Out in the open and incredibly lonely.

[DaphneGrey]

If you have read any of my posts, you know that I am out have no problem shopping going out or anything like that.

Ironically I the more time I spend as Daphne the worse it gets.. This life for me is the headquarters of loneliness. I go out meet people do what I want have fun for a little while and come home.

Talk rarely goes beyond the superficial, people can be nice and thats great but it leaves me all very empty.

I have tried to make friends that go beyond this digital world but every time I reach out to someone they say Oh sure we can do this that go here and then it is all over some how they lose the email my phone got lost bla bla bla... and then they vanish! A month or two later you get a message saying cute shoes...

Recently I met a GG on this forum and we began to chat she asked for my advice and we became friends. I put myself out there answered all her questions gave her a shoulder to cry on we made plans to meet and guess what.. Her fascination with crossdressers came to an end oh well... Another one for the history books. Should have known better.

Do you ever get tired of being examined or treated like a pet or a Barbie doll?



The truth is I just cant stand it any more. I just want it all to end. It won't but I want it to.

I know there are a couple of girls who may read this that have asked me to meet them I do apologize I just don't believe it any more. been burned way to many times.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Daphne-

Girl, your post really touched me, I wish there were something tangible I could do besides simply expressing my sympathy and telling you that I understand, at least a little bit, how you feel. I know it's all the way across the country but my invitation to you still stands as I'm sure yours does to me.

Don't give up, hon. Lord knows I am no Pollyanna, far, far from it, but I do believe that things can suddenly change for the better just when we least expect it and are ready to give up on everything and everyone. I wish you the best, girl.

Hugs...Joni Marie

[sterling12]

I'm just a little confused. Do you want to meet a woman, or do you want to meet a friend, regardless of gender? Or, do you want to do both things?

Ah-hmmm, if the answer is "any gender friend or both;" may I suggest that you join a support group, if you haven't already done that. You will find many like minded people in The Group, and it's almost impossible for you not to make a good friend out of someone.

A GF or a GG Friend, that's a little more difficult. You could conceivably find a GG within a Support Group, but the odds are very good that it would be someone else's wife or GF. Trust me, unless platonic and you can keep things cool....you don't want to go there! Support Groups are seldom for "hooking up," and there are the usual consequences.

However, hope springs eternal. I have met quite a few women who are intrigued by us, or at least they don't have a problem with it. The process of finding "The One," is just about as frustrating as trying to find the right person under ANY conditions. Much like a quest for The Golden Fleece....it ain't easy!

Good luck, your in Jersey; bet you can find a support group by tomorrow. It's a good place to start.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[CD Susan]

Daphne, If you lived closer to me I would enjoy meeting you and being your friend. Have you tried joining any cd/tg support groups in your area? This is a great way to meet people and to make friends. You could also try posting in the meeting place forum on this site. Girls like us are just about everywhere and all it takes to find them is a little work and some determination. Good luck to you girl.

[linnea]

I'm sad that you're feeling lonely, yet I don't think that I could do anything about it, even if I lived closer to you.
I hope that you find some enduring friends (depending on what you're looking for--a girl friend or CD friends or a man or whatever). Whatever it is, it won't be the answer. The answer really comes from inside you and the way you respond to the people you encounter.
I hope you find the encounters you need.
Good luck

[paulaN]

The boat I'm in is a lot like yours. I know exactly where you are coming from. Hang in there.

[Kate17]

Daphne

If you are looking for advise, I will give you mine - maybe not worth much but I do have a few years of experience. You want to have a relationship - Daphne is only a part of your existence. Start with a relationship with you as a human being - a person. In my case, I am a man with some definite female personality. Some women really like that. My wife was attracted to me because I had a lot of feminine characeristics. I actually thought I was quite masculine but she saw through it. She liked a guy who would cry with her during a sad movie ( I tried to hide it but she always noticed) She liked the fact I didn't watch baseball on saturdays but spent time with her. I can go on and on - but you get the point, I hope. Be yourself and you will attract the right people. Then when the time is right, you can tell her about Daphne. We are here for you so don't be shy about asking for more help - I am sure you will get lots of diffeent points of view for all the "experience" You have to act on it.

Kate17

[Sara Jessica]

I have heard it said that just because two individuals are trans, it doesn't mean they'll necessarily have what it takes to become friends, a theory I subscribe to 100%. It takes more than simply relying upon our unique condition. Being married with children myself, I find myself having more in common with others who are also married. Marriage/kids/career becomes a common springboard from which a friendship can develop, of course digging into how the whole tg thing fits with all of those things. Toss in a bit of that middle path struggle or keeping the desire to transition at bay and we have endless evenings of conversation at hand.

That said, I've been very lucky in the friendships I've made. The tg world is unfortunately littered with flakes who talk big on the internet but fail to back it up in the real world. It's not so much that I've been a personal witness to this behaviour but these pages are littered with such stories.

[Dressing Jill]

Hi Daphne

I would love to meet you. We could talk for hrs about nothing or everything. I just love to talk and if I get someone who will listen or even if you don't I can ramble on and on forever.

We could start a friend ship. Friend ships are built from scratch and develop. The amount of energy that you put into it is what you get. It doesn't matter what they other does. It is all about you and how you make yourself feel. Because 99.99% of the people don't have a clue as how to treat you. I will make an exception here in this forum it seems that there are an over whelming number of very caring people here. I mean the cross dressers and such.

So If you are in east Texas and want to meet me I would be happy to have you over.
Do you play pool I have a pool table, Do you fish I live on the lake and catch more than my share. Do you like to shop. Will that is my favorite thing to do above all else. So get down here and lets do something. I am very active.

