Ashamed

[simoneisatg]

Yesterday I was caught by my wife.

Not that she doesn't know - she's known for a year, after finding this site on the computer. We talked openly about it then, and occasionally since. She's happy for me to do what makes me happy, but doesn't want to share. Since then, we don't talk much about Simone, and she has never seen her.

Not that she saw me - she came home unexpectedly. I thought she was going out for an hour. I haven't dressed for such a long time, I thought, 10 minutes would be good, just to feel pretty for a while. I waited the obligatory 5 minutes to make sure she hadn't forgotten her phone, or something. I got dressed up and the next thing I know, the car is pulling up outside. Flat panic. She didn't see me, but I was breathless when we came face to face. I thought for a while she might have missed it, but later said she was sorry she'd surprised me earlier.

She seems okay. I'm not.

It has resurfaced the self loathing and worthlessness I experienced in the months after our last "discovery". I promised her that she would never have to see me. Now she's sure I scurry around when she's not at home, doing my "dirty deeds". I feel horrible and dirty and ashamed. And her surprisingly calm acceptance seems to make it all the worse.

I hate the hiding and the secrecy - but I'm too embarrassed to give it any other expression.

[GaleWarning]

Simone, you are who you are. Nothing is going to change that.
How are you going to reach the final stage of self-acceptance?
I'm not really sure, but all I can offer at the moment is an assurance that most of us on this forum were once where you are now.
And there is no need for you to feel as you presently do.
There is absolutely no need to loathe yourself.
You ARE worthy.
:)

[NathalieX66]

I would assume the "hiding" the secret is what you feel ashamed about, not the actual CDing' . If she seems ok with it, I would try to get a reassurance that things aren't gonna go bad because of that part. the best thing do is let her know that there aren't any "other" secrets you are hiding before she starts drawing conclusions and beciming suspicious of anything else....thus the lack of trust. Make your life simple as possible and get all the skeletons out of the closet, and call it a day. Hopefully that'll put her mind at rest. Some women are freaked out by crossdressers, others are not. And a few I know personally seemed to be entertained by cd's. Most cd'ers go way back, so I would assume you are hiding nothing. If not, who cares??! As long as you love your wife and you are intereted in keeping the marriage, then plan for the future and figure how you're going to live it out from there. At that point you've done your part.
None of us are perfect. Personally, I think being eccentric is way more fun than trying to be perfect in the minds of others.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

...I hate the hiding and the secrecy - but I'm too embarrassed to give it any other expression.

I'm sorry, Simone. I've been there myself - feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and also filled with self-hatred.

Do you know why you're ashamed and embarrassed? It took me a long time to figure out for myself, but it was all centered around the social stigma for me (that and being taught it was wrong when I was young). Once I came to terms with myself I realized that I'm not the one with any problem - society is.

I bet if there was no social stigma attached to cding, you'd feel just fine. Your wife may still not want to see you cding, but not every woman will enjoy this kind of thing. PLENTY of women do enjoy it though! :)

I love who I am now. I embrace my feminine side. There really is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope you start to realize that as well. I honestly take pride in myself much more because of my feminine side.

What would it take for you to love your feminine side, too? If you were granted one magic wish, what would you wish to change? Would you stop being a cd? Would you change how society views cd's? Would you change how your wife feels about it? Would you just grant yourself some self-esteem?

What goal would you like to reach in your life, in terms of your cding?

[linnea]

I have and do feel some of these feelings, but I don't really go to the self-loathing.
It sounds as if you have the basis for a more open talk with your wife about your feelings--and hers--in order to reach some kind of understanding.

[sissystephanie]

What do you have to be ashamed of? Your wife knows you crossdress, and both of you know that sooner or later she is going to see you dressed! So what? She knows, and knows that it makes you happy to do so! Seeing you dressed is not going to change anything!

What you need to do is sit down with her, and explain to her why you like to dress and when you do it. Tell her that when she has gone out and comes home earlier then you expected, she may see you in feminine clothing! But be very sure to let her know that no matter what clothing you have on, you are still her MAN underneath! After all, she married a man, not a woman!

You are who you are. and you should be proud of it, not ashamed or self loathing!

