I'm Ashamed To Call Myself A Crossdresser

[LisaMichaels]

I have always had the urge in me to crossdress. Even when I was a little boy before any kind of sexual development. I just wanted to be pretty and get to wear the pretty dresses that the girls got to wear. After puberty I classed myself as maybe a closet gay man, but never had the desire or attraction to the same sex. Back then I guess you either fit into straight or gay. Now I know what I am and it helps me to know that I'm not alone. I told my wife all about it and she is very understanding and suportive. I want the world to know that I now know what I am. I want everybody on earth to realize that we can be a straight crossdresser and it's not a perverted sexual thing. I want to be able to go out in a dress and know that people will say " hey that guy is crossdressing" and I want them to say back " Yeah I know him, he is a great guy, he just has always been a crossdresser and that's cool"
After reading some of the other crossdressers adventures on here and how they braved the cruel world, I have to say. "I'm ashamed to call myself a crossdresser" because unlike myself I don't have the courage to accomplish what they have done. In tears and from my heart, LisaMichaels.:chained:

[StaceyJane]

Don't worry about what others have done. You have to make your own way.

[Karren H]

Who cares what other people think anyway?? You shouldn't be ashamed of being a crossdresser just because your not out to the public!! Hell 99% of use aren't out to the public let alone friends and neighbors and relatives!! There no shame in that!! I'd take pride in being a good human being and forget the labels!! That's what I do!! I'm proud of who I am and what I do... Not what I can't do!!

[charlie]

Hello Lisa!
Before getting down on yourself, think what you have done. You have just figured out who and what you really are. This after wondering for all those years. Going out and about is no big deal. For myself, I just used to buy outfits, dress the best I could and get my makeup just right.....then I used to wash it all off and get undressed. I was not about to do that again and again. If I was dressed to the nines (best girl I could be) then I was going out. Courage has little to do with it. I guess I'm just an attention ***** at heart. I still do not know why I dress or where it all should fit in my life. I do go out every time I dress, but I haven't solved the big questions yet.

[Holly]

Lisa, don't measure yourself by what others do (or don't do). If you are satisfied with who you are and what you do, then fine. If you want to do more, then plan to do what will make you happy. The stories shared here are supposed to serve as a source of encouragement to those wanting to advance their TG lives, not a standard by which you are to measure your own success or failure.

[Miranda09]

Lisa, I'm a cross dresser and have never been out in public.......at least not yet!!! Just be yourself and enjoy. Putting expectations on yourself is no fun!!! :)

[anonymousinmaryland]

Lisa,
I kinda know what you're feeling. There's LOTS of days I wonder and think about what others think. Then there are days when the bra straps show, and I say, "Screw it. It's THEIR problem." You have to work things through. There are always up and down days, no matter what we do.

Just yesterday I missed a day where I could've worn a bra, and didn't, and I was disappointed and I was on an emotional roller coaster. But today's another day. And tomorrow . . . And I've said many times, "gee, wish I could just wear that, show and go, and what the . . ." Each day get better. There's nothing to be ashamed about. It's what we do. And we enjoy it. Anonymous in Maryland

[LauraL]

To quote a great American:
"I yam what I yam cause that's all that I yam." - Popeye

[Nicki B]

Don't measure yourself just by what you do - but by who you are and could be. :)


Depression is a trans disease, sadly. But it is can be overcome.. Look forward and give yourself a better future?

[linnea]

I think that you're being too hard on yourself. In any case, I think that you should enjoy what you do and be less concerned about what you don't do. We all have different levels of expression and varying opportunities and inclinations to express our femininity. Celebrate what you can do!

[Jaclyn NM]

I am a good caring person, who has been happily married for 36 years, and have raised three very successful children. I love my wife, and wouldn't change anything. I happen to enjoy wearing female attire. So what! There atre a lot worse things in this world. Maybe that's the problem. Everybody gets so caught up in all of the things that aren't important. Trying to make us all fit into their idea of what we all should be. I don't have time for it. I am what I am, A loving husband, father, and crossdresser!

