Mixed Feelings

[TxKimberly]

So tonight I'm in Towson Maryland just outside of Baltimore. I'll make the usual post about my trip in the out and about section later, but I'm just sort of exhilarated and depressed at the same and kind of wanted to chat about it.

So I'm sitting in the Holiday Inn lounge after watching a movie. It's 945 PM and I haven't eaten since breakfast, so I order a drink and some dinner. There's a guy sitting three stools away, keeps texting on his phone, giving long drawn out sighs, and then places a call. We can all hear his side of the conversation, where he is speaking to his son, who is not going to be staying with him for the weekend after all. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the guy is divorced and the child is going back and forth between parents, and this weekend Dad is going to be disappointed with no son coming as planed. He's not slurring his speech or anything, but it's fairly clear the guy has had a few drinks before I got there.

Here's the thing. The bartender was clearly not pleased to deal with me. Another hotel employee pretty much giggled when I walked in and excused himself and left in short order. Everyone in the lounge knew I was a cross dresser. In spite of that, this disappointed father went out of his way to speak with me. We chatted for at least two hours, about parenting, and about our time in the military. Before we were done, he was sitting in the stool next to me. I'm still not sure if he knew what I was or not, but he treated me like a lady, and I caught him more than once sneaking peaks at parts of me . . .
See, here's the rub though . . . I have no interest in men, but I was so grateful that he was treating me as a woman. He was being kind, he was watching his language, and even offered to buy me a drink (which I declined).
So it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman. Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .

[Jessica Who]

I can see why you'd be feeling that way after so many emotions running through your head from one moment to the next. Although I've shared my secret with my best friend, I have yet to hang out with him while dressed, so obviously I don't know how it feels to interact with a dude while dressed. I always enjoy the stories of your outings, and I admire your bravery.

[erica12b]

A long time ago I was told that what your feeling is your guy self being fair, (this for that) where as a girl would not feel she owed him anything, he was nice to her (he should have been) he treated you like a lady, did you act like a lady? You are a lady, (ownership presentation) we can only pretend, to be, they are

That makes any sense?

[Sophia de la luz]

I empathize with your experience. It's to avoid that experience that I have not really gone down this road of crossdressing further. The contrast of my obvious and irrefutable (and loved) maleness with the presentation, joy and fun of femaleness, seems, finally, painful.
So, to heighten and accent feminine features only seems to highlight the ones that I'm not going to change.
So, I live in the grey world of in between, with room to play both ways, and end up being neither.
I'm glad the fellow was nice to you. You seem like a pretty decent person.

[Tanya C]

It's a wonderful experince to receive affirmation that you are able to present as a woman, and from your avatar you do it very well.
As for the momentary sadness for not being born a woman look at it this way, if you had been born a woman you would never know the joy of crossdressing.

Love always,

Tanya

[dilane]

Hi Kimberly,

Wow, some bad attitudes there, sorry to hear that.

Some people "see" only their mentally constructed stereotype, and some see a person.

When I get that kind of reaction, if I'm in a decent frame of mind, I'll smile and start chatting with the person. Sometimes that breaks them out of their rigid thinking mode and they see me as a person. And of course, sometimes, it doesn't!

I remember I was at a straight club and the woman next to me did not approve. I spoke to her and she looked at me like I was some kind of freak from mars and walked away without saying a word. Now that's rejection!

And like you, I've had some nice conversations with regular straight guys during the week at bars.

We certainly challenge people, no?

-- Diane

[Miranda09]

I can understand what you're saying Kimberly. It does get confusing, especially when people interact with you in a certain way that reflects your appearance as a very lovely woman. When you're dressed, enjoy your femininty. When you're in male mode, enjoy your masculinity. It's a rare combination. :)

[vikki2020]

Yeah, that sometimes is a weird place of mind to be in. I think that once in a while we want to bend that line a little farther, and it does feel good.Forget the make-up and the clothes, that kind of interaction "dresses" you up mentally.I kind of like when it happens.In the end though, your two people, away from home, sharing some time, talking. Nothing wrong with that!

