after telling the SO

[Stephenie]

So those of us that have come out to our SOs and have been told that it is not going to happen in thier marrage, What did you do?

I am still trying to figure out what I should do.

1. I can go back in the closet were I have spent the last 40+ yrs. It is a nice comfortable place to be but, it is lonely and there is a lot of risk in getting caught, especially now that she would be looking for signs.


2. I can tell her that I'm not going to stop but will only dress when she and the kids are not around. With this option she will think that every time she leaves the house I will be dressing. (not every time but a lot more). This will put a lot of strain to a already stress filled life.


3. I can divorce her and live alone. But this option means turning my back on oblagations that I have made to many people. My wife, kids, and the birth parents of my adopted childern, I made promises to them as they handed me thier childern to raise because they could not. It is a powerful feeling to have someone put thier baby in your arms and see them crying. I well never forget that look.


4.. I can stop dressing and try to find another way of expressing myself(Stephenie).


5. I can try to repress Stephenie to the piont that she is gone. Not likely going happen now that she has seen the outside of the closet. And I like her.

As of now it would appear that 4 then 1 will probably be what happens.
Though she was a lot to say on the subject also. As she is not happy that I will not say that CDing is wrong and that I should never have done it.

I feel she wants all the parts of me that are Stephenie with out having Stephenie. The emotions and the tenderness, the way Stephenie likes to sit and talk and Stephenie is alot neater around the house.

Of course if she found out that Stephenie has a name I think she would either have a stroke or leave on the spot. But she really likes Stephenie and probably married me and has stayed with me for so long because of Stephenie, She see Steph peeking out from the male me but never realized what she was seeing. I tryed to get her to see that but she does not want to. Well this started as a survey, request for advice post and then got to be a spill me guts kind of thing. Well, you all know how it is once a girl starts talking Hugs all.

[Priscilla1018]

I have never been in that position and so don't have any advice,all I have is a big Priscilla HUG. :hugs: :hugs:

[Maddie Knight]

4.. I can stop dressing and try to find another way of expressing myself(Stephenie).

You could try but i'm sure many of us have tried and failed.

I hope your SO will in time accept Stephenie, and if not try to come up with a compromise.
Maybe she will allow Stephenie as long as she doesn't see her. I know this works for one of my friends.

[Genifer Teal]

I feel she wants all the parts of me that are Stephenie with out having Stephenie. The emotions and the tenderness, the way Stephenie likes to sit and talk and Stephenie is alot neater around the house.

If you are going to try #4 (for a while at least) then be sure all the things you mention above go away too. Let her see what living with a typlical male could be like. Maybe she could learn to accept some of the bad with the good.

I can only guess what it would be like in your situation. Best of luck to you. No solution will be easy.

Hugs - Genifer

[Krissi]

Steph,

I don't know how long ago you came out to her, but you can hold out some hope. Spouses have been known to cool off after a while as the emotions start to settle down. During that cool down period you'll definately have to take #4 and show her that you are making an effort, but also help her realize that there is a part of your person that is missing as well.

With her wanting you to admit to being wrong, sounds like she may have some deep convictions either through upbringing, church, or maybe just her parental nature. She may feel that your "habit" will corrupt the kids, and with adoptive kids involved that you would lose them if anyone found out. It will take a long cooling off time, followed by some calm, open dialog to work through this. As you have pointed out, she will be suspicious of you, she doesn't want to talk about it now, but maybe after a breather you can calmy discuss each others concerns.

[BethCD]

Stephanie, You poor thing. So many of us are afraid to come out to SO for this reason. But living in the closet is not the answer either. I hope that in time you two can come to a compromise (dressing only when alone, etc.)
In my case she was a bit more understanding, but I was able to push things too far. I would get dressed and go for walks in the neighborhood at night and she started threatening with the D word (divorce) if I kept it up. So I had to hit the brakes and slow things down a lot. I'm now to where I can dress somewhat freely at home as long as I don't do it too often. My fem side sensitivity kicks in to help me realize when I'm going overboard...
The big thing for us has been compromise. I'm a real good husband to her and she lets Beth happen once in a while. I truly hope you can find find something similar.
Best of luck, BethCD

[DonnaT]

2. I can tell her that I'm not going to stop but will only dress when she and the kids are not around. With this option she will think that every time she leaves the house I will be dressing. (not every time but a lot more). This will put a lot of strain to a already stress filled life.

I don't see how this could be more of a strain than #1 or #4.

That is, there would be a lot more stress from lying, hiding, possibly getting caught and having your wife not trust you (1).

As for trying to stop (4), in the short run you could probably manage ok, but in the long run, if the trials of other CDs who have tried and failed is any indication, you're likely to put more stress on yourself in trying to deny the urge as it resurfaces.

So I suggest going along with #2. Explain that CDing is a part of your life, not a habit, and can't be cured. Explain the good things Stephenie brings into the relationship.

[liz lesbow]

I recently came out to my wife and was lucky. What you might do is sit down with her tell her how much you care and appreciate her. Ask her to understand that you have come to accept yourself over the years and hope she will as well. Open up to her with your feelings. If things get really rough try suggesting counseling. Its free with most group med policies like Kaiser. I really doubt there is a counselor in the world that would not be supportive of both your needs and feeling and hers as well. For me the worst thing is to hide my feelings or try to make my wife hide hers. Acceptance is the key to our marriage. I hope everything works out well for you both. Give her lots of space and some time to realize how much your relationship is worth to her. Love heals all wounds.

[DragonLotus]

But she really likes Stephenie and probably married me and has stayed with me for so long because of Stephenie, She see Steph peeking out from the male me but never realized what she was seeing. I tryed to get her to see that but she does not want to.

Ok, I'm a GG but this passage right here gave me some real food for thought. Perhaps after a cooling off period, when her body language isn't as tense, etc....you might try asking her what she likes/loves about you as a husband. Or you could try asking her what stereotypical things about men does she dislike and does she see you as having less of those traits.

If she can be the one to have the "idea" that she likes things about you that aren't typical (your sensitivity, equal way of treating her, etc) then you might be able to explain to her that part of who she loves is your less masculine side. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about but if I had a guy without so many stereotypical male habits I would love telling him how great he is over and over. Perhaps she just needs a reminder. Then don't bring up your female alter ego for awhile, just remind her of the you she knows and loves and maybe she'll start coming around when she sees you're so much more than she could have settled for.

I wish you all the best, it's got to be hard. And to all the CD's out there, you have my utmost respect for dealing with SO issues that take more courage than most people develop in a lifetime.

[Stephenie]

Nice of you all to reply,

krissi- It is a church thing and I also think something from her past she would admitt to(even to herself)

We are in counciling and yes there are councilors that are against CDing and we are going to one. This is not helping Stephenie and makes it less likely that this well work out for my way of seeing things. When ever I bring up seeing a different councilor she says that I am just trying to find someone who will tell me that it is okay for me to CD. Can't argue with that to much.

I have learned a few things about myself and the way I was raised and how I am disassociating my emotions from the rest of me. That I only am able to feel emotions when I am dressed because only girls feel things and boys don't. But then I sort of knew that going in. Learned early in life that if you show people how you feel then they will use it to hurt you.

SURE GLAD I found you girls here. I have never felt so weclome as me. Each of you have become special to me in away that I had only dreamed of. It's so nice to have gurl friends. XOXOXOX