I am sure that I gave up on relationships long ago as 2 marriages went down the tubes. I know that my picker is broke and don't know how to fix it so I don't put myself there the misery.

Can I go on let me know and I will send you an email I finally figured out this email thing on this forum. So let me know. I love to type. By the way I have lost a finger on one hand and still type about 50 words a minute. My ex's were impressed with my typing.

[mklinden2010]

I read your post and appreciate it's honesty.

Ouch.

If you're lucky in life, you have a good family, good friends, and have good luck in most things. If you're just dumb lucky enough, you may not notice, or, ever have to deal with, a lack of family, friends, or, just enough luck...

The world is a lonely place. So is the universe. Look down from an airplane and you can't see the people... Calculate the vastness of space and you realize it's more EMPTY space than, "Space, the final frontier."

However, in your own words there is heart, and where there is heart, there is hope. So, do hang in there; things can and will get better. Well, at least they should, given the odds. If you keep trying, something will turn up in your favor. When it does, treasure it and try, with what you learn along the way, to hold onto it. Love endures, but for it to do so you have to endure as well.

You cannot know the future with precision. Life, I can tell you, has its unexpected ups and downs. Huge ones. But, trust me, for every down, there will be at least one up. Just stick around, think about your choices, and live your life. Someone, maybe several someones, will be glad to get to know you some day.

The advice offered in the other posts is not so bad. Join some groups. Not necessarily anything you are doing now, or, have done, but get out there where people are and keep paying your dues in life. Take some classes, be good about being on time, and stay optimistic. Your life is a work in progress - always.

Keep in mind that all you need is one really good person and you'll have a fuller life. If you are that person, you'll find another good person. I can't tell you how, I can just tell you that it will happen. (And, there will be some near-misses along the way!)

Right now, you have to take care of you. Hang in there. Act and remember as you go. You'll find a lot of that living handy later when you want to live a better life with someone you'll meet along the way.

Life is a journey best taken as it comes.

Keep walking - the view will change.

[Alice Torn]

We live in fearfilled times. I am becoming more of a loner and like it, though i do need interaction. Trust is hard to earn, or give. I see fear in so many people, and most are so preoccupied. Us single loners fall through the cracks. M y problem, is that i am a rescuer, living others' lives for them. Friendship is very stressful for me, now, partly because of this secret hobby, and, partly, because of so much childhood abuse. Daphne, you're not the only one feeling depressed, and alone often. I could write a book, on lonesome males in this often indifferent, cold , big city based society.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I'm sorry, Daphne. It reminds me of my late teens and early 20's. I was still in heavy denial about what I am back then, so it was only guy-mode in public.

I had very few friends back then. I tried very hard to make new friends, but always seemed to put people off somehow.

In retrospect, I think I was trying too hard to make friends and it weirded people out. I was very socially awkward at the time, perhaps socially retarded is a better way of putting it.

I gave everything I had to give to people and was always there for them, but they were never there for me. I didn't understand why at the time, but I really think it was because I was simply trying to hard and somehow people picked up on that and it put them off.

After a while, I just decided to embrace the loneliness rather than suffer from it. That may seem odd, but it somehow made me feel better at the time.

What I did not have back then (because it didn't quite exist yet) was the internet. If I did, I'm sure I would have been a lot less lonley.


The truth is I just cant stand it any more. I just want it all to end. It won't but I want it to.

Come on, Daphne. The loneliness is a temporary part of your life. I can only guess what you meant with that statement. If it is anything close to what I did in my late teens, I strongly advise against trying anything stupid. Chances are you'll just mess up your life even more and really scare people away. I lost the few friends I had when I tried to hurt myself... and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Great times those were.

Might I suggest to stop trying to make new friends for a while? Maybe just go out and do your thing and enjoy the moment, period. Do not expect anything to come of meeting anyone. Enjoy them while you're with them, then leave it alone when the day is done. Perhaps you will find a good friend or two when you stop trying to and just let them come to you. :)

Hang in there, Daphne. I really think you're just going through a hard phase and it won't last. That may not make you feel better to hear right now, but trust me - there is so much more to life than what you're going through right now. I spent most of my life in deep depression, but that's not the case anymore. Just hold on for a while and be cool. I really believe happiness will find you once you stop looking so hard for it. In the mean time - just enjoy each little moment. There is plenty to enjoy today. :hugs:

[Fab Karen]

Unfortunately there are both some flakes and insincere people ( saying things they don't actually mean ) that you can run into online. Not all people you come across will be like this. It sucks, but you have to dust yourself off and keep going forward with what you seek. There ARE true, sincere people out in the world. It isn't hopeless.

[Kathleen Grace]

Hi Daphne,

I hope I haven't hurt your feelings by not being in contact. Life's been too busy lately but I still want to get together with you sometime soon. Let me know if you still want to get together, okay?

:hugs:

Kathleen

[deja true]

Well, Jersey Girl, I gotta think that maybe you're looking for love in all the wrong places so far...

It's not likely that your gonna find a bff in the bars or clubs. Most folks are there for the chance to just have a few drinks, blow off a little steam and watch the passing parade. And too, as far as us pseudo-girls go, most prolly wanna keep their real lives as seperate as possible from their clubbing lives. That goes for those you meet on-line, too, I think.

Meeting a GG here? Well, they are prolly here 'cos they're already hooked up with a trans person...and even if their present relationship may not be going too well, that doesn't mean they wanna start another relationship with another trannie. So, outside of a little compassion and a shoulder to cry on, they're prolly not really into finding a bff either.