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Kimberly-

All I can say is take the good and positive part of the experience and leave the rest. You can't have gold without leaving the dross behind.

Hugs...Joni Marie

[Persephone]

I can appreciate your frustration. Sometimes we weave a complex tapestry.

On the other hand, your presence as a woman was probably a big help to him over those two hours. Without you he may have talked with a guy at the bar, but he probably wouldn't have been as open as he was able to be with you.

So being who you are, and as pretty as you are, probably accounted for your good deed for the day!

Hugs,
Persesphone.

[Deedee Dupree]

Who knows if he knew or not... what he did do is treat you kindly as one good person to another would. Whichever way he saw you, it was good. As to your confusion all I can say is sometimes one's joy must be solitary, that is, not dependant or influenced by anything outside of oneself, when this occurs it is a validation of self.
The blues will pass...

dd

[5150 Girl]

The last time I was out was at Holoween. (as Sarah Palin) Anywho, I'm not gay/bi or anything, nope, no picke is park'n here, but I was practicaly beat'n men off with a club. I enjoyed every minute of it! Not because I wanted hit on per-se, but rather because it made me feel pretty. Of course given the nature of the holliday, I didn't have the getting "read" probem.
I guess the bottom line is, ya go to all that work, you want it to pay off.:2c:

The only dark spot of that night was the one dude who wouldn't take no for an anser:Angry3: He was even get touchy feely. So I sank my nail into his arm, looked him square in the eye, and said "That's enough". Well,, he then gave me a little space but continued trying to chat me up, so I stared making out with a girl I met there a few weeks before (she's now my SO) to convince him we were a lesbian couple. Finaly he left us alone.

[docrobbysherry]

As a closet CD, I'll probably never have the opportunity to experience what u just did!
I say that as a "straight" CD, that is NOT attracted to men. :doh:

But, how would I react? How would I feel? If I was out dressed. Acting and feeling fem. Then, getting into a pleasant conversation with a man, that has nothing to do with sex.:)

What kind of emotional and/or subconscious doors mite open for me? I could NEVER REALLY KNOW what I would feel after your experience, unless it happened to me!

Kim, I hope I can sleep tonite, with the thots your post has stirred up!:eek:
I wonder if we're having some of the same ones?:brolleyes:

[AllieSF]

"So it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman. Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . "

Kimberley, I have read your posts since I have joined here over 2 years ago just after I started dressing. From that short experience with this side of the world, I just think that your feelings may be expressing where you are today, even though you may not want to be going there yet. I seem to change over time as I learn more, go out more, meet others, and read so much on this site. To me it seems like the logical progression of me. Maybe that is what is happening to you too. As we reach new levels of experience and plateaus of being who we are, I think we tend to want to try to take it to another level of experience. Maybe we just want to see what that next level may be like, with no intention of staying there. Keep smiling, keep traveling and sharing your wonderful journals with us. This may be just "one of those days" where the good and not so good brings us into that blue zone briefly and makes us wonder about ourselves. Good luck. Tomorrow you will have a great day.

[Intertwined]

In my opinion, the imortant thing to remember here is, it does not matter if the father thought you were a man or a woman, the bottom line is, he treated you like a person, an equal. Which is more than can be said for the bartender or hotel employee.

As most of you know, I do not try to look like a woman, I present myself as a guy in a skirt and heels.

Not including the ones that treat me like a freak, when I am crossdressed, men are usually more polite around me, and women are usually more open with me, I respect the person that treats me as an equal.

[Gisele]

See, here's the rub though . . . I have no interest in men, but I was so grateful that he was treating me as a woman. He was being kind, he was watching his language, and even offered to buy me a drink (which I declined).
So it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman. Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .

Kim, I know exactly what you are saying! I know what you are............A FRIEND to me.:hugs: But, also you are you. Just enjoy the company of another person who will treat you right. It doesn't matter if it's a man or woman. If you are dressed up a Kim well then enjoy the way a man treats you as a woman, because you are a beautiful one!:)

[jennCD]

Everyone in the lounge knew I was a cross dresser. In spite of that, this disappointed father went out of his way to speak with me. We chatted for at least two hours, about parenting, and about our time in the military. Before we were done, he was sitting in the stool next to me. I'm still not sure if he knew what I was or not, but he treated me like a lady, and I caught him more than once sneaking peaks at parts of me . . .

