Needing Normalcy

[helenr]

My wife and I don't discuss the 'third person' in the room. Like the elephant in the room, it is easier to avoid bringing up Helen-my transgendered alter ego. I have consumed a lot of energy trying both to understand my need for transgenderism and her issue of dealing with it. Like others I wished I had done some 'pre screening' 27 years ago before marriage to see if she was comfortable with this, but I thought I was weaned of this urge and I am not sure that even if she had said she was OK with it, that this would be the contiued attitude.
I happen to love pantyhose. I wear it daily except in the warmest of weather. It isn't an erotic event any longer-just helps my brain cope. I believe readers can relate to this. makes no sense to a 'normal' person, but we all have our quirks. When my wife notices the sheer hosiery -outer socks removed, I am wearing slippers-I see a slight cast of disappointment, sadness on her face. It makes me sad that she is displeased, causes me some anguish as I know that she views this as abnormal, disappointing. We don't discuss this-what is to discuss?We go through life as round pegs in a square hole world. I am sure she wishes this component of my personality weren't this way. Embarassment, fear of others learning, not having a normal male-and for me Transgenderism changes my whole 'sexual persona' whatever is left of it at age 62. It isn't easy for the wife of a transgender. So we carry this sadness along with all the other baggage of this affliction.

[kellycan27]

Just pantyhose? Maybe you should invite her here to the forum, and after she sees what some of the other wives have to deal with she may run out and buy you a few new pairs. Hell she may even offer to massage your feet while you're wearing them..:heehee:

[linnea]

I think that a visit to this forum might help her to put your pantyhose into perspective. I empathize with your notes of sadness--too bad, but she may not only be sad for what she regards as an abnormality (not that it is, by the way) as well as her own inability to understand it.
Best wishes.

[Hope]

Maybe if you didn't refer to it as an affliction? The way we interpret the world around us has a BIG impact on the way we feel about the world around us.

How about looking at it as a quirk, or something silly / comical, or God forbid, something positive, something that you enjoy, that brings you solace and calm. Why not view it as a distinct part of who you are, a part of what makes you, you; and every bit as deserving of love and respect as the other parts?

You can't expect your wife to think your nylons are great if you walk around acting like they are some sort of cancer you would rather be rid of.

[audreycd]

There is no big deal with pantyhose.
There is now pantyhose made especially for men. You could use it for legs support. I even heard GI's have to wear them in the desert to avoid flea. It was the only way to stop the bugs.

[Karen Francis]

You didn't mention how long your wife has known about you TG alter ego. And as for "pre screening" that is no guarantee either. I have been married for 36 years, we are both 55 or so. She has known for 37 years, I told her about my TG before we were married. As long as I kept it literally in the bedroom, and no one knew, she "tolerated" it. But exactly the same response as your wife, little disappointment in the eyes, slight inflection in the voice.
But it really changed 6 years ago, after the kids were grown and gone, I decided to go out in public, and come out to my 2 sons and a few other select friends and relatives. She was totally and adamantly against all of that. I did it anyway, her response was to out me to others I had no intention of telling, including my 84 year old aunt who lives 800 miles away.

The bottom line is our marriage successful in only one respect: raising the children. Once that was completed, she has no other life, I have numerous things I want to do before the big dirt nap. We were incompatable from the start, the TG thing is perhaps 20% of the problem, but the one that is the easy flash point. " Oh year, you know such and such, they are getting a divorce after 36 years, and (whispering) he wears women's clothes titter titter.

You wife will likely never accept the TG, mine won't, no matter what her protests to the contrary, all based on the fact that if a divorce happens her quality of life goes down considerably. So, she makes half hearted disingenious attempts to show her "acceptance". But I would prefer she just state the obvious, " I am not comfortable with your crossdressing, I wish you wouldn't do it. " Then we could at least be honest in the relationship and go from there....

[helenr]

thanks for the comments. tricky situation. My wife knows I wear lingerie, ladies casual slacks, etc. I don't intentionally throw anything in her face, so to speak. The wish to be female is so strong, it is hard to (for me) 'be butch' and fake a masculine posture. I know she suspects I have used anti androgens and estrogen so it is more than just fetish pantyhose on an otherwise heterosexual male. I doubt, incidentally, that there many who post and read on this forum who are really completely 'normal' except for panty love,etc, but I could be wrong.
I think many women worry greatly that outsiders will learn, there will be gossip, embarassment, etc. This is a major strain on a relationship. My wife has said that she can't talk with any of her friends, a la female style, to get feedback, so she has to keep it inside her-so in a sense she is closetted too. Unfortunate how crossdressing reaches out its tentacles.

[Ralph]

I know she suspects I have used anti androgens and estrogen so it is more than just fetish pantyhose on an otherwise heterosexual male.
So do you? If you do and you're lying to her about it, you're putting a terrible strain on your relationship. And if you are taking hormone treatments, you have to decide what's more important to you - physically showing female traits, or having a wife. Dude, you can't have it both ways; that's not fair to her.

ralph

[Lisa Golightly]

I know she suspects I have used anti androgens and estrogen so it is more than just fetish pantyhose on an otherwise heterosexual male. I doubt, incidentally, that there many who post and read on this forum who are really completely 'normal' except for panty love,etc, but I could be wrong.

I think you've been terribly unfair on her. You've risked your own health by taking hormones and not even spoken to her about it...

I just could never do that... In fact the thing I have always been guilty of is driving the girls I loved away... They deserved better than me... and they've all found better than me. I could never put my needs before theirs.

Above all I've always been totally honest with my partners... It may have cost me in many circumstances, but I'm just that type of girl... Besides I always blush when I lie...

Lisa x