:hugs::hugs:

[LisaM]

Simone,

I agree with Linnea. I think this is a good time to continue communicating with your spouse. My SO knows that I am TS and she is able to live with it because I have told her that I will tell her everything, I will not hide from her, and I won't transition. We have a very good relationship and it is based on trust--and BTW, I have spent the last 10 years earning it back because it took so long to tell her.

I have no feelings of guilt, self-loathing or worthlessness because I have come to know who i really am and I have let my spouse know the same thing. We have worked at this thing together and we have agreed that we need to continue to work at it going forward.

[gillian1968]

Hi Simone,

I'm sorry you feel this way, and hope you feel better soon.

Does your wife know the extend of your self-loathing about this? If she's happy for you to do what makes you happy, she may be concerned and be a source of support to help you get beyond the self-loathing. This could even strengthen your relationship with her. You'll have to gauge whether this is a good idea for your situation.

I agree with what others have said above, you should try and understand why you feel this way. Whether sharing more with your wife helps you through this, or a little more introspection or even discussion here does, I do hope you get through it soon.

-Gillian

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Dear Simone-

<First of all...big hug.> I can tell you're in pain, girl, that is so apparent, but do you know what? This is self-inflicted pain, you can make it go away anytime you want, you just need to stop beating yourself up over something that is essentially harmless to everyone involved. It doesn't hurt you, in fact it makes you feel good about yourself to be who you really are, it doesn't appear to hurt your wife who already knows and has said she is basically okay with it, so the only one making it an issue and causing you pain is...you.

Believe me, I understand how you feel and I'm sure nearly everyone here does, too. I spent nearly all of my adolescent years and almost all of my adult life sneaking around and hiding and denying. And yeah, I got caught, several times, my parents found my stash of undies on several occsions and I got lectures and punishment and I felt guilty and ashamed of myself, just like I was supposed to feel, only it didn't do any good because it's who I am, just like it's who you are and who all of us who are TG are.

Fortunately for me, I'm married to a lovely and understanding woman. She knew about it before we got married and...oddly enough...it was from finding my stash of lingerie. So we sat down and talked and she accepted it as a bit of bedroom kinkiness until about 6 or 7 years ago when I finally, after so many, many years, came out to her about the true depth of my feelings, feelings I had never truly admitted even to myself. We have had our ups and downs with it but we are still together and will be celebrating our 26th this November.

Simone, dear, please forgive me for rattling on, all I can say is stop beating yourself up, the pain just isn't worth it. And give your wife some credit and the chance to show how accepting she can be. Just be honest, completely honest both to yourself and to her and go at her pace and don't force things. BTW, there are lots of resources for SO's, here, on other sites and in print as well as online. Best of luck to you both.

Hugs...Joni Marie

[charlie]

Don't be ashamed! I really believe that you can't stop this. I can't. If you can make an agreement that she will call on the phone when she is coming home early, perhaps it would not happen again.

[Karren H]

The hiding is refretable but don't be ashanmed of what you love to do... I got over that decades ago and now crossdressing is fun!! As it should be!!

[Miranda09]

Hi Simone. As others have said here, do not be ashamed. You're not doing anything but the hobby you love. Your wife appears accepting even tho she doesn't want to participate, so relax. Just look at this as one of those hobbies that husbands have that their SO's just aren't interested in sharing. Of course I coming from the position of not having to face this, but, there's my 2cents worth. :):2c:

[TJ Tresa]

Simone, honey, I suggest that you talk to her, (since she seems to be fine with but don't want to take part or see that side,) and the two of work out a time when she knows taht you are going to dress. Just some private time for you. Hope it works out Hugs, TJ Tresa.

[docrobbysherry]

I have and do feel some of these feelings, but I don't really go to the self-loathing.
It sounds as if you have the basis for a more open talk with your wife about your feelings--and hers--in order to reach some kind of understanding.

I agree entirely with Linnea. Altho I have NO SO, I STILL feel guilt because I dress!:doh:

The ONLY way u will feel better about yourself, is if u work out an arrangement with your SO! :Angry3:
U STILL will have to deal with self guilt, but if can make peace with her, get her to accept a compromise arrangement, you'll feel MUCH better about whatever CDing u r allowed to do!:brolleyes:

[Shelly67]

I read your post with familiar old feelings resurfacing . We all have our situations........
There was however one line in the thread that stood out to me .
Youre wife apologised for interupting you . She is accepting you need time to be you , and I think you need to talk about it rather than have panicky moments leaving you in angst and guilt.