So it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman. Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .

Seems you're aiming too low, Kimberly,... I get the impression that he was treating you as someone who he found a connection with... common ground... kinda just like what we do with friends. Don'tcha think, had you been there in drab, the conversation may have been just about the same?

:)
jenn

[ReineD]

Kim, your are a very kind, empathetic person. I'm sure he felt that you understood his situation and he was glad to have someone help pull him out of his sadness, especially someone who has kids of her own.

Would he have treated you any differently had you been in guy mode? :hugs:

[Sally2005]

After a couple drinks and a heart ache some people will be almost blind, but perhaps it was your ear that was most attractive to him, as you say the bar staff wasn't all welcoming.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I'm still not sure if he knew what I was or not, but he treated me like a lady, and I caught him more than once sneaking peaks at parts of me . . .
See, here's the rub though . . . I have no interest in men, but I was so grateful that he was treating me as a woman. He was being kind, he was watching his language, and even offered to buy me a drink (which I declined).
So it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman. Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .

It both does and doesn't matter how he saw you, doesn't it. It doesn't matter because you were two people talking and bonding with each other. But it does matter because you want people to treat you like a woman and not a man.

It's how you see yourself that matters. How do you see your self? I'm not really into that mystical spiritual stuff, but how do you feel in spirit? Are you sure you're not a woman in your heart? (But that might depend on how you define woman.) Do you want to be a woman?

Always an ear for you.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[Erica A.]

"Sometimes I am not sure what I am."

That's easy Kimberly, you are Human. Just like us!

[MissConstrued]

I find that men and women both are more likely to talk my ear off when I'm in girl mode, even when they know I'm a guy -- which they always do. Couples share their relationship woes with me, apparently believing me to empathize equally and thus remain a neutral party (I am, really!). Every night out is another quirky adventure in sociology!

[Lisa Golightly]

So it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman. Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .

That sounds like me five years ago... Viewing the smoking ruins of another failed relationship with quite simply the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on... who accepted and treated me as Lisa but with whom I just couldn't be anything but Andy.

Trying desperately to be a boy... wanting to be a boy... but ever failing to be a boy... and always feeling empty because I was a boy.

Hmmmmm... You know I got a pm today on another forum from a TS girl I knew back then... It said... "...congratulations on your progress, I can't say that I am at all surprised by the direction you've taken. I think it was always a matter of when rather than if."

I think deep down the one thing that identifies you as TS is that it is 'when' rather than 'if'...

We kind of always know but build these walls of excuses, lies and normailty to live behind... but for me at least my life was one of clothes... Hiding the naked woman underneath...

Hmmmmm...

You know where I am. :)

Lisa x

[Carin]

... joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman.

Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .

That doesn't sound like redneck thinkin to me :lol2: You know what I mean!

But seriously.
The monster within that has no name, and stirs the pot of confusion. I know it too.

You are two-spirit, gifted of gender experience, being of both. A gift above the norm, that allows you to experience a broader sense of humanity than allowed to most.

Parent, spouse, artist, engineer, writer, adventurer, transgender
A person that sets a standard for the rest of us.

A man in a bar in Maryland, had a conversation with Kimberly of Texas, and his day became better from the experience.

[Hope]

This I think is why everyone makes such a big deal out of passing. We all know we are not supposed to care if we pass or not and be happy without selves blah blah blah. But damn reality is so much different.

[happygirl]

sounds like you were both curious, wonder what would have happened

[Fab Karen]

He might have been an admirer.

[Kate Simmons]

This is exactly why I always say we are who we are for a reason Kimberly. You were there for someone who needed to talk at the time.:)

[deja true]

...but I'm just sort of exhilarated and depressed at the same and kind of wanted to chat about it.

.... Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .


Not a particularly sad post, except for having to share a little of somebody else's heartbreak. And not a particularly happy post either, those little rejections and slights are each like the prick of a thorn...

