It's not a choice..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Here is an interesting tidbit on my fave subject...me!


Anyway, i have 12 and 15 yr old daughters...over the last month i have seen my youngest get sadder and sadder and she tries so frickin hard to "support" me and although we spend lots of time together and there is alot of love in our family, she is suffering...and my ex has no problems hammering that into me too...this was starting to make me feel really terrible.

About 3 weeks ago i secretly started to wonder if i could go through with all this, and started to imagine how happy my kids would be if i just said i'm staying with you as dad, how i could avoid all the costs and physical pain...

As this thought crept up into my mind, I got serious about the thought and then I started to get more and more depressed to the point of going back to that crazy, miserable, depressed feeling i had prior to HRT and making the "decision" to transition..IT MADE ME FEEL EVEN WORSE to consider stopping my transition..

I've kept this totally to myself but over the last week i started thinking i'm better off dead, I have never ever ever considered actually killing myself btw so pls don't worry.. IN fact, I hate when i think what i call "death thoughts", and it only serves to make me more miserable...

The end result is that this mini crisis has reminded me that I really don't have much of a choice in all this. I was taking my relative calm for granted, and I found that to be strangely comforting.

So I gave up my fantasy of going back to my old life and I have felt much better and together. ALL of that terrible circular thinking is just gone again...

Of course, I still get sad about my kids, and i'm pretty lonely but it's like anything in life, I just have to deal with it. I dont just want to live my female life, I have to.

You are the only folks that know this...thnx for listening.
Michele

[Patricia1]

I really feel for you - it's tough enough having taken all the steps you have to reach this point in your without laying guilt trips on yourself. You are being true to yourself; what else can you do? Your children will come to admire you for your courage when they realize the sacrifices you've made to be the one true thing you are. Strength of character is an admirable and rare trait. Be proud of that. I've felt as you have about certain decisions that I thought I would not make because it would be better for all concerned. The only thing is I left myself out of that thinking. When I realized, as you have, I knew my decision was the right one for me & everyone else too. Who else can you be if not yourself?

[Heatherx75]

When you wrote, "death thoughts" I said to myself, "Oh yeah, those..." I used to get those all the time. Just like an image that flashes into your head and you don't even know where it's coming from. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who ever got those.

I also understand how you feel about not transitioning. Whenever I think seriously about it, I have to ask myself, "well, what would I do with my life then?" And the answer is always some form of slow suicide like drugs and alcohol. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal either.

I'm sorry to hear that your 12-year-old is having a rough time dealing with this. Hopefully she'll come around.:hugs:

[dilane]

That's a critical age, adolescence.

For what it's worth, one very good TS friend transitioned w/teenagers, and the daughter had major problems: drugs, depression, suicide attempts, etc. Marriage also broke up. Son still isn't comfortable with her. (Kids still think of her and address her as Dad).

I would think that after age 18 it would be less traumatic, but who knows?

Tough choice, you or kids ...

[CharleneT]

Sweetie, if ever those thoughts about you being better off dead get stronger, please go talk to someone professional ...

I think a person in your situation has the harder row to hoe for sure. Teenage kids ... they are going thru so much change themselves, that watching anything in their parents change has to be difficult. In the end, they will respect and love you more for honesty, but the inbetween must be hard (for you and them both). I would try and talk to them about those issues if they are willing. I don't know much about your life, but if it is possible, a "go it slow transition" might be a good idea for all.

Good luck and feel free to vent to us anytime :hugs:

Charlene

[Sharon]

I was at the same point two-and-a-half years ago, Michele, and, thankfully, I made the same decision you have. The most important thing for your kids is that you be happy in life and that you continue to be the same outstanding parent you appear to be.

[Zenith]

No it is not a choice...I hear where you are coming from :hugs: I would have been so much better off just being born female or being born male and not wired female...but I wasn't given that choice...GID is not a choice...

How you choose to live is the choice...inaction and a miserable male...or facing what is in your heart and finding the courage to be who you are...

