it that way... Then there's a big problem..

[clear]

Thank you all so much for your time in replying to me x

I have chatted to him already and we are going to set aside a night aweek as girly time, although he does say that he finds the whole thing highly sexual and would like to have interaction at the end of the night. Not bi talk though, and i have also agreed to give him more time to himself so he can experiment alone and not feel pressurized to speed it all up.

Shall keep in touch and thanks, you have all been a geat help, everyone of you with your different opinions. x

[Brock]

If you are going to introduce your husband to this website it may be advisable to delete your temporary files and cookies related to this site. If he finds out you've been asking for advise maybe that wont go down too well? But then if you need to hide it from him thats no better.. If you want to clear your PC of any traces post in here and i'll tell you how :)

Good luck :)

[charlie]

Hello Clear!
Wow, what a lot you are putting up with! Crossdressing is one thing....being bisexual and breaking your marriage vows and subjecting you to other partners possible diseases is quite something else. You must really love this guy or you would never being opening your feelings to all of this. I'm glad you found this forum and hope you get some answers that give you food for thought. I also hope you will continue to visit us here and tell us the female side (GG) of what we do and how you perceive it.

[Toni_Lynn]

Hello Clear

Don't stand for his shenanigans. I see soooooo many problems here. First is drinking. Granted having a drink is not bad, but you use the term drunk. This is not a good thing. It indicates a loss of control, and I don't think that any one should tolerate a person who get drunk regularly. The second is him being bi. Not if he's married to you -- he better not be acting on those urges! Marriage is a sacred vow that involves forsaking all others, something he sounds unwilling to do. The same goes for the swingers bit.

Sorry -- but you are being used. Its time to say adios

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[Dressing Jill]

Hi Clear

I've read the post and I agree with them..

One thing Is the Alcohol and Sex both are an addiction and very powerful ones by themselves alone when mixed are double trouble. If he is drinking to get to this place then that is a real problem.

Whatever the problem may be he needs serious professional help. It is not a criminal matter but needs to be addressed.

You could get a disease that can not be cured. It is so sad that a child is involved whether he knows or not. The secrets and sneaky around is something he sees and probably feels. He may need some support also with kids his own age.

Best wishes

Jill

[MsJanessa]

there is a big difference between CDing and CDing and having sex with guys--and I don't have a problem with either one---I'm bisexual myself--but the fact that he wants to bring other men into your relationship would cause a problem for most wives--

you need to sit down and have a talk with him when he is sober(and yes it would seem he has a drinking problem too---only likes to dress and have sex with guys when he's "drunk" is a clear warning that booze is a problem) and set things straight--no pun intended---

if he tells you that the CDing AND the sex with guys is what he has to have, then you have to make a decision whether to tolerate it or leave---most would leave, some would stay--my sense is that you don't have a significant problem with the CDing its the sexual misbehavior that bothers you(understandable) and btw while you are having a frank discussion you might address his drinking habits---full grown adults don't get drunk on a regular basis unless there is a problem.

[Carola]

Hi honey:

Boundaries are ok, but why do you need them in your relationship? Just because..?
No. They are placed because some things hurts us. For some people swinging is ok, but as you have said before not for you. The love that you have for your husband (and i suppose that he loves you back) doesn't mean that you must do anything for him; if he loves you too, he must respect your desires, the same way that you are respecting him of cding. That's why you need to put those boundaries. If you accept what he wants to do, you must cope with the consequences and keep your marriage like that and not critizice your husband for his behaviour, can you do that? It's u to you. Good luck.