But still, the tears came...understanding the frustration of our limbo existence. Especially after Carin's wonderful, sensitive reply.

There's a joy in those fleeting moments of connecting with strangers as copacetic humans, and it's compounded when the connection is not at all related to the surface presentation.

Wish it were possible more often. Deja likes to play the IGAS bitch sometimes, but in reality she's as soft and easy to hurt as a puppy! And so are you, Kimmie!

Gee! :o

[Sarah...]

See, here's the rub though . . . I have no interest in men, but I was so grateful that he was treating me as a woman. He was being kind, he was watching his language, and even offered to buy me a drink (which I declined).
So it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman. Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .

Well, Kimberley, I think you are simply asking yourself the right questions and missing the obvious answers. :)

Look at the first sentence in your quote above, "I have no interest in men, but I was so grateful that he was treating me as a woman". Why use the word "but" in that sentence? Being perceived as and treated like a woman has no bearing on your "interest" in the person you are talking to. You clearly had an interest in the man you were talking to, as a fellow human being. You had some shared interests. That's good, is it not? You're just the same as women the world over - just because you show an interest in a man on a friendship level and display a sense of empathy doesn't mean you're "interested" in him. Just because you do the same in male mode equally doesn't men you're "interested" in him. So there's no issue there in my view.

To the second sentence in your quote, "so it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman". What makes you think you're not a woman? Surely, on some level, you must be? I mean, you present as a woman some of the time, so you must be a woman some of the time. You're not a man all of the time so you must be a woman some of the time.

It may sound simplistic, but that's how it seems to me. And it works for me. Your post sounded to me like someone describing herself and then being unsure of the description and stepping back. You could equally visualise taking a step forward towards greater certainty :)

Sarah

[Michelle Charles]

I guess I'd try and capitalize on the positive side of your experience. We all have many negative experiences as CD'rs that just need to flush. Enjoy the fact that someone found you interesting and helpful and you had a very pleasant ladylike evening!
Michelle

["Mary"]

Wow, where could I start? Lots of good posts here. folks have articulated a lot of things I've felt, but could have expressed so well. Thanks for sharing everybody.

[JennyS.]

Hey Kim. Since I've been going out on a semi-regular basis there have been ups and downs. "Thank you, sir." Ugh!
I posted some pics of last weekend, the club, church. We didn't take pics at the busy restuarant where we ate lunch. But, something I didn't mention here. We walked in, I was so nervous. We were seated, the waitress came and said "what can I do for you, guys?" Coulda been innocent enough. But, the wierd thing was, no one bothered us, or gave us more than a second glance. But, there was this maybe 9 or 10 year old kid that stared at me the entire time. I told Erica that it was uncomfortable. Eventually, they got up to leave and the kid was talking to his dad and pointing at me. Dad just glanced my way and they left. There were so many things that happened in that one lunch. So many emotions.
Kim... You know better than most of us as you've had so many adventures, we are a little different. But, we are beautiful people, too. That man may or may not have known, but it's obvious he saw the beauty inside. And, that's what counts, right?

[Patricia1]

My god - I'm really impressed with some of these posts. Some really profound insights from just about everyone. I was especially touched by alliesf, sarah & sophia de la luz. You really understand the nature and plight of our journey. Sometimes it's like driving at night and you insanely turn off the headlights for a moment just to "see" what it's like. CDing can be like driving at night with the headlights off. We know we're moving but we don't know where we're going & we don't know what's going to happen if we stay that way. A nutty analogy, I know, but it does describe how scary our world can sometimes get.

On the other hand - this wasn't any more than a couple of people making contact for humanity's sake and enjoying the company.

Occam's razor - The simplest explanation for a phenomenon is most likely the correct explanation. In other words, don't complicate the obvious.

[TxKimberly]

Wow, what awesome and thoughtful responses. I don't think I've ever seen more thoughtful posts here and I want to thank each and every one of you! :)
I dunno, maybe some times I think too much . . . lol . . .

