Self-acceptance

[Rebecca Jackson]

Hello,
I’ve read a lot of posts on here about self-acceptance and not worrying about what other people think, specifically when it comes to things like shaving and getting your ears pierced. And it’s so true that we need to accept ourselves for who we are and to be comfortable with that. It also makes perfect sense that we don’t need to concern ourselves with what other people think, since everyone is entitled to their opinion and it shouldn’t matter what strangers think about me. All these things are logical and reasonable and make sense when I read them, and make me feel like I’m ready to take that next step and get my ears pierced and shave during the summer. But then inevitably the doubts creep back in.

I feel like I’ve accepted who I am and I’m okay with myself. But I also realize that I am overly sensitive to what other people think, and I worry that people will notice if I have my legs shaved and that it will make me uncomfortable if they make some stupid comment, or even look at me funny. Again, I know I shouldn’t care, and that this is something I need to deal with and get better about. But what really complicates the situation is that I am a single parent raising two teenage sons. I don’t want to do something to add stress to their lives, and I fear that is exactly what would happen if I did shave my legs and pierce my ears. I don’t know how accepting my kids would be if I did do those things, and I would hate to be out with them and run into some of their friends and have them get teased because of something I did.

I haven’t dressed in nearly eight years because I’ve been focused on getting through the divorce and the transition to being a single parent and being a good dad to my kids and helping them deal with all the stress of the divorce and not having their mom in their lives. I keep telling myself to just wait until they’ve graduated high school and are out of the house, but that’s another three years away, and I don’t want to wait that long. I’ve shut this part of myself off for a long time, but now I want and need to get back in touch with that part of who I am. But it’s tough trying to figure out what to do and to strike some sort of balance between the feminine and masculine parts of myself. When I’m feeling feminine I want to be smooth and have thin, arched eyebrows, but then when I’m in drab mode I want to have hairy legs and masculine looking eyebrows. How can I find a balance without driving myself nuts? The eyebrows aren’t such a big deal, except that I tend to keep plucking and get them too thin!

For example, I’ll have two weeks to myself in early June, and I so want to shave myself smooth and go get my ears pierced and spend as much of that time as I can dressed. But I know I’ll regret shaving later on and feel really self-conscious, and will worry about what my kids will think when they see my hairless legs. I really REALLY want to shave and feel what it’s like to have hairless legs during the summer, but I don’t want to spend the next month feeling really stressed and angry about what I did as I wait for the hair to grow back, and worrying about how my kids are going to deal with this.

I know, it’s all in my head, and I need to learn to deal with this. I can analyze all this until I’m blue in the face, but at some point I’ve got to make a choice about live with it. Unfortunately that's easier said than done.

I don’t regret that I am transgendered because I feel like it’s made me a better and more well-rounded person, but the one thing I dislike is that it is complicated and can be very stressful trying to manage these two different aspects of my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this, and I apologize that I wrote so much. I’ll look forward to hearing your thoughts and comments.

Rebecca

[KarenS]

Hi Rebecca.

I believe too that self acceptance is critically important - at least to my mental health. It has to be far more important than what others think. That said, I still struggle with the potential of being found-out by others I do not intend to share with. And, I'm willing to share that I'm a CD with ohhh, so very few. I think, at least in my case, that there is some importance in what at least a select few think. The reason is, I feel I need to share with someone who will help affirm me. :battingeyelashes:

I recently dealt with the incredible and irresistible urge to shave my legs. I was on vacation by myself at the time and went basically for a month and a half shaved. The feeling was incredible AND I so much want to do it again. But, living in the south, I decided to allow my fur to grow back until fall when I would no longer want to wear shorts publicly. That said, I figure, in the winter, the only one to know besides myself is my wife. My wife is still struggling with me tellng her 'everything' so I don't know if I'll be able to shave in the fall or not. But that's my plan.
:hugs:

[Nicki B]

Self acceptance - easy to say, but not nearly so easy to get yourself to a place where you can... It's about feelings, not just logic? :idontknow:

[Miranda09]

OK...slow down and catch your breath!!! First, and I'm no expert, but being a single parent, especially with 2 sons I'm sure is not easy. However, this generation seems much more accepting of trends than previous generations, and that includes ear piercings and shavings. I've seen many teenage boys with pierced ears. Ask them about it, just in passing and see what they say. As for the shaving of the legs, hey, body builders and swimmers do it all the time...no biggie.

