Compelled to confide

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I find that I sometimes want to confide in some of my GG friends (other than my spouse who already knows about JoAnne) who and what I am and what I
have gone through (the secrecy about crossdressing) and the angst from not being able to be open with others - (my spouse lives in horror that someone will find out that I am a crossdresser and her world will shadder) - I have several close GG friends who I seem to be compelled to confide in - but of course I also realize that once you confide with someone, YOU ARE OUT !

What would you advise ? Has anyone else felt this way ?

JoAnne Wheeler

[Joanne f]

We call that playing away here, are you sure that you do not have others things on your mind.

[Tasha McIntyre]

JoAnne, I so totally relate to this. My wife is the only one who knows and that is likely to remain the case, at least in the short / medium term anyway.

I have toyed with the idea of coming out to a few friends (male and female). I never end up saying anything, because once you're out, theres no going back in. I tend to think "what could go wrong here?" and I think of the possibilities, bad reactions etc.

My advice - only out yourself if you can handle the world knowing. Remember, your wife will have to deal with this as well.......my wife is also terrified of me outting myself.

Good luck

Tash

[Karren H]

My golden rule is.. "Never do anything to embarase my wife"!! I've bben temped to confide un female friends but the golden rule always applys!!

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

...What would you advise ? Has anyone else felt this way ?

I've pondered the idea of sharing with people I know as well. I find myself testing the water at times, by seeing how open minded people are to various things that I can work into the conversation. Always stopped short of telling anyone though. No need to risk upsetting the balance in my life (or risk loosing my job).

Once you tell someone, it's out of your hands. Even a close friend may let it slip accidentally and then it goes even farther.

Unless you're really comfortable being out (as in out beyond whoever you tell), you might just be best keeping it to yourself. I think you need to be ok with the idea others finding out before you begin to tell people. If you feel there is a low risk of undesirable consequences, than maybe you're fine sharing.

The secrecy of living like this isn't easy at times, but it can be necessary depending on one's life situation. You've always got us to chat with. :) We understand what it's like.

[Sarah...]

In reality you are not "compelled" to confide in anyone. You may feel you desperately want to but that's not the same as being compelled to.

You need to understand what is gained by confiding, why you should or should not do so and whether or not you can cope with the resultant fallout. Once you know all these things and have discussed and agreed a course of action with your wife then you'll be in a position to make some changes.

Sarah..

[geri-tg.]

I have a sister and a very close GG friend that I want to show a picture of myself dressed. I am not sure how long before I do but I do know I have come very close.:o

[Sally2005]

The only time I would do it is in the context of a party. I don't think I would admit to a friend unless I was planning on being 100% out to the world. Yes, I have bumped in to some real 'cool' woman who I think I could tell and who would enjoy it (and you almost feel like just blurting it out for some reason), but I owe it to my wife to make her the first confident and I have to think about the impact doing that could have.

[Melissa Anne]

My wife is also the only person that knows about me. We have discussed telling my mother and I have even thought about telling my sister. But, we both see no real reason to do so. What purpose would it really serve? I agree with the comments that once you tell, you can never take it back, and once you tell, you should be prepared for everyone to know about you. Are you prepared for that? My wife also loves the fact that this is our little "secret" that is something special between just us. For now we both want to keep it that way.

[mklinden2010]

JoAnn,

You are who you are and you do what you do - just get on with it.

Besides, you can't control who people think you are, even if you aren't...

Try being black, Catholic, Jewish, too short, too tall, too rich, too poor, American Indian, a fan of "that other" football team, a womanizer, a saint. People have opinions about and objections to, it seems, nearly everything. Big deal.

If I notice anything about the majority of my fellow CDers, it's that they think the world will end if anyone finds about about them. Your situation may change (or, not) but the world will not end; life will go on. Dust always settles.

Thing is, most people know CDing goes on "somewhere" and they quickly get used to it, get over it, and go back to whatever they were doing before this news about you hit the fan.

"Oh, yeah. He does that. Or, er, she does that. Well, you know... She's just one of those guys.. Girls... Uhhh... Hey, sure keeps the yard nice though, huh?"

I get it that you want to free up some space in your life just to be you.

Fine.

Be prepared to be the best "you" you can be and live your life.

As to the wife... Well, gee, thing is... Who's living the lie?

She knows and has known. She stayed.

Maybe for some good reasons... Love and/or money are NOT bad reasons to do a lot of things.

Give her some control, "Honey, tell them I'm an idiot, "the" idiot, but that I'm YOUR idiot."

Other people don't live your lives and should not be directing them.