[TGMarla]

Kimberly, we all get that same melancholy when confronted with the obvious, that we aren't women no matter how hard we try. I get that same feeling when I find a dress that I'd just kill to wear, but have to face the fact that no matter how much I wish for it, I'm never going to fit into a smaller size. And it's a small girl's world when it comes to clothes. Just be grateful that at least one gentleman treated you nicely. A few drinks will bring the melancholy out a lot quicker. All we can do is sigh and move on. Tomorrow is another day.

:edit:

I thought I'd add something to this. This melancholy at the realization that I'm not a woman is something that I've lived with nearly all my life. I've come to accept that it is just part of the territory, and that it's always going to be there. I decided at one time that SRS would not be in my future, and I'm left with only a dream of what might have been had I actually been born female. I'm never really going to be one. We accept that we are always going to be men, and we try to be husbands and fathers as best we can. There are days when it's only a passing melancholy, and there are days when it just gnaws at me, a frustration that just will not let go. On days like this, if I'm not able to at least dress up, it is really hard to take. But at some level or another, it's always there.

So Kimberly, your post hit a nerve with many of us, I think. You're not alone at all. I think on some level, we all understand just how you feel. We're there, too.

[DaphneGrey]

You brought a man in pain comfort. So at that moment if you were passing or not doesn't really matter, you were what he needed at the moment.

What people pick up on in my experience is a vulnerability be it real or imagined I cant say I only know it exists if only as a perception. We appear to many as safe and non threatening.

I have found when I am presenting Daphne, people are more likely to confide in me. If I had to guess he picked up on the compassion and understanding in your personality.

Your such a kind and wonderful person I am sure that is what he saw.

As for not being born a woman, sure I have felt that way many times. Being part Native American it was a wise old Cherokee who helped me deal with these feelings. After I had come out to him quite depressed he wiped my tears away smiled from ear to ear and said Berdachi which means person of two spirits. He told me years ago I would have been praised for being who I was and would have been given a place of honor in Tribal Hierarchy. That being male and female was both a gift and a responsibility. Your post reminded me of those words.

You are a person of two spirits Beautiful Rare Strong Passionate Kind the list could go on and on don,t be sad

Very Truly Yours
Daphne

[mklinden2010]

K,

Really a very nice post.

Thank you.

It really does sound like two people, getting the worst of it from others, finding a way to pass some quality time - in spite of all that - with a bit of help from each other.

There are times when we are reminded that we live most of our lives alone - inside our heads if not inside our separate bodies. Having someone to share our time pleasantly with is wonderful - if only temporary. (Give or take 30 years... Ask the married people...)

I often encounter people who seem like really wonderful people, and we have a good chat, or, round of darts, or, whatever, and it's clear that after that they'll have to return to their usual world of having no one special until the next chat or next game.

Sad. But, what can you do? Perhaps it's well enough that we do what we can to keep each other going until things finally get better.

That's what friends, even temporary friends, are for... Right?

Thanks for the reflective post.

On balance, very positive.

[LisaM]

Hi Kimberly,

I've been exactly where you are---about 11 years ago and I stopped dressing. It seemed that my dressing was leading me nowhere and I felt like you described--"joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman. Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . ."

I think Lisa Golightly's post was terrific in a very gentle way----"We kind of always know but build these walls of excuses, lies and normailty to live behind... but for me at least my life was one of clothes... Hiding the naked woman underneath...

Hmmmmm...

You know where I am."

I think there is a lot of truth in her words.

[charlie]

Hello Kimberly!
In some ways I'm surprised and in others I completely understand. I'm surprised because I have read many of your "outs and abouts" and know that you even feel confident enough to travel dressed on air planes! I have never tried that one. I understand your confusion part because going out to bars and shows, most people treat you either well or do not say anything to you at all. I (although I am heterosexual) went out on a date and was treated by my friend as his lady for dinner, a show and drinks after the show. It was both a marvelous night and a confusing one as I am married. Some people at the various venues did raise an eyebrow or two, but I felt largely accepted. The real acceptance by some, ignoring by others and dislike by still others is confusing. Ah, the gender crossing lines!

[Lorileah]

Kim, just my rambling thoughts on this.