Can I suggest that a really good place to look for and find a copaetic soul mate for friendship might be a trans conference? Dressed for a week or five days, doing all your talking and interacting as Daphne with others like that seems to me to have a much better chance of finding a real friend than just for a couple of hours at a time at a support group meeting or a club. It's a place where the majority are looking for something more than a couple of drinks and a casual hookup. Talking over a leisurely lunch or dinner with a half dozen others is a lot more conducive to getting to know someone than shouting over the music while your feet are killing you.

Good luck, dear one. Like the others say ... don't give up, just modify your game plan a little.

;)...:)

[Tal'Aura]

Ironically I the more time I spend as Daphne the worse it gets.. This life for me is the headquarters of loneliness. I go out meet people do what I want have fun for a little while and come home.

Jolan Tru,

As you probably know, I fully sympathize with you. Loneliness is very known to me and it changed my attitudes on life. I don't want to discourage or sadden you, but it seems to be no exit from that omnipresent sorrow. Frankly, this whole world sucks a lot. I am starting to believe that chemistry can offer solace. I cannot change this creepy reality, but I can try to change my perception of it all.

[patricia 402]

hi im not going to give you a bunch of advice or anything i just going to let you know your not alone im in a similer situation im extremly lonley i live by myself and prity much work alone i want to be with someone in the worst way but i almost kinda give up i cant and dont want to change who i am so i dont know what to do i want to meet misses rite but dont realy see it happening to scared of rejection and having to feel ashamed iv been maried three times but for some stupid reason i want to do it again i want companionship sorry i guess im rambeling just wanted you to know we care very much and hope things work out for you because lonlyness realy SUCKS.
your sister patricia:sad:

[Di]

Daphne,I know its hard not to take it personally( and I do the same thing but try now not too) but the problem is in themselves NOT YOU still hurts though.
In our case we used to meet some of the girls and would help them like going in a local (accepting club) for the first time and prob out of 10 times only 3 showed up and never any explaination and they seem to fall of the face of the earth.
I now chalk it up to they chickened out, got a case of the nerves and doubt, guilt or whatever.
As far as the GG...........sorry..........I do not know the situation, just sorry your feelings were hurt.:hugs:
Just remember it's not you...it's their insecurity.
Kudos for your reaching out to people it shows your heart.:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

ps Sher reminds me some people say anything on the internet and are insincere/ just because we are being real sometimes others are not.

ppss I really like deja trues suggestion of going to a trans conference. Alot of girls have made wonderful friends their.Best Wishes

[Sandra]

Daphne sorry to hear about this and how things have gone on. It is disheartening when this happens and makes you feel that it's your fault, when it's not.

Don't give up on trying to meet people, it will happen for you.

[LisaM]

Daphne,

I know exactly how you feel. I call it the "is that all there is" feeling. I get dressed and make myself look good (at least to myself) and I have no one to socialize or share with. Bars don't do it for me and I want to be out as Lisa in the real world.

As a start, I would suggest just what Di posted earlier---go to a Trans conference. There are all sorts of people there--you are bound to make friends. I haven't been out in over 10 years and most of my friends have transitioned and melted away so I feel lonely just like you.

But I made plans to attend the Chicago Be-All June 4-7 and I am looking forward to meeting other girls there---I know no one but it is a wonderful way to get out and meet others.

[TGMarla]

Daphne, our very own Deborah Jane was feeling the same way for a very long time, and suddenly found someone who has changed her life. Hang in there. Things do happen. Patience, love of self, perseverence, and a positive outlook help a great deal. I was very lonely for most of my life, and that is gone now. I thought it would never be any different for me. So you hang in there, and sooner or later, something good will happen for you, too.

Here's some flowers. :love:

Here's a hug. :hugs:

(Admit it....that made you smile, didn't it? Didn't it? :D)

[shannonFL]

Daphne, science is fueled by anomalies, we may be considered as such by some. If you feel like you were the subject of someones' research, well yeah me too. I prefer to think like Marla.

[Nicole Erin]

Yeah I have had this happen.
people say "OH I am from Indy or close to it opr drive thru it" but I don't even give a rat's anymore. With most people, saying they want to meet in RL is about as good as an I.O.U. from someone at the horse race track. I usually forget their name and the fact that they wanted to meet the second I am done reading their message. Heard it all before.

People are just stupid, they act like someone out there has pinpointed them to be their next murder victim. Like some psycho is surfing the web saying "Yeah I want to go meet Transgirl Generic from the forum and slaughter her... muahahahahah!"

But if it makes anyone feel better, I know at least 2 members on this forum who have never in their life heard a rude comment, had trouble making friends, and in fact, get treated like the queens they think they are. I don't mean to wave the BS flag or anything.

Nothihng wrong with hiding behind a screen, but don't go getting someone's hopes up to find friends and then just chicken out.

Some of you who actually read my ramblings probably wonder why I am bitter 1/2 the time, well cause of fakes or chickens. Or the ones who are interested in me just to ask retarded questions. It is not my job to educate anyone.

[Carly D.]

I'd love to get a cross dressing buddy, but there are so many variables to consider.. I have taken a few micro baby steps out of the closet and my last outing was three weeks ago.. I think of someone being a cross dress buddy would have to be trusted with what I think is my most prized posession and that is my Carly existence.. something that is so personal that wearing just my heels out was a huge step, that being seen by the few people who saw me was so against my whole being.. I am closeted except for the three fully dressed outings that I went on.. I would have to meet the person while not dressed and probably talk about everything except cross dressing, and learn what they are like.. can I trust them if things get sticky... if we go far enough away I need to trust that we will make it back home in one piece.. I don't totally trust my own judgement sometimes, and would have to apologize to the other person ahead of time, and realize that I might flake out on them in the beginning because I would have to see what they are like while dressed up.. some of us might change personalities while dressed as the fem side.. I think I might become more of a wallflower while dressed as to not command attention to my self dressed up.. did this make any sense at all??

