Worried about something...

[rachel1985]

I know i've not posted a lot recently, especially since my last post I believe was in 2005.

I've just got a house for my family, in my hometown, and this month is the final month of paying for my storage bill, which means I can bring everything out.

Now in one of my boxes, I've got things which belong to Rachel which I'm scared about.

The reason I'm scared, is because although my partner knows about Rachel, and the fact that I'm Bisexual.
None of that phases my partner, which is excellent, but I think that over the years we've both put Rachel to the back of our minds.
Although when I go shopping with her, and look at feminine clothes etc I feel the urge to try it on.

I feel over the years I've passed myself off as a woman very easily, to the point a simple shave passes me off easily, and when both me and my partner are out we get called Ladies.
This is endearing to me, as it just reminds me that I can do it.

Thing is, since getting back to my hometown, I've been remembering whats in that box, and worried about the impact of this will be between my partner and I, especially with the things Rachel got upto.

I just don't know what to do, and speaking to my partner doesn't seem to go down well.
Although she has said Rachel can come out at the appropriate times, I don't feel Rachel will be as big a part of my life as she once was, which upsets me, since I do feel more at home as her, than my normal self.

I've recently got a number from my workplace for our councelling service, but not sure if I should speak to someone more professional.

Sorry, I just think this is really a need to vent, but any suggestions are welcome.

Thanks,

Rachel
xxxxxx

[mklinden2010]

Rachel,

I wouldn't worry about it.

Your feelings are cluing you in about who you are, what you like, what you want. Your mind is working on the problem of how to go on about your life, while taking several other factors into account.

You is what you is - and you're OK.

Trust that you can get it worked out. And, of course, communicate, often, what's on your mind. You may not get the feedback you want from your SO, but no one and no situation is perfect.

Work the problem, don't let the problem work you.

Good luck and good living.

[LisaM]

Rachel,

Your partner seems to have handled everything so far. I think honesty and openness are always best. I don't know what things of Rachels that you are scared about but if you can't bring yourself to tell your partner about them then I wouldn't bring them to your new home; if you can tell her then bring them.

[Di]

Since your partner knows and like you said none of that phases your partner, why don't you tell your partner exactly what you told us. Instead of waiting till the urge takes you over and you do something behinh their back,,,,,,which is worse.......Tell your partner your fears and say I need Rachel time.

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Rachel
I think you just need to sit down with your partner and explain to her what you've just told us.

Only she can reassure you and give her input on any issues she may have with this.

I hope it all goes well :)

[AlisonWood]

Rachel - I know its hard sometimes to get perspective when you're in the middle of it - but if your partner knows - I would just shine daylight on the whole thing and not make a big deal about it.

You might be tempted to purge, but don't. You will want that stuff again someday.

Hugs, Alison

[docrobbysherry]

I wonder if your confession that you're "bi" has anything to do with it?:eek:

I can strongly suggest seeing an EXPERIENCED and LICENSED therapist. U 2 can explore what it is about Rachel that u fear! A good therapist will rush past your CDing, to your real problems!:)

[cindym5_04]

I would suggest calling that counseling number. If the provider happens to be through UNUM (that's the counseling service provided through my workplace), they are very good and very professional and will direct you to a personal counselor in your area (which you would get 3 free visits to).

[rachel1985]

The whole basis of our relationship has always been trust, and honesty.

I feel my partner is more than understanding about me being bisexual, not to mention about Rachel also.

I went through a phase as a kid dressing up, then a few years ago before i found cd.com and met my partner, Rachel came out.
I suddenly took the urge one day to buy clothes, which as a typical male i don't do!

I bought sexy lingery, underwear, drab clothes, casual and even smart!
I came out to my employer shortly after starting to wear things which were less than usual for me.
My boss understood, and my closest friends who knew i was bi stood even closer, to the point where one used to help with makeup and clothes!

I always wanted breasts, but considered my man boobs would suffice, and they always helped!

When i met my partner, i told her straight, but when i moved in with her, i sold a lot of the main clothes that i could, just in case.
Pretty much leaving the things i couldn't sell, being underwear.

Now this stuff is due to come out around the 25th, its scary!

I just didn't know why i was feeling scared, but i have for the last few months.
So much so, that we've had a good few fights which i start for no reason.

I know Rachel would be well treated, and welcomed, but what if i sink back into being comfortable with being her and wanting to be her again?
I lived as Rachel 24 7 before my partner.
Is there enough room in a relationship for two love lives? Rachel and Rob?

I will definately be contacting my workplace based councellor, since they are there to help, and once i switch GP's then i'll discuss that with them again!

In the meantime though, i'm knackered, and have dead hands from typing this whole reply through my phone!
Long live decent wifi phones!

[rachel1985]

Ok,

I'm kind of sh**ting myself at the minute...

Tomorrow, being the 22.05.09 is my payday, the final payment on arrears for all my storage stuffs, and I've broached on the subject of Rachel, only once with my partner.

If all goes the way I'm wanting it in whole to go, I'll have all my belongings out of storage, rifled through what needs kept and what needs ditched (thanks to eBay) and Rach's clothes are still worrying me.

As I said above, I only kept what couldn't be sold, and that was pretty much the underwear.
This wasn't through some sick perversion, or cover up etc, it was purely down to the timescale of move, packing and trying to also work while selling most of Rach's stuff.