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

yep, what others have said here is TRUE! Be yourself, set your own expectations and not follow those of others. You'll find when you no longer mind what others think... their opinions no longer matter ;)

*hugs*

Zarabeth

[deja true]

Hey Lisa, it's not a contest or competition to see who can do what and how to keep upping the ante.

It may seem like there's some kind of pressure to improve your makeup, go out and about and get whistled at or get lots of "Oooh, yummy!"s in picture theads, or ...heck...even submit picture threads at all.

Not necessary... in fact, we don't really care what you look like. We care that you can be happy with yourself, understand yourself, and have fun with your dressing rather than feel guilty.

Those who go out and continuously up the ante (from a midnite walk to a drive to the gas station to walkin' the mall to going out to dinner) do it for themselves, not to get over on anybody else. We do it because we're driven inside. Some, many, may never be. That's okay, too.

No tears now, hunny! If ya wanna go out, you'll do it when your ready. Don't feel you have to do it to keep up with those Jones girls. Do what you wanna! Do not do what you don't wanna!

;)...:)

[TSchapes]

There doesn't that feel better? Listen Lisa, you are way ahead of the curve in my book, 1) you know who you are and have accepted your feminine side, 2) your SO know about your cross-dressing. The fact that she is accepting is truly a blessing!

Now, if you wish to go out and don't know how to go about doing it, why not find a local support group where you live? It is better to go out in numbers than solo, especially for your first time.

Or, if you have the time and money, go to one of the Major T-Girl Conferences (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=98277) that are taking place this year. I'd love to see you at SCC this Fall!

Love, Tracy :love:

[sandra-leigh]

If I happen to be one of the people you feel "ashamed" compared to, then there are a few things you should know:

- It took about 30 years to get it through my thick head that I might be a cross-dresser. In the years leading up to my break-through, I had all kinds of rationalizations I literally didn't know what I was doing, and I had myself convinced of bogus reasons as to why I was doing it. I didn't "struggle" with it, because I was clued out, the left brain not knowing what the right brain was doing. To have known and lived with the knowledge from the time one was young... that must have been much harder by far than what I went through

- Once I realized I was a cross-dresser (and it was a very sudden crash of thought), going out in public involved no courage on my part. For reasons I might maybe some-day be able to figure out with my therapists, I was a social reject from at least grade 1 (if not earlier), and I continued to be a social reject until I became a cross-dresser (only about 4 years ago). e.g., people yelling insults at me from passing cars, when I was minding my own business, had short neat hair and was wearing completely drab clothes (stereotypically drab even.) I was so far out of society that only one friend bothered to call me on the phone, and that only about twice a year (and no, I am not anti-social.) So putting on a skirt in "guy mode" and walking down Main Street the first time took no courage at all: there wasn't any further to fall, socially.

Joining a social group: Hee. I didn't sit around and dither and worry about whether they would accept me: I found them within two months of starting to dress, and when they didn't respond, I invited myself to their meeting. By that time, I'd already been out walking through major shopping malls in obviously femme items: it was more a question of whether they could handle me than if I could handle them. (Now learning to trust some of the members as true personal friends... that took courage.)


I don't mean to imply that there have no been incidents of personal courage along my path. Walking into a strip club fully made up... Taking a city bus as "a guy wearing a skirt". Wearing an obvious dress as a guy. Wearing forms at work. Getting my ears pierced... Each of these took me time, and there was fear to overcome. Some of them I forced myself to do specifically to overcome my fears. Courage is not in doing what comes naturally, nor in the doing when one has nothing to lose: courage is being afraid and yet still going on and doing what has to be done anyways.

If you have stepped outside dressed up visibly, that first step probably took far more courage than most or all of the things I've done.

[Lorileah]

You have taken a step in the right direction. I started a thread recently in an attempt to get some people to start thinking about just that.

You don't have to be at the head of the line. You just have to BE something. Your desire to support an imaginary "sister" when someone says something about them is a step but you don't have to wait for that moment. You don't have to out yourself either. But even our closeted sisters can be part of our getting the respect and understanding we deserve (yes I said deserve). There is a famous poem that ends "then they came for me and there was no one left to speak up for me". You have realized that now. And you have taken the first step. You are willing to stand up if needed.

So don't be ashamed. Be proud.