[Kristen Kelly]

I feel the same way at times; put a profile in a dating site looking for bi and open minded women. I met a few and went out as friends but found that many were just curious. I still had a good time don't get me wrong it helped my confidence being out in the real world meeting new people and talking about myself. I have learned to do that very well. There are many social groups I belong to here in Jersey travel a lot to tg events and have met a lot of girls over the years, I have a few that even call best friends. As another Jersey girl would love to add you as a friend lets chat add me to your Yahoo IM KristenKelly77 or Facebook that goes for all the girls in my area I get out from Boston area to Virginia Beach area.

[Aleca]

Daphne I see many CD's and TS's around where I live who always seem so lonely and it's really sad. One would think o.k. I'm out of the closet finally and now I should be happy. It doesn't seem to work that way, I noticed that for myself too - a great deal of self-consciousness about myself and/or people backing away from me perhaps because being dressed up is too grotesque and weird for some. Some of that might be self confidence issues and self respect we have to work on. I don't know....
As far as being treated, sure, I think I would just wanted to be treated as a person, not an object of desire and I've been one of those in the past who has stood up other TG's and CD's to meet (I confess) so I understand your hurt.

[Trip_rockcity]

Gabrielle ~ embracing the loneliness? That’s pretty cool.. that’s exactly what iv been doing over the past few months.. your like an older version of me.. (^^,).. x

[Carly D.]

Daphne I see many CD's and TS's around where I live who always seem so lonely and it's really sad. One would think o.k. I'm out of the closet finally and now I should be happy. It doesn't seem to work that way, I noticed that for myself too - a great deal of self-consciousness about myself and/or people backing away from me perhaps because being dressed up is too grotesque and weird for some. Some of that might be self confidence issues and self respect we have to work on. I don't know....
As far as being treated, sure, I think I would just wanted to be treated as a person, not an object of desire and I've been one of those in the past who has stood up other TG's and CD's to meet (I confess) so I understand your hurt.


It's kinda the reason I don't tell anyone is after that what happens?? would I be banned from family events?? I have a sister in law that I swear is homophobic, but there are times when she stuns me with her ideas and I think I could tell her about me.. then reality strikes and I think better of it.. truth is I would love to tell everyone but as much as I would like to tell, it's maybe twice as much my feelings that I would like it to remain my little secret.. at least for now..

[DaphneGrey]

Thank you all so much to take the time to read my post. And for all who have reached out to me over the past day. I thank you for the advice support and kind thoughts.

There have been many mentions of support groups and cd/tg social groups. I know they have helped a great many people and it is hard to say this. I have reached out to support groups and other cds.

The first group was well known wit a polished website plenty of we love you...... and everything else.
I spoke to the president and a couple members over the phone and the promises we will we will it will be great and so forth. a week later I called to get the location of the meeting, no answer, a couple emails later no answer. When I finally got on the phone with the president she said I am running out I promise I will call tomorrow. We were real busy a thousand apologies.... Well that was four years ago.

The second time was a group I met on a message board same drill, Oh thats great we would love to have you we go here do this so on and so on..

I made plans to meet them (first time out) new dress and everything else... I met them at there pre meeting place excited and happy a huge bundle of nerves. They looked me up and down like a fat awkward girl at the cheerleaders table in the lunch room. They decided right then and there to tell me I wasn't passable enough to go with them!

Lets just say I am over the whole support group thing.

I know this experience is probably not the normal thing but thats what happened to me.

[Joy Carter]

Kiddo I can relate big time. I have one good friend who's full time, but is ten hours away. I've tried but still no luck. But I have not given up. Some day, some way I'll find my niche.

[Nicki B]

Lets just say I am over the whole support group thing.

Surely, those were groups - not support groups? :sad:



The 'not passable enough' comment makes me really mad.. :Angry3:

[DaphneGrey]

To answer your question yes the first one I mentioned was. a Tri ess chapter to be exact.

The second one was not a recognized support group.

[LisaM]

Daphne,

Try a Gender conference---try a makeover---meet a few other girls who can help you with your style. Conferences are much better than small groups.

[Nicki B]

To answer your question yes the first one I mentioned was. a Tri ess chapter to be exact.

You make my point, perhaps..

[VeronicaMoonlit]

If you have read any of my posts, you know that I am out have no problem shopping going out or anything like that.

Ironically I the more time I spend as Daphne the worse it gets.. This life for me is the headquarters of loneliness.

I hear ya, I'm lonely too but for different reasons. (shyness, low self esteem, social anxiety, yadda yadda yadda)


I have tried to make friends that go beyond this digital world but every time I reach out to someone they say Oh sure we can do this that go here and then it is all over some how they lose the email my phone got lost bla bla bla... and then they vanish!

Let me say something in their defense, "this thing of ours" can be hard to handle and a very scary thing to deal with. One might get up the courage to do something, whether it be go out in public or meet others, but then decide not to at the last minute. I can understand "why" it happens. That said, I don't make meetup commitments, because I know that keeping them might be difficult, besides, I'm low self esteemy and not pretty enough.




Here's some flowers. :love:

Here's a hug. :hugs:

(Admit it....that made you smile, didn't it? Didn't it? :D)

Yes, yes it did.




