Stumbling blocks for transitioning

[Super Amanda]

Hi ladies! lately I've been able to really look at what my own obstacles are for transitioning. Back in the "closet" there was no need to think about the real steps to be taken to transition, because I thought I was not strong enough to even come out of the closet.

Here is my situation:

As of now, I'm unemployed, take care of my son who is about to start school next school year.

I'm divorced from his mom, and just about everyone in my life now knows, and is supportive of me.

I've been living at home as a woman now, everyday, and everyone in my household (Son, Mom, Dad, Brother) accept and are OK with me. My son could care less, he loves me either way. My friends are OK as well. My ex, it took a lot of educating her before she realized this is who I am and I can't change it, but she has even been great.

A big part of me wants to jump straight into full time, but there are some things stopping me.

I'm sooo paranoid about my beard shadow, I hate it and it is the number one thing I want to change. I feel like if I could use less makeup I would feel more comfortable. So as soon as I'm back to work, I'm doing laser.

But I also know I want to be on hormones, so would beard removal be easier after being on hormones for some time? I've heard body hair thins out and gets softer , so it seems like hormones should be first.

I'm on all sorts of government assistance, including medical. I don't know if I can get coverage for hormones from AHCCCS(Arizona Health Care Cost Containment System).

My hair is still very short, and I only have the one wig you see in all of my pics. It's over two years old now, and it's on the way out, it's getting really thin. So I need a better one until my own hair is long enough.

I kinda feel a little bit like I'm in limbo... I can be a woman at home, and around friends, but am scared to mix with the public still. I've been out dressed before, a few Halloweens also, without problems or even laughs or stares, but I was in the closet then, so now it's like if I go out as a woman now that I'm out, that's me, not a "costume" and it feels different, I'm sorry I cant explain the feeling better.Maybe I'm not as "out" as I keep thinking?

I know that getting rid of my beard won't change my many other masculine traits, but it bothers me sooo much to see the shadow, always there, even if it's barely there after a close shave, it still is all I can see when I look at my face.

Everything else I feel like I can work on while being fully out, living full time.I'm really having the happiest time of my life right now, but it sucks going back and forth between genders. And my face can only take so much shaving against the grain, and it forces me to skip a day shaving sometimes, and at those times I cant bring myself to dress up at all, save for the undies. I don't want to be the bearded lady.



To those who have transitioned, or are transitioning and living full time, what were your steps taken to get to that point? What were some of your personal hurdles? Did you wait to go full time until you were satisfied with yourself? How friggin much is it going to cost me to get rid of my beard?



Thanks in advance for replies and input!!

[Carole Cross]

Amanda, I am at a similar stage in my transitiuon and I know what you mean about the beard shadow. I have been out in public but only to local bars, clubs and meetings with my counsellor and GP. I am starting laser treatment on my face before taking hormones because it will be some time before I will be able to get them. I am not sure if taking hormones before starting laser will make any difference but the hair does get thinner when on hormones which will in turn reduce the appearance of the beard shadow.

[Lisa Golightly]

Transitioning is a most bizarre state to enter... Running to the edge of world perhaps...

When you first tell people you get this 'acceptance' if you're lucky... Hostility if you're not. My family was split, but the more female I become in form the more hostile they have become... 'Why can't you be normal?'... 'Your siblings aren't happy'... I'm prepared to turn away from them now... It's been two years and it's the tidal acceptance that does your head in eventually...

Friends were also ok, but when my best friend realised SRS wasn't a myth but a cold hard fact he completely turned on me... Had this huge rant at me in the middle of a bar... That hurt hugely... In fact if it wasn't for the TS girls on this site the last few months might have just overcome me...

It gets hard when no-one seems to love you for being true to yourself... You need so much inner determination *crying* Bleeeeugh... It still gets me.

He (the best friend) is back on side and has offered to travel with me to care for me before and after surgery... It's an amazing offer and I will take him up on it... But words said can't be unsaid... You think they understand, but they rarely do...

I was 24/7 before I started so I already had long hair... hated wigs... Laser is supposed to hurt more on hormones... lucky me... I'm just about to enter a second bout of work.

