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Carole Cross
05-25-2009, 12:09 PM
I am not sure this is the right section buit it is related to TS issues.

A very close friend of mine died ten years ago and I am writing this as a tribute.

I met this friend when Iwas twelve years old and his name was Michael. We seemed to hit it off straight away and became very close, like brothers. We had a lot of good times, we went on holiday to spain, sahred a flat for a while and despite my feelings life seemed quite good at the time.

WE started to see abit less of each other when we both had girlfriends, but we always kept in touch from time to time. He seened to be a bit more confident than me and had more girlfriends and eventually found one who he really fell for.
The relationship seemed to be going well but something happened, I don't know what, and she dumped him. This hit really hard and he started drinking and became an alchoholic.

After this I found that all was not as it seeemed and, although I did not realise at the time, I now believe he had GID. I will not go iunto detail of how I know butI have been thinking about it a lot recently and his actions are certainly some I have since read about on this forum and other sources.

He did eventually come to me for help to overcome his addiction and I tried to help even though my gf at the time did not like me seeing him and tried to drive a wedge between our friendship. I think I did help him to control his drinking but when I last saw him he had not quit completely but he did seem a
lot more like his old self.
The one thing I will never forget is what he said to me on one of the last few times I saw him. He said "shall I have a sex change and then I can be your girlfriend", that left me speechless but I wasn't entirely sure whether he was sober or not, so I didn't question him further. I feel that I let him down but not confessing how I felt because a few months later he drowned in the bath while drunk and I might have been able to save him if I had come out.

All I can say is sorry, but I know it won't bring him back. :sad:

Jonianne
05-25-2009, 12:18 PM
Oh, that is so sad Carole. You were a true friend, don't put guilt on yourself.

Lisa Golightly
05-25-2009, 01:31 PM
It's always difficult to admit who you are and I don't think you can force the timing... It happens when it happens and that is all right and proper. I have to admit I generally clammed up totally around people I thought might be, or who I knew were like me... I wasn't ready to be honest... Just as you weren't ready.

As for the alcohol... I stand guilty of being the same... quadruple shots of vodka sunk in one hit were my daily means of survival... I have damaged my liver through it hence their hawk-like study of my results... and of course with the booze there was the self-harm... Robbie actually admitted he used to follow me home to make sure I got there safetly...

Unlike your friend I was lucky... it could have easily been me...

We all lose people Carole, and somewhere inside is the feeling that if we said that, or went round then that it would make the difference, but we can not change the past only the future...

Lisa x

Heatherx75
05-26-2009, 09:20 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss, Carole. I know you must be replaying the scenarios again and again in your mind, but you must remember that you're not a perfect person, you're not a saint. None of us are. I know I'm not.

When I was younger I would have been mortified by the idea of telling someone that I was trans. It's still hard with certain people. I was terrified of transness in other people, especially if they were comfortable with it. There were many personal failings on my part due to this. I'm sorry to say it, but I don't think that I could have come out in that situation either.:hugs:

I'm just saying that it's not fair to yourself to put the blame on your shoulders. The situation you described sounds like the blind leading the blind. I think that now that you can see, you're remembering everything with 20/20 vision, but you didn't have that at the time. So don't beat yourself up, ok? :hugs:

Again, I'm really sorry for your loss.