You were two people in a bar who evidently needed each other in some manner. I don't buy the "males want to be fair" argument. You empathized with him as he did you. He could see you were alone and he could have picked up the bartender's attitude. He was lonely, it appeared you were likewise. Why is it hard to think that two genetic males can't feel some compassion for each other. Maybe everyone else in the bar gave off the vibe of "why don't you make that call outside?" You didn't. He needed a friend, you were there. He was polite. You let yourself listen to what he had to say (cost that bartender a big tip too because he probably didn't). You commiserated, you shared. You were a good person to him at the time. You were who you are, the caught between two worlds lovely person you are. More people should be like you.


Other than that he thought you were cute and wanted to take you home. ;) Hey he was a guy in a bar :)

[karen_75cd]

Kim--I wasn't there, so I wouldn't know, but based on your posts and advice I've read in this forum, you seem like a kind, empathetic person. So whether your friend saw you as a woman, a man, or a crossdresser, he apparently also saw you as a person with whom he could share some of his burdens and have an intelligent conversation. I hope you can take away that "positive" from your experience.

[KaylaRoberts63]

For Kimberly,
As others have said already, your feelings are normal and you're human. The thing is, by virtue of who we are, we are probably more sensitive to what happens around us than most people. It certainly sounds as if you are.

To stay happy, try not to take things too personally. That's what I tell myself continually.

Kayla

[Petra Bellejambes]

.... Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .

Don't forget where you where. Life on the road can be alienating. Hotel bars are sterile places. You spend a good deal of time on the road, and you know how nice the accidental and unexpected moments of human warmth are.

A nice unpressured talk with a stranger is can be a life affirming thing. Poor guy just needed a little company. He was lucky to have you nearby.

And after the treatment you received from the staff, you were too. Nice exchange.

I do hope you gave management an earful about the staff though.

Happy travels - always, always love your stories!

[ReineD]

There are days when it's only a passing melancholy, and there are days when it just gnaws at me, a frustration that just will not let go.

If you remove the gender context from this sentence, it expresses how most everyone feels sometimes. Please bear with me while I attempt to articulate this.

I am not transgendered so I cannot know how frustrating it must feel to be in between genders, or not be who you feel you are or want to be. But I have experienced feeling wistful over not being all that I would like to be, some of which has been beyond my ability to control. I have lost custody of my youngest child who moved thousands of miles away and I am no longer involved in his day to day life, no matter how much I wish it were otherwise. There are many aspects of myself (I won't go into details here) that I wish I had been born without but I cannot change this no matter how much I would have liked to. There are other aspects of myself that I have not developed and I dearly regret this. It is too late now to develop these things and take it as far as I might have 30 years ago.

Most days I accept where life has brought me but sometimes an event will trigger a sense of regret and I will focus on who I am not and what I do not have. Every fiber in my body will then yearn to be that young, beautiful woman I see walking by who turns all the heads and who seems to have the world at her feet. But, on other days I do wake up to sunshine and feel gratitude in my heart for everything that I do have and all the opportunities that were given to me.

I do not live with the particular sadness you must experience sometimes, but I did want to bring a different perspective to the discussion. I suppose my point is that we are all human and the best possible gift of all I believe is to have acceptance and love from friends (and sometimes passing acquaintances) for all that we are, despite what we feel we lack.
:love:

[TxKimberly]

Some wonderful thoughts and posts here.
Reine, a very nice reality check. :)

[Rita B]

Hi Texas this is me Rita. Hun, that is the price we pay for who we are. We don't quite fit in anywhere. I don't care how good we look or how ladylike we act. I think that maybe you and I fall somewhere between crossdressing and transitioning, so there we are in mid air so to speak ( no pun intended TX).

Every time I see a pretty little girl in a party dress with her hair done up in banana curls looking cute as can be, I feel so envious that I was not born female and lived to enjoy all those precious moments of being a little girl growing up.

There is so much we have missed.

Hugs Rita

[Ralph]

So it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman. Sometimes I am not sure what I am . . .

I can totally understand your mixed feelings, Kimberly. Your story (and others like it) makes me SO glad that I don't feel compelled to really look female - I'm a man and glad to be so, and I don't want anyone to think otherwise.