Even when you are out you'll get spooked by something... I've been invited to a barbeque... My best friend... a load of his factory staff (who know about me as he used my photos for a transgender awareness talk... lol), three girls and me...

You may imagine that being the 'identified' transsexual has me a bit worried... but I'll go... because you have to... There is no hiding on this path no matter how much you need to somedays...

You see people look, hear the odd comment, smell the hostility, but you go on... far too often all alone, because there is simply no other choice open to you... and for some you will never ever be convincing enough...

Lisa x

[Super Amanda]

You may imagine that being the 'identified' transsexual has me a bit worried...

Lisa x

I may be quoting you out of context, but that sentence stuck a chord with me.

I always fantasized about transitioning in another town, far away, where I could maybe go "stealth".

I have got to know a lot of people in my town, I've always lived here, on the same side of town even. So I realize as much as I want to be accepted as a woman in public, there is a good chance I'll be put on the spot on many occasions, as many people already know about me, though they haven't seen me yet.

I never wanted to be a spokesperson for any cause, but in a way coming out to everyone has sort of made me into one anyway. I just want to fly below the radar, so to speak, and that's not really an option, I think.

[Lisa Golightly]

I never wanted to be a spokesperson for any cause, but in a way coming out to everyone has sort of made me into one anyway. I just want to fly below the radar, so to speak, and that's not really an option, I think.

Indeed... I think the secret is you have to accept you are 'transsexual' and not female and be prepared to tell it as it is.

I tend to tell everyone I'm TS anyway, because the simple fact is I am and I'm quite proud of my achievements. :)

So I'll be the 'famous' *laugh* Lisa Golightly for a night and I'll smile and look as good as I can all the while wishing I was at home where I can be my shy and quiet self. :)

[Super Amanda]

Indeed... I think the secret is you have to accept you are 'transsexual' and not female and be prepared to tell it as it is.


Yes, I agree. I'm just gonna have to get used to it. You're a wise one, Lisa!

[GypsyKaren]

The best advice I can give you is not to ask for any and find your own answers instead. Everyone has their own problems to face every minute of everyday, whether it's about transitioning or anything else, and what so and so said they did won't mean squat to you when the rock's ready to fall on your head, and that's going by the assumption that you can believe what so and so said. Expect to be noticed, those of us who have been at this for awhile know that we get read more often than we think, which is a bad thing only if you make it one.

Transitioning is like anything you do in life, you first decide how bad you want it and then what you're willing to do to get it, it's just on a different scale. Forget all the "tra-la-la" talk that makes it sound like skipping through the garden on a sunny day, most of that comes from people who think they're transitioning but really stretch the definition to fit what they're doing.

It's hard, it's scary, and it takes guts, but it can be the most rewarding thing you've ever done for yourself if you stay honest with and to yourself, and you will grow as a person. I was ready to kill myself because I couldn't live the lie anymore, so I said f*ck it and took a leap of faith, it was either crash and burn or fly, and you'd be amazed at how hard you can flap your wings when you have to.

Karen :g2:

[Super Amanda]

The best advice I can give you is not to ask for any and find your own answers instead.

Karen :g2:

I do agree, Karen. I do like to hear what others around my stage are doing though.

One of the things that got me to this point of self acceptance was to read the threads on this very site, and seeing the evolution of people who are similar to myself. Just knowing that others felt nearly the same as myself, but had the courage to go forward is inspiring, and has shown me that if they can so can I!

Another thing is all of you have some fantastic advice to give, so I do enjoy getting feedback as well.

By the way, I always value what you have to say, in my time on this site I've seen you give the most wonderful and realistic advice, and truly look up to you! Thanks for your comment!

[Jenna1561]

Hi Amanda,

I know your feeling of wanting to transition and not sure of the steps needed. As Karen alluded, each of our journeys is unique. You can read many individual stories and see the many different roads we're taking.