Right now, maybe the best thing is dress when you have time alone and enjoy it, fully. Then got back to drab mode. Personally I have no problem with both sides of my personality. I can appreciate them both, which is why I don't want one to bury the other.

You sound like a great dad and I know you'll make the right decisions.

:hugs::)

[Deedee Dupree]

Yes it is complicated and stressful... but much of the stress may be self induced, unjustified. IMO, "you" will not know for sure if people will react the way you think they will, nor will you know how you will react to them until you try it. You may discover that being shaved feels great, and finding the courage to do what you wanted to do, trumps any negative vibes from others. If it turns out that way that's a step in the right direction. I put it this way because I had a very thin skin, and that severely delayed my progress... I almost didn't make it. I was wrong about so many of the things I imagined.

So let's say you just shave... if you don't wear anything femme in front of the kids, all you did was shave..... that's NOT outing yourself to them, is it?. If you don't like the reaction you get from people on the street, you could cover up, wear light long pants, etc.

I just shaved completely for a get-together over the MemDay weekend, and here in NY a guy being shaved is not even noticed.

If I had children I would not tell/burden them unless they had a need to know, or were of an age (secure after college or later) where I was certain they could handle it.

Evaluate the risk/reward and make your best guess as to how to proceed. Nothing ventured nothing gained... Good luck.

dd

[AllieSF]

Hi Rebecca,

Only you can make the decision as to what to do and when. You know your kids as well as most parents can know their own kids. However, you can maybe meet yourself halfway so that you can really enjoy your two weeks by yourself. The eye brows you seem to have under control, so just keep up with what you have been doing.

Shaving legs and Arms: I recommend the Karren Hutton "almost there" approach. Trim the hair down to about 1/2 inch, get some Sally Hansen body hair bleach or cheap blond hair dye at your local chain pharmacy, or Walmarts, etc. and bleach/color them. I do that all summer, never get any comments and have even gone out dressed that way during the day with only the person I was with noticing the little white hairs showing. Under nude nylons, nobody can tell. You could even do that with your underarms. Though I haven't tried that yet.

Pierced ears: Depends on how cool your kids are and how weird good old Dad can be sometimes (in their oipinion). I just got mine pierced 3 months ago and my daughter and probably my son are still not over it. But then I have been a "little" different for the last 3 years, so I figured I would go for it. For you: pierced ears do not have to be the be all and end all of dressing up. I have a lot of cheap but very passable (meaning - who knows is they are cheap) clip-on earing from thrift stores, Claires and Icing and where I could find them.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you can do some more transforming without going too far and still not shock the kids or go against what your own concious is saying. Good luck with your decision and do let us know how it all goes.

[erica12b]

You said it! Just how I feel, I keep thinking what about my son, how will it affect him if I even change myself a little bit?

I get him one weekend a month and all summer so there is no dressing for me in the summer at all , I find after the divorce I have no confidence in myself or my choices , and as much as I think I have excepted my fem-self its only privately , (just like my dressing) I have gotten my self pretty down and I am depressed about not dressing at all this summer , I know ill live thru it but right now I am so up and down in my feelings and emotions (pms ‘ing )

I have no advice for you , one day at a time , breath in out , small steps ,

[battybattybats]

You said it! Just how I feel, I keep thinking what about my son, how will it affect him if I even change myself a little bit?

What if you don't?

What if your carrying crossdressing genes? They already identified one gene as being more common amogst TS than non-TS (CDs NOT included in either tests!) and they expect to find more!

So, your possibly passing crossdressing on to your kid. And yet not making it easiet for him to accept his own crossdressing! And what if he is a carrier of the gene and so he isn't a crossdressers but his own kids include one?