Live free.

[Sheila]

JoAnne ................... if you push the boat on this one you may well find yourself back here telling us of the breakup of your marriage:sad: you willing to risk that?

[Sandra]

Well if you were my SO and did this, I wouldn't be too pleased about it.


No matter how hard, instead of talking to other GGs you should be talking to your wife and trying to help her to understand more.

[MissConstrued]

As one who's out to everyone, including people I really rather would not have known, I can quite safely say it's not the end of the world.

Mobs of villagers with pitchforks and torches have, as of yet, failed to materialize at my doorstep.

It's like the old line about buying crap we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like. Chances are, the folks you know who truly impress you; the ones you truly respect; are the ones who live their own lives, and don't give two shits what anyone thinks of them.

[Deborah Jane]

Once you tell someone, you can't "untell" them!!
Is there actually anything to be gained for yourself by telling people unnecessarily Joanne?

The outcome could be that your wife feels compromised by what you do, and like Sheila says..
You'll be back here telling us about the breakup of your marriage.

Remember....Once you tell someone, there's no going back

[Kate Simmons]

Sometimes the "cat" is better left in the bag and the "bag" better left in stealth mode. The way I handle all of my sensitive information is on a "need to know" basis.

[Franki Kate]

JoAnne, I have shared with some folks. One was a sister-in-law that lives nearby. She has, on occassion, helped my wife with cleaning the house. I took her aside, when she began her cleaing duties and explained that she might see some things in one part of the house that did not belong to the wife, like larger womens shoe sizes, a blouse or skit in a particular closet that was the where the wife places her closing and on and on. She said that she did not have any problem with the idea that I dressed from time to time and was pleased that I trusted her enough to share this particular hobby.

One time a couple years ago, she arrived for a visit, in a very gogeous dress and I commented on how I sure like what she was wearing. I asked where she purchased the dress. She said that she had gone to a story that dealt with consignments only types of clothing. I mentioned if they had a second in my size. She smiled and said, "No, but I will see if I can find one for you. She spent the whole next day searching numerous stores for the same dress. What an honor to me, by her.

So, you never know until you try the idea out on a friend of relative.

[LisaM]

JoAnne,

I agree with Karen --- "Never embarrass the wife".

Outing yourself affects your wife and I would only do it with her permission. If she doesn't want it (and my SO would not and has said it repeatedly) then I would never break her trust.

[Di]

It needs to be a decision you BOTH MAKE since it concerns you BOTH.

Why don't you find a tg/cd group in your surrounding area. Somewhere safe where you will be with like minded peeps and that way you can be out but in a safe way.

[mklinden2010]

>>>What would you advise ? Has anyone else felt this way ?

As ever, follow your feelings - they can either work for you or against you... But, you have feelings to do something about them.

Again, the logic of NOT living your life, your lives, with this "secret" is that the secret is chewing up a lot of your days and hours on this planet. But, you are not here to feel like crap day-in-and-day-out, are you? Forget that.

My SO and I discuss many things, this among them. I say to her, "All things considered, I think I need to decide this one. I'm not doing anything harmful or hurtful. We both know this. However, letting this, what other people think, worry us IS harmful and hurtful. So, I'm going to have to over-rule you here and put a stop to this worry. If you want to go, go. I can live with that if I have to... But, hang onto the front door key...."

(It's very unlikely that my SO will ever do anything but keep an eye out for me - I'm very important to her. But, bear in mind, in making comparisons between us, I have decades of experience dealing well with this issue and my SOs in life: "Tell 'em what you're doing, tell them when you're doing it, do what you said you'd do when you said you'd do it, then go back to "normal" for a while. If they can trust you to handle you, they can trust you to handle everything else when need be. Nothing feels better than that to most women, or, men, for that matter.)

In our lives, I made "the executive decision" to not live under a cover of false security - "it" can be undone at any moment. Again, read the other posts about people being found out all the time, in various ways... Deal with your problems or they will deal with you.

It's not all negative, you know. Once out, you're free to make your new best shot at things. She's free to go or stay - and no harm to her if she does because, after all, you could be the bad guy here and she's off the hook cause, "It's him - the dope - not me."

Moving on, she may decide that there are some harmless things she can step out and do, as you carefully do what you are interested in... You don't have to agree on everything and you don't have to do everything together... In the end, there's nothing wrong with both of you winding up happier is there?

I sense that you are past the point where the restrictions and boundaries currently in place make sufficient since to you. Review the logic with her and allow her to decide if it makes sense to keep everyone sneaking around in fear. Odds are better everyday she'll say, "Oh, what the hell... Maybe it's for the best."