It's pretty overwhelming Michele...don't try to get a handle on everything at once...it is called transitioning for a reason...and for heaven's sake...keep away from the death thoughts...the world would not be served being deprived of a happy self-actualized you...

[pamela_a]

I understand very well what you are going thru Michelle, I find myself in a similar position. My wife recently told me how everyone would be so happy if I would "give it up". As I thought about it I too started to wonder if it was really worth all of the trouble and pain. Isn't it really better if I'm the only one miserable and everyone else is happy? Am I really that selfish that I have to put my happiness and peace of mind ahead of the rest of the family? I had lived a lie for nearly 50 years before I understood and accepted who I am and survived, I can do it longer.

I started thinking about going back and the more I thought about it the more I realized I couldn't. If I had to go back to being "him" I wouldn't bother going on at all. In a lot of ways the only thing holding me together sometimes is the thought of next year when my 17 year old son is finished with high school and I can move forward with my dream of at least living full time as a woman.

Sorry to hijack it with my rambling, but it just hit so close to home....

Hugs

-Paula-

[Sally2005]

Do you know what is making your daughter sad? It could be that she doesn't have anyone who has the same issues to talk with. It seems to me, from what you said, your wife and kids believe you do have a choice so maybe you have to make them understand the decision is already made. I've gone through depressing times at home and each family member can feed negativity to the others...you need to break the cycle and outlaw negative comments, compalints and thoughts in your house. Everyone has to do at least one positive activity each day.

[Melinda]

Michele, please stay strong and positive. You know how to contact me if you need someone to talk to. It must be so hard for everyone. Just try to remember that they're suffering because they love you. If they didn't it wouldn't matter so much. Just keep reminding them you love them and will always be there for them no matter what you look like or what name you are using. Even though you may not be "Dad" anymore you'll always be their father and can give them the same love and support you always have. Once they truly realize that then love will win out. I believe in you.

[Empress Lainie]

Michele you need to tell your daughter in a private talk, that no matter what your gender, you are still her dad, and still love her, and you are still the same person you always were but now can express your real self outwardly.

I don't object to my kids calling me dad even though they know I have lived as a female for nearly two years now. (Just so they don't do it in public, but since they don't live here not likely!)

[Veronica_Jean]

Michele,

I have three daughters, the youngest just turned 16. All teens go through a big adjustment as they go through puberty, dealing with all the same changes we do, but at an age of less capability and ability to deal with it.

I had an experience where I was away in another state for about 6 months. After I returned I too had the "death thoughts". I even devised a plan and shared it with my wife. She explained to me that my children would never survive me going away forever, and they would be fine as long as their Dad was there in some form even being a woman.

I know you all are going through a rough time and I doubt it will change soon. Just keep loving them and let them know this is not a choice, and you are doing what you need to be in their lives.

:hugs:

Veronica

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Thnx for all the kind words....I can remember months ago i posted about how happy I was to finally be able to tell them and that "I lived through it", I knew that we all loved each other then, and we still love each other and that is what keeps me going...

Over time, its so hard to watch them struggle with it in their own ways...the bottom line is that I will be very patient...hey it took me almost 40 yrs to accept this and I will always be there for them regardless of how they deal with this.

I got alot of flak for doing this during their teenage years, but it was time...it was over for me one way or the other, and I am going down the path of living my own life, being happy with myself, and doing everything I can to help my kids, even if that creates distance for a period of time..

So thnx for support! I hope my kids can find this kind of support

:hugs:
Michele

[Karen564]

Michele,
I'm in the same exact boat your in now with your youngest daughter, mine is 13 and has been having a really hard time dealing with this, both my Ex & myself are trying to find her some professional help to talk about it, because I'm afraid she just going into a more serious state of depression as more time goes on, so it's gone beyond any help my Ex or I can give to her at this point, we've tried everything that was suggested, but she doesn't really want to talk about it..so after she does receive some help, my therapist will be able to talk with her & hopefully help her some more..