I know you're unemployed so cost is a major factor for you right now. Are you or have you seen a therapist? They really are a great help, at least for me. I don't know (doubt) if your limited health care covers therapy, but I may be wrong. Does Tucson have a large GLBT community? If it does there may be resources available for reduced cost therapy, prescriptions, and health care; it's definitely worth looking in to.

As for me, I started electrolysis on my face and therapy at about the same time and hormones much later. If you know any of my story, you may know that I started living as a woman, outside work, about7 months after I started therapy and before I started hormones. At work I slowly incresed my feminine presentation over the course of 16 months before I had my name change and fully transitioned, that was about a month ago.

I hope this helps some, but as we said, your journey will be unique.

Jen

[Sharon]

I transitioned three months before I started electrolysis and hormone therapy. The only reason I did so was because I could not (emotionally) delay the transitioning any longer. It was only after I had about 100 hours (done in a year) of electrolysis that I felt comfortable enough to not worry about using a concealer, but I had become proficient in hiding any shadow.

Transitioning means making a firm decision to jump with both feet into living your life as a female (or male for the men), and this means that there will be both positive and negative results. Hopefully, the positive far outweighs the negative, but you must be prepared for whatever comes. If not, then the time is not right.

[Angel.Marie76]

<...>
It's hard, it's scary, and it takes guts, but it can be the most rewarding thing you've ever done for yourself if you stay honest with and to yourself, and you will grow as a person. I was ready to kill myself because I couldn't live the lie anymore, so I said f*ck it and took a leap of faith, it was either crash and burn or fly, and you'd be amazed at how hard you can flap your wings when you have to.
<...>
Karen :g2:

Amanda,

You indeed have a lot to think about in the months and years ahead.. the least of which is the issues directly relating to the physical transition of your body features... It is the strength you hold inside that will hold you to your course and give you the lift, as Karen put it, to soar as high as you wish to.

The conversations I've had with my therapist bring about definitions of 'transition' in such gray terms, yet, the end result is what, really, /I/ want or need it to be. I've just recently started my laser beard removal because it was the best logical step for me. I hated seeing that shadow in the mirror, and layering on a 1/4"in of makeup to hide it every time just wears on you from time to time... I know I've been far happier presenting as a female when I can, though there are far many more reasons why right now I've been holding back from throwing myself squarely in the center of the public eye.

My son, who's 11 now and in the 5th grade has shown that he's not all that too pleased with the idea of his dad becoming another 'mom'... he has much fear that the world will fall down upon him and crush him. His mother, my ex-wife, knows I dress (I came out to her a long time ago, and then re-uped that knowledge recently) and has been relatively supporting... my brother, seems to have taken it well.. and I haven't talked to my parents yet... many of my friends know and seem to be very understanding, even a few have grilled me with very educated questions.. it's been very comforting to know they care.

But, to pick up on some of what you've asked, everything I've read, and I'll tell you now from my first treatment, that Laser hair removal (for at least the face) has been highly recommended to be started before you start hormones for two reasons: One, because hair growth differences, and Two, pain tolerances change on hormones (again, so I've been told and read). As for cost, it will always vary by shop, but I've seen everything from 600$/hr down to 200$ 1/2 hour so far in my area. The particular Laser and Skincare center I've been going to offers a '6-session guarantee' in that, if any hair returns in a treated area after 6 sessions it will be cleared again for free for 6 Mo.+, and after that, 1/2 off their standard rates. The reality is that, after the laser treatments are completed, I've already met with an electrologist to plan the work for the grays to be eliminated (as, if you've done your research, grays with white roots cannot be targeted with laser). The Electrologist runs at about 55-65$/hr and varying rates for smaller bursts of time..

In my personal path, this level of hair removal was first on my schedule.. More than enough time is and will continue to be spent gaining internal self confidence getting out and about as we speak and just continuing to live every day, another one day at a time..

[kellycan27]

It's hard, it's scary, and it takes guts, but it can be the most rewarding thing you've ever done for yourself if you stay honest with and to yourself, and you will grow as a person. I was ready to kill myself because I couldn't live the lie anymore, so I said f*ck it and took a leap of faith, it was either crash and burn or fly, and you'd be amazed at how hard you can flap your wings when you have to.