It is.

[Tanya C]

JoAnne-
I understand the urge to come out to someone in the general community about your crossdressing. But it is way more important to respect boundaries that have been established between you and your wife. Giving in to such a desrie may provide you with an immediate gratification but will ultimately result in a world of grief for you and your wife.

I think a better approach is to discuss this desire with your wife and let her know that wish to have some kind of contact with the outside world. If nothing else it will get you talkig about it, and who knows, maybe something can be worked out.

Tanya

[Fab Karen]

If you're concerned with it getting out more broadly, choose people who you know well enough to know they wouldn't share the information without your permission.

[TSchapes]

I highly recommend this document "Coming Out Transgender" (http://www.hrc.org/documents/2071_HRC_Coming_Out.pdf) for all transgender people that want to weigh the pros and cons of coming out to friends and family:



Whether it’s the cross-dresser burdened with
a secret he’s hidden from his spouse or it’s a
young lesbian who feels she doesn’t fit into a
traditional gender role, transgender people feel
compelled to share who they are so as to have
stronger and more authentic relationships with
those closest to them.

Also may I continue to quote from this writing:

Some Benefits of Coming Out:
1. Living an open and whole life
2. Developing closer, more genuine relationships
3. Building self-esteem from being known and loved
for who we really are
4. Reducing the stress of hiding our identity
5. Having authentic and open friendships with other
transgender people
6. Helping to dispel myths and fears about
transgender people
7. Becoming a role model for others
8. Making it easier for younger transgender people
who will follow in our footsteps

Some Risks/Consequences of Coming Out:
1. Not everyone will be understanding
or accepting
2. Family, friends and co-workers may be shocked,
confused or even hostile
3. Some relationships may permanently change
4. You may experience harassment,
discrimination or violence
5. You may be thrown out of your home
6. You may lose your job
7. Some young people may lose financial support
from their parents

I've been very fortunate in that I have come out to more than 40 people at work and most of my extended family members know about my crossdressing. They know me better now and also know that I'm not embarrassed about who I am.

Life is too short to be running around and hiding.

Love, Tracy

[Gennifer]

My wife knows, and this past winter I also told my brother and his partner. They were fine with it and really appreciated, I think, knowing this side of me. I have thought of telling someone else, but for the time being have decided to go slowly. As I think Deborah said, once you tell you someone, you can't untell them. I also have a suspicion, though, that among the very few people I would consider telling, they would not be surprised. Still, I am going to move slowly.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Being transsexual you reach a point in your life that you are compelled to tell others, because that is who you are and you need to be you, hence the compulsion to reveal to others your true self. When you are simply a crossdresser the compulsion to tell others is not there, at least not in the same way that a transsexual experience's it. And for a CD, it is usually best, not to reveal to other people outside your immediate family..

For me I am a Transsexual and in the process of transitioning, going on Hormones etc. and I'm compelled strongly now to tell my family. I still have the fear of telling them, possibly losing them etc. but I need to tell them about Kimberly, whatever the cost..So far my children are okay with Kim and I've told a couple of female friends who are okay with Kim and who now call me Kim. You need to decide which you are, a TS or a CD. That will decide whether you should tell others beyond your family..

Not to say this is a hard and fast rule for all Crossdressers as some Cd'ers are very comfortable being themselves and being part of the world. My point is simply that transsexuals have a very strong compulsion to let others know their true identity, whereas Cd'ers generally do not. :battingeyelashes:

[Angie G]

My wife knows and I 'd love to tell a few others but that ain't happening I know they wouldn't understand.:hugs:
Angie

[TSchapes]

And for a CD, it is usually best, not to reveal to other people outside your immediate family..


Disagree, the entire transgender spectrum will never progress if the majority (i.e. CDs) don't come out and be visible. We CDs can be supporters of the TG/TS community. It's not going to be overnight, but we are an integeral part of the solution.

I'm out to many more people than just my immediate family. I find it liberating.

-Tracy

[Diane Elizabeth]

Yes... I constantly have the urge to tell someone that I cd and gay. But I look at it as to what am I gaining and losing at this time if I outed myself to family or friends. Nothing positve so far by doing it. Maybe someday - but today is not that day.

[BarbiB]

Think twice... And then forget it. I made the mistake of telling one person who I thought I could trust and confide in. One whom I never thought would hold it against me or over my head if ever we were at odds over something. MY WIFE has never failed to revisit, berate me over... or ever let me forget my "perversions" when there is a marital or moral conflict she can not win with traditional arguments. For me, sharing my secret life with anybody will now be forever difficult.

