Unsatisfactory Solutions

[FionaAlexis]

Following on from Tristen's thread, this is a piece I wrote over a year ago...

The question is often asked are ‘where do the post ops go?’ and ‘why aren’t they around sites like these and others’. My theory is simple that support groups and tranny sites in general no longer have any relevance to them. Maybe that's my hope rather than theory.

Hopefully they are no longer totally preoccupied with the obsession of gender, the confusion and the duality of their lives. They’ve jumped through to the other side and getting on with life.

At the times when I have been most disenchanted with my life and being TG, I consider the whole preoccupation with gender very wasteful. Here I am - perfectly healthy, perfectly sane? perfectly capable of adjusting to living as a male. Not totally happily but not unhappily either. How could I have possibly spent so much time and energy over something that most people don’t even think about in the course of the average day. My teenage daughter doesn’t wake up each morning and think about what gender she is – she just is. It would never cross her mind.

I can understand the pressures to be ‘out’ – I’ve been ‘out’ and ‘in’ and I can say I was no more fully satisfied with my life when I was ‘out’ than when I was ‘in’. Now that's probably not true of everyone. But I am sometimes bemused by the peer pressure on closet TGs to be ‘out’ as if it is some ‘one size fits all’ solution to their problem. There is no doubt that for a long time it added a new dimension to my life but, after a while, I discovered that the absolute best I could hope for was to be a good TG among good or better TGs – but still a TG. For many I suppose that is what they want, to accept themselves - right there - happily living in gender limbo. But no matter how ‘out’ I was - the obsession with gender did not lessen if anything it became stronger and more confusing. In fact I think the clarity of MY true gender was far better when I was ‘in’ because there was only one simple truth and I believed I was female – being ‘out’ I saw an array of ‘genders’ and lives.

But whether you are in the closet, with other trannies in the club or out in the real world – you are either stuck in gender limbo….or reveling in your gender individuality depending on your outlook on life and your ability to enjoy being different. Y’know - dysphoria vs euphoria. For me I was stuck and I wanted a life free from this obsession – and so I quit.

And whether I was in the closet, in the tranny club or in the real world – they were just different degrees of the same unsatisfactory solution. I got an email from a TS who said she would rather live in a cardboard box on the road as ‘S’ [her new name] than continue to live as ‘I’ [her former male name]. To me the ‘S’ route was almost as unsatisfactory a solution as the ‘I’ route particularly since being destitute was a far greater fear for me than remaining male.

Having said that it does not prevent my obsession and the regret of not transitioning….but I think for me the only satisfactory solution was to be reborn.

And, of course, quitting is no solution either....otherwise I wouldn't be here.

Fiona xx

[Tristen Cox]

Hmm, I have wondered myself why those who may have transitioned completely no longer bother with places like this. Almost as if they slip beyond the curtain into another world, perhaps denial that the old life ever existed. Can't say I blame them. And no I will not be pressured by those that are out and about to go finding discomfort by peer pressure to be out myself when I know I am not ready and would not be happy. The moment I stopped thinking about what if, and started thinking this is fine where I am, a great deal of anxiety was lifted. I may go out, I most likely will never bother taking another step toward transitioning physically. But I will have happiness within me, and no one in this world can take that away. No matter what you think of me in my drab life, which has been a big mistake anyway being I never fit that picture, no matter what anyone says about me or the misconceptions they get through their opinions, I am free inside and I love my inner self. And inside I can smile in the face of any problem, laugh at any torment, chuckle at any absurdity. Within - I am happy. Gender issues can be fustrating yes. But I know now those downs pass with the tide and new winds blow in glistening currents of which fill my heart with joy.

Geez I do go on don't I :p

[jo_ann]

it's similar to those who are fat, get gastric bypass, then suddenly they don't need to hang out with fat people anymore, and become very vane as they make new "skinny friends"

[Olivia]

Damn, Tristen, that was so well said! It's exactly how I "try" to feel about my life. The biggest issues we crossdressers have to deal with are really within our minds. The physical efforts we make and the results we achieve are fleeting victories. The "war" we wage within ourselves is where the casualities mount up. And, Fiona, your piece is so well-written and thoughtful! Thanks for posting that too. Olivia

[Rachel_740]

Hi Girls,

I'm planning on staying here post-op :) .

