Rolling the Dice?

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Hi Sisters:

well in the next 2 weeks i will reach to milestones; 1) i will turn 54 yrs old
,2)i will celebrate my 25th wedding aniversary.
as you may have guessed i am a closet crossdresser, i know this is something
i should have told my wife about when i met her not now. but lately the urges
to dress are becoming overwhelming and i can't hide it much longer.
for the most part our marriage has been a good one, 2 lovely son's and blessedwith good health and somewhat prosperous.
anyway's i am looking for advice or other sister's story(s) of when they
told their wives about their cding?
whose marriage survived, whose didn't?
any advice,prayers and good wishes are welcome, this is really turning
my insides inside out.
thanks for listening.

Love and Peace

Giselle Reeves

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Giselle

When I told my wife I did not have the benefit of this forum and all the good advice
I had to gamble on what I thought would be the best way to tell my wife and yes we are still together

If you read the link in my signature you will find a lot of good advice which will help you

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Giselle (pretty name)-

Well, fwiw, about 6 years ago I came out to my wife. It was the year of our 20th anniversary. So far, our marriage is still intact, not that we didn't have our issues and who knows, may have some in the future. Over being TG, that is. My wife has been understanding, helpful and supportive of my gender expression, however, if she could slip some anti-TG pill into my coffee and make me forget all about it, I'm sure she would. Personally, though, if such a pill were available and it were offered to me, I would pass.

So anyway, before I totally ramble off in some other direction, I just want to say that many marriages survive just fine, if not with total acceptance, then often with various degrees of compromise and toleration. Then again, some marriages implode completely, it all depends on other factors in the marriage, at least that's what I think.

Giselle, I wish you the best on your journey no matter where it leads. You are in a great place to find support, advice and friendship. There are lots and lots of girls here who have negotiated that path or are on it right now. Good luck.

Hugs...Joni Marie

[TSchapes]

I'm proud of you that you are contemplating this very important step. I can't relate any "How my wife found out stories" because she knew when we were dating.

But some general advice. Be ready with the answers to the common questions:

Why didn't you tell me this before?
Are you gay?
Do you want to have a sex change?
Will I loose my husband?
Will you still treat me like a lady and take me out as your male self?
Do you plan to go out dressed? Isn't that dangerous? What will the neighbors say, etc...

These seem to be the most common questions. And by all means, GO SLOW. If she doesn't want to see you dressed, don't push it. If she doesn't want to talk about it right away give her some space. But on the other hand, don't allow it to be the elephant in the middle of the room either.

I hope this helps, and good luck! Please keep us informed as to how it goes!

Love, Tracy :love:

[RWillow]

Giselle,

I had the same feelings as you, I have been married for 47 years, a cd for 63 years and I felt I had to tell my wife before she found out on her own. I tried to tell her many time over a 2 week period in Jan. of this year, then one day I just up and blurted it out, "I'm a crossdresser". Her reaction was "Oh yeah", nothing more at that time. I have followed the advice of so many of the girls here and took it easy, no pushing and not an overload of information on her.

I won't lie and say everything has been good, it has been up and down, everything from her threatening to leave to not talking to me for more than a week. I formed a plan of attack to deal with the problems, all based on the advice I received here, everything I was told has worked. Foremost keep the lines of communication open, talk to your wife and do it often. Listen to her and work to understand how she feels, you have just dropped a huge bombshell on her, put yourself in her shoes, try to think how you would feel if you were told she was a cd. My wife thinks that I am going to leave and transition or worse throw her out so I can live the lifestyle that I seem to enjoy. I work hard every day to show her that I am not going to leave.

Every situation is different, you are going to have to use common sense when talking to your wife, try to make her feel at ease when you talk about cd'ing. DO NOT show her pictures of you dressed and DO NOT dress in front of her unless she requests it.

I love my wife very much and I am trying my best not to hurt her any move than I already have. I have explained that this is not something 'new' or something that I am just 'trying for kicks', I have explained my feelings as best I could. Looking back over the past 4 months, it has been difficult but I am glad I told her.

I wish you the very best. Please feel free to PM me if there is anything I can do.

Hugs
Renyta

[LilSissyStevie]

You might consider that this isn't the silver anniverary present she's expecting and pick a more neutral time to tell her.