My partner says she doesn't care about Rach's belongings, and there is room in our relationship for Rachel to come back out of me, since I have repressed this since I moved in with her, but I'm kind of worried about the last parts of her being seen, then me wanting to go back to full femme and continue seeking the professional advice I was getting before crashlanding into the relationship.

Am I just being too paranoid, or should I embrace myself for Rachel returning?

[Fab Karen]

My partner says she doesn't care about Rach's belongings, and there is room in our relationship for Rachel to come back out of me, since I have repressed this since I moved in with her, but I'm kind of worried about the last parts of her being seen, then me wanting to go back to full femme and continue seeking the professional advice I was getting before crashlanding into the relationship.

Am I just being too paranoid, or should I embrace myself for Rachel returning?

You told her about yourself & she's fine with it, but then you repressed it all when you moved in together. It sounds like you thought that once you had a commitment you could walk away from being Rachel- and it is dawning on you that it's a part of you, not a phase. As others are saying, you should discuss it with her.
It's unclear what you mean by being afraid of "the last parts of her" being seen, and wanting to go back to full femme- are you unsure of what you want, who/what you are? Talking to a therapist would be a good idea, if that's the case.

[deja true]

...especially with the things Rachel got upto.



Is this what's bothering you?

If Rachel "got up to things" before your realtionship with your partner started, I certainly wouldn't worry too much about it. Your life is different now, isn't it? If you've matured enough to have a stable relationship for the past several years, then you're mature enough to put earlier bad behaviour behind you.

Your self-imposed 'vacation' from dressing may be the impetus for the arguments you've started. We all recognize that dressing calms stress.

I think it would be best if you had the same conversation with your SO that you're having here with us. We can see that you feel badly about past actions. If you two normally get along well and your lady already knows and is at least somewhat okay with your trans-ness and your already public androgyny, you've a big head start on re-introducing it to your lives in a more responsible way.

Make it as much about her and your shared life as it used to be just about you.

Good luck, Rache!

Bring her here, if you think that would help...

[rachel1985]

Hey again girls, the replies are greatly appreciated.

I think the best course of action, is for me to seriously speak to a professional, in regards to Rachel.

I started speaking to my doctor about this, well, it didn't help he caught me dressed. Didn't help I lived in a close knit area, where I shopped, had doctor, dentist etc all within the same place.

Well, my doc had referred me, but with me meeting my partner, then swiftly moving in with her it all went down the drain.

I think at the end of the day, I'll start speaking to my works councelling group, then seek further advice from my doctor again. I do remember I didn't see this on my notes last time I went, which is slightly discomforting.

Reflecting on my life in full, when I was young I used to dress, so when I was on my own, I started dressing again, and found I felt so much more "at home" when dressed. Which is why I sought help from here, and joined (was so glad it wasn't just a dirty site for blokes looking for us), but went from thinking I was purely CD'ing for "fun" or anything, but seriously felt comfortable, going shopping and buying more stuff for Rachel, like skirts and nice tops. I even used to love buying just general drab stuff for her, and didn't think "this would look nice on her" it was "this looks nice for me".
Rachel isn't my alter-ego, she's me, which I fully understand, and what gets people is that I feel if I were to suddenly transform, i would still remain bisexual, and if we were in an ideal world, I'd be accepted fully.

My closest friends (male and female) have fully accepted me, and I know my partner has, but I'm scared for her and our daughter if Daddy became a mummy!
How much can that ruin and confuse a child?

Anyway, i'm sat here typing this worrying if my partner will come downstairs and see me on here, so i'm going to wrap up for tonight.

Will post more next time i'm free.

[linnea]

Perhaps talking about this has helped you; it seems to have been useful from what you've said.
I think that you're lucky to have supportive partner and that that partner isn't going to reverse her support because of the "things" of the past.

[Veronica75]

I can relate to the "skeletons in the closet" aspect of this... in my college and just graduated days, I went out quite often en femme, to TG bars, and actively explored bisexuality (among other things). I did a lot of crazy things and embraced a lot of desires that would not fit into my life today.

Recently I went out to a club for the first time since being married. Part of me worried that those feelings would come back and tempt me to do things I shouldn't at this stage in my life. Guess what? They never entered my mind, and the experience was very different from the ones I had then.

What I'm saying is that whatever Rachel did before, you are certainly a different person in a different place right now, so you shouldn't be surprised that she might be too. Maybe she needs the chance to come out again so you can see.

[rachel1985]

I seriously think having gotten my thoughts aired out, has helped, so I can only thank all you lovely girls for helping settle my head.

Just makes me remember the whole reason why I joined all those years ago. Just a shame i've not been around a lot recently.

I guess the think i'm mostly worried about, is that I'm going to revert back to thinking i am actually a TS, needing to be in my true body, and start down the route to wanting to follow this through.
At the end of the day though, I couldn't afford the bill to pull my stuff out of storage, so another month without Rachel, but another month looking at clothes and things which I'm sure will look lovely on her!

Ah well.

Its late, and i've drunk a bit, so i'm going to call this a night and take my "sexy" ass to bed. :D

Thanks once again ladies.

Hugs and kisses to all thats helped!
xxxx