Help please! Preferably a ggs advice but any will be appriciated...

[Kiera]

ok... where do I begin... I am in love with two women from my past. Neither are local but I am in daily contact with both. None of my recent contact has been in person, only online or on the phone. One knows about kiera and is supportive the other does not know and likely does not even suspect anything in the least. Both tell me that they love me.

The one who knows and is supportive is a bit older than myself but lives with another man. She says that she does not want to stay with him and that she loves me but makes no real effort to change her situation. She has already had children and has taken permanant steps to keep from having anymore. We email on pretty much a daily basis but she only emails me from work and is very busy so the messages are typically short. We had a very special connection in the past and I feel comfortable talking with her about pretty much anything.

The one who does not know and certainly would not guess it in a million years... Is the same age as me. She has one child and wants to have more. She is smart, attractive and very charming. I have never heard any negative comments from her about anyone for being who they want to be but also do not know if she would still be interested in me if I came clean to her about who I am. Understandably of course.

Now to my dilema... With the first woman I would most certainly be able to express myself in what ever fashion I wanted. Whether that be as male or female. I would not be able to have a family of my own however, and there is a part of me that would very much love to raise a child of my own. And then there is the chance that she may not want me over her current man if it actualy came down to tryig to pursue the realtionship further.
With the second woman I would get a second chance at being the male me. I would have the opportunity to raise a child and have a chance to lead a "normal" life. Telling her would mean I could possibly loose some of the dearest friends I have ever had if it turns out that she is not accepting or supportive.

I was married a few years ago and am now divorced. I did everything I felt was right as soon as I entered the relationship. I was upfront and honest about Kiera long before we decided to get married. When she left she outed me. In the process I lost all of my local friends, many members of my family, and it put a huge strain on the family relationships I managed to hold on to. I live alone now. I havent had a single visit from anyone in over 3 years now to my home. I pretty much go to work and come home. Dress when I like but rarely venture out in male or female form.

As I see it here are my choices....

One... I can try to pursue the relationship with the woman who knows and is supportive. She may or may not leave the other man for me and I would never be able to have children.

Two... I can tell the woman who does not know and risk not only loosing her, but also the few remaining friends I have abroad.

Three.. I can not tell, and try to give up the feminine side of myself. I have tried for most of my life to do this without the slightest success. I would keep my friends and be in a normal husband-wife relationship.

I have grown weary of being alone. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in denial either. I do not want to be so seflish as to base a relationship on a lie. I long for the old friendships that I have had and do not want to loose the few that I have left. By choosing one woman over the other I risk loosing one of them forever.
What do I do? :confused:

thx for taking the time to read this...
Hugs,
Kiera

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Kiera<hug>-

Obviously I'm not a gg <heavy sigh> and I'm certainly not even going to try to give advice on your situation. My gosh, if I were competent to do that I would write a book, make tons of money and fly off to Thailand to have certain things taken care of. I can say this, though, I think you should take option #3 right off the table. Being TG isn't something that will just go away or that you can stuff forever. At least I never have been able to and the times I tried it I was miserable. I bet lots of others will say the same.

Good luck, girl. I hope you get tons of good advice.

Hugs...Joni Marie

[Kiera]

Thanks Joni Marie,
Option 3 is definitly the most undesirable... likely impossible.
Anyway, I appriciate your feedback.
Hugs,
Kiera

[MJ]

just be honest and upfront. about who you are if the woman in your life can't accept you then move on... why live a lie for someone else

[mklinden2010]

First, forget the woman already in a relationship with another man. Odds are she's using you to prop up her life and she is, in effect, using you for her own ends. Love you? Nah. Love that you hang around? Probably.

Second, the other woman you describe doesn't really know you. So, you're going to have a "bug on the windshield moment" with her at some point and it's not going to be pretty. Have you any indication from her that she's going to want someone with your "interests" co-raising her child, or, the next one?