Of course anyone who feels the way I do is stuck with two choices - go out obviously male and having to deal with the inevitable social problems, or stay inside all the time. I choose the latter; as mentioned elsewhere I just don't have the chutzpah to face the world as a guy in a dress.

ralph

[Sophie Lynne]

The simple answer is this- you are a fantastic person and an inspiration to many of us.

And you look better and have more style than many GG's out there.

So enjoy the good parts while you have them girl!

We all love you whatever you are! ;)

[Jenny J]

Kimberly-

What you are is an inspiration to all of us who live our CD lives vicariously through you. As one that enjoys your postings and blog entries as well as some grief, I can hardly wait until your next great adventure. It's like when I was growing in the 50’s & 60’s, the heyday of TV (that’s television), I couldn’t wait a week for my favorite show to come on. Now I can’t wait for a posting from some far off reaches of the realm and what has happened to you.

Secondly you were a friendly face and interested listener to that guy. Not many of those around these days but you gave an ear and listened to his story. Whether he was expecting anything else from you I don't know but I'm sure he was appreciative of the companionship and attentiveness.

Oh for the courage to just hop on an airplane and fly somewhere en femme.

Keep flying.

Jen

:rose2:

[MsJanessa]

Well just because he was treating you like a lady doesn't mean you have to spend the night with him---nothing sad about that-and the fact that you might have accepted a drink from him doesn't obligate you in anyway--just enjoy the company and at the end of the evening excuse yourself and go back to your room alone---but I must say your original post sounds kind of wistful---like maybe you weren't sure? That's fine---I suspect there are a lot of CDs who post here who are not sure---what ever you decide is fine and you have our support either way.

[Carly D.]

In my opinion, the imortant thing to remember here is, it does not matter if the father thought you were a man or a woman, the bottom line is, he treated you like a person, an equal. Which is more than can be said for the bartender or hotel employee.

As most of you know, I do not try to look like a woman, I present myself as a guy in a skirt and heels.

Not including the ones that treat me like a freak, when I am crossdressed, men are usually more polite around me, and women are usually more open with me, I respect the person that treats me as an equal.

I wondered if you knew you really don't look fem when you are dressed that way.. and by the way good for you on your attitude towards everything.. wish I was more like you.. and your response to the thread, being treated very nicely.. just class all the way...

[Sally24]

So it leaves me confused. . . joy at being treated as a woman versus the knowledge and sadness that I am not a woman.
I feel much the same way when I see a group of young women (16-18 yrs) bonding and laughing. By that age girls had put me outside their group with the other guys. I didn't fit in with the other guys either. I spent a very lonely time in High School.

I get rather wistful at the thought of what growing up and having girls as friends and all the socialization that follows with that would have been like. No matter how good our presentation gets, or even if we transition, we will never have that experience of growing up female. Those are the times that I gather the good memories that I have made over the years as a CD. The sobbing and crying when I got back from my first encounter with other t-gurls and truely "knew" that I was not alone in the world. The evenings when everything, makeup,dress, hair, etc.. were perfect and I felt PRETTY! The open and friendly smiles and comments from GGs I have encountered. The friendship and SISTERHOOD that I have experienced with You and a handful of my closest friends in the TG world.

And not to forget the conversations and exchanges of thoughts that I have loved since I joined this forum. Who knew that one day we would be talking on a daily basis with people from all over the planet?

My generations take on this: You have to be thankful for the bounty that you have and not look at what others have that you do not.

My Dad's generations take on this: Suck it up and deal! :devil:

[ChanDelle]

Seems pretty simple to me. He needed someone he could talk to and felt like would understand him. From all the posts I've read here and the songs you write, I know I could talk to you and lay my heart bare, en femme or otherwise, knowing full well you'd understand.

You did a good thing, and to hell with the bystanders. He obviously wasn't embarrassed or otherwise considered. He viewed you as I know my spouse views me, "special" in some way she can't define; but it's just that quality of feeling and understanding of others that comes through no matter what.

Well done, for another human being. I know we're not exactly what we'd really like to be, but we make the best out of what God gave us.

Bless you...

