becoming a man

[helenr]

I was reading something in our local paper and reference to a teenage boy -about to become a man- and it fostered an unpleasant image-for me and probably for others. How stressful it is to reach age 17-18 and not truly want to become more masculine, like proceeding down the wrong highway with no exits available.How has that been for others?

[Lisa Golightly]

Self-harm... alcohol abuse... thoughts of suicide... not being able to truly love anyone of my girlfriends... often despising those who tried to love me for simply wanting to be with me... avoiding friendship... constantly running away... unwilling and often unable to perform sexually... feeling nauseous when intimate... constant feeling of sadness... of being totally alone amongst crowds... willing Death to play a game of chess.

My life wasn't a life till one year and eleven months ago... It was a living death.

[Linda Z]

I was reading something in our local paper and reference to a teenage boy -about to become a man- and it fostered an unpleasant image-for me and probably for others. How stressful it is to reach age 17-18 and not truly want to become more masculine, like proceeding down the wrong highway with no exits available.How has that been for others?

you said it well,
i would only add that I felt that i was in a car that had no steering wheel and the gas petel was welded to the floor.
The end of the road was a place I could not live in.

It was hell, till a little E gave me some control.


Linda Z

[Anna the Dub]

Self-harm... alcohol abuse... thoughts of suicide... not being able to truly love anyone of my girlfriends... often despising those who tried to love me for simply wanting to be with me... avoiding friendship... constantly running away... unwilling and often unable to perform sexually... feeling nauseous when intimate... constant feeling of sadness... of being totally alone amongst crowds... willing Death to play a game of chess.

What she said.

[TxKimberly]

Self-harm... alcohol abuse... thoughts of suicide... not being able to truly love anyone of my girlfriends... often despising those who tried to love me for simply wanting to be with me... avoiding friendship... constantly running away... unwilling and often unable to perform sexually... feeling nauseous when intimate... constant feeling of sadness... of being totally alone amongst crowds... willing Death to play a game of chess.

My life wasn't a life till one year and eleven months ago... It was a living death.

Creepy . . . the vast majority of what lisa wrote could have come from me . . .

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lisa

Please get out of my mind!!!!! LOL...

One thing that really impacted me is that I "accepted" my maleness...so I was able to repress thoughts quite well and all the self destructive behaviour seemed like normal guy stuff, and was accepted and applauded as a guy..i was very good at sports and that success gave me even better "guy cred"...of course i suffered too and kept that all to myself and figured i always would...the one thing that made me different was my lack of interest in hitting on girls and hooking up...this caused me no end of anxiety
how sad

[SirTrey]

Creepy . . . the vast majority of what lisa wrote could have come from me . . .

And from ME....only I had the exact same thing about becoming a woman....I guess trans is trans, whether it's MtF or FtM....Same awkward feeling of just being "wrong"....What amazes Me is when I sit down and talk to an MtF (and I have many MtF friends) because everything that many of you long for so much, I have, but do not want at any level....and vice versa....It's that brain/body disconnect, regardless of the direction it takes....I really wish we connected more as a "trans family" because we really ARE two sides of the same coin. Just different sides. Believe Me, if it were possible, I would be willing to give any one of you the horrid things on My chest (which I hope to have removed by this fall), I would in a heartbeat. Then I wouldn't have to go through summer wearing a miserable, hot binder to crush them down (which I certainly HAVE to do because I have been on T for over a year and have significant facial hair and am masculinized other than the chest)....Sadly, My dream is to just be able to wake up in the morning, throw on a t-shirt and just live My life....while some of you are taking hormones to try to GROW some....Isn't life ironic? :hugs:

[Lisa Golightly]

I really wish we connected more as a "trans family" because we really ARE two sides of the same coin. Just different sides.

I don't think it's any secret that I've had deep feelings for two trans-guys... and as far as I'm concerned you're all lovely men... and as for connecting as a family... well... You've always been family to me. :)

[SirTrey]

I don't think it's any secret that I've had deep feelings for two trans-guys... and as far as I'm concerned you're all lovely men... and as for connecting as a family... well... You've always been family to me. :)

Awwwwwwwwww.....You're a sweetheart......:hugs:

[Karen564]

Self-harm... alcohol abuse... thoughts of suicide... not being able to truly love anyone of my girlfriends... often despising those who tried to love me for simply wanting to be with me... avoiding friendship... constantly running away... unwilling and often unable to perform sexually... feeling nauseous when intimate... constant feeling of sadness... of being totally alone amongst crowds... willing Death to play a game of chess.