Karen :g2:

I love this woman! You took the words right out of my mouth!

[Sejd]

You are right, beard shadow doesn't go away because you shave. I have done electrolysis for now over half a year, and it is fantastic. no more darkness in my face. I love it. About your hair. I have to tell you one thing. the biggest mistake most TG's make is to think that long hair makes them look feminine. WRONG. It is the hair style, not the length of your hair which will make you look female. I don't know how old you are, but my experience has been that it takes a long time to " Do it right" and to pass. Just take it easy, go slowly and enjoy every day with great gratitude.
hugs
Sejd

[Suzy Harrison]

Hi Amanda

From my own experience I would say that the most important thing to do is get rid of the facial hair. When you do transition you don't want to have to worry about hiding a dark shadow and also worry about the re-growth later in the day.

As much as I love the hormones, I still think the hair removal was the biggest step forward in my confidence. Hormones will assist with the hair removal, but I think only after quite a long while of being on them and then only assist a little.

Also hair removal takes ages. I started laser removal nearly a year ago and have had 15 x 1 hour sessions so far. I'm clear of any dark shadows but now have started electrolysis to remove the blonde hairs. I think that will be 100 to 200 hours worth. A very long haul.

The cost of hair removal is high - but spread out over years. I was paying $250 for laser and now $80 for electolysis. It's painful on the face and in the pocket, but it's worth it.

This morning I just slipped some tinted moisturiser on, a little mascara and lipstick - and went out in public with no problems.

A year ago it would have taken me nearly 3 hours to carefully shave and cover my face with heaps of foundation and then overdo the make up to try to hide any male looks. This morning I spent 6 minutes. So it's worth it

Good luck

Suzy:love:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

IMHO -- this is all about reducing your anxiety...you feel you are a woman and yet you've never enjoyed the feedback of being a woman....this is a terrible feeling but it doesnt always mean you must transitition

If you are near phoenix go see maria at arizona electrolysis...hair removal is a big deal both mentally and in real life...i've never met anyone better or faster at this part of it...i had zero electo done as of jan and most of my hair is now gone..they are also very knowlegeable and friendly in the phoenix tg community..

getting rid of the five oclock shadow is immensely satisfying....


as karen said...its a stark reality that you are the only one that can decide...putting up stumbling blocks is a sign that you need to take some more time to think about it..

You also need to find a way to start hormones...this will tell you alot about your self....do you care if your stiffies go away??? how you feel about yourself after a month of hormones is a great clue to your true inner feelings..

for some of us it becomes so bad that those blocks we've put up all our lives just disappear $$, family, acceptance...etc....it becomes a matter of survival...i personally beleive its your survival instinct kicking in........however if those problems u mentioned don't seem overwhelming to you now, you have time to experiment and wait....and your transition will be off to a bad start because it will be more about what you are giving up and less about what you are getting..

..ivve heard it said that transition is the last resort and it seems to me you are right at the cusp of the moment and you need to take a deep breath and think things through....i wish you all the best and i know you are going through a kind of hell,,,,keep talking to us about it about and keep trying to work it out...(its all you can do!!!! :hugs:_)

[kerrianna]

Hi Amanda,
you look very lovely in your pic. :)

I don't want to give you advice because, like Karen said, each of us has to walk their own paths. I would like to share how I've come to find myself fulltime and moving right along, when I never thought I would be able to overcome obstacles.

My biggest obstacle was simply fear.
It was fear of being judged, fear of embarrasment, fear of destroying relationships, fear of being misunderstood.

I got past some of that just by choosing who I came out to carefully, initially. They were supportive (and I think they were all women, other than my brothers - I've found women generally accept things better, at least they have in my life), which really helped me with my confidence.

But what really unstuck me was first going to see a gender specialized therapist, who validated a lot of what I was feeling (and I haven't seen her a lot, just enough to stay grounded and get referrals when I need them), and also doing some work on my fear of things in general. I did some EFT, (Emotional Freedom Technique), lots of journalling, some regular counselling, and tried to get some of my life baggage out of the way.