ChanDelle

[TJ Tresa]

Youare what you are, a beautiful Lady sometimes and a gentle man the rest of the time. I congradulate you for not accepting his drink. Being that I love the taste of liquer about as much as I love CDing I woould have had a hard time turning it down. How ever it is good that you didn't take it because taht would have been a signal that you were interested. Cheer up, enjoy life, you have the best of both worlds.

[donnalee]

:):sad:Your post touched me on many levels; it was the epitome of the above.
I think he was possibly in search of an empathetic female response from someone who had shared similar experiences as he. The drinks likely helped him cross the boundaries that would normally be between the two of you, and the two connected in an unusual and rather beautiful way.
I can understand your mixed feelings, but suspect the experience will stay a long time in your memory.

[Michelle_Tokyo]

Kim,

I am seeing a couple of things here in your post.

First of all is the truly wonderful reality that upon having this experience you were able to reach out to a community of peers here who you felt comfortable confiding in and who were going to care for you. You have created for yourself through being who you are here a wonderfully receptive group of people who care about what you say and how you feel. That is a very beautiful thing and I am so touched by the incredible outpouring of warmth, the willingness to reach to them for a supportive word, just the general support network you are part of which can be so caring. I am so very touched your post and the posts in response.

As for him buying a drink for you, it sounded so much when I read it like he was simply old school in wanting to buy a woman a drink. Assume he saw who you were, disregarded it and fell back on his own set of personal values and manners. He, according to the values I also hold true, should offer a lady a drink if he is a gentleman. And he likely added to that the feeling that he was grateful for your genuine humanity at his plight. A drink in a bar from a man to a woman can mean a lot of things, but I would never take it as a given that by buying the drink and old school fellow would be trying to seduce the lady. There are obviously times when it can be so, but there are equally times when it is simply a display of manners and good upbringing.

That you noticed and primarily commented on his kindness, his etiquette, and his offer to buy a drink indicate very clearly that you were indeed thinking as a woman then and when you typed this. Being treated as a woman is a wonderful, wonderful joy I agree. Knowing we are not women is often total frustration. That you are not and that he still treated you as such is perhaps something to view with joy and elation. It may be the case that you will act on such a situation someday, or you may not. I know I think about it constantly, and I am sure most of us do at varying levels of intensity and frequency. Either way, the feelings that make it clear to us that inside we are more woman than man have a big impact on how we see ourselves when presenting as either man or woman. For me they serve to positively accentuate everything about being Michelle when showing her to the world. When not showing as Michelle those same feelings of gender incorrectness can frustrate me. It is at those times I look to the joy in my life that is my children and know that no how gender confused I may feel, my love for my children is pure and without gender. It settles me. It centers me. At those times of confusion, take a moment to know the love you have for your children and how totally unrelated it is to being a woman. Then you will be able to go back to the rest of the day as Kim with a peaceful spirit.

I wish you peace and clarity, and I send big cyber hugs your way from across the pond.

Michelle

[Rachel Morley]

Sorry for missing this thread but I too like you sometimes feel like I missed out on something important in life .... I sometimes wish I had been born a girl.

I have such a fantastic life and (pretty much) all of my hopes and dreams have come true, yet when I see a group of young girls like Sally mentions I feel a bit sad and jealous that I can't be a real woman. Then I immediately have counter thoughts about what a selfish person I am and I beat myself up and tell myself that there are literally thousands of people who would love to swap places with me (by that I mean I'm in love, I'm happy, healthy, both my parents are still here and they love me very much, I have a good job, lovely home, wonderful accepting and participating wife, etc etc) what right do I have to ask for more? - answer - none!

Yet sometimes I just want to do what I think comes naturally to me and that is be me but be seen as a real genetic woman not a member of the transgender community. My point is your thoughts are only natural.

[ReineD]

Yet sometimes I just want to do what I think comes naturally to me and that is be me but be seen as a real genetic woman not a member of the transgender community. My point is your thoughts are only natural.

You know, as much as I think I understand sometimes, I don't come close and it is posts like yours that help me. I wish I could wave a magic wand for everyone.
:hugs: