Checking in again

[kerrianna]

Hi y'all. I'm bad because I have wandered away and have neglected you all and every now and then I dance back in, whirl around and leave just as quickly. My life is so busy and my Live Journal is my main online time source these days. I find I have no time for forums, so I forget to check in on the ones I do belong to. I have a hundred notifications unread on my FaceBook page. Working full time is just evil. But I don't wish for otherwise, not right now, that's for sure!

So, if this post is out of line, I'm sorry. I just feel I have some old friends here I don't keep up with anymore and I want to share how things are going for me once in awhile, because it was this site that kind of got me pointed in the right direction a few years ago.

We're doing great. Carol is still healthy and doing well and she continues to be my best friend and soulmate and sticks by my side as my transformation continues.

I started estrogen in January, a very low dosage because at that point I was still being very cautious about what it was I wanted for myself. Concurrently, I have battled a bowel-stomach disorder that is still unresolved, although my GP doesn't think it's life threatening and my endocrinologist doesn't think HRT is to blame. We tried cutting the hormones off for a week and it didn't help. I've lost a lot of weight in the past 4 months so it is concerning, but it seems to have levelled off and otherwise I'm healthy and doing fine.

The estrogen was of immediate benefit and I was able to get my endo to increase it and we'll stay at that for a year probably. I noticed the jump right away and it put a huge smile on my face. :)

I finally got my hairpiece made. It was custom made for me and wasn't cheap, but I love it. It has made a huge difference already. This is a pic taken about 5 minutes after I got it a couple of weeks ago.
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My mom has been great about all of this and I think the hair has made a difference in finally getting some people to see me the way I know I am. I know it takes a long time for them to stop seeing me as male, and we're all getting tired of me correcting their pronouns. :straightface:

I'm not doing this in a very orderly fashion, because, well, I just don't work that way, lol! I'm kind of just following one foot after the other and marvelling at where this journey leads.

I decided because my Driver's License comes up for renewal in July I would get a letter from my gender therapist (she said she'd be happy to write it) recommending a gender marker change on the DL, from "M" to "F".
In doing so I realized I needed to change my middle name, because it is unequivocably male, and I decided to change my last name too, for a number of reasons. I worried my mom might not be very happy with me changing my last name and I had no idea what to use, when it hit me. My gramma was one of four amazing sisters all brought up in the early 20th century by a single mom who sounds like she was an amazing woman herself. The sisters played a huge part in the way our family, and I, deal with the world, so I wanted to honour that by taking my gramma's maiden name. My mom loved that idea!
And I decided to take my gramma's first name as my new middle name. It's also the female version of my late brother's first name, so it honours him too.

And then I decided I needed to officially change my first name a bit because it sounded a bit funny with my new last name. Officially it will be "Kerrianne".

I went back and forth between Kerrianna and Kerrianne, but decided Kerrianna was just a syllable too much. So my first names will be Kerrianne Christine. :)

The name change is in the works now. Hopefully all will be ok with it and it will be official in no more than a month.

So all of a sudden I decided the time seemed right to go 'fulltime'.
The thing is, I have been internally fulltime for quite awhile now, and I guess it's been hard to keep that in. Some people in my community think I am brave but really I'm just expressing my true self. I'm at a stage of my life where I can't hide from the world or my true self anymore, I can't worry about what others think or will do or say. I gotta be me.

So, I'm pretty much fulltime now, I tend to pass (I think!) without too much effort, most if not all of my friends, family and co-workers know and accept and embrace me, I am living much more fully and happily in life and making new friends all the time. It's going really well considering how haphazardly I approach life.

Certainly has been an incredible last few years, especially most recently. Last year at this time I was very much mired in trangst and could not see how I would ever be able to transition.
Now, I just know I will, I am.

Thanks for reading, hope all is well with my old friends.

Kerrianne

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[Kelli Nicole]

Hi Kerrianne :) Thank you for posting this lovely story about your life, or at least some the more recent major happenings going on with you. I was scanning over the list of "Today's threads"(I've rarely used this website, thinking it's for crossdressers only, which is fine, since I love all my cd friends(I'm transsexual, just starting to transition)...but, I think I'll start to swing by here more often, this seems like a kewl 'n happenin' place!), and I noticed your title, "Checking In Again", and, I thought, "Hey, that's kinda what I'm doing now on here...", so that's why I am here now, "checking in" also, and now, replying to your sweet "letter". :) I am so happy for you, Kerrianne! You seem like a very nice person, who "just"(yeah, we both know how sometimes difficult it can be--but, also how exhilarating it can be to be out and about as our true selves! :) ) wants to express her inner feelings to the outside world. I love your story of how you came about your name, that's very sweet! "Kelli" was the name of a local neighbor girl, and I was around 7, and I fell in love with it ever since! "Nicole" I liked because, well, it just "feels right" with Kelli--plus, it has other "uses", such as "Nikki". :D And, I'll be keeping my last name--Elam. I find it HIGHLY ironic that spelled backwards it's....see, isn't that interesting? :)

Well, I better go before this turns into a novel :D So nice to meet you, Kerrianne! Oh, and I hope you are feeling better, with your bowel problems. I know all about things like that, I had Crohn's Disease at one time(all clean now, thank goodness), and now I'm dealing with a different stomach ailment, but not nearly as serious. Oh, and duh--You look fantastic, girl! Love the red hair(I'm a headredded redhead myself :D )!! Ok I go now, take care, and if you'd like to stay in touch, I think that'd be great! Have a lovely day, Kerrianne, take care.

(Hugs),
Kelli

[deja true]

I was just starting on the forum when you started your 'sabbatical', Kerrianne, but I remember many of the heartbreaking and heartwarming things you wrote back then. About your indecision, about your 'trangst' (LOL!) and about your first tentative adventures getting out in the world.

Then I found you occassionally in other places as I followed various links from other friends here. But, as this is my regular 'hang out', I really missed you.

Please don't just check in from time to time, K. There are a lot of folks here who missed you and a lot of new ones who could surely benefit from your sensitive and reflective posts.

We're so glad that things are finally working for you... and that demon of indecision is gone. Keep us in mind, darlin'. There are hundreds here who care and can learn from your experience.

respect & love,

deja

:<3:

[kerrianna]

Hi Kelli, nice to meet you. Thank you for the sweet and kind words. :)
I pm'd you my email if you want to stay in touch.

HI Deja! Thank you for the warm welcome back.
I wish I could find more time and energy to post here, but I can barely keep up. But I'll try to find time to check in more often. :hugs:
Thank you! :love:

[Dawn D.]

Hi Kerrianne!

Like you I too have gone full time of recent! As well, I ma ready for my name change. Just haven't made it to the courthouse yet; dang job, anyway! Isn't it relieving to finally be yourself? I have never felt better about any decision that I have ever before made! Sure glad to hear that things a working out for you too! And, like you I don't spend as much time as I used to here either. It is nice though to check in now and again.

Concerning those hairpieces. Is it what's called a hair system? How long do they last? Are they worth the investment? Sure looks good on you girl!

Talk soon!


Dawn

[Eileen]

Congratulations Kerrianne! You have the look and your feet seem to be taking you in the right direction! Enjoy this new chapter in your life!

Eileen

[Sharon]

It's wonderful to see you again, Kerrianne, and I am so happy that all is going so well for you. And you look wonderful! :)

[kerrianna]

Hi Dawn, thanks! :)
Yeah, dang job gets in the way of a girl's desire to move forward! Maybe I should have put "marry rich guy" at the top of the list. :heehee:

The hairpiece is essentially a wig, only it's custom made for me from human hair. She matched it to my own hair colour and we agreed on a length, which is just slightly longer than my own hair right now. She measured my scalp for fitting and it took about ten days for it to be constructed.

I had originally thought it might be a little less voluminous along the sides and back, but when we saw it both the stylist and I didn't want to cut anything from it. I think if I want to reduce some bulk I'll go and get my own hair thinned out along the sides and back, because at least I know that will grow back. When you look at the wig itself it doesn't seem that voluminous. I think it's the combination of my own hair and the hairpiece that make it seem a little thick. Or maybe I'm just not used to having thick hair anymore, lol.

It should last me quite a few years if I look after it properly. Because I'm wearing it everyday, in a lot of different situations, it will get a good workout, so I'm hoping that in a few years it will still be looking fine. It cost enough that I can't afford to do another too soon. But who knows, maybe in a few years I'll want to change my style. It seems a bit 'young' for me, but I'm young at heart so I can bear that! :D

It is very lightweight and easy to wear, and the clips do a good job (when I get them right) of holding it. The only tricky part is I don't have much natural hair at the front so there's not much to clip onto, but I can use toupee tape to reassure me it won't tend to slide. And I can style it and do pretty much anything I would to my own hair. I'm happy with it. :)

Thank you Eileen. I know I have a long way to go (don't we always see the 'wrong' things in the mirror?) but I do seem to be passing fairly easily just as it is. I'm sure the look will just get better and more natural as time goes on. One thing that I've always noticed is that what you feel inside really does translate on the outside.

Hi Sharon! You look terrific! :)
Thank you. I do remember my logon still so I'll try to keep in touch.
Gosh, when I think of how confused and uncertain I was when I first joined here... it took forever to get the courage to join the TS section and then it was just to see how 'those people' felt and thought. Funny how I have ended up being one of 'those people', but I am eternally grateful to all of you for your honesty and kindness and sharing because it made it safe for me to let myself go and let truth finally surface.

I still have fears, but I no longer have Fear, that which ruled my life since childhood.

Namaste. :hugs::love:

[Sharon]

Funny how I have ended up being one of 'those people',

"One of those people" -- I like that. :)

[GypsyKaren]

'bout time you popped in...

Giraffe :wheelchair:

[kerrianna]

'bout time you popped in...

Giraffe :wheelchair:

Sorry Karen.
Did you get old waiting? :D

Hey, did you ever notice that staff and giraffe rhyme?
Oh of course you did! You are a poetic giraffe after all.

Hope all is well with you and the Katcha. Sounds like your plan to keep her busy is working. ;)