How do you deal with feelings about your old self at transition

[Empress Lainie]

This subject came up in a group I attend. I am curious how different people handle their old other sex self after and during transition.

I have heard some say they grieve for the other person. In my case I am just so happy to finally be myself that I give it little thought. But then I think about the male pictures of me in the bedroom, and think, should I keep them out, and replace them with female me? I would not remove pictures of my now dead wives (2) and my ex who won't see me as a woman or a man but whom I still have strong feelings for.

In some ways sometimes I am sad that Alan isn't here anymore, but believe me Lainie is much happier than Alan ever was.

So just wondered the thoughts of other people that are also TS. Thanks.

[Zenith]

I don't know Lainie...I'm still dealing with it...but as you I am much happier...I think I'll just try to take the best parts of my male side and keep and treasure them...but leave behind the unhappiness, repression, pictures that never were me...etc...

The good parts of Alan will live on in Lainie...:hugs:

[MJ]

like you I give it little thought. I am much happier as marissa why look back ?

[Veronica_Jean]

Hi Lainie,

I am the strange one when it comes to this. I have a strong tie to my family and he is part of that tie. He helped make my children, and I also have a lot of my history that is from him.

I am not a GG. I am TS and that involves a male image for a long time in my life and rather than hide that away or throw it out, I will try to embrace it and integrate it into my future.

My children call me Dad despite my appearance. I'm sure that will shock some folks, but I guess they simply will have to deal with it, because I am their Dad, and that was the only thing they havea asked of me in all this. I owe them way more than that.

Veroncia

[Lisa Golightly]

My personality was always that of Lisa... I've never been one to see myself as two people... Plus I'd been 24/7 and answering to Lisa for a long time so there was nothing to say goodbye to really... apart from an interest in women and a few scruffy clothes.

The only person I had trouble with was my bestfriend and that was more him trying to understand why I wanted to transition rather than any radical changes... He'd gone out with me in femme mode quite a few times anyway.

So Andy was just a name I didn't like... 'Strong and manly'... They couldn't have picked something more inapropriate. :) Lisa was their choice too... seemed a natural switch.

How can you grieve for the man who never was?

Lisa x

[Heatherx75]

You know, my therapist suggested a while back that I write a sort of "goodbye letter" to my old self, just to get the feelings out. I thought about it for a bit and then I said to myself, "who am I saying goodbye to? I'm not saying goodbye to anyone. No one is going away." I desperately wanted to be Heather when I was 5 and I began to KNOW that I was meant to be Heather when I was 10 to 12. Things happened around that time, mainly the family finding out about these leanings and I had to suppress it, and did so for about 20 years, but I was never anyone else but Heather. My family never said I had to be anyone in particular, but they made it clear who they wanted me to not be- me.

[noeleena]

Hi.. My name says it . so i dont have a hard time of being me ... no-el.. noeleena... It had been susgisted i change my names . i said no . because another name will not be me & who i am . so i retain my name .s. jos stil calls me noel . when other people are about its noeleena.. Funny as it is my name is fem . any way ... male or female . Do i need to part with my past .. it is who i am . even if there are some parts i did not like . . i.m not talking about my body . just me as a person ...* how i went about things .. now i can look at that as learning to be a different person . as a women with a male back ground .. so no my past is who i am to day . different ...... OH yes... just 61 years of it .....
...noeleena...

[John]

hmm... I don't see it as there was a seperate female person being 'me' before I transitioned. I'm 'me', I've always been 'me', even when I didn't know exactly what 'me' was, now I'm just 'me' with a better informed gender identity and a shiny new name. The other 'me' was and is still 'me'. I've no animocity twards my past self (other than the ocasional 'how did it take you so long to realise, you nonce!').

That said, I don't like having a lot of picture around of me before transition, it's a reminder of confusing and miserable times.

[Sharon]

There's nothing to miss or grieve for, I couldn't stand the f****r. :Angry3:

:p :p

Seriously though, I am still the same me, for better and for worse, as I have always been..., only much, much, much happier and friendlier and outgoing and.... :)

[MJ]

There's nothing to miss or grieve for, I couldn't stand the f****r. :Angry3:

:p :p

Seriously though, I am still the same me, for better and for worse, as I have always been..., only much, much, much happier and friendlier and outgoing and.... :)

Sharon,

Your so Bad

[Melissa A.]