I spoke to the president and a couple members over the phone and the promises we will we will it will be great and so forth. a week later I called to get the location of the meeting, no answer, a couple emails later no answer. When I finally got on the phone with the president she said I am running out I promise I will call tomorrow. We were real busy a thousand apologies.... Well that was four years ago.

Sigh. Some chapters follow the whole Tri-Ess security mantra so far that it makes it harder to get new members, but some actually put the meeting location on their website. Problem is, you never know what a chapter's going to be like until you go there.


They looked me up and down like a fat awkward girl at the cheerleaders table in the lunch room. They decided right then and there to tell me I wasn't passable enough to go with them!

Bloody hell. Oh that sort of thing really ticks me off to no end. Above all, transfolk new to being out could use support and don't need a bunch of "mean girls" who think the new girl might get them clocked more easily saying "you're not pretty enough to hang out with us.". Bleep that crap. Bleepwits.



I know this experience is probably not the normal thing but thats what happened to me.

I'd say keep plugging at it. Have you visited CDI in NYC? I don't know how close you are to the City. There's some good people there.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[kathrynjanos]

Hey Daphne,

I'm in NY, are you in northern or southern NJ? I'd be interested in meeting up with you sometime. Right now I'd have to come as Matthew, not as Kathryn, because I just don't have a wardrobe, but maybe if I can get some cash together, we could go shopping, I'd appreciate the help!

Even if you can't or don't want to, that's ok, when I get my stuff together and make my first public appearance in the Village, I'd love it if you came along. I'll warn you that I can be difficult to make plans with, but if we can come to an agreement with plans, I'll stick to 'em. I also can kinda drop contact with people from time to time, but I'll always get back to you if you reach out to me, it's never me avoiding someone.

PM me if you'd like to talk.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Not passable enough? WTF! Hon, you're a doll. I want to slap their faces, individually and collectively.

Hugs...Joni Marie

[Satrana]

Therein lies the difference between tolerance and acceptance. People who tolerate have no interest in getting to know you because they do not accept what you are.

In the real world people crave conformity. Why? Because conformity leads to acceptance which leads to many potential close relationships and friendships.

There are few people out there who can withstand the crave for conformity. So the chances of finding true friends who accept your CDing is very limited. If you keep trying you will eventually come across a few who will accept you. But that is all it will be ever be.

You can forget widespread acceptance. There never will be mainstream social groups who will accept you. Even in gay bars, the acceptance level is remarkably low. This is reality. Tolerance is easy, society can and does change fairly quickly but acceptance requires the absence of underlying prejudices which unfortunatley linger on from generation to generation.

If you are confident about going out enfemme then I would not bother about support groups. Just meet ordinary people but in smaller, closer environments like art class/hobbies etc for one-on-one interactions that allows people to get to know the real you.

[Nicole Erin]

...They looked me up and down like a fat awkward girl at the cheerleaders table in the lunch room. They decided right then and there to tell me I wasn't passable enough to go with them!

Lets just say I am over the whole support group thing.

I know this experience is probably not the normal thing but thats what happened to me.

If I was told by a group of TG that I was not passable and they rejected me for that reason, my next step would have been to make sure everyone in the closest bad neighborhood knew about their meetings. I mean that was F'in rude beyond imagination. :Angry3: I cannot imagine how you felt after that. We expect some trashy scum tattoo'ed loser at a gas station to be rude but NOT our own sisters.

Thing is, group to group things are diferent, I have been to a few different ones. Some are great, and some are total BS. Tri-ess often gets some bad rap. Don't be shocked that most chapters of that group are a flop.

[ReineD]

I get out of my sadness and emptiness by reaching out and helping others. Have you thought of doing some volunteer work as Daphne? You might need to make a few calls first to make sure it will be OK. If you begin to volunteer regularly you will meet others who do the same and you will all have something in common. This is a great way to build more meaningful relationships! You'll also put your focus elsewhere for a while and it will help ease the loneliness. But the largest reward will be feeling good about yourself for knowing you've helped someone. :)

http://www.volunteermatch.org/
:love:

[Hope]

I think it might be beneficial for you to look for friends outside of the CD community? Both men and women? CDs can be a bit self absorbed and neurotic at times. Certainly not everyone, but it is a stereotype you see played out a lot - it exists for a reason.

No doubt there are CD girls who would love to be friends with you, but maybe widen the potential pool of friends a bit? Look for friends who share other interests too? Surely you have those.

Yes the world can be a cold, lonely, miserable space - but it's how we interpret the world around us that determines how we are going to feel about it. The world can also be a place of beauty, joy and encouragement. It is excruciatingly rare that it is exclusively one or the other of those extremes and when we see the world in either extreme - it probably says more about us, than it does about the world.

Which is not to say that the neurotic cannot have positive, mutually beneficial friendships - they do, and can. But if you want to have healthy friendships - it helps to be a healthy friend, just like if you want to have a friend, you first must be a friend.

[sterling12]

Thank you all so much to take the time to read my post. And for all who have reached out to me over the past day. I thank you for the advice support and kind thoughts.

There have been many mentions of support groups and cd/tg social groups. I know they have helped a great many people and it is hard to say this. I have reached out to support groups and other cds.

The first group was well known wit a polished website plenty of we love you...... and everything else.
I spoke to the president and a couple members over the phone and the promises we will we will it will be great and so forth. a week later I called to get the location of the meeting, no answer, a couple emails later no answer. When I finally got on the phone with the president she said I am running out I promise I will call tomorrow. We were real busy a thousand apologies.... Well that was four years ago.

The second time was a group I met on a message board same drill, Oh thats great we would love to have you we go here do this so on and so on..