[LisaM]

I agree with Stevie--I would pick a neutral time to tell her.

As for me, I told my wife after 10 or so years of marriage and I regret that I waited that long because it wasn't fair to either of us-but especially her.

What I remember the most was that I was incredibly emotional and yet at the same time i was very prepared. I had books and places she could visit to learn about my condition. I had been going to a therapist and my therapist said that she would be able to talk to us as a couple or give some names of therapists for my SO to visit herself.

My SO realized that I had something that was really bothering me and she also realized it was something that I was hiding for a long time. She was somewhat prepared to find out something although being a CD or TS was not at the top of the list.

In the end I was able to answer her questions and point her in directions that she could get some more answers.

Her biggest fears were would I want to divorce; would I want to transition; would I want to dress in front of friends and neighbors. When I was able to reassure her that I wanted to stay together and not expose myself (and her) then she was better able to try to learn about this condition.

[FluffyPersian]

You might consider that this isn't the silver anniverary present she's expecting and pick a more neutral time to tell her.

I agree. I also think you should think about your motivation; are you thinking of telling so you can dress more and escalate? If that's the case, your wife may not appreciate it.

[Deedee Dupree]

You might consider that this isn't the silver anniverary present she's expecting and pick a more neutral time to tell her.

One more ditto... this could set you back more than you might imagine. Firure out your timing so your presentation will cause as little distress as possible.

[Karren H]

Its taken years to restore the trust lost on that horrific day that my wife found out 3 years ago.. And were still together and its been rough.. She not approving and never will be.. But I don't blame her for that.. She did not sign iup for this..

She knows I still dress.. But as long as I keep it out of her face then she's a happy girl.. So I always say.. The truth isn't for everyopne.. Its not the magic pill.. Truth will set you free.. But it may also set you free of your family, money friends.. And current way of life so be very very careful!!

[Annie D]

There are many of us, like you, who for fear of losing the one person we love the most did not tell our life long secret. My wife and I have been married 18 years and I hid my secret for the first eight years. Yes, there were many questions and sadness in the beginning but as they say, "time heals all wounds" and our relationship is getting stronger and stronger as time passes. As she has learned more about my fetish and realized that I am still the same or better partner than when we first met and later married. Be honest about your feelings and be sure to consider her feelings. Good luck and keep us posted.

[jennCD]

anyway's i am looking for advice or other sister's story(s) of when they told their wives about their cding?
whose marriage survived, whose didn't?
any advice,prayers and good wishes are welcome, this is really turningmy insides inside out.
thanks for listening.

Love and Peace

Giselle Reeves

I told my wife 2 years ago, before we'd been married for 10 years. We are still married and I'd expect we'll simply grow old and die together, regardless of her discomfort and inability to come to terms with the idea that I am TG (her preference is to not think about it or be reminded of it) considering I did not tell her up front (as though it wasn't something I'd wished I could share in the beginning but could never find the inner strength to open up).

There are no hard and fast rules for this; everyone is different so every situation will be difficult. More often than not, there will be difficulties over time but if your relationship is strong and based in mutual respect, then feasibly nothing should permanently damage it.

Good luck to you both,

:)
jenn

[anna kate]

Told my wife in our 25th year, now are together 43 years. Go slow, be sincere and truthful. With the info you have at your finger tips today, you should be able to answer a great deal of her questions. Probably not all though. You are about to find out what it means to be asked a "pointed question". You'll most likely be accused of lies and such. Without a doubt, it's the hardest thing (outside of burying a child) I've ever done. If there is love in your marrage, it will be tested. It will also help you both through this. After all the years you have been together, she doesn't want to throw away the marrage either.
Now let's think positive, When she comes around to sort of going along with you, she will want to set up boundaries for you. My suggestion is to stay within the agreed upon boundaries. (ie stay in the house) When you need to escalate beyond, don't just do it, talk to her (something you should have been doing since the onset of this) and negotiate new boundaries. She'll probably be more willing to change limits down the line.
Having been where you are, I don't envy you. I'm a firm believer in what you are about to do, now that I have done it. I wish you both all the best of what heaven and earth have to offer to carry you through this.
I'm not the most literate person in the world, but this comes from the heart, so I hope my rambling on is a help to you. Huggs, Anna Kate

[TerriM]

Hi
Married 37yrs, told my wife when we were married 10yrs. Shock is putting it mildly of how she reacted. We had 3 kids then we had two more. She still has not seen Terri. But I get out about 1x a month in my femme mode and go away in October to Provincetown Mass. Its not perfect but it works. I love her and she loves me.

