Came out to my wife last night.

[Melissa_Ky]

I came out to my wife last night and and she has not spoken to me since. I hope she is just getting her thoughts together. The reason I came out was after reading all of the posts on here from SO's about "I wish he had told me!" I decided to come clean and stop the hiding and lying, to her and myself. I love my wife dearly and am afraid I may have damaged our relationship severly. We have been married 24 years and I truly love her. My god what have I done?

Melissa

[Lisa Golightly]

You've been honest... and that stirs up a mix of emotions. I think all you can do at the moment is stay calm and wait for her response... Don't push her though... Just let her draw her own conclusions in her own time.

Thinking of you...

Lisa x

[happygirl]

Take her, hold her. Tell her she is your woman and that will never change. I know where you are right now. Take her in your arms, kiss her and let her know she is your woman, you are her man. As it settles down let her know about dressing up, she will understand. Just remember, who is the wife, who is the husband. Good luck and I have a good feeling for you. This might be fun for both

[Super Amanda]

Wow, heavy stuff. I was only Married for a bit over 2 years when I came out to my wife, and she felt sooo betrayed by me never telling her about it. I couldn't because I wasn't sure myself at the time. We're divorced, but coming out was only one part my dysfunctional relationship. She agreed that the things she fell in love with me for, my sensitivity, compassion and gentle nature were more feminine than male quality's.

I was hoping getting married would "fix" me back then, and it did, for about 6 months. So I felt like I couldn't tell her.

No matter what the outcome, the burden of secrecy is off of your shoulders. I wish you the best of luck.

[Josey]

I may noy be the best to talk of this subject but agree with most responses of threads; honesty is the best policy. With my kind of luck, she will discuss this with you, trying to understand your motives. Most threads are positive and you are likely going to receive the same. Go slow but maintain the honesty. Best regards!

[RachelDenise]

Give her time. This is a lot to digest in a night. Be open, be available and be honest. That starts with yourself. Know what you're going to say about what you are and what you want to do. After 24 years, she'll have a lot of questions.

[Bobbi Em]

Give her time. This is a lot to digest in a night...

Sooo true...I mean, how long did it take all of us to come to terms with it in our own lives?

Patience. Reassurance. Not expecting too much too soon....Whatever happens, putting the deception behind will build a stronger future.

Bobbi

[LisaMichaels]

I hope after the shock of her finding out she has the desire to learn about the heart and soul of the crossdresser. I wished I had came out earlier. My wife was very understanding. I told her all about my childhood desires to feel like a girl, long before I was sexually active. Make sure to let her know that this isn't a sexual perverted thing that we do for a thrill. I think that's what most women feel it is and have a hard time believing that is much deeper that that. You stand your ground and keep being the husband that she has loved and been with for 24 years and let her read about other crossdressers who has written about their stories and struggles. It takes alot of guts and love and honesty to tell you SO about your feelings about this. I hope she'll come around and respect your honesty. If you're like me, I've tried to surpress it but it won. I could not ever change it. It was stronger than me. When my wife realized it and wasn't threaten by my crossdressing, she jumped in head first and has made many great contributions to my feminine side. I hope you both the best.

[Karren H]

Ouch.... At least mine talked to me.... I'd try to get her to talk about it or something... Keeping it bottled up insice is not good, IMHO...

[luv2x-dress53959]

Give it time Melissa. She probably has a lot of mixed emotions right now that she can't figure out. Hope everything gets better for you two. Autumn

[BLUE ORCHID]

The ball is in her court now take it slow and easy remember baby steps
don't push the issue let her sort things out things may be cool / ice cold
for awhile.
Maybe flowers and a nice card remember there are no set of rules
for her to follow she will makeup her own set of rules as she goes.
For me it's don't ask don't tell my wife tolerates it so I don't push it.
Keep us advised and good luck.
.................................................. ......thanks........ORCHID

[Sandra]

You say you've been married for 24 years, just imagine if she told you something after being married for that lenght of time, how would you feel? one thing would probably be that, you felt you couldn't be trusted and this maybe how she is feeling amongst other things.

Ask her to sit and have a chat with you about what's been said, tell her you'll answer her questions as honestly as you can. Let her know that she's not alone and tell her about the GGs here and our section we have here.

One thing don't push things, if she won't chat then tell her that you are there when she's ready to talk.

[MJ]

I came out to my wife last night and and she has not spoken to me since. I hope she is just getting her thoughts together. The reason I came out was after reading all of the posts on here from SO's about "I wish he had told me!" I decided to come clean and stop the hiding and lying, to her and myself. I love my wife dearly and am afraid I may have damaged our relationship severly. We have been married 24 years and I truly love her. My god what have I done?

Melissa

i was married for 21.5 years. it did not go well for me. but please please let us know how it turns out. all the very best wishes to you

[Miranda09]

Give it time Melissa. It's alot for wife to take in. You've been married for 24 years because there is a close bond betwen you two. Give her some space and it'll work out. :)

[LisaM]

Melissa,

Like everyone else here I believe that you absolutely did the right thing in telling her. It is too much of a burden to hide ans it is far better coming from you than finding out by herself.

But given the 24 years together I suspect it is going to take her some time to digest it. Be there for her when she is ready to talk. Be honest and open. And let her know that you are still her husband and will always be her husband. Let her know about this forum and be prepared to show her where she can be educated about crossdressing.

Most importantly, show her that you love her.

[Sam-antha]

Go talk to her, don't wait for her to talk to you.
You are still the you she has lived with, whatever she may be thinking now.
Say "I love you"

~Samm

[rufus rabbit]

WoW thats a pretty amazing thing you've done... You found the courage. It has taken you 24 years to find the right time for you to tell her, give her a while to get her head round it all. Some times it just takes a bit of time. Make sure you don't push her for a conversation. Sometimes when your angry, hurt or pushed into talking you make the Best speech you'll ever regret.

Love her and show how much you need her. I wish you luck and lots of happy times to come hopefully xx

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Melissa-

<big hug> Good for you, hon, you did do the right thing, but I bet you're scared to death right now, aren't you? And she probably is, too, about where it's all going to lead and about what else you may not have told her. FWIW, my wife and I will celebrate our 26th this November, I came out to her after we had been married for 19 years. So far, she has been supportive and accepting, for which I feel very, very lucky, but that's not to say there haven't been issues.