I made plans to meet them (first time out) new dress and everything else... I met them at there pre meeting place excited and happy a huge bundle of nerves. They looked me up and down like a fat awkward girl at the cheerleaders table in the lunch room. They decided right then and there to tell me I wasn't passable enough to go with them!

Lets just say I am over the whole support group thing.

I know this experience is probably not the normal thing but thats what happened to me.

Oh Gosh! Sorry you had a lousy experience with a couple of groups. The Follow-up on The Intial Contact is an ongoing problem with some groups. During my term in office, I have really tried to work on this problem with my group in Tampa. I have a coordinator, and we have tried to institute a follow-on system. So far, it's worked pretty good. But, just the other day, we had a gal who had to make contact a second time....screw-up with her Email address. We continue to work on it. If anyone has a problem with making contact with a group, I urge them to "keep trying." Usually, it's not a rejection, it's a screw-up on our part. Everything is voluntary, and volunteers can get things wrong!

Did that second Group actually tell you "Your not passable/pretty enough to be in this group?" Or did you "feel" that they felt that way? I can't speak for everyone, but no CD Group that I've ever belonged to rejected someone for not being "passable." That's not what The Groups are typically about.

In my group, we go out to dinner, and we expect you to behave like a lady, and not to try and use our meetings at a "pick-up opportunity," but we have plenty of people who "don't pass." They are part of our "Family" and they go everywhere with our group. Heck, almost every person who CD's gets "clocked" at least some of the time, it's almost impossible to avoid detection if your in a group of CD's. We are trying to gain tolerance for Transfolk, not make them invisible by trying to be passable.

For what it's worth, it's been four years, different people have no doubt been elected, and you will probably get a different reception. I would give it a shot again, and see what happens.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[DaphneGrey]

Oh Gosh! Sorry you had a lousy experience with a couple of groups. The Follow-up on The Intial Contact is an ongoing problem with some groups. During my term in office, I have really tried to work on this problem with my group in Tampa. I have a coordinator, and we have tried to institute a follow-on system. So far, it's worked pretty good. But, just the other day, we had a gal who had to make contact a second time....screw-up with her Email address. We continue to work on it. If anyone has a problem with making contact with a group, I urge them to "keep trying." Usually, it's not a rejection, it's a screw-up on our part. Everything is voluntary, and volunteers can get things wrong!

Did that second Group actually tell you "Your not passable/pretty enough to be in this group?" Or did you "feel" that they felt that way? I can't speak for everyone, but no CD Group that I've ever belonged to rejected someone for not being "passable." That's not what The Groups are typically about.

In my group, we go out to dinner, and we expect you to behave like a lady, and not to try and use our meetings at a "pick-up opportunity," but we have plenty of people who "don't pass." They are part of our "Family" and they go everywhere with our group. Heck, almost every person who CD's gets "clocked" at least some of the time, it's almost impossible to avoid detection if your in a group of CD's. We are trying to gain tolerance for Transfolk, not make them invisible by trying to be passable.

For what it's worth, it's been four years, different people have no doubt been elected, and you will probably get a different reception. I would give it a shot again, and see what happens.

Peace and Love, Joanie

I was rejected not forgotten about I cant say why but they just stopped answering my calls I wont try to contact them again.. This was after the Drab meeting.

It hurt like hell and frankly I don't think I will ever contact them again.


I get out of my sadness and emptiness by reaching out and helping others. Have you thought of doing some volunteer work as Daphne? You might need to make a few calls first to make sure it will be OK. If you begin to volunteer regularly you will meet others who do the same and you will all have something in common. This is a great way to build more meaningful relationships! You'll also put your focus elsewhere for a while and it will help ease the loneliness. But the largest reward will be feeling good about yourself for knowing you've helped someone. :)

http://www.volunteermatch.org/
:love:

This is great advice thank you so much I think I will look into it.

[Kathleen Grace]

I for one can't embrace the loneliness right now. :sad: We all know how the desires to cross dress ebb and flow. Right now my desires are stronger than they've been in a long time. That's why I come here, as we all do, to relieve the feelings of loneliness.

My wife knows but still isn't comfortable with seeing me fully dressed yet, so I really don't have a place to indulge. I've kept myself from buying things for myself to try to curve the impulses and of course, save money.

Since I'm letting my hair grow I have to content myself with the occasional "Miss or Mame" in public while in drab.

Daphne,

Sorry, I didn't mean to substitute my depression for yours in this post, I just want you to know once again, that I'd like to get together and I'm sorry we haven't done so already. I am sincerely interested in getting together.

I'm even willing to let you give this "sunshine girl' a Goth makeover if it will cheer you up. ;)

:hugs:

Kathleen

[Kristen Kelly]

To answer your question yes the first one I mentioned was. a Tri ess chapter to be exact.

The second one was not a recognized support group.

Daphne the worst batter on a baseball team still gets up to the plate to keep swinging knowing one day they will connect and get that great feeling....same here don't give up. I remember starting out and how scary it was, all the girls looked better than me, that wasn't going to let that stop me, I worked on my makeup, mannerisms, confidence grew to the point I go anywhere and everywhere, day or night. One thing I do remember is where I started out, I try to give back, to be a big sister to those who ask for help. I make it a point to try to be there for closeted girls that want to take that first step out, but can't do it alone.