I couldn't of said it better.. Definitively self-destructive behaviour...All in all, during my teenage years, I was constantly putting myself in harms way, just taunting death every chance I had, but always came out of it alive for some reason..Like just knocking at heavens door, but the door never opened to let me in..after a while, I figured that a greater force must have something in store for me, but I just didn't know when..

[Shikyo]

I don't think I would have survived that age if I would not have been able to go to Japan. The year I spend in Japan gave me a big distraction of whatever was going on with my body it allowed me to "ignore" the changes. Before that I was not really looking for ways to look more masculine or anything. Unlike all the other guys I was not looking forward to have beard and all the other crap that comes along it.

I guess self-harm was the main course of action to the feeling of turning into something I did not want to become. My annoying step-mother did not make anything easier.

[Anna the Dub]

I tried to embrace the 'maleness' too. Up until the age of 9 I showed absolutely no interest whatsoever in doing any typical male activities. Didn't like sports, didn't do rough and tumble, etc. I was considered a bit of an odd child. For some reason, and I do not remember exactly what my thought processes at the time were, I 'decided' to get interested in football. It was a conscious decision, but it was along the lines of 'I must show an interest in boy things' not because I was particularly interested in football. At age 9! So, I did. And through my teenage years I became a fanatical football fan. Sometimes I almost convinced myself that there wasn't a problem. Sometimes...

[Diane24]

Being your average teen boy "dolt" I didn't manage to figure out what was going on in my head as I went to college classes in gal's clothing. My therapist gave me the great awakening during her first talk with me! I know that a lot of you gals here prolly knew from your diaper age that you had more plumbing than you needed. I was one of the crazy kids in school who never seemed to have a clue about who I was or where I was going or where the heck my homework was!
It really is too bad that everyone couldn't be like that and not have to suffer the angst and pain that I hear about so often. There really should be a magic wand or pill or potion that would instantly solve a gender crisis. I won't feel bad or blame anyone who flames me for this attitude or lack of whatever I should have... I really do feel compassion for those who are going through Hell! It's not fair! I really want to hug you tight and help make things better!
Love,
Diane

[helenr]

thanks for the thoughtful input. It is hard to remember details, but while I adored girls, for me it was the fetish element-their sheer nylons, lacy slips,etc. I cared for them very much, but there was always this distracting component. I am sorry that some went through such stress-watching, experiencing body changes that felt incorrect for what the mind and heart dictated. For me there was the worry that if I showed too much of my feminine side, women would reject me-not wish to have a 'lesbian like' relationship-as we are all so programmed from a young age on to mate with the opposite gender. I appreciate the input from our friend in the trans masculine community who despise body parts that we hunger for. life is indeed ironic. I wonder why our brains are miswired? It can't just be due to wearing a dress for a costume party or stuff like that-much too deeply ingrained. hugs to all of you, helenr

[Seamus_Jameson]

The actually changes of puberty didn't bother me. If anything, I got excited to be menstruating and growing breasts. That happened at nine. Seven years later, I figured out that I was going to become a woman. :(

It is indeed ironic. Like, could you see the classified ad: "Attractive female body, 20yrs, 5'2", blue eyes, brown hair. Slight medical complications. Will traded for male model, reasonable health." Don't we all wish. . .

[MJ]

Self-harm... alcohol abuse... thoughts of suicide... not being able to truly love anyone of my girlfriends... often despising those who tried to love me for simply wanting to be with me... avoiding friendship... constantly running away... unwilling and often unable to perform sexually... feeling nauseous when intimate... constant feeling of sadness... of being totally alone amongst crowds... willing Death to play a game of chess.

My life wasn't a life till one year and eleven months ago... It was a living death.

wow welcome to my world now

[JennyTG24]

I totally agree with lisa, except for that i turned to drug abuse too, anything to supress the thoughts running through my mind...

[Gizmo, Debbie]

Self-harm... alcohol abuse... thoughts of suicide... not being able to truly love anyone of my girlfriends... often despising those who tried to love me for simply wanting to be with me... avoiding friendship... constantly running away... unwilling and often unable to perform sexually... feeling nauseous when intimate... constant feeling of sadness... of being totally alone amongst crowds... willing Death to play a game of chess.



I couldn't of said it better.. Definitively self-destructive behaviour...All in all, during my teenage years, I was constantly putting myself in harms way, just taunting death every chance I had, but always came out of it alive for some reason..Like just knocking at heavens door, but the door never opened to let me in..after a while, I figured that a greater force must have something in store for me, but I just didn't know when..