When she does decide to talk to you, Melissa, be prepared to answer a whole lot of very emotional and perhaps even angry and confrontative questions. You will need to think hard yourself about who you are, what you want and what being TG means to you. And of course none of us can know how our feelings may change in the future, either. Some of the questions she may have are:

1. Are you gay? Do you "dress up" so you can sleep with other men?
2. Do you still love me? Do you want a divorce?
3. How long have you been doing this?
4. What else are you hiding from me?
5. Do you want a sex change? Does accepting you make me a lesbian?
6. What will our family think if they find out?
7. Do you want to dress up 24/7?
8. How will it affect your job if your boss finds out?
9. Do you know how embarassed I will be if our neighbors/church members find out?
10. Why didn't you tell me before we got married?

Some of these are questions my wife asked me, some are questions other wives asked TG friends of mine and for sure, this is not an exhaustive list, she may have many more even tougher ones and they won't all be asked all at once. Just be as honest as you can be and also realize it will take time for your wife to even start to come to terms with it. As someone else pointed out, we have had all our lives to try and deal with our feelings and are all still struggling to one degree or another.

All I can say personally, Melissa, is that I wish you all the luck in the world. You did do the right thing, honesty in any relationship is the most important thing there is. Let her know that you love her, let her know you are the same person you have always been, be honest. Believe it or not, many marriages do survive and come out all the stronger. Please let us know how it goes for you, I wish both you and your wife the best. Good luck, girl.

Hugs...Joni Marie

[Jocelyn Quivers]

4. What else are you hiding from me?


In addition to everything else Joni listed I think that one sums it up pretty well to what your wife is thinking. Give her time to digest everything. I hope things work out for you.

[Tamara Croft]

I applaud you for telling her, after 24 years, that must have been really hard to do. Now all you can do is wait, let it sink in, be ready for the questions, let her know there is a board full of GG's like her, tell her she isn't alone. She'll have 101 things going on right now, let her absorb what you told her, let her come back to you to talk, she will when she's ready. :hugs:

[SherriePall]

Told my wife after 24 years of marriage (couple of months away from our 25th). She was not a happy camper, but calmed down after a couple of days and started asking me "those questions." She's not supportive, but tolerates my dressing if she doesn't see.
My advice is to take it easy, let her ask questions, don't push, tell her she is still the only one for you and show her that love.

[Holly]

I'm sure it is of little comfort knowing that you did the right thing, but the fact of the matter is that you did :). Not telling your wife earlier on in the relationship was a mistake, but mistakes can (and should) be corrected. If during the previous 24 years the two of you have built your relationship on a firm foundation of love, then I am confident the two of you will survive in tact. As the others have counseled already, be prepared to give her a bit of time to absorb the news and then be equally prepared to discuss with your wife and answer the questions she is going to have as honestly and candidly as you can. Life after disclosure can be fulfilling and rewarding for both. Best wishes.

[Melinda G]

I'm sure it is of little comfort knowing that you did the right thing, but the fact of the matter is that you did
You're absolutely correct. It's little comfort!
How many times do I have to post this. Do not come out to anyone. The Truth and Honesty Squad is small comfort when your wife files for divorce, and you are losing your wife, kids and home! There are a hundred threads here on this. Come out at your peril!

[Alice B]

What worked for me was to search the web about cross dressing and print out everything that applied to me. Then gave it to my wife to read and digest. Afterwards we sat down and had a good talk and I answered all her questions with total honesty. Over time she came to accept it and now allows me dressing time. She may not be 100% in favor of it, but she does understand my needs and accepts them and in her own way supports me. Just hang in there and keep the lines of communication open.

[jennCD]

When I told my wife 2 years ago, she was silent for little more than a day,... internalizing, weighing, contemplating options. it took her a while to simply wrap her head around the whole idea. You have to admit, it's not something anyone expects in that situation, right?
Just give it time.


:)
jenn

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I am so sorry to hear that your wife took it the way that she apparently did.

My spouse has known about me for 37 years of our 38 year marriage - I did

not come out and tell her, she found my make-up. Her attitude has waxed

and waned over the years - she does not like for me to spend money on

JoAnne - she says that I love her more than I do her - she tolerates me

because she says that she loves me and she knows that this will never go

away and that if JoAnne does not get some time, then I get so depressed

and irritable and despondent. She has boundaries which I am not fond of,

but which I know are what keeps us together.

I hope that in time, your spouse will come to realize that you are still the

same person, that your feminine side is just a part of you, and that you did

not ask to be this way, and that you have had to live with this since you

were young, and that it will never go away. I hope that she will realize

that we are not "bad" people. I hope that she will realize that there are

millions of us out there and that most are married. It is not the end of the

world.

JoAnne Wheeler

[Angel.Marie76]

As many have already said, TIME sometimes is a good thing... If she goes as far as maintaining this silence in such a way that it causes difficulty in completing day-to-day tasks, then obviously there will be a need to force communication in a minimal fashion. If the communication is bittered at that point then perhaps at least stating the obvious - that YES, she's upset, but HEY! We DO have a life to continue living here, and we should be at least adult enough to keep the wheels moving for the time being...

Once you can at least be assured that 'reality as we knew/know it' is still operating, it might suffice for a time to say that you understand her upsettness, and that you want the opportunity to 'talk' it out in an even-handed way. Make the time if you can and chat about it.. Communication is key - for, once indifference is reached, all may be lost..

Best of luck hun! :hugs:

[SouthernBelle.GG]

I know you're worried, but she has a lot to think about right now. You've had decades to come to terms with this, so give her time and space. But make sure to let her know that any questions she has, you'll answer as best as you can. That's one thing that really bothered me after finding out - I had so many questions that he just wasn't willing or ready or able to answer.

I wish you the best of luck! :hugs:

[jackie_p]

So sorry that it went badly for you. I told my wife almost three months
ago after 26 years of marriage. We are still married, we are talking, we
still love each other. It is not easy and we are seeing a counselor to help
us communicate and get through our problems.

I don't push it. She doesn't want to see or participate and I respect that.
I'm basically letting things progress at a pace that she is comfortable with.
However, I do think that you need to pursue her to get her to talk. I
don't think that it is in either of your best interest to NOT talk about it.

Good luck to you!

Jackie

[TxKimberly]

. . . My god what have I done . . .