There is a group in NJ run by Lady Ellen http://www.meetup.com/LeFemme/ she does makeovers, as well as hosting get togethers. I've known her for over 3 years there is none more supportive to the community. I attend the parties as well as the get togethers often as they are always fun. You can dress there or arrived dressed. You can even arrange for a makeover before 1 of the events, she is great, always willing to show you how to do it, offering tips to improve your skills. There is a great article just posted in 1 of the local papers about her http://www.nj.com/insidejersey/index.ssf/2009/05/charmed.html

I love to get out to the TG friendly bars and mainstream places with people, as well as out to dinner, shopping or just out in public doing what ever. I have a great group of friends that love to get out often, we are a social group not out to hook-up. Check out these yahoo groups for events going on in the area

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Ladies_Out_and_About/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Ladies...guid=107337793

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PinkEs...guid=107337793

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Girlso...guid=107337793

There is a formal group that meets at the GBLT Center in Highland Park don't have a link for that group

Aways more fun to get out and do it enfem

Daphne I hope I have given you enough options, feel free to contact me as you are always welome to join us out.

[DaphneGrey]

[QUOTE=Kristen Kelly;1731702][FONT="Comic Sans MS"][SIZE="3"]Daphne the worst batter on a baseball team still gets up to the plate to keep swinging knowing one day they will connect and get that great feeling....same here don't give up. I remember starting out and how scary it was, all the girls looked better than me, that wasn't going to let that stop me, I worked on my makeup, mannerisms, confidence grew to the point I go anywhere and everywhere, day or night. One thing I do remember is where I started out, I try to give back, to be a big sister to those who ask for help. I make it a point to try to be there for closeted girls that want to take that first step out, but can't do it alone.

There is a group in NJ run by [COLOR="Black"]Lady Ellen http://www.meetup.com/LeFemme/ she does makeovers, as well as hosting get togethers. I've known her for over 3 years there is none more supportive to the community. I attend the parties as well as the get togethers often as they are always fun. You can dress there or arrived dressed. You can even arrange for a makeover before 1 of the events, she is great, always willing to show you how to do it, offering tips to improve your skills. There is a great article just posted in 1 of the local papers about her http://www.nj.com/insidejersey/index.ssf/2009/05/charmed.html

Thanks Kristen I appreciate what your trying to do I really do and thank you :hugs:

But I really don't need a big sister or makeover service to help me come out of the closet. I have come out of the closet along time ago and thanks to my miserable experiences with support groups and makeover services(another one of my favorite topics) I did it on my own. I learned how to dress shopped asked for help at cosmetic stores etc etc etc......Thats what I mean when I say Out and Lonely.

Years ago when I went looking for a "big Sister" there was none who wanted to bother with me.

I am going to take Some advice I got and do some volunteering as Daphne.. and make friends outside the community. Hopefully some people I have met on this site as well.

My support group days are over, my yahoo group days are over and as for makeover services well read my thread selling acceptance.

I am not a project, a little sister, or a Barbie doll.

Having said all of that, I don't mean to hurt anyones feelings, I have just been scarred by my experiences and have very little faith any more. I just need to find another path.

Please don't take this the wrong way.

[ReineD]

I am not a project, a little sister, or a Barbie doll.

You certainly are not. Judging by your avatar, you appear to have mastered your look. You are pretty and you look very confident.

But belonging to a support group is much more than going just to learn how to apply make-up or how to pass. It is about making friends. My SO belongs to a great group in St. Louis. The members range from beginners who wish to learn how to pass to fully transitioned gals. One of our friends, a transitioning TS, a few weeks ago brought her guitar and played while another member sang. It was a great time!

Support groups can be a place where YOU can help to encourage a beginner, just by being there and letting her see your confidence .. let her learn from YOU. Also, please do not rule out the opportunity of meeting others like you. Support groups are the most likely places to find them in your area. Also the members from this site. But I agree with you about the Yahoo sites. I do not think they are looking for the same type of friendship that you are. The last group of girls who said you were not good enough do NOT deserve to call themselves TGs, IMO. No self-respecting TG would behave like this. Bit***s! :Angry3:

On the topic of general acceptance, Satrana makes a good point:



There are few people out there who can withstand the crave for conformity. So the chances of finding true friends who accept your CDing is very limited. If you keep trying you will eventually come across a few who will accept you. But that is all it will be ever be.

You can forget widespread acceptance. There never will be mainstream social groups who will accept you. Even in gay bars, the acceptance level is remarkably low. This is reality. Tolerance is easy, society can and does change fairly quickly but acceptance requires the absence of underlying prejudices which unfortunatley linger on from generation to generation.

One of the reasons you are feeling empty may be because your expectations are too high. When I become disappointed over a particular outcome, it is because I expected so much more than was possible to happen. I do not know if you expect the same level of social contact and interaction for Daphne as your guy self. Every TG deserves this but unfortunately our society is not capable of such acceptance, at least not right now, as Satrana points out. My SO has had to come to terms with this. She is where you are. She also went beyond the point where dressing at home or strictly going to support groups was enough, and she expanded the places she went to in order to build a social life for herself. She goes out everywhere she wants to now, she has made some acquaintances in the mainstream, but not more than that. People do treat her and us with respect, but we have not made good friends beyond the GLBT community. So we have two different groups of friends and they do not mix right now.

It is hard. You've stuffed Daphne all your life and now she's out and wants to make friends too and it hurts when she gets rejected. But, you won't feel rejected as badly if you come to expect no more from the mainstream than what Satrana describes above .. eventually make a few friends, but not much more. I'm glad you decided to try to volunteer. This will be a good place to get people to know who you are inside.

Oh, and one last thought ... I am not TG, and it is even difficult for me to find friends. Most people are busy with their lives and their families, and the very few friends I have made since my divorce (other than my SO :<3: ) have been with people who are just as lonely as I am.

:love:

[Tal'Aura]

One of the reasons you are feeling empty may be because your expectations are too high.