And even if your kid and their kids aren't crossdressers there will be crossdressers at school with them. Crossdressers at work.

Seriously consider that keeping CDing from the kid may well be harming them.
That as you may be passing on crossdresser genes by not fighting for CD civil rights may well be harming your kids too.

This was a problem womens-vote and womens rights campainers faced in the 1800's. They decided that the cost of not acting was too great on their daughters and granddaughters than the cost of risking imprisonment and death and orphaning those children by doing nothing. That was on top of the cost of the judgement of others.

And yet we are paralysed with fear just on that last part.

But if your kids are also crossdressers....? And you know there will always be other kids in your community who will be...

While not easy i think we need to re-evaluate the way we consider what is the greatest harm to kids regarding CDing.

[erica12b]

i feel that is why we try and raise them with more acceptance, for others than we where raised , we try and expose them to more and show that its ok , and talk about it , but if i just dress and out my self that will just freak him out , im trying to mold him not put him in a press form,

this is off the thread sorry ,

[Celeste]

I like the way you place kids feelings first,they have a good dad.I also have a teen and like to keep things uncomplicated for her until she gets a bit older.I like to keep in mind gg's also have hair on their arms and legs.What I like to do is remove about 35% of my arm and leg hair with an eyebrow shaver,it just gently rides on the skin trimming it.

You can also rub those areas with sandpaper thinning it out as well.Everything else I shave bare.For those times that I want absolute smooth legs,I just wear tight fitting hose.For the arm hair wear long sleeve blouses and dresses.So that middle ground is obtainable if we search it out.Getting a little extra sun in the summer helps bleach out a lot of the arm and leg hair for me,of coarse with wearing the proper uv protection.

[KateW]

I find that people aren't as observent as we may think. I have been shaping my eyebrows for several years now, and to my recollection, only 3 people have ever passed comment - all were girls and all complimentary. Likewise, no one I have worked with has ever made any remarks about my double pierced ears.

Also, I epilated my legs a few years ago and the hair never fully grew back. Its only really visible up close. To date not a single friend has ever said anything when I'm wearing shorts.

Hair grows back (unless you wax it repeatedly) and earrings can always be taken out once healed if need be. I say go for it and have fun! After I did, I realised that the world kept spinning and most people won't notice / care. Remember that you are doing nothing wrong, millions of men have their ears pierced and sportsmen remove hair for non-cd reasons.

[Carly D.]

I would say small steps towards whatever makes you comfortable.. such as pierced ears, do one one month then the other another month.. I have accepted my cross dressing self but won't force that side of myself on anybody (I am in the closet except for a few excursions out late at night) and so that is my little secret.. however I have my own myspace set up for my Carly side, and have nearly no doubling of stats which is to say while my regular myspace and my Carly myspace say I am male that is where the comparisons stop.. on my male side my birthday is in october where my fem side is may (I think) and my fem side is two years younger than my male side (vanity). my home address on or home whatever it is on my male side is Pluto (the planet not the country) and on my fem side is western NE. someplace... (actually my male myspace is port of entry) but my fem side myspace goes from open to the public to private (ask before you can read or view my pictures)with regularity depending on how brave I feel on that day.... my fem mysapce is filled with others like me and very little else where my male side has mostly bands and other friends with my male interests.. no fem ideals aloud here.. the fem side has nothing but cross dressing and women who show off their legs in pantyhose.. what I guess I'm saying is I live a double life that I can't see ever changing but there is that possibility.. a week ago my mom saw and felt my bra strap.. nothing else was said but it is out there (hope she doesn't think I'm wearing her bra. it won't fit)..

[Super Amanda]

like most are saying, the public WON'T notice!

I was TERRIFIED to show my bare legs, and arms, in public....For no reason. In fact, my family didn't notice. The only one who will notice/care is whomever you sleep with.

You just have to get used to it. Same with the pierced ears. Nobody in public notices/cares about what's in your ears. And unless you want to wait twice as long to wear some "real" earrings, don't get one ear done at a time...Guys these days have both done, or nothing. One ear stud in guys is a fad that ended over ten years ago.