Things are getting strange and i'm starting to worry this could be a case for Mulder&Scully(anybody remember that song?)...
Have you two been reading my mind? That is so similar to my thoughts it is seriously spooky.
I still cry myself to sleep some nights asking "why me?" but nobody ever answers.

[Karen564]

Things are getting strange and i'm starting to worry this could be a case for Mulder&Scully(anybody remember that song?)...
Have you two been reading my mind? That is so similar to my thoughts it is seriously spooky.
I still cry myself to sleep some nights asking "why me?" but nobody ever answers.

I think anyone that suffers from this goes though many of the same things trying to cope with it, & since I knew something was very wrong with me by the age of six, I had stopped crying myself to sleep just before I became a teenager because I never got an answer either, so after that, I went onto a self-destruct mission..trying desperately to rid myself of my thoughts of needing to be girl and try harder to be a man, but no matter what I did, I never did escape the anguish knowing what I Really Was inside my head and just didn't know how to make it right back then.. So on the outside, it appeared all was well with this manly man image I created, but in reality, I was living in hell & turmoil, just slowly eating away at me piece by piece on the inside every single day..

[Sammy777]

Self-harm... alcohol abuse... thoughts of suicide... not being able to truly love anyone of my girlfriends... often despising those who tried to love me for simply wanting to be with me... avoiding friendship... constantly running away... unwilling and often unable to perform sexually... feeling nauseous when intimate... constant feeling of sadness... of being totally alone amongst crowds... willing Death to play a game of chess.

My life wasn't a life till one year and eleven months ago... It was a living death.

While I have not experienced all of the things Lisa has, it is clear that a lot of us can find more then a few things from that list that fit us.

I think pretty much everything that needed to be said has always said here by Lisa. Thank you

[Lisa Golightly]

I think pretty much everything that needed to be said has always said here by Lisa. Thank you

You make me sound as though I should be sat on a mountainside somewhere speaking to upturned faces... :) *ouch* who threw that stone? :heehee:

I've just never been afraid to be honest and say... 'God I'm a mess!!!' (or in this case 'was a mess')... It's the only way I make progress...

Lisa x

[Sammy777]

You make me sound as though I should be sat on a mountainside somewhere speaking to upturned faces... :) *ouch* who threw that stone? :heehee:

I've just never been afraid to be honest and say... 'God I'm a mess!!!' (or in this case 'was a mess')... It's the only way I make progress...
Lisa x

Sorry for my grammer screwup in that last part of my post Lisa. I and I'm guessing a lot of others in here really do appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your thoughts and feelings with us.



"I think pretty much everything that needed to be said has [-]always[/-] already been said here by Lisa. Thank you " Meaning there was nothing more I felt I could write that would add to the discussion.

Sorry about that Lisa

[Lisa Golightly]

Hey that's ok babes... Was nice to be a guru for a few minutes... lol :)

*hug*

Lisa x

[Anna the Dub]

I find it quite telling that nearly all of our stories, MtF and FtM, are very, very similar.

[4serrus]

The actually changes of puberty didn't bother me. If anything, I got excited to be menstruating and growing breasts. That happened at nine. Seven years later, I figured out that I was going to become a woman. :(


I had the same thing happen. I think my minor competitive nature got the best of me. I had a bigger chest than all the other girls, and that made me feel good. I tried to be good at femininity, just to show other people up. Eventually I realized I wasn't playing quite the same game as everybody else, and that if I wanted to win I would have to be unhappy for my whole life.

[LisaM]

I just want to join the chorus---"Been there, Done that" just like everyone else and still searching for answers.

[Anna the Dub]

Eventually I realized I wasn't playing quite the same game as everybody else, and that if I wanted to win I would have to be unhappy for my whole life.

This is my life in a nutshell.

[noeleena]

Hi.... Whats a boy . whats a girl . no difference ... plumbimg. oh that
still no difference ... not till about 13 . & even then . no real idear. 16 . oh no ... got told . oh so thats what thats for . huh.....
I just thought boys & girls were the same .. a bit dumb. i spos .yet knew i was different .. just waited 50 years to really know .. did.nt do the hard rope most of you.s did .. mind closed down . so much for the boy side not the macho type more soft.e . yet could still pack a puch when needed. the mans world was not me . fighting against kicking . no word.s . just no ...knowing you needed to be like the girls . age 50 all out . I am a woman .. so live it . i am .. 11 years . why the wait ... was not ready ...to late now the boys world is behind .. well most of it .
What some of you went through ..WOW... may be not ... just a hell .
..noeleena...