Anne

[Jonien]

Me to if was't for this forum I would not have future I was getting close to saying good by world I was so alone, this place is sanchuary my life is thanks to this place and my future

[Mandy Salamander]

Hi Girls,

I'm planning on staying here post-op :) .

Anne
me too!!! if I'm medically cleared, I plan on taking another shot at transitioning, maybe as early as next year! will be leaving a lot of things behind but the support and friendship of other Transgenders will certainly not be one of them!!, besides is a real hoot reading posts after few glasses of ArborMist late at night!!!

[Ashley in Virginia]

I have found, it is far easier to get support than to give it....

I liken it to Winnie the Pooh. Christopher Robin had lots of fears and uncertainties until he grew up. Eventually he didn't need Pooh anymore....

[Julie]

Those who transition and stop particapating in forums like this or groups or whatever, no longer need to. They had a problem and they faced it and they eliminated it. They are people who participated because it helped them deal with the problem and maybe their participation helped them face the problem and gave them the courage to do something about it. Now that chapter is closed and a new chapter begins. I stopped going to therapy because I wasn't getting anything out of it. Maybe it's the same for them.

I went to a couple of TS support meetings. My then therapist started the group and suggested I go. She then told me most of the group members who completed their transition stopped attending the meetings and how unfortunate that was because that's who the group needed the most.

I see it as they are getting on with their lives and living and enjoying the life they probably had been dreaming about ever since they could remember.

As for me, I come here for two reasons, to help and to get help. I get stuff off my chest and feel the support of other members and read what they wrote and that helps me. But I also enjoy helping others. I find it very comforting knowing I helped someone. For that reason, I imagine I would stay involved if I transitioned. You have to give something back.

[DonnaT]

Hi Fiona, nice to see you here. :wave:

For some, staying or leaving is a matter of how much friendship they've built up with other members on the site. A couple of forums continue to have post-op TSs onboard. Especially if she is good at providing support.

Sometimes, however, some of the other T-girls, for example some not transitioning fully, can be jealous and make cutting remarks that the post-op woman no longer needs to put up with.

[Sweet Jeanette]

Apparently someone here was not satisfied with a post I made some time ago. Well, what can I say?----Since I do not remember the post, and since I see NO evidence of it here,---again I say; ---What can I SAY?---Apparently They , were insulted too, by the post!-----I have no earthly idea of what they were talking about!----So it goes!!!----Since they gave no explaination of what the post was, or why they were insulted by it, I cannot say anything but,-------Tough!-------I SURE don't remember it! :rolleyes:

[Stephenie]

Jonien and Mandy, I am so glad that you found this place. I to feel that with out the friendship and love shown here that my life would be less. I never thought that there were people that could care about me and show concern about what I am going though in life that I had never met in person. When I joined here it was like coming home from a long journy and finding my friends and family all at the kitchen table waiting for me.
]
These Girls are the greatest bunch of gals I have ever met.

[michellej]

Sorry, don't intend to hijack this thread, but.... Stephenies post needed a reply.



Jonien and Mandy, I am so glad that you found this place. I to feel that with out the friendship and love shown here that my life would be less. I never thought that there were people that could care about me and show concern about what I am going though in life that I had never met in person. When I joined here it was like coming home from a long journy and finding my friends and family all at the kitchen table waiting for me.
]
These Girls are the greatest bunch of gals I have ever met.

Stephenie,
I'm so glad you're here. I have watched the change in your posts since I joined this place. When I first read your posts, my feeling was one of deep sorrow and concern for you. It has been a great pleasure to watch your posts change over time. You are now so much lighter in tone. It seems your life is now worth living. The change in your posts is so much for the better. There are now even glimpses of a good sense of humor that is so nice to see. Way to go! I'm glad to be here as well, this place is a joy. I get so much from reading all the posts, both the serious ones and the funny ones. I may not post as much as others, but I do read everything here.

[Elysia]

There are many different paths and bless anyone who’s found one that makes them happy. I for one could not find myself by simply switching from one gender to another. I have come to believe that the gender norms that are encouraged by our mass culture are ridiculously and unnaturally polarized. For me, to simply switch genders would just be going from one extreme to another and since doing so would disrupt many positive things in my life, it would make no sense.