P.S. your wife is an angel who knows how good you are

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

..."I'm ashamed to call myself a crossdresser" because unlike myself I don't have the courage to accomplish what they have done. In tears and from my heart, LisaMichaels.:chained:

Don't be so hard on yourself, Lisa. :hugs:

There was a time when I was completely in the closet with my cding... and also completely in self-denial about it.

I grew, learned more about myself, accepted who I am, leaned how to love myself, and chose to continue evolving.

I still don't have the courage of many of the other members here, but I'm finding more courage every day. I've come so far in just the last couple of years... I've got so far yet to go, yet I'm plugging away!

You know who and what you are. You know there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Maybe in time, you'll find that you have more courage than you ever thought you could today. :) Never in a million years did I ever think I'd make it this far - not a few years ago, anyway.

Life is change. Everyone grows and evolves. It happens at different times for different people.

In time, people WILL say about you, "Yeah I know him, he is a great guy, he just has always been a crossdresser and that's cool". They'll say that because that's the truth. :)

[Rachel Morley]

There was a time a couple of years ago (I won't go into the details now) when I said to myself "I don't think I'm cut out to be a crossdresser, I suck so bad at it".

Like you, it happened because I read some great accounts of fabulous things that people had done and written about here on the forum. I was comparing myself to my peers and I figured "I was coming up short". All I can say to you is that, all the other girls that have posted are absolutely right - don't worry and don't compare yourself to what others are doing and then judge yourself based on that. You are you, and you are doing just great! You like your crossdressing, right? ... then that's all that matters. :)

You will evolve over time I expect. The more positive experiences you have, the more confidence you will obtain. Just give it some time. :hugs:

[Alice Torn]

I can empathize with you about guilt, and people pleasing, and society pleasing. At 55, i am going through a lifelong living hell, with my family from hell. I am the youngest, and they are still trying to guilt trip, and manipulate, and run my life, from 2000 miles away. Somrtimes it is wiser, to follow your gut instinct, and NOT go out in public! I have ony done it five times, and admit being too chicken most often! Hey, it might be WORSE being a CROSSCHECKER, in ice hockey, than a closet crossdresser! See Karren about that...go Blackhawks...yeah right.

[Christina Horton]

I am very very Proud to be a Crossdresser. I have come to the realization that I don't care what people think. I wrote 2 threads about it and I gotta say untill you figger out that for yourself you may never be truly happy. Talk to your wife and tell her all of your fears and just ask her to hold you. She will find a way to help you even if it's just to hold you. Kiss her for all of us. I love it when I hear that a wife or SO is excepting about it. Don't fear your CDing love it. After all we do something fun that the normal bland man will never enjoy. Huggs. :love::hugs:

[trannie T]

It seems that you are being too hard on yourself, Lisa. It takes a lot of courage to go out the first few times. Many of us are very content staying in the closet, others are out daily, you will find your own comfort level. Just relax and do what is comfortable.

[Linda Laman]

From what I have read about two thirds of crossdressers are straight; so basically it has nothing to do with a person's sexuality.

I sympathise with your frustration but the reality is that it is a hard cruel world out there and one has to tread carefully. I have been "out" but only when I feel it is reasonably safe to do so.

Good luck with everything.

Linda

[Greymancd]

Don't be hard on yourself Lisa. You do have a supportive spouse which is great for you. Wherever you are in your journey is ok. We are crossdressers and whether we have been out or not does not change what we are. Do not be ashamed just be you!

[Tasha McIntyre]

Lisa, I suppose I was a bit ashamed of it all, and was deeply in the closet, until late last year when I joined here and read the threads at every opportunity. I learned more and more and finally accepted myself which enabled me to come out of the closet to the good wife. Since then I have discovered the magic of make up and wigs, and ventured out into the big world.

Keep reading, and discover yourself......it's a rewarding journey.

Good luck.

Tash :)

[Crissy Kay]

Lisa, just be yourself. Go at your own pace. I am only a part time closet cd, but happy with that!!

[sissystephanie]

Lisa, you have no reason at all to ashamed! And certainly no reason for tears. You know you are a CD, and you luckily have a darling wife who supports you in that activity. So what is there to be ashamed about? The fact that you don't go out in public?