Self acceptance is a tough one, because the situations we are in dictate how easy or hard it is to come to terms.

For example, I too am a single parent. I take care of my 5 year old son. I have custody, and am divorced from his mom.

For a while after I split with my ex, I thought I had to "be a man" for my son's sake. But in my case, trying to be someone I can't be eventually throws me into a deep depression, and will end up leading to much worse problems in the future.

So I did researching and some soul searching, and realized that I can't focus on being a good parent, when I'm so preoccupied with my issues. My Son is young enough that this is a non-issue to him. He knows me, through and through, and loves me no matter what. And I really believe he will grow up to be a very tolerant, special man.


I came out to everyone I know, including family. That in itself was HUGE for me. I see many here struggling with coming out, and it seems to be one of the biggest steps. For me, the relief of not having a secret looming over was key to self acceptance, but as I said, our individual situations dictate how hard or easy that can be.

God luck, and best wishes!

[Rebecca Jackson]

Thanks for all the great replies everyone. It really helped to get your thoughts about this. I guess it all boils down to me becoming more comfortable with myself and not worrying so much about what other people think. I'm taking small steps (the only way to walk in heels!) and feel like I'm making some progress, so at least I'm heading in the right direction!


Yes it is complicated and stressful... but much of the stress may be self induced, unjustified. IMO, "you" will not know for sure if people will react the way you think they will, nor will you know how you will react to them until you try it. You may discover that being shaved feels great, and finding the courage to do what you wanted to do, trumps any negative vibes from others. If it turns out that way that's a step in the right direction. I put it this way because I had a very thin skin, and that severely delayed my progress... I almost didn't make it. I was wrong about so many of the things I imagined.

So let's say you just shave... if you don't wear anything femme in front of the kids, all you did was shave..... that's NOT outing yourself to them, is it?. If you don't like the reaction you get from people on the street, you could cover up, wear light long pants, etc.

I just shaved completely for a get-together over the MemDay weekend, and here in NY a guy being shaved is not even noticed.

If I had children I would not tell/burden them unless they had a need to know, or were of an age (secure after college or later) where I was certain they could handle it.

Evaluate the risk/reward and make your best guess as to how to proceed. Nothing ventured nothing gained... Good luck.

dd

You are sooo right that most of the stress I feel is self-induced. I guess I just imagine the worse case scenario and prepare for that. I know that’s an unreasonable response to the situation and there is no reason for me to feel that way. I also have a very thin skin, and it scares me to think about what I’d feel if someone did react negatively to my shaved legs. But then again, what does it matter, and who cares. Life will go on, and it doesn’t matter what other people think.

I just know that my kids would notice right away if I did shave, and they’d wonder why. My biggest worry is that if my kids did find out and it affected our relationship negatively I would never forgive myself. Again, I know I should give them more credit for being good kids and knowing that they do love me for who I am, and that their love wouldn’t be affected by knowing about my dressing. Still, it’s a scary thing to contemplate. I’ve always felt it best not to tell them until they were older, if then.

You're right about nothing ventured, nothing gained.


Hi Rebecca.

I believe too that self acceptance is critically important - at least to my mental health. It has to be far more important than what others think. That said, I still struggle with the potential of being found-out by others I do not intend to share with. And, I'm willing to share that I'm a CD with ohhh, so very few. I think, at least in my case, that there is some importance in what at least a select few think. The reason is, I feel I need to share with someone who will help affirm me. :battingeyelashes:

I recently dealt with the incredible and irresistible urge to shave my legs. I was on vacation by myself at the time and went basically for a month and a half shaved. The feeling was incredible AND I so much want to do it again. But, living in the south, I decided to allow my fur to grow back until fall when I would no longer want to wear shorts publicly. That said, I figure, in the winter, the only one to know besides myself is my wife. My wife is still struggling with me tellng her 'everything' so I don't know if I'll be able to shave in the fall or not. But that's my plan.
:hugs:

It is hard not having others I can share this part of my life with and who I can do things with. It helps to have the people here to chat with, but it would be so nice to have people here that I could actually talk to and go out with.