Terri

[vikki2020]

Yes, by all means celebrate your anniversary without any extra baggage involved. 25 years is a pretty big deal, and congratulations to you both!:drink: :thumbsup: I told my wife 2 years ago, and at first, it went very well. Then I guess it sunk in on her, and then not so well. She will tolerate my dressing, but she has no desire to hear about it, see anything about it or talk about it.Things between us are pretty much unchanged, but then there is some tension related to my dressing.We have come to a happy medium, but it is a work in progress. Good luck!

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Hi Sisters:

i want to thank all of you for the lovely responses and support,as well as
those who caution me doing this around our 25th wedding aniversary(sometimes its good to be told what you don't want to hear).
i will indeed keep everyone informed of "how it goes", again thanks a
million for all your kind thoughts.

Love and Peace

Giselle Reeves

[mklinden2010]

I'll add to what's been said already that if you go about this as your problem, that you need help with - rather than some ticking time bomb neither of you wants to know about or deal with - things will probably go way better.

Like you, I've been on the planet for a long time. In that time, I have come out to several long-term SOs (before, and during a relationship) and it has never caused a break up. Mostly, I think, because I prepared myself to understand myself, and carefully considered what her point(s) of view might be, and took the heat upon myself for being "the one" with the problematic issue.

The helpful things seemed to be, (a) It's my problem, (b) your companionship was/is/will be important, (c) I wanted you to know when I knew it WAS time to tell you, (d) because I did not want anything bad to happen to YOU because I didn't tell you when I (finally) could. (Baby, I'm a dope!) Each time the response has been some amount of shock, some period of questioning (Where are we? How could this have happened? Oh, is that all that's bothering you?) to a general and then particular acceptance: "You're too big for it, but that's not too bad on you, all things considered."

Our long term SOs, of all the people on the planet, know well enough that we are not perfect and that, by now, they can't make us perfect. So, in the end, they work with what they have and things go along - especially if you take care of your business and don't screw up any more of theirs!

Expect some ups and downs in the relationship, as ever. but expect things to go better if you do the right thing and handle this now instead of letting it blow up on both of you at some random moment in the future.

There is no good answer later to, "Why the hell didn't you tell me before the cops showed up?"

Ha!

Just kidding.

Good luck.

[gender_blender]

It's a good lesson in being honest from the beginning for anyone.
I go on dates with females while dressed femininely or otherwise androgynously, so that it's not a potential issue in the future; I look rather feminine without makeup anyway.

Honesty is the best policy.

[sherib]

I told my wife over forty years ago. She still doesn't appoveand will not participate. She told me if the neighbors every found out and I embrassed the family its over.

[DonnaT]

Good luck Giselle.

I'll be 54 in a couple of weeks myself, and been married a bit over 33 years.

I told my wife soon after we were married, but this was after I had already dressed for her, something she seemed to like at the time.

Just don't do it that way. Dressing for her, that is.

Plan out everything you want to say, know the answers to questions you know she's likely to ask, be confident and don't show any shame or embarrassment for who you are.

[Crysten]

Well, I told my wife on our third or fourth date, two years before we were married.

Here's the thing - there really is no "easy" way to go about this, you just have to do it. Something along the lines of this I think:

"Honey there's something we need to talk about. It's been bothering me for years now, but I've felt kind of ashamed and a little disturbed by it, I thought I might ask your opinion. I have this overwhelming desire to wear womens clothing, and I'm not sure what to do - I know this is strange but what do you think? And no, I'm not gay in the slightest."

This opens it up to HER being able to voice what she thinks about it straight off, lets you off the hook a bit for hiding it, and lets her know that maybe you're not totally comfortable with it either.

Of course, her reaction will be the gage by which you figure out what to do after that.

It's worth a shot. Best of luck =)

Crysten