You did the right thing Melissa, that's what you have done. You gave your wife the courtesy, trust, and respect that she deserved. You have just rocked her entire world - give her a little while to come to terms with what you have told her.

[Trip_rockcity]

eeshh.. never an easy one that.. better late then never..
..youv done what u feel was right..

[Dana Lane]

I hope everything turns out good for you! It broke my heart when I read "My god what have I done". :rose2:

[Melissa_Ky]

Thank all of you for the kind words and encouragement. YES, I am scared as hell of losing my wife! She is what gives my life meaning and it kills me to see that I have hurt her so much. I have no choice but to give her some time as work and other obligations will keep us apart till tomorrow evening. I gave her a letter I had written last night (see below) as a way to tell her. To watch her as she read the letter and see the look upon her face as she digested the words was painful. I love this women so much yet I was the cause of the pain. Her only statements weres " This changes my whole perception of the man I married" and "This card should have been laid on the table before we were married". I hope I report positive progress shortly. Keep us in your thoughts.

Melissa

My letter to her follows:

For some time I have been visiting a forum on the Internet to chat with, read about and learn from people with whom I have a common interest. It is an interest that, I think, you are only partially aware of. It is an interest I have had since my earliest memories. I can not remember when I first became aware of this interest I just know I do not remember a time before it. From reading online it is an interest most men do not share with their SO’s (Significant Others) because of fear, embarrassment, don’t want to risk the relationship etc. It is also an interest that the SO’s say they wish they had been told of earlier because the hiding, lying etc was worse then being told. So here goes.

I am a heterosexual male-to-female cross dresser. Since I was a little kid I have had a desire to dress in women’s clothing. I have always had the desire to wear lingerie. It feels so much better then guy clothing/underwear against my skin. While there is a certain sexual gratification in doing so I have felt driven to do it since before I knew what sex was. My fantasies and dreams that have dealt with sexuality have always been with me being female over 95% of the time. This feeling has always been a part of me, it is NOT something new, a phase I am going through or something I will grow out of. It has been part of the guy you fell in love with since you first met me. I have done my best to deny the desire, to ignore it only to have it constantly in the back of my mind. I’ve felt miserable trying to repress the feelings and wish to be mentally healthier and happier. Obviously, I can not wear some things out in public because of society’s attitudes. A girl can wear guy clothing but not vice-versa. Wearing famine garments is not something I want to do all the time but do wish to do at home at times. Our nest is soon to be empty so there will just be you and I to know. I ordered some panties over the Internet recently and have been wearing them under my clothing and not only do they feel good on but mentally I feel happier. I wish to expand on this some and not have to hide in doing so.

From research I have done online I have learned that male-to-female heterosexual cross-dressing appears to result from more estrogen in the body then most males. While genetically male there is enough estrogen for a famine side, at least mentally, to exist. Cross-dressing is a way to get in touch with, appease, whatever that side. While I have a desire to wear female clothing I have no attraction to men. I am NOT homosexual. I do not wish to grow breast nor have sexual reassignment surgery. I love you and only want to be with you. I am still the man you fell in love with. I am also the man that would like to get made up and wear a skirt around you at times!

Several years ago you found a girdle I had and got all upset about it because I, stupidly, said it belonged to an old girlfriend. I can understand you getting upset about me keeping something like that from an old girlfriend! You threw it in the trash. I was embarrassed to tell you it was MINE, that I liked wearing it. I did in the end tell you and you said you started to get it back out of the trash but it was soiled with food and catsup so you left it. I took this, the fact you were going to retrieve it, as a, at least, partial acceptance of my wearing lingerie. I hope I was not wrong.

In fact, I hope you don’t think I am some sick, diseased animal that needs to be shot. I sincerely hope you can accept this part of me as it has always been there just not openly around you. I do not wish to hide my activities from you because I know that is wrong. I wish to be totally open and honest with you about this. You can never imagine how hard it has been for me to tell you this, even if I did it in a letter. A letter is the best way for me to say all I need to say and not forget anything. Now, the biggest question I have is have I harmed our relationship by coming clean with you? Do we even have a relationship now? I sure hope so because I still love you as much as I ever have and do NOT wish to lose you. I know I’ve given you a LOT to think about here and want you to have the time to understand how you feel about this. If you have ANY questions for me let me know as I do not wish there to be ANY more secrets between us. I love you and need your love to feel whole. Please, when you are done with this letter, let me have it back so I can destroy it. This letter is NOT something I want left around.

With ALL my love,

[charlie]

Hello Melissa!
Wow, sorry about the coming storm. I sincerely hope that her silence is just the thought processes that are brewing before the storm breaks and you have an all out discussion. It is to scary a thing for me to risk. My wife knows I dress, but does not want to talk about it, hear about it or see it. If any of those things happened she would leave. Sop we are don't tell, don't ask. I give you high marks for honesty, and truthfulness though. Certainly 24 years of marriage will get you through this. Good Luck! You are in my prayers.

[Di]

Give her time to digest it, she might have rage, questions,ups and downs and all of the above.........but when you can talk to her remind her you are the same person she has loved that nothing is different/ except now she knows AND you were afraid to tell her afraid of losing her. Also what you wrote
She is what gives my life meaning and it kills me to see that I have hurt her so much. please tell her this as well.
ALSO if she doesn't understand and trys to tell you to quit try explaining it to her and do not promise something that as we both know is not do able/ you can work any and all this out and like the others ladies have said send her to us in Fab......we can help her and she will have others to talk to:hugs:
Best Wishes:love:

[Jacquilynne]

Melissa,

I can totally understand where you are coming from. . .and I'm being truthful in saying tat . I have been married for 12 years and on New Years Eve, during a serious discussion, my wife commented that she had noticed a few things I carelessly let slip by. so I figured I would truthfully tell her everything about Jacqui . . .

Now here I sit in a new quiet apartment as about 3 months ago my wife took our 4 young children and left me. She only told me by text message she had left! Also, she didn't just move across town but now lives 4 states away and I have not heard from my children at all :(

So I hurt as you do and I hope and pray that your marriage will remain strong. I love my wife and my children and am reminded by the quietness of the house daily that they are now gone. Just give her time and please don't rush into anything or push too hard even if she does eventually seem somewhat accepting. For that is what I did wrong and and ruined our relationship . . . my selfishness in letting the pink fog envelop me. . .was the last straw. :(

Now I'm having to deal with Lawyers, legal costs, child support and visitation. I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest and my wife at first appeared to be accepting but after awhile I found out this was only an act and in fact she was too freaked out to properly communicate her feelings with me.