It does feel so wonderful to have smooth legs, and I’m really fighting the urge to shave them. But, like you, I’ll probably end up waiting until fall when I don’t wear shorts anymore.

I hope it works out so you can shave in the fall!


OK...slow down and catch your breath!!! First, and I'm no expert, but being a single parent, especially with 2 sons I'm sure is not easy. However, this generation seems much more accepting of trends than previous generations, and that includes ear piercings and shavings. I've seen many teenage boys with pierced ears. Ask them about it, just in passing and see what they say. As for the shaving of the legs, hey, body builders and swimmers do it all the time...no biggie.

Right now, maybe the best thing is dress when you have time alone and enjoy it, fully. Then got back to drab mode. Personally I have no problem with both sides of my personality. I can appreciate them both, which is why I don't want one to bury the other.

You sound like a great dad and I know you'll make the right decisions.

:hugs::)

I think it would be a lot easier being a single parent if I had family in this area, but I’m basically all alone out here since all my family is on the west coast. And my ex-wife is several states away, which is not such a bad thing, except that she isn’t here to give me some help with the kids when I need it. But I’m surviving.

My boys are good kids, but they know me well enough to know that I normally would not pierce my ears, and they’d think that was pretty strange, not knowing the reason why I did get them pierced.

You’re right about making the best of the time I do get to dress. I know I sometimes over-think things and make it harder on myself than I need to.




Hi Rebecca,

Only you can make the decision as to what to do and when. You know your kids as well as most parents can know their own kids. However, you can maybe meet yourself halfway so that you can really enjoy your two weeks by yourself. The eye brows you seem to have under control, so just keep up with what you have been doing.

Shaving legs and Arms: I recommend the Karren Hutton "almost there" approach. Trim the hair down to about 1/2 inch, get some Sally Hansen body hair bleach or cheap blond hair dye at your local chain pharmacy, or Walmarts, etc. and bleach/color them. I do that all summer, never get any comments and have even gone out dressed that way during the day with only the person I was with noticing the little white hairs showing. Under nude nylons, nobody can tell. You could even do that with your underarms. Though I haven't tried that yet.

Pierced ears: Depends on how cool your kids are and how weird good old Dad can be sometimes (in their oipinion). I just got mine pierced 3 months ago and my daughter and probably my son are still not over it. But then I have been a "little" different for the last 3 years, so I figured I would go for it. For you: pierced ears do not have to be the be all and end all of dressing up. I have a lot of cheap but very passable (meaning - who knows is they are cheap) clip-on earing from thrift stores, Claires and Icing and where I could find them.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you can do some more transforming without going too far and still not shock the kids or go against what your own concious is saying. Good luck with your decision and do let us know how it all goes.

I already have my itinerary planned out after my son’s flight leaves! I’ll be in another city, so I’ll feel safer buying fem stuff there than I would at the stores where I live. I plan on hitting two second-hand stores, the MAC store, and two malls to get more clothes and make-up. I just hope I don’t get nervous and lose my nerve.

I am feeling more comfortable with the eyebrow thinning, so that’s progress! That’s a good suggestion about trimming the hair shorter, and I think I will try that. I’m already shaving my underarms. More progress!

Pierced ears is the one thing I’m most hesitant about. How did your kids react? I’m sure my kids would think it was very strange if I did get my ears pierced. I used to have lots of clip-on earrings, but unfortunately got rid of them (along with everything else) right before my divorce. Ugh. I think there is something almost symbolic for me about getting my ears pierced and finally taking a stand and being open about who I am. Plus those darned clip-on really hurt after a while!


You said it! Just how I feel, I keep thinking what about my son, how will it affect him if I even change myself a little bit?

I get him one weekend a month and all summer so there is no dressing for me in the summer at all , I find after the divorce I have no confidence in myself or my choices , and as much as I think I have excepted my fem-self its only privately , (just like my dressing) I have gotten my self pretty down and I am depressed about not dressing at all this summer , I know ill live thru it but right now I am so up and down in my feelings and emotions (pms ‘ing )

I have no advice for you , one day at a time , breath in out , small steps ,

Going through a divorce can be tough, and it can really take a toll on your mental outlook and confidence. It takes time, but you will feel better about yourself and about life in general.

Dressing gets a lot more complicated when you have kids to think about. It’s hard knowing you can’t dress all summer, but hopefully the time will pass quickly and this gives you something to look forward to in the fall!

Hang in there.


What if you don't?

What if your carrying crossdressing genes? They already identified one gene as being more common amogst TS than non-TS (CDs NOT included in either tests!) and they expect to find more!

So, your possibly passing crossdressing on to your kid. And yet not making it easiet for him to accept his own crossdressing! And what if he is a carrier of the gene and so he isn't a crossdressers but his own kids include one?

And even if your kid and their kids aren't crossdressers there will be crossdressers at school with them. Crossdressers at work.

Seriously consider that keeping CDing from the kid may well be harming them.
That as you may be passing on crossdresser genes by not fighting for CD civil rights may well be harming your kids too.

This was a problem womens-vote and womens rights campainers faced in the 1800's. They decided that the cost of not acting was too great on their daughters and granddaughters than the cost of risking imprisonment and death and orphaning those children by doing nothing. That was on top of the cost of the judgement of others.

And yet we are paralysed with fear just on that last part.

But if your kids are also crossdressers....? And you know there will always be other kids in your community who will be...

While not easy i think we need to re-evaluate the way we consider what is the greatest harm to kids regarding CDing.

Wow Batty, this was a very thought-provoking reply. I have always felt being tg was a result of both genetics and environment (but mostly genetics), and I’ve often wondered if my kids will have a predispositions towards it. I think being tg has allowed me to be more in touch with all aspects of who I am, and for that I am grateful. But, all things considered, I’m still not sure how I’d feel if my kids were tg. It can be a very stressful and complicated way to live.

May I ask if you’re a parent? It is my experience that things are not always black and white, and that this in particular is a very complicated issue. My kids and I have always talked about being open-minded and accepting of those who are different than us, even if we don’t agree with or understand their choices. It’s not our place to judge others, and we won’t always understand why people are the way they are, or the choices they make. So yes, in a perfect world, and if I were a perfect parent, I would be open with them about being a cd and they would be accepting of it and have no problems with this. But the reality is that right now I’m not comfortable talking to them about this part of myself. Could this attitude be doing a disservice to them? Possibly. But just because I don’t talk to them about this particular issue doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to raise them to be accepting and understanding of everyone, including tg folks. I’ll be the first to admit I’m far from being a perfect parent, but I do my best, and I think I’ve raised two pretty good kids. And not everyone is cutout or willing to be leading the charge for tg rights. I think we’d all agree that this is an important issue and that we’re all very appreciative of those who are leading the fight, but not all of us are willing or able to be in a position where we can act on this.

Again, I appreciate your thoughts on this and I hope I don’t come across as too opinionated with my views on this.


I like the way you place kids feelings first,they have a good dad.I also have a teen and like to keep things uncomplicated for her until she gets a bit older.I like to keep in mind gg's also have hair on their arms and legs.What I like to do is remove about 35% of my arm and leg hair with an eyebrow shaver,it just gently rides on the skin trimming it.

You can also rub those areas with sandpaper thinning it out as well.Everything else I shave bare.For those times that I want absolute smooth legs,I just wear tight fitting hose.For the arm hair wear long sleeve blouses and dresses.So that middle ground is obtainable if we search it out.Getting a little extra sun in the summer helps bleach out a lot of the arm and leg hair for me,of coarse with wearing the proper uv protection.

Thanks for the kind words Celeste, I appreciate it. It’s tough enough being a teenager these days, and like you I try keep things as uncomplicated as I can for them.

It’s always a challenge finding that elusive middle ground! I think I’ll try trimming my legs and arms with the shaver head from my epilator, which keeps it much shorter and less noticeable, but still leaves enough hair so it’s not completely bare looking.

Sandpaper? Ouch!!!


I find that people aren't as observent as we may think. I have been shaping my eyebrows for several years now, and to my recollection, only 3 people have ever passed comment - all were girls and all complimentary. Likewise, no one I have worked with has ever made any remarks about my double pierced ears.

Also, I epilated my legs a few years ago and the hair never fully grew back. Its only really visible up close. To date not a single friend has ever said anything when I'm wearing shorts.

Hair grows back (unless you wax it repeatedly) and earrings can always be taken out once healed if need be. I say go for it and have fun! After I did, I realised that the world kept spinning and most people won't notice / care. Remember that you are doing nothing wrong, millions of men have their ears pierced and sportsmen remove hair for non-cd reasons.

I also have spots on my legs where I epilated and the hair didn’t grow back. But that was from a long time ago with the old-style Epilady that had that nasty coil and was pure torture to use. I have the Braun epilator and that is sooo much nicer to use! I have been epilating certain areas on my legs, sort of enlarging the bald spots a little, and so far no one has mentioned that. So I guess I’ll keep going!

You’re right, I just need to do it and stop worrying so much!


I would say small steps towards whatever makes you comfortable.. such as pierced ears, do one one month then the other another month.. I have accepted my cross dressing self but won't force that side of myself on anybody (I am in the closet except for a few excursions out late at night) and so that is my little secret.. however I have my own myspace set up for my Carly side, and have nearly no doubling of stats which is to say while my regular myspace and my Carly myspace say I am male that is where the comparisons stop.. on my male side my birthday is in october where my fem side is may (I think) and my fem side is two years younger than my male side (vanity). my home address on or home whatever it is on my male side is Pluto (the planet not the country) and on my fem side is western NE. someplace... (actually my male myspace is port of entry) but my fem side myspace goes from open to the public to private (ask before you can read or view my pictures)with regularity depending on how brave I feel on that day.... my fem mysapce is filled with others like me and very little else where my male side has mostly bands and other friends with my male interests.. no fem ideals aloud here.. the fem side has nothing but cross dressing and women who show off their legs in pantyhose.. what I guess I'm saying is I live a double life that I can't see ever changing but there is that possibility.. a week ago my mom saw and felt my bra strap.. nothing else was said but it is out there (hope she doesn't think I'm wearing her bra. it won't fit)..

Yep, I agree that small steps are the way to go!


like most are saying, the public WON'T notice!

I was TERRIFIED to show my bare legs, and arms, in public....For no reason. In fact, my family didn't notice. The only one who will notice/care is whomever you sleep with.

You just have to get used to it. Same with the pierced ears. Nobody in public notices/cares about what's in your ears. And unless you want to wait twice as long to wear some "real" earrings, don't get one ear done at a time...Guys these days have both done, or nothing. One ear stud in guys is a fad that ended over ten years ago.

Self acceptance is a tough one, because the situations we are in dictate how easy or hard it is to come to terms.

For example, I too am a single parent. I take care of my 5 year old son. I have custody, and am divorced from his mom.

For a while after I split with my ex, I thought I had to "be a man" for my son's sake. But in my case, trying to be someone I can't be eventually throws me into a deep depression, and will end up leading to much worse problems in the future.

So I did researching and some soul searching, and realized that I can't focus on being a good parent, when I'm so preoccupied with my issues. My Son is young enough that this is a non-issue to him. He knows me, through and through, and loves me no matter what. And I really believe he will grow up to be a very tolerant, special man.


I came out to everyone I know, including family. That in itself was HUGE for me. I see many here struggling with coming out, and it seems to be one of the biggest steps. For me, the relief of not having a secret looming over was key to self acceptance, but as I said, our individual situations dictate how hard or easy that can be.

God luck, and best wishes!

What a great reply Amanda. Thank you; you’ve given me much to think about. I admire you for being strong enough to be secure in who you are and for taking the steps you have.

But when you say no one noticed when you shaved your legs, are you light haired and not much body hair? I’m dark haired and fairly hairy, so to me it would be glaringly obvious if I shaved my legs and arms.