I always remember Karen saying how important it is to unload as much as your baggage as you can before transitioning. You don't want to be carrying crippling stuff into this, because you need all the courage and determination, and most importantly, self love and self acceptance, as you can get.

Basically I have done this in degrees, in my own way, trying things out, seeing how I felt, retreating if I felt in danger or overexposed (by that I mean too vulnerable or not strong enough yet to take a step).
Because my coworkers, family and friends have accepted who I am, to a large degree, I have felt more confident in moving ahead. One thing that worried me was that people wouldn't understand why I dressed the way I did, why I acted as I did, and even worse, would treat me like a man.

But there was a very particular jumping off point for me which came a bit unexpectedly. I had been dressing kind of androgynously for awhile, but figured everyone in my small town knew me as male and just thought whatever. (I have worked really hard on not caring what people think of me, after having been just the opposite all my life - EFT helped with that too and everytime I did something else and lived to play another day I got more courage).
This one day though, without trying to, I passed with some store clerks, and when I heard them using the female pronouns it felt so right and so natural to my core, to the very essence of me, I knew I was female and I was going to find a way to live the rest of my life as a woman.

I had started anti-androgens a couple of months before that, mainly as a diagnostic tool on the suggestion of my gender therapist. She said if I male identified it might show when my testosterone was blocked. Instead, it made me feel a lot better.

I started estrogen on the lowest dose in January.
Again, it was a baby step. Lots of people knew I was trans by this time so I felt much more free to just be me.

I think that's super important. To have people know how you feel.

I won't say I'm not female, because I am, but I also acknowledge I'm transgendered because I was born with a very different set of biological circumstances than most women. Some of that I can, and am, bring more into alignment with the majority, but some things will always be different than most women. I also can't change my past, so that's always going to be a pretty unique thing among other women for me. But that's who I am.

I don't really like educating people because it's not an easy thing to explain. I know lots of people have their own ideas or don't have a clue. Even my SO admits she doesn't understand what I feel inside, because she's not me. That's ok. As long as I get respect and people make an effort to accept me as the woman I am, I can be around them
Those that can't, well I need to be me now, no ifs and buts, so people that mind, don't matter.

One of the early obstacles I faced with the idea of really changing my life, of transitioning, was reading and hearing about how it is 'supposed' to go. All the reccomendations, the warnings, the shoulds and shouldn'ts, really threw me, because I don't (well, didn't) have a lot of self confidence or belief in myself.

To this day I have to be careful how much exposure I have to other women transitioning, because I can beat myself up for not doing it right and worry.
I use joy and happiness and this feeling of inner peace and harmony as my benchmarks, not some schedule I think I should be on. Of course I take note of what people have done, and what options are available to me, but this is MY life, and no one but me knows what it's like for me. I'm the one I need to ask in the end.

I haven't done electrolysis (one of those "Do this first!!!!" things), mainly because I can't afford it, and partially because I have very sensitive facial skin and do worry about scarring.
I might do some, because shaving is a pain, and although my hair is light and doesn't show readily, it does still grow quite quickly.
But if I waited until I could get electro together, I might be looking at another year or so living as a guy (ugh!) before I would feel ready to go fulltime. You can do electro after of course, but I think it's more hassle because you have to let the hair grow out long enough for them to do it. That's one reason they tell you to start it right away.

But one thing I had to tell myself, to get moving, was there is no right or wrong way to do this. I'll make mistakes, I'll make a fool of myself, I'll be uncertain and scared sometimes, I'll piss people off, I'll be mistaken for male (and here it's super important for me to remember that it is I who know my truth and just because others may not see that doesn't make it less true). If you know your truth, if you know you are more alive and in harmony with your spirit by taking whatever journey it is you need to take, then you can find the courage to step right out and show the world how much you love yourself and living.

I don't know if any of that ramble helps. I hope so. It sounds like you do know what you need to do for yourself, and it's just a matter of taking things step by step and building this great new life for yourself. And you do owe it to yourself.
We all deserve happiness.
It is our birthright, and by becoming happier, more fulfilled people, we make the world a better place and help others find their own happiness.