When my brother and I had our first serious talk about this after letting him know, he cried alot, and said that he and I are so much a part of who the other is, he doesnt know what he's going to do without me. Boy, that was painful. He now knows, cerebrally, that I'm not really going away, and I'm not going to change. I've always felt that way. My male life was frustrating, sad, miserable most of the time, and certainly not all it could have been because of all that. But I did have some happy experiences and relationships. And I always had a loving, supportive family, and I think that does make a huge difference. Now, my brother is still struggling somewhat, but he knows I'm not going away, and we'll always remain close. I think that aspect of all of this has been alot harder on others than it is on me.

hugs,

Melissa:)

[Shikyo]

There is no other me, only this one. This makes no feelings to deal with, besides other issues, but that's already another question.

[Teresa Amina]

As a childless widow it was pretty easy to walk away from the guyness. It was mostly an act (poorly done at that!) anyway so becoming Me was easy

[Diane24]

I mentioned this in another thread, but it might bear repeating here in this topic.
After SRS and really getting on with my new life, several people who knew of my background and former life were discussing with me how I felt about leaving my former persona behind and beginning anew. I don't remember who of the group suggested it, but it seemed right to me to put the former me (David) to rest. So, on a beautiful summer day we all gathered at my place for a final toast to David. I placed an engraved stone (David 1970-1998) in the flower garden. We all sprinkled a little of our champagne on the stone and bid him "Farewell!."
Being David wasn't all that bad, I just really wanted to be Diane. I have many fond memories as David and am thankful that he was strong enough to let me become who I am today.

Every so often, my friends (who know) come by for a party and we always go out to "visit" David.
Maybe I'm some kind of nut-case to have done this, but my mind is at ease with my life: before and after surgery.

Diane

[Sejd]

Hi Empress
I just returned from a visit to my son, his wife and our first granddaughter in Australia. AU is definitely a place where you see a lot of "manly men". I decided to dress female on the whole trip. On one day however, I dressed pretty male and as we were having a beer at a restaurant in a small town I went to the "Lou" as they call it Down Under. I used the male rest room, and as I was leaving, three or four guys entered to take a leak. I looked at them and realized that they looked to me as if they were completely different species than I am, like from another planet. I snug out fast. On and off on this vacation I was torn with the same thoughts you address here. But even when it is hard and seems impossible what we are doing, I still would not change back to being or feeling like a misplaced gender. I do so much better in society and among people as female Sejd.
But of course, for most of us, this is a very difficult change in our lives. Both for us and for the ones we love. :hugs:

[Beth-Lock]

Recently, I had to dress in male mode for once in a long time, and felt bad afterwards, when I was at home and changed back. It was just for three or four hours that I was in male mode, but it still had that effect.
Sometimes I wonder how I got here, but that is different. Not an unpleasant feeling at all.
It is a funny life.

[SirTrey]

Good question, Lainie....For me, I am so much happier now that it makes it hard to look at the old pictures because in some ways, I see my former life as a lot of "wasted time", although I did what I had to do (I think) so that my kids could have a more "normal" life....I just look at "her" and see a very sad person who carried around a secret for a lot of years....but I can deal with it at the same time because I love my kids and, therefore, can't regret the first part of my life, right or wrong as it was for me....if that makes a damn bit of sense....LOL It really is a confusing life, isn't it?

[Cathii]

My children call me Dad despite my appearance. I'm sure that will shock some folks, but I guess they simply will have to deal with it, because I am their Dad, and that was the only thing they havea asked of me in all this. I owe them way more than that.

My two girls call me Dad as well and I am still proud to be their father. I have been asked many times, "Why don't they call you Mum?" and the answer is simple, they already have a Mum and I am not it! :)


On one day however, I dressed pretty male and as we were having a beer at a restaurant in a small town I went to the "Lou" as they call it Down Under.

Ummm we only call it the loo in polite company. Around our house it is more affectionately known as the 'thunder box' or 'dunny', among some other less savory names. What ever you do, if you are in Australia never call it the 'bathroom' or 'restroom'.

Oh and the men in Australia might look pretty blokey, but don't let looks deceive you. They really are just pussycats underneath it all.


I am curious how different people handle their old other sex self after and during transition.

So many people have said it before me, but it bares repeating. There is only me. I have no other self. I quite simply don't 'handle my old sex self'. I have photos of myself and my girls as they were growing up all around the house. If someone asks me about something that happened when I was still presenting male, I don't change my story to fit my current image. I still see a great many friends from my boy days. In short I always was and will be until the day I die the same person, I just dress better now... :)

I don't see that I personally have anything to 'handle'. I did however have to help a few other people come to terms with my transition, not the least of which was my mother.