So, know you are not the only one going through this :(

(((hugs)))

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Her only statements weres " This changes my whole perception of the man I married" and "This card should have been laid on the table before we were married".


Well, I hope this works out for you when the dust settles. It took a lot of courage to finally come out to her after so long. Remember, a whole lot of time has passedm and that it may take a long time for her to absorb all of this.
Again, as others have wisely counseled here... allow her the space to digest it all because it is a LOT in her world right now.

In the end, if she loves you things have a good chance of working out.

*hugs*

Zarabeth

[Hope]

This is no doubt a difficult time for both of you.

Here are a few random thoughts for you - none of them but the last one in any particular order

I liked your letter. I thought it was through, heartfelt, and honest. But I am not the one being surprised by it. Perhaps it was more information than she wanted at one time. In the future, try to talk with her rather than writing. I know that organizing one's thoughts on the fly can be a bitch - but when you are talking to someone, you can watch their reactions and taylor your comments to how they can best hear you at the moment.

You have had what, 40 years to figure this out? Expect your wife will take more than 40 hours. Be available to answer questions, no matter how redundant they are, no matter how insulting they are, no matter how ridiculous or uncomfortable they are. And don't expect your wife to bring them up, ask her if there are questions she has been thinking about, ask her how she is feeling about all of this. Make sure you are the one answering the questions for her, and not the girls at the salon.

Her bit about "This changes my whole perception of the man I married." You are going to want to get on top of that one. Remind her that you are no different than you were a week ago, the only thing different is that she knows about it. Drive this one home. If she loved you last week, she should still love you this week.

Cross dressing is not a bomb, it is not a cancer, it is not some horrible monster that has happened to you. It is not sinful. It is something different, but novelty is the spice of life. Make sure you do not portray your cross dressing as something horrible (unless you want her to think it is horrible). Portray it as something fun, as a personality quirk, as something enjoyable. If you act like prey, you will become prey.

Remind her again that this isn't about sex (unless for you it is) - but don't do it so much that it sounds like you are protesting too much.

You are an adult human being and deserving of respect.

You are an adult human being, and have every right to conceal or reveal as much or as little to other human beings as you feel comfortable with. You also have the right to decide when and where you wish to reveal information about yourself. Remember that when she gives you crap about "you should have told me before we were married." Should you have? Maybe? Did you? No. And you can't go back, so move on from here.

You will be accused of lying. I don't understand that one either. Did your wife ever ask you if you were a cross dresser? Did you lie?

For the record, I am a priest, and I have married many couples, not once in all of those vows did I ever hear "and I vow that I will not cross dress, or identify myself as transgender." or anything that might be construed as such. I have however heard on several occasions pledges of fidelity and commitment in both sickness and in health, good times and bad. That does not just refer to the sniffles or sitting through a crummy movie. You never promised to not cross dress, she did promise to support you; though you are going to want to be careful about how you apply that standard. As I said above - this is a difficult time for you BOTH, and you both need to turn towards each other for support and reassurance. This isn't about her getting to beat you up, and it isn't about you getting to skip around like you got away with something - this is about you two working your situation out together, as adults who sort of like each other and have made commitments to one another.

Finally:

Cross dressing will not ruin a good marriage. Cross dressing will utterly obliterate a crummy marriage and may do any number of things to a so-so marriage, but if you have a good marriage, a marriage where your spouse is your best friend (with benefits), a marriage where your spouse admires you and sees you for the wonderful person that you are (and vice versa); then this may take her some time to digest - but the two of you will be fine, perhaps even stronger down the road. On the other hand - if your marriage is held together out of habit, or "for the kids," or because divorce is a "sin," for financial reasons, or by duck tape - I would start protecting my assets.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Dear Melissa-

After I read your last post, the one containing the letter you wrote to your wife and was reading through the posts the other girls added I started to think of what I might say from my perspective as someone who is out to their spouse and for whom things have worked out well. Then I read Hope's post and found there really isn't anything that I can meaningfully add to what she wrote.

However, even though I don't know you, I can tell you that I wish you the very best, both you and your wife. My heart goes out to you. Please, no matter what ensues, remember that there are people here who understand what you are going through and will offer sympathy and support and hopefully congratulations on a happy outcome.

Hugs...Joni Marie

[Kate17]

Melissa- give her time. It is important for you to understand your wife and the objections she perceives. Like a good salesgirl, if you do not know that, you will not close the sale. You have to find this out from her by listening carefully while not being pushy about it. Good luck - I hope it works out for you and for me, it was worth it. I hope it will be for you.

Melinda, don't you think every one needs to know who they are coming out to? There is no one right judgement call here.You may be right if you wife has rigid beliefs but if your wife/friend/so is open minded, caring, and loving, then you have a much better chance that she will love you after she knows the truth. I speak from my own experience. I came out 3 weeks ago and now my wife is laughing about it - I think she is beginning to actually like it. But, I knew her well and believed before I told her that she would understand. She did and I feel on top of the world.

[anna kate]

After 25 years I told the love of my life about me. I didn't have this forum or know of anything or place to turn for info. My wife took it badly (my opinion) enough that I ended up in "dry dock" for three months. We did talk from the time I told her however and your letter could be a transcript of our early conversations.

Be ready for some very pointed questions. Answer them to the best of your ability. Don't count on the "gift of gab" to carry you through this. She needs truth, which it sounds like you want to relate to her. I was scared s***less I was going to lose my wife, but just had to tell her. The only thing that has challenged our marriage more, was losing four of our five kids in a car crash.

I'm sure you two have a love for each other that goes above and beyond, draw on that. Twenty-plus years is tough to throw away, save the marriage first, the rest will follow. Thinking positivly, she'll want to set up boundaries, adhere to them. Down the line, you will want to expand your horizons, don't do it without talking to her about changing the boundaries. This is another screw up I made.

Others on this forum have given you excellent advice, I wish this had been available to my wife and I when we went through this. I wish you the best in your endevor, to save your marriage and come up with something that is pallateable to both you and your wife.

By the way, my wife and I just celebrated our 43rd anniversary. I hope God, or whatever Supreme Being you believe in, is watching over you, helping you to see the correct path to follow.
From the heart, Anna Kate

[Melinda G]

Melinda, don't you think every one needs to know who they are coming out to? There is no one right judgement call here.You may be right if you wife has rigid beliefs but if your wife/friend/so is open minded, caring, and loving, then you have a much better chance that she will love you after she knows the truth. I speak from my own experience. I came out 3 weeks ago and now my wife is laughing about it - I think she is beginning to actually like it. But, I knew her well and believed before I told her that she would understand. She did and I feel on top of the world.
On the face of it, this seems reasonable. But you don't know what her reaction will be, until you have told her, and then it's too late. And as we've seen time and again, on this board, for every SO or wife who accepts it, a dozen or more don't! And many say they are OK with it, while they quietly consider their options, and make plans to leave. Women know men get upset, and sometimes violent when they leave, so most don't tell you what they are going to do, until they are gone. We see it on this board, day after day. A guy gets a text message, or comes home and finds a note on the kitchen table, and the house cleaned out, when he thought things were going splendidly.
This is a major issue for most women, who don't know how to handle it, and many more who don't even want to be bothered handling it, or learning about it. Imagine your reaction, if your wife let the hair grow out on her legs and underarms, and started dressing like a man. You would be turned off by it. So, put yourself in her position, and think about it. It's not always about us.
I stand by what I've said, many times here. Tell no one! One the other hand, if you think you may be the one in 10 whose SO accepts it, go for it. Some people are incurable gamblers.

[Jacquilynne]

. . .but if you have a good marriage, a marriage where your spouse is your best friend (with benefits), a marriage where your spouse admires you and sees you for the wonderful person that you are (and vice versa); then this may take her some time to digest - but the two of you will be fine, perhaps even stronger down the road. . .

Interesting as I for 12 years had thought my marriage was as described in this quote. . . then I was caught by surprise when she left. . . :( I have to live with the guilt that it was because of my selfishness that my marriage has been ruined. . . There are other reasons as well but my presenting as Jacqui more and more openly was the final act.

[ReineD]

As the others have counseled already, be prepared to give her a bit of time to absorb the news and then be equally prepared to discuss with your wife and answer the questions she is going to have as honestly and candidly as you can.

Kudos to you for telling your wife after all this time, although I suspect she might have sensed that something was amiss if you've been CDing for 24 years. I especially agree with the second part of Holly's sentence; be prepared to answer your wife's questions as honestly as you can. You will also want to reassure her that you are still the same person that you've always been. You no doubt have proven yourself to be a good husband (and father?) during your married life and nothing you say now can change this.

But, it is equally important to adequately prepare before telling a wife, especially after all this time. I do not know if you gave her some resources when you told her or if you also told her that you love her, she will always be your wife, and you will always be her husband.

My SO sent me this link when he told me, and it did answer most of my preliminary questions. You might want to print it and give it to your wife, and also invite her to join this forum for support.

Tri-Ess.org - What is a Crossdresser? (http://www.tri-ess.org/cd01.html)

I wish you and your wife all the best.
:hugs:

[Hope]

Interesting as I for 12 years had thought my marriage was as described in this quote. . . then I was caught by surprise when she left. . . :( I have to live with the guilt that it was because of my selfishness that my marriage has been ruined. . . There are other reasons as well but my presenting as Jacqui more and more openly was the final act.

No marriage is ruined by one single thing. No marriage is destroyed by any single issue. no marriage is destroyed by either partner. Just like it takes 2 to tango, it takes 2 to either make or break a marriage.

I have no doubt that you had a hand in whatever happened in your marriage - but you are responsible for no more, or less, than 50% of what happened. Your wife has an equal responsibility.

As you said - the dressing was only the final act, not the entire show. If you insist on carrying the guilt around - don't carry it around because of the dressing. No matter what you ex might say to the contrary - she was not perfect either, and you don't have to accept her version of events as fact.

[Super Amanda]

No marriage is ruined by one single thing. No marriage is destroyed by any single issue. no marriage is destroyed by either partner. Just like it takes 2 to tango, it takes 2 to either make or break a marriage.

I have no doubt that you had a hand in whatever happened in your marriage - but you are responsible for no more, or less, than 50% of what happened. Your wife has an equal responsibility.

As you said - the dressing was only the final act, not the entire show. If you insist on carrying the guilt around - don't carry it around because of the dressing. No matter what you ex might say to the contrary - she was not perfect either, and you don't have to accept her version of events as fact.


YES! My ex tried to lay the responsibility of our marriages failure all on me. And for a while I believed it. Sometimes we only remember the good times, but I had to remind myself of all of the malicious and hurtful things she did BEFORE she knew I was TG.

[TanyaJane]

Hiya Melissa, i would just like to say well done and i hope things work out for you and your wife! i am in a similar situation now as i told my wife last night too, my heart is still racing but i feel so much better in myself already now hopefully the torment and confusion can start to settle and i can learn to be me and a happy me!, i have no regrets about telling her as i am feeling that no matter what the outcome is i am no longer feeling surpressed, i am expecting to feel many things over the coming months but have set limits as to how i will allow myself to feel, i have also thought loads about my wifes feelings and at one point she was laughing when i said she would only really hate me if i looked better than she does. i just tried to make light of things after the initial shock for her. if your wife truly loves you and cares about how you feel she will come round eventually, just don't get heavy or depressed as you need to stay positive for your own sanity life can be hard enough on its own. i tried lots of ways of addressing her questions but in the end realised all she wanted is the plain truth and no beating around the bush, respect for respect and it seemed to go really well (so far).
I have just purchased a couple of wigs some make up some panties, nightie, stockings, skirt, and some other bits, at one point in our convo she said to me, aint my stuff good enough for you (jokingly), to which i replied no it would make my bum look fat, and she laughed, so i guess i am trying to say try to make light and laugh at yourself as thats what i did and it seemed to settle things down although there were a few tumbleweed moments!
and you say oh my god what have i done !!!!
You have made and done the most positive thing in your life and you should feel proud of yourself melissa just dont get over confident and take it slowly, i have arranged with my wife to get all my girl stuff and at a time when she feels ready i will be Tanyajane. i will refrain from her until my wife is ready as i am hoping that angle of respect will work best, and she can come round to the idea and perhaps help me become her to stop her feeling pushed away or unwanted or neglected or whatever else she might be feeling, without being pushy towards her but give it time for her, although i am bursting at the seems to be me but i only want that if i can feel comfortable in my own home and my wife can feel comfortable in it too, but i also know not to let things be quiet for too long as my feelings are important too. hopefully soon there will be a photo of me on here (watch this space).
i would like to wish you well melissa and i really hope things work out for you and your wife
all the best

Tanyajane xxxx

[daviolin]

I know the feeling. I just came out to my wife about a month ago. It's been up and down ever since. There is good days and bad days. Be prepared it will probally always be this way. But it will improve over time. I've been married 33 years when I told my wife. I was a lot for her to chew on. The best thing to do as hard as it is, is to don't over due the dressing right now. Let her set the pace. I know you won't like it, because the wifes pace is usually really slow. So remember Baby Steps. Good luck in the future:hugs:Daviolin

[Melissa_Ky]

I am hanging in there. My wife still has not spoken more then 5 sentances to me since I told her. Most of those about other things! I hope everything works out as I would hate to think I ruined my marrage by being honest. Melissa has been grounded and can not come out to play until things settle down, MUCH to my dismay, but I feel it is best not to introduce her to my wife at the moment. The kind words from everyone have helped me keep a small grip on sanity and not panic and go off the deep end. For that I say THANKS. I will let everyone know how it goes over the next few days. Keep wishing me luck, I need all I can get.

Melissa

[JulieC]

Melissa, hang in there. You did a very hard thing. You're right; you need to keep Melissa in the box for now, and not overwhelm your wife.

You might try, at a later point, getting a book or two for her on the subject. Right now, she's in a vacuum. She only has what you've told her to go on. Getting insight from other sources might help her.

[Sam-antha]

I - we in here - am/are wishing luck and understanding to you both.

[KarenS]

I recently had the 'talk' with my wife of 34 years. It was very difficult. I am still unsure how it is turning out. But, my wife is talking to me anyway. Wish I could help with some advice but I can't give advice on what I don't understand myself yet.

Hang in there. The love between you should be worth the honesty.

[mklinden2010]

Good for you for being a good person. You decided it was time to do a, as you thought it, a necessary thing, and you did it. Cat's outta that bag, no secrets, no unplanned discoveries down the road.

As to how...

What if what our SOs wanted was not a letter or list of things that were on OUR minds, but a letter or list of things we thought might be on THEIR minds?

Your letter is fine, if it's an essay you're working on about yourself... "Am I or aren't I?" But, it's not so good to present to someone else to read - leaving them to sort it all out.

Goodness. She probably didn't marry you to have you create life problems, but because she thought you were pretty good at solving them.

What partner wants to have their SO bring them a list of things they are worrying about and say, "Here, you figure this out and be responsible for it - I just can't deal with it then, now, or, later."?

Ka-dump!

What do you suppose would have happened if you'd said, "You know, I've been thinking about things and, I gotta tell you, I thought I'd outgrown all this but..."

The only time I ever had a problem talking to anyone about all this is when I thought it was a bigger deal than it was. Woman wear women's clothes all the time. To them, it's mostly just something to throw on. If it's more than that, there's an agenda.

So, their first calculating thought is, "What's your agenda. Are you gay? Are you TG? Do you have a lover?"

So, if you're going to bring it up, consider the answers that you can reasonably expect.

"My agenda is that this floats my boat now and then. I could be gay, but I've never really thought that much about it. If I'm TG, I guess I'm TG. You've known me 24 years... Did you ever think I was? A lover? Well, you."

If you have problems with some of the answers say:

"I don't know. It does worry me that I could be, that somehow people get that way, or, are... But, I don't know... What do you think, at least until right now? What kind of person did I seem like? I think I'm still pretty much the same person. I just thought I should bring it up because it seemed better to bring it up now than either of us being surprised by it later."

Communicate. Communicate like you always do when talking about taking a loan out for a car or getting a dog. Assume there will be differences of opinion, options, time tables, the usual.

Mostly, don't trip over yourself. Be as normal as you have ever been and, if you have to present this later in the relationship than you'd like, just own up to it being a bit unhandy and get on with it.

Some of what has been said in these posts is excellent. Slow is good, and sometimes less is better. In this case, letting someone read pages stuff might be harder than simply talking with them.

Shoulda saved that letter as your own "Cliff's notes"

Oh, well... Just apologize for causing problems and go wash the car.

Everybody screws up and she probably didn't marry just for your looks...

So, you'll be OK.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Wow, Mary K, so right on.

Hugs...Joni Marie

[WandaRae2009]

I too kept it a secret for 24 years as well. I thought it was the end when I told her. It was a rough couple of months. I found a therapist listed in a local support group web site. Actually it was one not so close. We had one session and talked through many issues, and we are working it through. It has been 9 months or so. My SO is now tolerant, I am hoping someday to be more participating and accepting. It would be great to go shopping together someday. Keep telling her you are still you and that is who she fell in love with so many years ago. You are the same person and maybe those hidden traits are part of what attracted her to you. Lots of luck

[Melinda G]

Since I keep thinking about this, here is another take on it.
What are your real motivations for coming out, if you've been CDing for 15 or 20 years, and haven't been found out? Are you really motivated by a deep desire to be totally honest with your partner, even if it hurts her, and ends your relationship? Or are you perhaps looking for some kind of validation, acceptance, and maybe a green light to dress more openly around the house? I can assure you, the relationship will never be the same again, even if she doesn't leave. Many women will stay for various reasons. The kids. Financial security, etc. But they will never again see you in the same light, as before you came out. You will never again be the man they married. And they may have visions of you dressed, every time you go to bed.
As I've posted many times, crossdressing is sexually driven for most of us, unless you really are gay. You wouldn't show your wife your collection of porn magazines, or tell her you masturbate. So why would you tell her you crossdress? It's no different. I really think many of you are just looking for permission to do it more openly, after years of hiding it. It's a major mistake, and even though there may be other problems with the relationship, coming out will be the last straw for many women.

[mklinden2010]

>>>As I've posted many times, crossdressing is sexually driven for most of us, unless you really are gay. You wouldn't show your wife your collection of porn magazines, or tell her you masturbate. So why would you tell her you crossdress? It's no different. I really think many of you are just looking for permission to do it more openly, after years of hiding it. It's a major mistake, and even though there may be other problems with the relationship, coming out will be the last straw for many women.

Melinda G,

Much of human behavior has a sexual component. Taste, for instance... Sure, you don't talk about it much, but, we all know it's there, and, if even if it never occurred to us, we "get it" when someone brings it up... Like an ice cream cone is just and ice cream cone... Right.

I've come into relationships all my life with baggage like porn magazines, habits like looking at other women when my SO could see, and things like that. What I've learned is I'm better off if I just show them the box and go, "See, I'm a guy. So, sue me." What I've learned is I should say, "Damn. That girl IS dressed to KILL!" What I've learned is, "I kinda like this. I think it's cool. I think everybody needs a little of this and a little of that." In other words, I'm honest about who I am and what I am doing.

The response?

"So, how do I fit into all that looking and thinking? Should I dress like that girl? Should we get you some clothes like that? How much of "this and that" do you need --- tonight?"

Turns out, there's not all that much downside to being yourself, if you can figure out what makes you tick, what makes you happy, what keeps you in balance, and find someway to share that with the people who WANT to be close to YOU.

Your SO wants to know you, wants an intimate relationship with someone, want someone they can trust and share with. Give them something to work with, not work on. Rather than try to fix you, they may rather fix you up so you wind up being more available to them.

Do you think women who encourage the guys to watch football all day Sunday do it because they like football? No, they like the guy who likes football. Same with boxing, wrestling, car racing, drinking, crossdresssing, hiking, woodworking. "Oh, he's great. And, he keeps himself busy doing something all the time."

The last straw for most people is not that you spent the rent money, that you stayed out drinking, that you kissed her sister... The last straw is that you lied about some or all of that and left your SO wondering why her nearest, dearest, and most important relationship isn't near and dear at all...

Break the ice... Show some trust.... Get real and be real:

"Sure, I masturbate. Everybody does at one time or another. Are you telling me you haven't given yourself a little "me time" in the past twenty years? Oh, baby... We need to talk."

[CandyDarling]

You're absolutely correct. It's little comfort!
How many times do I have to post this. Do not come out to anyone. The Truth and Honesty Squad is small comfort when your wife files for divorce, and you are losing your wife, kids and home! There are a hundred threads here on this. Come out at your peril!


Melinda is right. I would have never come out to her if I hadn't been careless with images on my computer. I'm glad I did in the end - we seem to be OK (she wants no part of it - I hear this - " I married a MAN!") Hopefully she will come to terms. I will say that in every other instance when I have come out it was absolutley the wrong thisng to do - stick together. Thats it.

I hope it will be OK for you- - it is such an incredibly complicated subject. At least you know we understand.

[JulieC]

As I've posted many times, crossdressing is sexually driven for most of us, unless you really are gay.

Strongly, emphatically disagree with this statement. I do not crossdress for sexual thrills, and I'm very willing to be most crossdressers do not dress for sexual thrills. Further, those of us that do not crossdress for sexual thrills are not gay.


You wouldn't show your wife your collection of porn magazines, or tell her you masturbate. So why would you tell her you crossdress? It's no different. I really think many of you are just looking for permission to do it more openly, after years of hiding it. It's a major mistake, and even though there may be other problems with the relationship, coming out will be the last straw for many women.

If I did have a collection of porn magazines, my wife would know about it (I don't). She does know I masturbate, and she encourages me to do so and I her.

Why would I tell her? Because I want an honest and open relationship with the woman I love. I do not want to have to hide me, to be ashamed of me, to have a part of me in perpetual repression because my wife doesn't know something about me.

Why would I tell her? Because the notion that I could have kept it hidden from her indefinitely is flawed. This forum is filled with stories of wives discovering about their CDing husbands on their own, without their husbands telling them. The pain and suffering induced on these women is completely unfair to them. The chances are very high that discovery will happen. What would happened if you died today? Your wife eventually finds your stash of clothes, and is forever left questioning what the hell it was all about. How cruel is that? What happens if your wife finds your stash on her own? She distrusts you, feels your lives together have been a lie.


I won't advise anyone to tell their wives when at-home, minor children are involved. But otherwise? You bet. It's completely unfair to the wives to not tell, cowardly and self-serving.

[Melinda G]

Clearly, we all see this from different perspectives. If you want to come out, go right ahead. However, the posts on this board from people who came out to their SOs, and had a bad outcome, outnumber the good outcomes by at least 10 to 1. Don't take my word for it. Read them for yourself. This is my last post on this subject!

[mklinden2010]

>>>Clearly, we all see this from different perspectives. If you want to come out, go right ahead. However, the posts on this board from people who came out to their SOs, and had a bad outcome, outnumber the good outcomes by at least 10 to 1. Don't take my word for it. Read them for yourself. This is my last post on this subject!


Melinda G.,

I suppose if every post you make is just going to be a repeat of the same post, perhaps it's just as well you're putting a period to this here and now.

I, on the other hand, will keep posting just as I have been, in way or another, for over a dozen years. I have spent too much time seeing people being miserable over nothing. Cancer is a problem. Being horribly burned is a problem. Going blind and/or not breathing is a problem. But, wearing clothes of the opposite gender - and liking it? NOT... Not really.

There are some wonderful people out and about, and not out and about, who crossdress. They seem to do just fine. Their wives, kids, and friends seem to do just fine. They handle their business - and burden and worry no one.

However, what is seen by a lot of the public are the confused, the guilt ridden, and the anxious. These bruised apples make it tough on the entire barrel. People mostly believe what they see. If they see only "messed up" people crossdressing, then their "truth" is that crossdressers are messed up people. Kinda true - and, if enough of the voting public thinks so, then it becomes "the law."

I strive to be the exception that tests the rule. Crossdressers are strange, weird, sick people? Really? ALL of them? Funny, you seem to be happy with my work, you laugh at my jokes, we get along famously on the golf course... So, if we do all that, and I crossdress, is your notion about ALL crossdressers all that accurate? Guess not.

So... (I'll say) do you want to rework your pet opinions to test ALL the blacks, ALL the Hispanics, ALL the jews, All the Catholics, ALL the cops, ALL the lawyers, etc.? Nah? OK, let's just have a beer - tastes great, less thrilling.

Melinda G., you seem generally forthright. So, I would like to know what your perspective is... I can read your position, it's: "Don't act, don't tell." But, what I would like to know is why you, you particularly, think so. I've been out to all my SOs and it has not been a significant problem. Can you, for example, say the same? If not, why not? Could be you haven't brought it up? Or, have you brought it up and there's something so explosive, so toxic, about your choice in clothing, this choice, that "It's obviously impossible - no one can do it!" (But, I did...)