It can’t be about body type anyway. I may fantasize about being the object of my desire—it’s quite intoxicating to imagine oneself with the alluring power of a beautiful young woman—but I can’t be a young women, I’m no longer a young man. I don’t fantasize about being a forty year old woman. Don’t get me wrong, I find many forty year old women very attractive and I find their extended company is generally better than that of their twenty year old counterparts, but if I were a forty year old woman, I’d want to be a twenty year old one and if I were a twenty year old one, I want to be a prettier twenty year old one and so on. There’s no satisfaction in going down that road.

For me this is about the right to have and express certain thoughts and exhibit certain behaviors. I like to think that we are disposition pioneers, foraging, against the mainstream current, a new way, a blend which is the best of both gender characteristics. I mean, let’s face it; we don’t need to form hunting parties or fight off raiding hordes with swords and arrows anymore. The conditions that led to our existing gender roles are fading away, and good riddance to them.

Let’s embody the best of both female and male traits. Why not enjoy pretty clothes, lace, silk, and flowers? Why not enjoy being kind and compassionate and nurturing? Why not emulate what we admire? The world is in no danger of running out of macho brutality.

As for support, maybe when the rest of society catches up with us we will no longer need the internet to find like minded people. Our neighbors will no long think of us as strange and we won’t fear being ridiculed. Then we will return just for nostalgia and to catch up with friends we made along the way. Of course, no matter how enlighten general society gets there will always be new frontiers and I’m guessing some of us will always be foraging through them. Ah well, total contentment is probably not all it’s cracked up to be anyway.

[Mitzi]

Getting back to the original thread, why many TS's no longer involve themselves in the TG world... One reason is the desire to "pass". The person doesn't want others to know about his/her former self, and therefore avoids any association with that past life.

An obvious parallel is the light skinned "negro" who "passes". (I use the outdated term "negro", since "black" or "African American" somehow doesn't seem appropriate in this context.)

Mitzi

[Tristen Cox]

I prefer dark skinned people, it just sounds better. Not everyone is in America how. And out of all the dark skinned friends I've had(grew up with them) I never meet more than one who had relatives in Africa of direct relation. When I asked where they were from they said Miami:D Oh yeah what was the topic again? ;)

[FionaAlexis]

There are many different paths and bless anyone who’s found one that makes them happy.......

..........For me this is about the right to have and express certain thoughts and exhibit certain behaviors. I like to think that we are disposition pioneers, foraging, against the mainstream current, a new way, a blend which is the best of both gender characteristics. I mean, let’s face it; we don’t need to form hunting parties or fight off raiding hordes with swords and arrows anymore. The conditions that led to our existing gender roles are fading away, and good riddance to them.



Thank you for your thoughtful response, Elysia. It just reinforces what I now know - that the gender spectrum/continuum is very complex and even though we may believe there is a high level of commonality in our 'condition' - everyone has different aspirations. But I do agree - God bless all those who've found a path that works for them.

For me, I do not feel I am a gender pioneer at the vanguard of breaking down gender roles and stereotypes. Nor do I wish to be. In fact I might be quite the opposite inasmuch as I am very happy to perpetuate the gender divide. I like well defined gender roles - and I like that well defined stereotypical female gender role. I would be very uncomfortable as an androgyne. I am not a msaculine male who admires femininity so much that he wishes to emulate it. I am rather transgendered - who felt more comfortable and less disoriented as a female, however I think with the passage of time and the internalisation of male behaviour I am now just disoriented.

I do appreciate that gender roles are changing to a large degree though I think the hunting parties and raiding hordes have been replaced by other equally macho but less violent pursuits. But that aside when I go out dressed I feel I am attempting to be a retro-woman at the ultra feminine end of the female scale....lost in a 50s/60s housewife timewarp....and not at all a modern post-feminist woman. And I don't think I'm alone in this..

Fiona xx

[Mitzi]

I prefer dark skinned people, it just sounds better.

Hmmm...guess I should have phrased it: "An obvious parallel is the light skinned dark skinned person who "passes"." :)

Sorry, don't mean to make light of the rather philosophical turn this thread has evolved into.

Mitzi