[Sarah...]

This is a timely thread. I've just started discussing, with my sister, how we say "goodbye" to Andy. The thing is, I don't need to say goodbye as such. I'm me and always have been. Trying to be the male everyone said I was caused all the issues in my life. Being me has put that stuff aside - I function properly now. However, I cannot deny that some of my family would like to say goodbye to Andy - however false a personality he was. So I'm happy to do this with them, together. I'm happy to do this because they recognise that I'm a woman, they accept me wholly as a part of their life but they need a way to close the previous chapter so that they can progress with the next one.

I'm already on the next chapter.

Interestingly, like others here, my kids still call me "dad". They refer to me as "she" when the sentence calls for it, they hear my partner and friends calling me Sarah and they use my name when not speaking to me directly. I kinda like that because it means I'm not denying that they are my biological kids and neither are they but at the same time there is no elephant in the room - we all know I'm Sarah. We all seem to be moving on.

So, I'm not grieving the loss of Andy. My family would like to say goodbye but they are not mourning that loss either. The only one mourning a loss is me - I sometimes find myself overcome with a great sense of loss over the life I so nearly had but lost when I failed to transition at my first opportunity.

I suspect that the event or occasion at which my family and I will say goodbye to Andy will also be a celebration of my life as Sarah.

Yep, it most certainly is complicated.

Sarah xxx

[Cathii]

The only one mourning a loss is me - I sometimes find myself overcome with a great sense of loss over the life I so nearly had but lost when I failed to transition at my first opportunity.

That is a feeling that I, and I am sure a great many others share with you. :straightface:

[Empress Lainie]

I thank all of you for sharing your views with me and the other forum members.

I was the last one to know I was really female all my life, just like some of the others, and I know one transman who just decided to transition, and he was sort of disappointed that all of his friends and family were not surprised but asked him why did he wait so long!

My journey I just posted in journals tells my tale. Yes, I wish I had done it sooner, heck, I wish I had been born female to tell the truth.

So I hope more members will post their feelings about their old life. I am I think fairly well integrated with myself, I have seen my priorities change, and some of my interests change.

I don't like the way I looked male except when I wore wigs, but I have actually come to have a better feeling about how I did look and not hate it quite as much as I used to.

Things like last night when I was out with my SO (ts) and my old gf, and I went to get the wine from the bar and this lady walked by me and said: "You look glorious tonight," really make me feel good. She has said I get more compliments on my looks than she does, and believe me she looks like a young Eva Gabor.

[Jena11]

Well, In my adventures with speech therepy, I was asked to bring pictures to from my life and things to talk about, The most recent students I worked with had not seen me as a male at all, I was at first very hesitant but then I thought this is to help me not cause stress, I told them how I felt and brought the pictures and a video from work (not out at work yet) It was nice to have the support and it gave me a sence of feeling that I do not have to run as fast or completely exile my old male self, It is part of what makes me who I am today, It was not very easy but now I see it was a test for me and it is how I have become the true me. Some of my friends have said that they are still confused and see me as John, but with talking with them to help them better understand they all can see that I have for sure changed and can see that I look happy when I never did before. I can agree that it would be very easy to just forget all of the past but I have blocked so many memories of my life that it has slowed my transition process and not been good for me. Now, I just have to embrace who I am and where I am going. Jen

[Beth-Lock]

Sarah, I heard that one church held a service for friends and relatives of someone changing genders, before the fact. It was to say goodbye to the male person. Though I did not attend it, I think that must have been nice.

[Sejd]

I am still who I have always been. I don't see a shift in my personal core, just a journey into greater awareness. Now I let my soul dance in the glory of my femaleness, but my heart is still the same, my obstacles has increased and with my knowing of my gender situation life can sometimes seem unbearable. I don't see how I will ever become fully female, and I know I was never fully male. For me that's the understanding of the word Dysphoria. Personally, I find this hard to deal with, but it's OK, because this IS what I have to deal with.
Millions of people around the world don't even know where to get their next meal. In the big picture of life. Our problems are nothing. :daydreaming:

[SirTrey]

Personally, I find this hard to deal with, but it's OK, because this IS what I have to deal with.
Millions of people around the world don't even know where to get their next meal. In the big picture of life. Our problems are nothing. :daydreaming:


Absolutely, positively right....and it's easy to forget that when we get caught up in our own problems.... We all have problems, but we have to remember that there is always someone out there worse off....Thank you for that reminder, Sejd. :thumbsup:

[kellycan27]

He just wasn't me... Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

[Jennifer Marie P.]