I think you would find that the majority of CD's do not go out in public dressed, simply because they do not think they can "pass." Generally they do not have supportives wives, and consider themselves to be "closet" CD's. I was lucky to have a supportive wife, and was only a closet CD prior to marriage. When my wife passed away 4 years ago, I decided there was no reason to back into the closet. This spite of the fact that she always did my makeup and fixed my wig so we could go out as two girls. For the past 4 years I have gone out, frequently, as a guy in a skirt and tight top! No wig and no makeup! Just me and my "girly" clothes!:love:

Attitude is the answer! You have to have self-confidence in yourself and who you are. I am a CD and know it, so I dress like one! And I go everywhere like that, the mall, restaurants, the P.O., grocery shopping, etc. Today I made my bi-weekly trip to the nail salon for my manicure and pedicure. Had on a white skirt (which showed off my bright red panties!), a lavender top, and open toe sandals. Two customers complimented me on my outfit and another wanted to know the name of my toenail polish.(Ruby Jewels) A deep Ruby with sparkles! When you are ready you too will go out in the big world!!:hugs::hugs:

[Elizabeth2-]

You have taken a great big step. You know who you are and you are good with it. This is a step that each of us has to take to get to where you are planning to go.

You have braved up and in the words of Ben Franklin, you have been true to your self.

Come on now, where did you hide that lipstick? Let's find it and put some on!

Liz

[Carin]

Now I know what I am .... I told my wife all about it ... I want the world to know that I now know what I am.
..... In tears and from my heart, LisaMichaels.:chained:

Here's a tissue. Dry those tears and celebrate your self :yahoo:
Be proud. Stand up straight, chest out and sing to the world "I KNOW WHAT I AM!".

That is a huge accomplishment. It has taken many of us years and years and years. And when you get there, it is cause to celebrate. Dwell not for too long on the past, dear sister, because it is the past and there is nothing you can do to change it.

Celebrate the achievement of your own self awareness - a huge achievement. The future will come all by itself. And with your comfort in your own skin, that future will take care of you. Enjoy the journey. Take it at your own pace. Take whatever ideas you wish from others, but continue to see yourself for who you are inside, because that is all that really counts.

:drink: :love: :hugs:

[Alana65]

Hi Sis :wave:

:awe: hun, don't be sooo hard on yourself. You've got an accepting & supportive wife.........there are a lot of us on this forum that would kill to have that. :daydreaming: :hugs:

And you've got lots of friends here on this forum......many far away, and a few close by......like me :bs:.

Don't worry yourself if you haven't been "out"........other than going out driving in my car at night, I've only been "out" once........Halloween 1998. Someday I'll get the chance to do it again, but it's not a "life or death" issue..........so you shouldn't fret over it either. :hugs: OK ?

[LisaMichaels]

Thanks everybody for all the great post. I truly feel that you all know me and have felt the same way I felt. I just want so bad to be able to go out. My wife and I have took drives at night, but I want more. I can't wait until I have the oppitunity to go to a CD event with my wife. I'm a crossdresser and I don't deserve the honor to call myself that because I want the battle of ignorance against us to be won, but I'm not willing to do any fighting.

[Georgia Rose]

Thanks everybody for all the great post. I truly feel that you all know me and have felt the same way I felt. I just want so bad to be able to go out. My wife and I have took drives at night, but I want more. I can't wait until I have the oppitunity to go to a CD event with my wife. I'm a crossdresser and I don't deserve the honor to call myself that because I want the battle of ignorance against us to be won, but I'm not willing to do any fighting.

Lisa, just by admitting to yourself and your wife that you are a crossdresser is doing part of the fighting. In the short time I've been crossdressing I've found plenty of opportunity to defend others just in conversations I've had with people at work, out at functions etc without "outing" myself. Unlike others here I'll always be a closet crossdresser but that doesn't mean I can't help give the message that CDing is jut a part of who people are and try and help build a more tolerant society. You can do the same. It's a bit like learning to dive. You start on the little board first and gradually build up to the 10metre tower. You don't go off the big one straight away. Take your time and it will happen the way you want.