I was divorced once, years ago, by the way, and we both, after thinking about it, thought things might have actually been better had we been mature enough at the time to fully consider the pros of CDing for us. As it was, it didn't seem important enough to give it a lot of weight in our decision to divorce or stay together. But, years later, we actually thought it could have been a plus that we overlooked.

My belief, based on my experience, is that the proper perspective is that you're better off figuring out who you are, and what you want, and communicating that honestly to the people you are spending your life with. That only seems fair, they are spending their LIVES with you. If you have to work at it, if you have to take some lumps, if it takes some time... Then it does. But, sooner is nearly always better than later. So, like homework, get to it and get this behind you.

Perspective is a overused, easily overlooked word. It really means, in the general sense, "From where I'm standing." I guess I don't get where you're standing. From where I have stood, from where I stand, being anything less than open and honest about my thoughts and feelings on crossdressing is just self-defeating for myself and counter-productive for my SO and myself. And, when you think about it, society.

I hope this post doesn't get pulled and I get told to go to IM on this. I think you have taken a very interesting public position on this matter and I feel comfortable responding before the entire forum. It's just an exchange of ideas.

Speaking of which, I think quoting, for example, the so-called statistics from this site for support of your position a bit unconvincing. I know people who are getting along just fine with their SOs and their crossdressing who never spend time here because it's of no interest to them:

"Oh, yeah. I've seen it. But, you know, so much of that is people just getting started... It's kinda for beginners and all..."

They'd never be counted in any "10 to 1 proof" because they're just not here to be counted.

Probably no harm in pointing that out...

Well, I hope are well and still in good humor after reading all this.

My SO will read all this when she gets in from work and then she'll say, "So, what's for dinner?"

Clothes, and who wears what, is not a problem for us...

But, food is!

Go figure.

[Meg East]

MaryKlinden:


"I, on the other hand, will keep posting just as I have been, in way or another, for over a dozen years. I have spent too much time seeing people being miserable over nothing. Cancer is a problem. Being horribly burned is a problem. Going blind and/or not breathing is a problem. But, wearing clothes of the opposite gender - and liking it? NOT... Not really."



The above may be the most intelligent statement ever made...

I have done the cancer thing, the heart attack thing and watched people too young to die do just that.

In the end it isn't about me or you. Within the self loathing, self doubt, self destruction and whatever avoid the ever present narcissism.

My wife, has two sayings which keep her sane, the first is " life goes on" and the second is "the sun will come up tomorrow". I have a tendency to add, if it doesn't we have a bigger problem.

[ReineD]

Clearly, we all see this from different perspectives. If you want to come out, go right ahead. However, the posts on this board from people who came out to their SOs, and had a bad outcome, outnumber the good outcomes by at least 10 to 1. Don't take my word for it. Read them for yourself. This is my last post on this subject!

Melinda, have you seen this thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90401)?

There are 369 posts to date, and the last time I counted, more than 50% of wives were accepting. A large portion of the balance do remain in the marriage but prefer not to be involved.



If I did have a collection of porn magazines, my wife would know about it (I don't). She does know I masturbate, and she encourages me to do so and I her.

Why would I tell her? Because I want an honest and open relationship with the woman I love. I do not want to have to hide me, to be ashamed of me, to have a part of me in perpetual repression because my wife doesn't know something about me.

Julie, you get it! Entirely.

You no doubt have the type of relationship with your wife that most people only dream of having in their lifetimes. People dream of finding "the One" with whom they can fully be themselves and love and be loved for it, reaching a level of intimacy and connectedness beyond compare; true soul mates. Most people don't realize it is attainable with their partners if they want it. But without honesty, having such a relationship is not possible.
:hugs:

[JulieC]

Julie, you get it! Entirely.

You no doubt have the type of relationship with your wife that most people only dream of having in their lifetimes. People dream of finding "the One" with whom they can fully be themselves and love and be loved for it, reaching a level of intimacy and connectedness beyond compare; true soul mates. Most people don't realize it is attainable with their partners if they want it. But without honesty, having such a relationship is not possible.
:hugs:

Thank you so much for the compliments :) What's below isn't directed at you, but as a response to it for everyone else:

I knew I was very likely going to marry my wife early on in our relationship. There was learning that needed to be done about each other, but I knew.

That didn't make her my soulmate.

When I asked her to marry me, it was fairy tale like. We had a wonderful engagement, planned things together, worked together to make it all happen. The wedding went off almost without a hitch except us hitching up :)

That didn't make her my soulmate.

We've spent years married together. We've had kids. We've bought a house together. We've dealt with crisis, financial difficulties, and lots of external pressures of various kinds.

That didn't make her my soulmate.

What made my wife and I soulmates was and is an undying desire to keep trying to get it right.

We do not and have never taken our relationship for granted. We rely on each other in open honesty. We might get angry with each other, but we don't ridicule. We might chastise the other, but we stay focused on what is bothering us and not turning it into a mud slinging match. We might want to be alone for a bit, but we always kiss before sleep, before parting, and always in greeting. We might be nutsoid busy, but we retain intimacy with little things we do for each other all the time.

If I had never told her about crossdressing, had never said peep about it, and had kept my stash hidden from her all these years and she were to discover it today...it would shatter that relationship. It would fundamentally rock the basis on which it was built. I can't guarantee the relationship would dissolve. But the damage would be sustained and take years to recover, if ever.

KH, forgive me as I am not criticizing your choices but only using your situation as an example. I firmly believe KH loves his spouse very, very much. I've read a number of things that makes me believe he is a devoted, doting husband and father. Yet, he didn't tell her and she discovered on her own. Years down the road, they are still struggling with it.

Part of my success in making my marriage work is that I dated other women for years before meeting my now wife. I was engaged to one woman, and close with several. I learned from these experiences, and learned what it took to make a long term relationship stable. I went through a lot of pain in the process, along with a lot of happiness. The last serious girlfriend before meeting my wife knew I crossdressed, but refused to accept it and thought I was weird...even though she carried the burden of being a repressed bisexual. I would have thought she would have understood. Nope. That to me was kind of the last straw; I simply refused to accept I would spend appreciable time with a person who got freaked out by me wearing pantyhose.

Ok, I'm typing too much :)