I just give it a little tought the past is past and I'm more happier as Jennifer.

[Staciej]

male/female life is same even tho hes dead to me, Stacie is who I am,was,and always will be.

[Patricia1]

There's nothing to miss or grieve for, I couldn't stand the f****r. :Angry3:

:p :p

Seriously though, I am still the same me, for better and for worse, as I have always been..., only much, much, much happier and friendlier and outgoing and.... :)

Drop dead funny = thanks for the laugh. Not too far from serious, I'll bet. That's the thing about humor.

[Empress Lainie]

Guess I can add a little more. I feel nothing male about me and I have been told that by close friends also. So I am all woman except for the small things I would like to change, and I consider myself totally a transwoman even though not likely to ever have surgery. Donations gladly accepted, send directly to Marci Bowers in my name! (Bet this gets deleted or edited.)

[Sharon]

Donations gladly accepted, send directly to Marci Bowers in my name! (Bet this gets deleted or edited.)

I'll take that bet and I expect payment immediately (small bills preferred). Hey, if someone wants to donate to you, then that's on them. Just be sure to post your name and pertinent information. :D

[Empress Lainie]

Thank you Sharon. I should give the crossdressers.com owners at least 10%.

[Louistoalana]

I am still very much torn between Louis and Alana. I want to become Alana but I am used to everyone being used to Louis. I have thought about running away to somewhere where no one knows me and start living life as Alana.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

have only been on hormones for two day's now. While waiting to get on the hormones etc., the thought's of whether I'm doing the right thing surface from time to time, they don't last long. I feel that this is the right thing for me. As far as feelings for my soon to be male side, they will always be there, but I will look forward to my future life as Kimberly, more than my past as Mike. :battingeyelashes:

[Rachel E]

Rember the GOOD times and forget the bad times. You are the suvivor of the tragity of the past. You are the new you and now it is time to move on into the new world. It is your creation and only you can now control it...
ENJOY
Rachel E
Spokane, Wa:love:

[crystalann]

I am not sure how to answer this and times I see my old self and feel it will be with me forever. Then there are times I have a hard time doing any of the things I did before. At times I feel I am becoming a new person but she’s always been in me. I only hope to leave all the old baggage behind for me that’s anything male.

[Jena11]

Well, for me when I first starting really just being me, I wanted to forget the past completely and have no thoughts, pictures, memories, and when I was asked to share a video that I did for work at speech class, I was hesitant because they had not seen me as male before. I told them after the fact that I was somewhat uncomfortable with it but I felt better after sharring it. Also, talking with a couple of close friends and one who has know me for 17 years said it is difficult because she still see's me as John. I told her that I had wanted to completely forget the past and not have anything to do with it but I somehow have come to realize that it is part of who I am and it may have helped me on my journey to finaly be me. She has also said that I look much better as a woman and that I seem happy much more. It is very true that I was not happy as John, and I do not want to be seen that way. Life was always put on the fake or lie and now I do not have to. I am so much more open and things are much better for me. My last challenge is work and I will be taking that on hopefully by the end of the year. I do not grive or say good bye because I am still the same person just much better for me and the rest of the world. Jen

[Dawn D.]

There is no problem for me in how I handle the old me. I don't even think about "him" anymore. It doesn't matter that old pictures are everywhere in our home. Or that I haven't completed the tossing out of all of his old clothes. I do however have memories of the lifetime of being "him". For the most part I wouldn't change any one of those memories. Doing so would invalidate the love and enjoyment I have had for my wife, kids and friends. Rather than dwell on the old me, I just am more happy and worry free being the new/real me with the same familiar surroundings; wife, family, friends, work and all!

Some of the family and friends portion are in fact having some difficulty in letting go of "him". Slowly but surely though, they are being more accepting of the new and improved version, lol! It's the only real choice they have anyway, if we are to maintain a realtionship. I rather have a hard line in that regard 'cause I absolutely refuse to go anywhere or do anything unless I am the real me. If someone has issue with that, it's their problem not mine. I've proved my point all that I need too toward those in my circle that I can and am surviving as the real me through this RLE. Who needs "him" anymore anyway!



Dawn