To be harsh, both relationships seem to be shams and a rather foolish investment of someone's time and energy. Evenly split with the first one, more your fault on the second.

Sorry about that. But you need to check in with reality and not imagine so much what is going on and where things can go.

You can love and be loved by many people. The special relationship you're trying to create, however, can't be the result of an either/or choice. If it is, it will always be a source of uncertainty and ill ease.

When you are with the right one, it is THE right one.

Good luck,

Abby

[Bethany38]

Well I'm not a GG but if it were me? I would roll the dice and tell the second choice about kiera. I mean, what is the fun in life without just a little risk. As far as I can tell pretty much everyone who matters in your life already knows from the other person outing you, so why not sit down and even if over the phone and have a heart to heart with your second choice. This would of course be better done in person. If that is not possible over the phone will do. Also your first choice to me is not really much of a choice, I would say that, that one is more of a comfort zone. just my :2c:.





Bethany

[Christina Horton]

the thing is do you want kids? The first wife outed you and (all)your friends left you? Were they your friends or hers ? If they left you there not really your friends eh! The first girl is with someone. Do you really want to be the other man/woman. The second woman will love you and (should) be ok with your Cding. I would go with telling her right away and letting her make the choice. If you lose her fine if you lose you last friends cuz you Cd are they really your friends? You can't live your life without your Cding so just tell the second one and let her work it out. But that's my :2c:

[Holly]

As I see it here are my choices....

One... I can try to pursue the relationship with the woman who knows and is supportive. She may or may not leave the other man for me and I would never be able to have children.

Two... I can tell the woman who does not know and risk not only loosing her, but also the few remaining friends I have abroad.

Three.. I can not tell, and try to give up the feminine side of myself. I have tried for most of my life to do this without the slightest success. I would keep my friends and be in a normal husband-wife relationship.Four... I have not yet met the partner of my dreams, and I need to get out and start making a happy future for myself.

Kiera, I'm sorry that your first marriage didn't work out. It's history now and there is nothing you can do to change it. The only thing you can change is tomorrow.


I havent had a single visit from anyone in over 3 years now to my home. I pretty much go to work and come home. Dress when I like but rarely venture out in male or female form.Sweetie, three years and not a single visitor to your home? Sis, you are in hiding. It's time to come out! It's time to stop feeding off the past and to start building a future. Get out more. Volunteer to work on something you enjoy doing... is there a GLBT organization nearby that could use some help? Does your city have parks that need some extra attention? Could you coach a kid's sports team (opportunity to meet single mom's :D)? Join a bowling league? Just start doing something to get yourself out there and back in circulation.

Next you need to decide what it is that you really want. I know this will sound silly, but get out a piece of paper and start making a list. On one side list the "Must Haves" and on the other side list the "Deal Breakers." You have mentioned a couple of things already... an understanding and supportive partner as it relates to your TGism and having a family of your own. Which side of the paper those go on are up to you to decide. I'm sure you'll think of dozens more. And remember, what you write down on the list is not etched in stone. You must be willing to make adjustments as you go along. As you get back to interacting socially again you may very well find things put on one side of the list fit better on the other.

Now get out there and LIVE!:)

[Sophia de la luz]

It's amazing how people here will speak their minds so openly on such tender issues.
I would urge you to get out and meet new people. As they say, choice doesn't start until you have at least 3 options. Two options is a dilemma. Move towards choice. Allow yourself the permission to exist and then allow yourself the permission to choose.
And, yes, look forward.

[stephaniedoes]

hi kiera, i would like to share a little tidbit about myself with you and whomever. i have been back and forth with this my entire life. i have also found myself alone and would have been outed but didnt share it with my ex, however she did no about xtra corickular activities in the room that she did share with others. after 14 yrs and 2 sons she left me and my boys for my older brother, this happened in 2002 and they are still together, they have many probs of there own and by any means should have seperated by now, but havent. so anyway i moved on with my life dressing only when it was good for me and then i met my current wife online in 2005, she has 1 child and my 2 make 3 hehe, anyway i swore off living for others but as time past she managed to sneak into my heart and i commited to her. betwwen u me and the fence post i wasnt honest with her about myself until just lately, telling her she is the only thread holding me from full time femme in which i am mentally anyway, has always been this way but until the last cpl yrs i feel that im not happy and that i have to tell her somehow, she is not perticulary happy about it now that i have told her about my femme dreams but to me doesnt matter, i would rather be alone again in my life and ways if i get to do what i desire and not living for others. if i could go back i would certainly tell her about it and see what would have happened because im not ever going to stop being this person that I AM ever again for anyone and i would hate to not be able to help someone if my story could. so i think if you would like to change your lifestyle and live with someone that you should tell her about your self and see what happens, who knows it could be great for you, but be4 you do get very intimate and find some things in which you can both share and be able to keep secret forever from others if youd like to stay indoors.. i wish you all the best but id say choose the one that is your age, i think with no disrespect on the other you are a fantasy.. goodluck:)

[Karren H]

Wow!! Talk about complicated!! Peronally I'd like to see some kind of competition!! Suden death playoffs.. Best woman wins!! Obviously I'm not a GG either and not very good at relationships..

[Leslie Foxx]

First off, you say you are in love with two women at the same time. Both are long distance relationships. Honey, that ain't LOVE. You may be attracted to them, or in love with the idea of being with them, but that's a whole different story.

Second, you are a hermit or a recluse, and not engaged outside of your work and home. To have a successful relationship with anyone, you need to get yourself emotionally and psychologically healthy. Otherwise, any new relationship is bound to derail.

The woman who is with another man is not a good choice. She is looking to jump ship with the thought that something better may/has come along. She's not happy with the one she has, but is unwilling to go it on her own. Be careful, as she is likely to try to upgrade again once she sees a pasture greener than yours.

The second woman may be a good choice, but you need to let her know what she's getting into BEFORE she gets into it.

Holly's advice to make a list of what you want out of YOUR life is a great place to start.

[ambe96]

Ok, as a GG (which why a GG's response is going to be any different, I dont know) here are my thoughts as I read your post.

#1 The first thing you need to do is get rid of the one who already has a man. If she hasnt left him already for you, she never will. We girls like to hang on to options in our lives and someone always ends up waiting and getting hurt. Plus that just sounds like a lot of drama that you dont need.

#2 Go ahead and tell the second one all about you. The others are right that there is no point in hiding who you truely are. If she is supportive of it, GREAT! If she is shocked, give her some time. If she is grossed out and wants nothing to do with you, then move on and find someone who will love you for who you are. As far as the new friends, if they also find out and do not want to be your friend anymore, then they are not TRUE friends. True friends will be your friend no matter what! Always remember that!

You have every right in life to have everything you want. Its the matter of getting out there and finding them!

Sounds to me that you are searching for a wonderful woman that is loving and supportive of who you truely are with the option of children. When you find the right one, you will know and not need to ask fyi! LOL

I wish I lived near you because I would come over and hang out with you!

[MissConstrued]

Your profile says you're only 33, and here you are, pinning all your hopes and dreams for marital bliss on two women -- one of whom isn't a candidate at all, really.

What the hell is wrong with you? Halitosis, maybe? Your pic, from what I can see, shows a reasonably attractive and fit human being.

Let me ask a rather obvious question. How did the older gal become supportive? You had to tell her first, right? But forget her. If she'll leave a guy for you, she'll leave you for another down the road.

If you like the younger one, tell her. If she's cool, great. If not, there's other fish in the sea, but you do have to leave your cave to catch them.

Forget this idea of acceptance. If a girl likes you as a person, you could be an ax murderer, and she'd love you just the same. Note how many women have boyfriends in prison.

Don't fear rejection, either. Join the Man Club! Men are rejected all the time, for a myriad of reasons, or no reason at all. The more it happens, the less it will bother you. And when it doesn't bother you any more, your aura changes, and they'll start chasing you. Some friends of mine did this experiment one night at a bar crowded with college girls. The goal was to hit on enough women to get rejected 10 times. They got more phone numbers than rejections.

[JulieC]

I have to agree with the sentiments expressed by many that you should forget about the older woman who knows all about you. If she loves you, but stays with him, there's a problem. A real problem. Irrespective of you, if she doesn't love him why is she still living with him? Lots of problems with this one. Keep her as a friend, but forget about developing a relationship with her.

Another reason to not develop a relationship with her is your stated desire to have kids. I once had a girlfriend who kept flip flopping on whether she wanted kids or not. That was 20 years ago. Believe it or not, she's STILL flip flopping on it (we're still friends), though time is running out on her (early 40s). Early on with my now wife, I asked directly whether she wanted kids or not, and I got a very emphatic yes. There's no half way with having kids. Either you have them or you don't. It seems to be in your soul to have kids. So make it happen.

As to the second woman, a lot seems to be right here except that she doesn't know. You are fearing the unknown. You don't know how she will react. You don't know if she's going to out you to the friends you have left. You don't know if it will endanger the possibility of a relationship with her.

Look, you might lose all your friends. I don't want to trivialize that. That would be very hard. But if it happens, it happens. You're still you. Go out and make new friends. There's plenty of opportunity to do so. If your 'friends' would reject you if they knew you were transgendered, would you want them as friends anyways?

Risk it. Tell her. Don't even THINK of (if it gets this far) asking her to marry you without her knowing before you ask her.

And, forget about trying to repress it and live a 'normal' life.

The reality is that crossdressers ARE normal people. Society tries to say we're not normal, but look at all the other things that society has screwed up. I refuse to accept society's condemnation of me as factually based. I am normal. I crossdress. So do you. You are normal to. Stop living a life of repression and start living life of acceptance of yourself. If this woman (the second one) doesn't accept you for all of who you are, then move on. Time is too precious to be spent screwing around in relationships with people who don't accept you.

[Kathi Lake]

I like both Holly's and Miss C's advice. Holly is always sweet, gentle, and very wise (Awwwww, our big sis!). Miss C is always blunt and to the point - brutal, even - but you can tell she cares, and her advice is always really, really good.

Kathi

[cindym5_04]

I know...another non-gg chiming in. I'll add my :2c: and agree with most of the other posts:

Attached woman- let her go. You can stay as friends, otherwise stay away. NOT a good situation. Trust me (don't ask, just trust me).

Woman who doesn't know- If you're really that into her and she's that into you, now would be a good time to discuss it with her. It's best not to invest yourself and your time or for her to invest so much of herself and her time into this and not be accepting. There are lots of women out there who are accepting and there's a lot of women that are not. You really should tell her and figure out which category she falls into.

Overall though, you should go out and start trying to meet people. New friends are good things. You're 33- you still have a lot of time to find someone to truly devote yourself to, who will totally accept who you are.

[Kiera]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice.

Obviously I have a lot of thinking and soul searching to do.

Hugs,
Kiera

[MissConstrued]

Miss C is always blunt and to the point - brutal, even - but you can tell she cares, and her advice is always really, really good.

Kathi


Move over, Miss Manners! Here comes Dr. Phil in drag. :D

[TSchapes]

Like a number of girls here said, you need to move on and find some other women. Preferably within driving distance. :brolleyes:

Questions to ask yourself:

If a woman is seeing you while with another man, why wouldn't she do that when she's with you?

If a woman doesn't like Kiera, wouldn't that mean that she would hate half of you?

How many CD's have been successful at quiting?

I would ask yourself these questions, and be truthful.

-Tracy :hugs:

[Sandra]

Drop the one who has a man, after all if she's not going to leave him then you're still going to be alone.


Now maybe the harder part, tell the other one. If it doesn't work out then so be it, but you may be surprised and find that she's ok with cding, but your not going to know unless you tell her.