Don,t let atmospheres into your lifestyles it won't be fair on either of you .She will pick up on it and worry .Perhaps have a heart to heart , try to gain common ground if you can .Tell her how you feel . I,m sure one way or the other , if your partner is this considerate she may help you come to terms with any emotional problems you may have .
Good luck x

[Joanne f]

Going from the joy of putting something on and making you feel good to having to take it all off as quick as you can because you know you are just about to be caught mess`s about with your emotions and it usually makes you feel guilty and bad tempered and a SO can pick up on that straight away, they know something has been going on and it makes them uncomfortable, so all in all it is not a good position to be in .
I know it has been said many times before but talking to each other is the only way to sort it out .

[CharlotteW]

Ahh social stigma, shame, self-loathing...those old nuggets, I remember them well. I also remember making the decision to get over it, there were so many factors involved.

Do I need to go on?

[Fab Karen]

You said she has calm acceptance. So it is YOU that is causing yourself anguish. As others are saying, have a little talk about it, tell her it's fine if she doesn't want to see it, but if she comes home unexpected she might run across your femme self, there's no reason for you to have a heart attack because you promised that she'll "never EVER" see it. Maybe she can give you a call if she needs to return unexpected.
There's a saying: FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

[Sandra]

Don't feel ashamed :hugs:

Talk to your wife about how it makes you feel, as she probably has no idea. Someone suggested that she perhaps calls when she's coming home or going to be early, so asks her if should would do this and seeing as she "apologised for interupting you " she had an idea of what you were doing so ask her.

[Sheila]

hun, I think you are probabley beating yourself up a tad too much, you wife knows, accepts that oyu CD and at the moment os not willing to see oyu dressed ..... i don't think she will think you CD everytime you are alone, can't know but don't think she will.

Try not to feel ashamed (easier said than done I know:sad:)

As others have suggested maybe ask her if she will call if she is coming home unexpecedly, or maybe you could say to her that you are going to dress while she is gone and if she could call before she came home then neither of you will be caused embaressment or anguish like has just happened .. just my :2c: ...... be kind to yourself hun .......... obviously your wife is okay with your CDing just not ready to see it YET

[Tina B.]

Simone, you are a good person, you did not want to expose your self dressed as you know your wife doesn't want to see you dressed, so lighting up a little on yourself. Find a way to let her know you are going to take a little "time to yourself" while she is out, then she let you know when she plans to be back, or call when she starts your way. The following day stop and pick up some flowers to show your appreciation, after a while she just might see that you get more time than you need. LOL

Tina

[5150 Girl]

Well,, I to would echo the "call if you're going to be early" thoughts... Also I agree that it's the getting caught your're having trouble with, not the CDing.

Now, I would sugjest that if your'er planning some Simone time, say to her, "ya know honey, I havn't had any Simone time lately, and I may like to do that while you're out"

Also, I know she said she don't wanna participate, but I wonder if you gave her a pic of Simone, just so she would know waht to expect if she should walk in you one day. And who knows, after a pic, she may decide it's not that bad after all

[battybattybats]

Your feellings of shame have a source. A usually clearly identifiable one. As you have grown up you have unconciously come to believe and have absorbed the unjust negative attitudes towards transgender expression in current society.

It's called Internalised Transphobia, a form of Internalised Oppression, and just about every one of us will experience it to some degree. Just like many groups that suffer from racism in society suffer internalised racism and there are more examples.

Some few can shrug some or all of it off from sheer force of will or stubbornness and some fewer still manage never to absorb it in the first place.

For the rest of us by understanding it and talking about it we can learn the ways other groups have overcome their internalised oppression.

by following steps like these http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106759
by exploring and understanding transgender cultures in their many varients and coming to see them as they really are you will be able to replace your unconcious itrrational negativity towards it, the source of guilt and shame and the like, and to feel much better about being a CD, being proud in fact of being a CD and at the same time making real positive change for yourself and your community.

It works just like CBT therapy does on anxiety and depression. Challenging the false irrational beliefs taken up by the unconcious with rational evidence-based and activity-based ones the unconcious grows to accept the truth instead of the destructive view. Resulting in healing.

And as more of us heal then we can help heal others and to oppose and heal the external transphobia. Resulting in better mental health for us, for the next generation, less suicides, less risk of harm and discrimination and more acceptance in society.