[LA CINDY LOVE]

We Cd's have already put a strain on our wife and family with or crossdressing, Why would anyone want to tell there friends and put the strain on them......you may have more to lose then gain.

When you have a family you have to think of them first and not yourself or some transgender spectrum, I have 3 very close GG friends there are time when I want to tell them......but what if it back fires I have put more strain on my family and a big burden on the friendship that could push them away.....why take the risk.

LA CINDY LOVE

[Persephone]

I find that I sometimes want to confide in some of my GG friends (other than my spouse who already knows about JoAnne) who and what I am and what I
have gone through (the secrecy about crossdressing) and the angst from not being able to be open with others - (my spouse lives in horror that someone will find out that I am a crossdresser and her world will shadder) - I have several close GG friends who I seem to be compelled to confide in - but of course I also realize that once you confide with someone, YOU ARE OUT !

What would you advise ? Has anyone else felt this way ?

JoAnne Wheeler

Tough one, JoAnne. It sounds like your wife doesn't really want you to share with others so you probably have to deal with that first.

Does she bond with her GG friends? Or is she more of a loner? That might have something to do with how she feels and reacts.

Perhaps she feels that your seeking other GG friends is because of some "failure" on her part.

I guess you have to work that one out first.

As to telling others, I can only speak from my own experience. I've told a few women (and a couple of guys, mostly gay ones) over time.

Some of the ones I've told have become my GG best friends. There almost aren't closer bonds than that.

Some have become friends but always see me as a "crossdresser." That means that whether I'm dressed around them or not, my crossdressing seems to always be on their minds. I don't like that very much but tolerate it.

One got mad at me once and attempted to out me. She only knew people in one facet of my life.

I really never heard of any negative fallout from her attempt, but it was in a performance/artistic part of my life so she probably had little, if any, negative impact. Might be different in other communities or aspects of life.

I don't know how many people she actually told, but a couple called me to tell me about what she did and to ask if it was true, and one of those became a great supportive friend.

So, other than your wife's feelings about it, after careful thought and analysis it may be that "you pays your money and you takes your chance."

[Dressing Jill]

We don't live in an enlightened world. Maybe in about 10,000,000,000,000,000 from now if I am still around.LOL..

I just live my life and no one has to know that I am both male and female. I never change my attitude or conversations I am always compelled to speak my mind as I have come accept me for me. People are cruel and a friend can go south in a hurry and may regret there actions someday. But that doesn't help today. There is a lot of low self esteem out there and to reveal a cross dresser sure would make one look like a hero or whatever for a moment or two at your expense.

I just don't want to be hurt or have to deal with someone's back wards thinking (middle age like in the 1300's thinking).

There is a lot of girls out there who have gone public and they can tell you what they have gone Thur. For me it is not worth it.

I love who I am. And years of work on myself (which I call working on me) has got me to this point.

Think clearly as to your decisions on this subject as you can not take it back.

Hugs :hugs:

Jill

[Lorileah]

My wife outed me to her GF co-worker (one that I know of but I am sure others). So I guess it wouldn't matter. I tell people who I think can handle it knowing full well that eventually they will tell someone else. So far the world has not come to a halt. The majority of these have been women who usually find it fascinating

[Sonia Greene]

I've been to have my hair cut with a GG hairdresser now for several months. I told her what I do, and another time, showed her some photos of me dressed. She was surprised and complimentary about them....nice reaction.
Otherwise, I've been to 2 dressing services and they obviously know, being GGs, and very nice. Not patronising etc.
Next week, I've booked a makeup lesson with a GG, working for a national organisation that primarily does this, also makeovers in style and suggested colours etc, for those wanting to improve. I've explained I'm not a GG. No problem.

Sonia LOL

[Sonia Greene]

On TS chapes post, top of this page.....

I agree!! Very strongly.........visibility is the road to acceptability.

[Laura Evans]

I have come out to my female massage therapist, I sometimes show up en femme, the lady doing my electrolysis knows, I have been out and about in my yard in full view of my neighbors but more importantly is that my SO, who knows and supports me 100%, is not bothered by that. We have been out publicly together in restaurants, hotels, and shopping.

[Sharon B.]

If you are willing to end your relationship with your wife by all means tell some GG friends.
Just be prepared for the consequences, when you tell your wife that you have told so and so that you enjoy dressing as a woman.
It won't be a petty site in the Bluegrass that evening or day.
Just my nickel's worth.