[Jazzmine]

Lisa, I know exactly where you are coming from but life is too short for us to be hemmed in by what other people think of us.

I see this as two parts - first, your personal growth, second, how much of yourself you want to share with the rest of society.

It's a major step in your personal growth to even admit you like crossdressing.
At some stage you had to face it for your own sanity and happiness - well done you got there!

The second part is a choice thing and not a "have to" condition.
It's your choice when, where, how you share yourself with society.
Do it on your terms when/if you want and are ready to.

I admire what you have already achieved!
Hugs Jazzmine

[luv2x-dress53959]

Lisa

Do not be ashamed to call yourself a crossdresser. It takes time to go out in public. You have to go with your heart. If your heart says you are a crossdresser then follow your heart. You have a supporting wife which makes it easier for you to follow your heart of being a crossdresser. Nothing is ever easy. Whatever you do do not be ashamed to call yourself a crossdresser just because you do not go out in public dressed up.

Autumn

[Paula TV]

Don't try to take the lead of what other crossdressers have done, this is about you, and your personal imprint on crossdressing and nobody else's. There was a time, i couldn't see myself having the guts to go outside as CD, but alot of things can change over a year or more, you gain more confidence fulfilling things you never thought possible. Just don't get hard up on yourself, this is not a competition, just let it come naturally.

[Sheila]

hun I am the SO of a cder ...... nothing to be asashamed off in being a cder ........ Debs and I only recently went out in public for the first time a few months ago (we went with two othwer forum members to a garden centre)(we have been tog 6 months on st June).. he has been CDing for over 35 years and that was her first daylight outing .......... she still will not go out in public on her own.

Enjoy being who you are and enjoy your SO's support :hugs:

[Angie G]

It's alright if you don't go out dressed. It's what dress dose for you And that you dress.
Just be you and never think bad of yourself Lisa.:hugs:
Angie

[Sandra]

Don't be ashamed :hugs:

Just because you haven't done what others have done is no reason to be ashamed, your time will come, in the meantime enjoy what you and your SO has.

[melissacd]

Lisa,

Take little steps each day towards your goal. You will get there in your own good time. Each of us has a speed and a comfort level, you need to push your comfort level all the time, enough to get further but not so much that you are totally traumatized.

In 2006, when I finally came out, I never could have imagined that my life would transform, in small scary steps, to the point where I dress everyday.

Recently someone told me something that struck me as really profound. They said for all of their life they were told you're a boy, you're a boy, you're a boy, while all the time internally they were feeling I'm not a boy. Eventually they listened to themselves and realized that they knew who they were all along and eventually transitioned to being a full time female at the age of 65. It was an amazing story because while I do not want to go through SRS I saw that who we feel we are is more important than who others want us to be for them. Once you get to that point you can start redesigning your life around a configuration that is consistent with who you are and how you want to live. When that happens you start to feel a rightness of being, a correctness about it all. This feeling of correctness based on listening to your inner voice gives you great courage.

Listen to yourself and you will find your way.

Huggs
Melissa

[LisaMichaels]

I want to thank everybody on here for their support. I need this site like a fish needs water. I am truly inspired by all the kind words and understanding. I am happy with being a man but I adore being a crossdresser. I have to admitt that I am lucky that my wife is understanding and very helpful in my crossdressing endeavours.

[sandra-leigh]

The second part is a choice thing and not a "have to" condition.
It's your choice when, where, how you share yourself with society.
Do it on your terms when/if you want and are ready to.


The time I first went out fully dressed (wig and all), I think for me it was a "have to". True that I choose the time and place, but I was bursting.


(The way I felt during that expedition and a couple of others around that time is not the same way I feel about cross-dressing these days -- but I'm no longer full to bursting and can just be "myself". That first time... well, honestly, that first outing fully dressed had to do with my feeling that I needed other people to perceive that I am a sexual creature too, not just a drone without feelings and desires. To be wanted by others, admired by them, if only for a while... I was locked in a straight-jacket of "He's a good boy, he would never have thoughts like that", and my first few fully Dressed public outings were about me tearing that barrier to pieces. (And no, I did not make a fool of myself or even flirt with anyone... just to be told I was good-looking was enough.)