But I think the bigger issue I have is that by worrying so much about someone noticing and saying something that I make myself uncomfortable and nervous and draw attention to myself, which results in a vicious cycle. By being so paranoid about people noticing I’m in effect making it easier for people to notice me.

You make a great point about not being able to be a good parent when you’re preoccupied with your own issues. Since the divorce I’ve always felt I should put my issues on the back burner and focus on the kids, but maybe that wasn’t the best approach to take. I’ve had mild depression at times over the past few years, and I wonder if it was related to that. I don’t know that I’m ready to come out to everyone, but I do know I need to embrace this part of myself and be more comfortable with expressing it.

[battybattybats]

But, all things considered, I’m still not sure how I’d feel if my kids were tg. It can be a very stressful and complicated way to live.

True but only these days and only because of the transphobia that took over society.


May I ask if you’re a parent?

Sure you can ask anything. I'm not a parent. Many friends are but I am not.


It is my experience that things are not always black and white, and that this in particular is a very complicated issue.

Agreed.


My kids and I have always talked about being open-minded and accepting of those who are different than us, even if we don’t agree with or understand their choices. It’s not our place to judge others, and we won’t always understand why people are the way they are, or the choices they make.

So in theory you taught them to be accepting.


So yes, in a perfect world, and if I were a perfect parent, I would be open with them about being a cd and they would be accepting of it and have no problems with this.

I'm not a parent, but I've studied more than a little of Ethics. And making the right choice in a perfect world has no value whatsoever. It is only when made in an imperfect world that doing the right thing matters.


But the reality is that right now I’m not comfortable talking to them about this part of myself.

So you don't talk to them about this because of your own issues with it. Thats important. It suggests areas you can work on ie your own self-acceptance, your internalised transphobia. And who knows, maybe talking about it to them could make it easier for you to be comfortable with yourself. Depending on how accepting they are of course.


Could this attitude be doing a disservice to them? Possibly.

There's part of their parent shut off from them, that they don't know, hidden from them. That they too may carry within themselves and whether they experience it themselves could pass to their own children. How could there be doubt that it's a disservice?


But just because I don’t talk to them about this particular issue doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to raise them to be accepting and understanding of everyone, including tg folks.

That is important. But by not accepting yourself are you failing to practice what you preach?


I’ll be the first to admit I’m far from being a perfect parent, but I do my best, and I think I’ve raised two pretty good kids. And not everyone is cutout or willing to be leading the charge for tg rights.

are leaders really important? I think what we just need is ordinary folk doing something. Their duty to themselves and everyone around them. But if you need a leader fine. I'll do it, or one of the hundreds of people active already far more effective and out than me. But whats the use of a leader if their are no followers? Whats the point of someone speaking out with no crowd behind them? I think there are no possible excuses for every single TG person to not be involved. Not everyone has to be out, but those who arent should donate more money and do more online anonymously to make up for it. Everyone owes each other on this. No-one has an excuse to do nothing!


I think we’d all agree that this is an important issue and that we’re all very appreciative of those who are leading the fight, but not all of us are willing or able to be in a position where we can act on this.

If you can post here you can write to politicians. If you can post on here you can put 1 pro-TG comment a day anonymously or under a screen-name ona TG article where hate is being spewed to show that there are pro-tg people out there.

No-one who can be online is in a position where they can do nothing!


Again, I appreciate your thoughts on this and I hope I don’t come across as too opinionated with my views on this.

No worries :)
These are tough issues and I constantly re-assess my opinions to take into account new ideas data and views. Those conclusions are making me more and more convinced about what needs to be done and how to do it. And so I do more ebcause thats the logical ethical thing to do.

[Carly D.]

If you live in a big city (where some stores stay open all night) then you live where they might not care or notice.. here there is the super walmart and the gas station where I got gas at, that stay open 24/7.. but towns where there are many of these, such as a town where there are maybe two or more walmarts.. it would be so easy to develop an attitude that no one will care about what you wear..