So far my oldest girl has still been taking it extremely well, she's turning 16 next Friday, so it's like a night & day difference between the two on how their handling it personally, and dealing with me..

Best wishes to both you & your girls, I hope it gets better for everyone soon..
:hugs:

[Melissa A.]

I'm really proud of you, Michele, for what it's worth. For having the strength to be honest with your feelings, face your doubts, and realise that you aren't any good to those you love when you're miserable. The only choice we have is to hopefully find the wisdom to be honest about who we are, and the genuine vulnerability to know we aren't excused from being human about it. Those who call us selfish, who haven't a clue what it can feel like to walk around with the anxiety, sadness and pain of gender dissonance, and don't even try to find some empathy, well, I'll be nice and say they really tee me off. Continue to love your children with all of your heart. They'll know. Good for you for realising it takes real patience. Would that every so-called adult in our lives would give us at least that. I'm rooting for you, sister!

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Starling]

Michele, your big, wide smile says who you are. That person deserves to live and grow, not only for your sake, but for everyone who knows and loves you.

:hugs:Lallie

[TerryTerri]

Michele,
Thanks so much for sharing what you did. I have 2 sons (7 & 5), 1 daughter (11), 1 adopted son (17) and 3 other step-sons (15, 21, 23). There's also a 2 year old grandkid in the equation. And, I'm still happily married. I'm at a strange spot on my journey and without realizing it, I think I really needed to hear the simple truth about it not being a choice. I am attempting to figure a way to come to peace, acceptance and comfort with all this without transitioning. I'm not sure I will be successful. But, with everthing involved it's worth a try.
Right now I have been on hormones for almost 3 months. What a wonderful world of difference. My doctor is very happy with my recent tests. Appears I'm a healthy gu ... uh, person! And my testoterone and estorgen levels are very good. The emotional comfort I'm getting just from taking hormones is really wonderful. I used to 'dress-up' because it made me feel comfortable inside and not fractured. I'm getting that same comfort without having to dress-up. It's really wonderful, but oxymoronic. While on HRT I don't feel like I 'need' to take them, I'm comfortable and do not yearn (spelling) like I used to. But, if I stopped taking the hormones' it just wouldn't be a pretty picture!
Anyway, at this moment on my trip, I appear to be in a good safe place. I'm comfortable, things are managable, I'm not having to confuse a lot of other souls and cause some not easy adjustments to my kids (I personally believe that transitioning does not HARM any others. Causing the ones that love us to readjust to our true gender is not harm!, alhough it ain't easy either. Any significant others or kids trying to put a guilt trip about the harm a transitioner is creating needs an education. IMHO). And all that other stuff. However, I don't know if I've found my place or if this is just a step along the way. My therapist warned me well (although I already understood) before she recommended hormones that if I start taking hormones, she really can't predict how far down the path it may lead me. Going through a full transition my not be an option for me at some point in the future. But, I knew that before I set foot in her door.
By the way, I'm really working on all these gender issues as an inside job. What really is being female or being male? What's the essence of this stuff? My goal is to be me. So, to me, it's not about dressing up 'like' a girl or doing anything else 'like' a girl or a boy. It's just figuring out, without a gender context, what is me and what isn't me. I want to become myself. That may be (good chance anyway) that I will have to transition for that to happen, and it may not. I'm on my journey and your words (Michele) were just something I feel I needed to hear.

Terri

PS. Some of you will wonder about remaining presenting as a male and yet develop obvious female physical traits (boobs, butt, loose upper-body strength, etc.) Without being my normal verbose self I'll just assure all that I have figured those obstacles out. And, my wife is supporting me with this, although it is not what she would prefer, she understands fairly well and Loves me anyway! I consider myself very lucky and blessed about that!

PSS. My male name is Terry Joe (probably wasn't too hard to figure that one out). When I was meditating and searching about what to do for a name, I felt lucky that I had a non-specific gender name. It just seems to fit into the scheme of my journey to only change the spelling