[Patricia1]

Lisa - Look at the outpouring of support and understanding your friends are showering on you here. On top of that you have an understanding & supportive wife. Friends & family - what more do you need? I'm sure you're a good & thoughtful person who needs just a little success to feel successful at this. With your friends & SO supporting you you're already successful. Now that's something to be proud of!

[Jean Marie]

Not me in any way, I am very proud to be .
able to express my feminine side. I feel very blessed to be a crossdresser, I am positive I am a much better all around person as a result. Jean Marie

[tricia_uktv]

Hi Lisa. I am proud that I am a crossdresser but its taken me fifty years and a life changing experience to do it. As others say, take your time. don't belittle yourself and remember underneath it all we are human. Everybody here has their own reasons for doing, their own motivations and their own boundaries. Whilst I am openly out (and loving it) I'm aware that not everybody else is so lucky or has the courage to do so. The courage you have to build inside.

What I don't really get from your post is what you want to be/do. You may just want to dress in private, we are all different and hooray for that.

So don't knock yourself, take one step at the time and - I always say it - have fun. Enjoy the life and the changes it brings, but don't rush.

:)

[KarenS]

You have no reason to be ashamed. We are each unique individuals with our own fears and struggles. Just enjoy yourself.

[Carly D.]

I've been this way for.. forever.. or at least as long as I can remember.. actually longer than I can remember but you know... truth is I think of what would happen if I told or someone found out.. and my answer would be hey I've been this way long before now and if you liked me before you found out.. guess what?? I'm no different than twenty seconds ago.. but now you know what I have tried to keep secret for so long.. so put away that pop gun and chill..

[sterling12]

Well, all the rest of us aren't ashamed of you....so, why should you be ashamed of you?

Are you making progress? Are you making small changes? That's good! A lot of small changes over time, add up to some very large life changes. After reading your message, I think your desire is strong enough to accomplish most everything you wish to achieve. You have a very large chunk of The Puzzle already accomplished, an accepting spouse! That's a huge advantage that would cause many folks to envy you.

Now I'll do my usual chant. If you have a chance, go online and do some searching for a support group that's within driving distance. I would even consider a couple of hours of driving to make a meeting. If your wife joins with you, all the better. You will find The Group to really be supportive and it's just a heck of a lot easier to experience these "adventures" that you long for. When it's you and a bunch of The Gurl's...it gets easy!

Good luck and take heart. Later on, you will realize that "getting there" was half the fun. You CAN make it happen.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[LisaMichaels]

My Thread states that I'm ashamed to consider my self a crossdress. That statement is a tribute to everybody else who has taken more steps than I have to come out. I'm a crossdresser but I only lack the courage to experience it with others and I bow down to all of those who has. I strive to be like that. I wouldn't nor couldn't take my crossdressing needs away, I just want to help educate the world about us so I could go out on the town without fear of repercusion. When I do something good for all of us toward our cause then I would be proud to say I'm a crossdresser that helped make a difference. I am a crossdresser and only want to earn the right to be here with all of you. My Brave Sisters.

[sissyboy jay]

Girrrl, I fought myself over this for years as well. feeling I had to hide it, never admit it, don't talk about it or anything. I'm 43 now and guess what, I don't give a hoot what anyone thinks of me now. I've felt the same way also since I was a little boy/wanting to be a girl. Since I have come out I've been soooo excited and happy with my life. Not ashamed or sorry I came out or anything. LOVING LIFE GIRL, YOU DO IT TOO. No I have never been with a man either, no big deal now days either way though. People really don't care as much as we do in our own minds. Acceptance comes from within ourselves not from out in town or city or anywhere else. Accept yourself and you'll see that the rest of the world could care less. From there on its a wonderful experience being the woman we know we are. Huggles and kisses, Jayla

[Samantha43]

Hi Lisa, I'll repeat what others have said here. Just be yourself. We all have different needs, desires, goals.....whatever you want to call them. If you aren't comfortable going out, then don't! Many of us are perfectly happy being in the closet.

I don't believe crossdressing is anything to be ashamed of. It's who we are. Usually not by choice. Learn to live with it and even embrace it, and you'll be much happier. You said your wife is supportive. That is great and should make things much easier.