:hugs::love:

[Anna the Dub]

You all put me to shame. I have no confidence whatsoever, none at all. I have been on hormones for so long, and I have been having electrolysis for 2 years now, and I still have an enormous amount of facial hair. My upper lip and around my chin are fairly good, but the sides of my face and underneath my chin have a long, long way to go. My need to transition is getting stronger and stronger. How do I do this when I still have so much facial hair? My electrolysist said that I need to have about 3 days growth so she can grab the hairs when she zaps them. Wouldn't I find it almost impossible to transition when I have to have 3 days growth every week? Frustrated!

[Angel.Marie76]

You all put me to shame. I have no confidence whatsoever, none at all. I have been on hormones for so long, and I have been having electrolysis for 2 years now, and I still have an enormous amount of facial hair. My upper lip and around my chin are fairly good, but the sides of my face and underneath my chin have a long, long way to go. My need to transition is getting stronger and stronger. How do I do this when I still have so much facial hair? My electrolysist said that I need to have about 3 days growth so she can grab the hairs when she zaps them. Wouldn't I find it almost impossible to transition when I have to have 3 days growth every week? Frustrated!

I would tell you to look into Laser Hair removal in your area, at least for some initial clean-sweeps I'd say. I know it costs more, but for facial-types that meet the optimal criteria (dark hairs and pale skin) its been amazing, for me at least, to see the effect after one visit! Granted I'll need several more, but the pain tolerances, at least for me, were 1/10 what I was expecting as compared to standard thermolysis/electrolysis electrode-based clearing.

Just my .02$ though..

[shirley1]

Its a difficult road to take is transitioning, my stumbling block was I thought I looked better than I actually do ! Eight weeks into RLE or RLT, and I just read everywhere, as a man dressed ! Its soul destroying when all you want is to be accepted as a woman. I guess the trick has to be accept yourself as a trans woman first and take it from there, but there is just not many of us around where I live !

So I stand out like a sore thumb ! the hardest part for me is trying to identify what it is thats getting me read the most, and I still don't know ?

Oh and just to mak things more complicated I am still not sure of my sexuality, but I get plenty of attention of guys ! But no they are not straight guys they are trans admirers, or bi sexual guys, I'd say to anyone if you have to transition then you have to, then there's no choice, but if you can avoid it then do so, then again loads of girls tell me how much happier they are and are accepted everywhere they go, so who I am to say, I guess some are just more fortunate than others.

[Carole Cross]

I think that many of us, myself included, are trying just a little too hard to eliminate beard shadow when we put on make up. We ars trying to completely eliminate all traces of any shadow and tend to put on too much because we can still see it whreas, out in public, it will not be noticed by passers by. The only problem is, we do not Know the level at where it will be unnoticed so we tend to err on the side of caution.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i saw this thread pop up again and it reminded me of a time 2 yrs ago...as i started to act on all this...i actually went to a totally straight Halloween party at a person's house i didnt even know with a tg friend of mine....AS A HOOTERS GIRL!! LOL....my friend went as Karen Carpenter...
well i had a great nite...i was accepted and confident even in that skimpy outfit...later that nite a guy acame up to me and said "nice 5 oclock shadow pal"......

So i have a great night...it was a step for me because it was the most out there thing I ever ever did and i lived and actually felt totally normal....but all i could think of was that guy's comment and from then on i was totally paranoid about that stinking shadow..btw...do you use the trick of pink clown makeup under your foundation?...it actually works.

just had to post that little story:heehee:

[Rayne1]

I think that everyone has their own fears and problems. No two lives and situations are the same. I was fearful of coming out because of rejection by those around you, because of not being able to pass, of having the beard growth because of having to let the hair grow while waiting for the next electrolysis treatment, of not knowing what the steps are and where to start. You have to start with those closest to you in revealing being a transsexual. Education of explanations I think is the first step. If you cannot explain it to yourself how can you expect to help others to understand. That education of what to do and where to go and how to do it is one that should be taken as much as possible in a planning guideline. Once that education is complete you follow the guidelines to completion. This can be a long road to go.