Now this intrigued me. Are you saying it is better to have no expectations at all than to suffer continually from failed expectations? If not, please define what are moderate or even small expectations? I don't believe that such things exist because it seems that any expectation can lead to possible failure and disappointment, no matter how is small...

Jolan Tru

[ReineD]

If not, please define what are moderate or even small expectations?

I am speaking of people's behaviors or reactions. If they do not react the way I wished they would and I am disappointed, I do my best to examine the situation afterwards to see if I might have done anything differently. More often than not, I discover that my part of the problem was expecting more of them than they were capable of giving. Once I accept this and when the situation presents itself a second time, I am not disappointed by their behaviors.
:hugs:

[Nicki B]

Now this intrigued me. Are you saying it is better to have no expectations at all than to suffer continually from failed expectations?

There are 'glass half empty' people - and there are 'glass half full' people.. ;)

Which kind are you? :)

[madison lee]

Sweety, a little advice from someone who's been EXACTLY where you are now. From what you are saying you are looking for true love and someone to share your life with. The problem is is that you are LOOKING! I used to pray to god every night and every morning to please let me meet the love of my life.

That and the frustration went on for a long time, till a friend of mine who had gotten married a few weeks before (this was about 7 years ago) gave me this advice. STOP looking. Be your self and just have fun. When you stop looking, thats when you'll find her (or him). And you know what? He was right, I stopped looking and less than a year later I met my wife.

Please don't dispair Daphne, I truly believe that we were put on this earth to be happy, and sometimes it takes just a little while longer for some to find it. Just know that every girl on this forum is here for you amd will try our best to surround you with love and friendship.

After all....All you have to do is say/type...."Hi Girls,.........


:hugs: Madison

[DaphneGrey]

Sweety, a little advice from someone who's been EXACTLY where you are now. From what you are saying you are looking for true love and someone to share your life with. The problem is is that you are LOOKING! I used to pray to god every night and every morning to please let me meet the love of my life.

That and the frustration went on for a long time, till a friend of mine who had gotten married a few weeks before (this was about 7 years ago) gave me this advice. STOP looking. Be your self and just have fun. When you stop looking, thats when you'll find her (or him). And you know what? He was right, I stopped looking and less than a year later I met my wife.

Please don't dispair Daphne, I truly believe that we were put on this earth to be happy, and sometimes it takes just a little while longer for some to find it. Just know that every girl on this forum is here for you amd will try our best to surround you with love and friendship.

After all....All you have to do is say/type...."Hi Girls,.........


:hugs: Madison

Thanks for posting.

True love not really. I am married to a wonderful woman who knows about Daphne. She doesn't participate but gives me all the space I need. See my thread "accepting but not enthusiastic." We are celebrating our 19 Aniversery this week.

What I want is to have a meaningful friendship in real life as Daphne. With anyone. Another trans person, Guy or girl it really doesn't matter.

But being yourself is great advice for meeting friends or anyone else. So thanks Madison I really appreciate it:hugs:

[Sara Jessica]

What I want is to have a meaningful friendship in real life as Daphne. With anyone. Another trans person, Guy or girl it really doesn't matter.

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss all support groups just because of the way you were treated thus far. That'd be casting too wide of a brush unfairly over the many over the poor behavior of the few.

That said, my most meaningful relationships formed as a woman have come through 1) a support group (which I prefer to call a social group) 2) through internet correspondence in sites such as this 3) simply being out and about, have actually made one very dear friend in this manner.

And it'd be unfair for me to compartmentalize these friendships as simply being "Sara's" friends. These are people who know the whole me and as such, they are my friends, all of whom I absolutely cherish.

[Nicki B]

What I want is to have a meaningful friendship in real life as Daphne. With anyone. Another trans person, Guy or girl it really doesn't matter.

Daphne, do you have many friends in your other mode? :strugglin

[Kristen Kelly]

Thanks Kristen I appreciate what your trying to do I really do and thank you :hugs:

But I really don't need a big sister or makeover service to help me come out of the closet. Thats what I mean when I say Out and Lonely.

Years ago when I went looking for a "big Sister" there was none who wanted to bother with me.

I am going to take Some advice I got and do some volunteering as Daphne.. and make friends outside the community. Hopefully some people I have met on this site as well.

I am not a project, a little sister, or a Barbie doll.

Having said all of that, I don't mean to hurt anyones feelings, I have just been scarred by my experiences and have very little faith any more. I just need to find another path.

Please don't take this the wrong way.

No hard feelings taken, yes I know I was very persistent, just tossing out options, for you as well as all the other local girls out there. You said you dont need a big sister, try being one, help others while you help yourself. If I lived my life guided by all the past disappointments I would have missed so much. This is truly my nature to give back what others have given to me, if I were to go by past let downs I would have stopped offering long ago, all the no shows, the people not comfortable being out, cell calls from just outside of were we were going, not being able to get out of their car, the people that weren’t looking for a friend just sex. Doing this opens myself up to being read something I try to totally avoid when out alone, but has helped me deal with it and now could care less what others think. One of the rewards are seeing people that were out with me for the first time..... 6 months...a year later and how far they had come knowing I had a hand in it. The biggest reward is the things I learn about myself by helping others, the questions asked that challenge my thoughts.

I liked the idea of doing volunteer work, would satisfy another calling of mine at the same time to educate people that we are not that much different than everyone else and not the bazaar stereo types they see on TV on all the talk shows.
Good luck I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Good luck with your volunteer work Daphne. I can understand somewhat being lonely. I am not out and though I am married I am lonely in not having someone to talk to about cd/tg other than this forum. dylen