Resentment of your SO

[AKAMichelle]

Does anyone else feel the way I do? Before you can answer that question, you must have a little background. So here it is:

For the past year during my separation, I went out dressed 1-2 times per week. I dressed pretty much whenever I wanted to. When my wife and I got back together I had to pack Michelle up and put her away. Currently Michelle resides in a public storage facility to prevent my wife from doing anything to the clothes or using them against me should the marriage go ahead and fail.

So here is the question. If you have gone back or have been in the closet for a long time, do you feel resentful of your wife when:
1) She puts on lip stick
2) She buys a new outfit
3) She shaves her legs / underarms
4) Anything else feminine

I was riding in the car today with her and she put on lipstick and it got me a little piffed. I didn't expect that reaction. So I was wondering if anyone else has this same feeling.

[Midnight Skye]

I don't resent her, but I do get envious and sometimes depressed. I have permission to do most of those things now though... nail polish is still a no no though and I've been very envious of her red toes lately. Problem is my nails are much better than hers My nails are... lovely. They are my most feminine feature when I flaunt them. They stay in perfect health all the time... and because of this my SO resents me for my lady like nails. I think once I get her nails in good health she'll be more keen on letting me paint my toes.

[jennCD]

There's no resentment really. It was my decision to stop all references to this part of me within the context of our relationship. In fact, the last time she posed a question regarding aspects of my transgender-ness, I stopped her and told her it was no longer something we can speak of anymore since it became a major stumbling block in our marriage last summer.

I've chosen to symbolically 'pack up Jenn' to avoid any discomfort my wife would eventually come up against so there's no need to bring it up at home anymore. When it's not in her face, she can more easily believe it does not exist... but I don't resent her for being a woman any more than I resent myself for being a man... that's just how it works for me.

:)
jenn

[KimberlyJo]

you can't resent an apple for being an apple can you? Or...can...you....

maybe it's just a reaction to the longing you feel to do the same feminine things she so freely does and not necessarily her so much. I mean unless she's knowingly flaunting it in your face. I don't think it would be a good thing to carry on any resentment towards her, that's not healthy and nothing good will come of it.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I was riding in the car today with her and she put on lipstick and it got me a little piffed. I didn't expect that reaction. So I was wondering if anyone else has this same feeling.

I imagine that if I had to put Gabrielle away in order to be with my wife, then yes - I would get very resentful.

In my case, I could not live my life as half a man (without my femme side) in order to save my marriage. As much as breaking up hurts - both emotionally and financially, I would do what I had to do in order to remain intact and be myself. The pain of a breakup can be devastating, but is temporary. The pain of not being able to be myself is very long term.

It is because I'd resent my wife heavily for not being able to be myself that I know I could not remain with her if things went that way. I cannot be in love with a woman who does not love and accept me for who I am. It is also not fair to try and hold on to a woman who does not want to be with a crossdresser, and I'd feel the need to let her find a man more suitable to her as well.

That's just me though. These are thoughts that are often on my mind as I constantly monitor and evaluate my marriage and relationship with my wife. Today things are working well. In the future, that may change.

Believe it or not, this is a discussion I have with my wife from time to time. Just yesterday during dinner, we had a discussion on "what if we ever grew apart and got divorced". I think it is important to keep the lines of communication open and discuss matters such as this. It helps us both look at how we might feel and treat each other should this become a reality.

We spoke in the context of how civil we thought we could be during the process and whether or not we could ever remain friends on some level after. She jokingly brought up that she'd tell the judge about my crossdressing. I not so jokingly brought up that it would not embarrass me to do so, and I'd lay it all out on the table. In my case, I have a psychiatrist who has given me a clean bill of mental health. If documentation was required stating that fact, and that my crossdressing is not some "deviant behavior", I'm sure I could obtain what is necessary from my doctor indicating just that, and thus have my crossdressing removed as a personal defect or grounds for the divorce as being "my fault" or whatever. I may be at fault for being "too into myself" or not sensitive enough or something, but my crossdressing itself would not become a sticky matter - I would not allow it.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Michelle. Good luck working through it.

[RachelDenise]

Resentful may be too strong of a word for me. How about unfulfilled? There is an important part of me (Rachel) that isn't involved in our life. I want so much to share this side of me with my SO but it is a don't go there zone. In some ways I have lost that connection that 2 people can have and used to have. I know that it is my interpretation, but by rejecting Rachel, she is missing out on part of the whole me.

[BarbiB]

Resentful may be too strong of a word for me. How about unfulfilled?

Envious is a word that comes to mind if jealous is too strong.

I envy my wifes breasts. But I do not resent her for having them.

[Deborah Jane]

Why would i resent my SO for doing the things that are completely natural for her?

By the same token why should my SO resent me for doing the things i find completely natural for me?

If there was any resentment from either of us for doing these things, surely we would both be in an unsuitable relationship with each other!!

Just my :2c:

[TJ Tresa]

I don't get pissed or irritated, but I'm almost always envious when I see her, or even another woman doing that which only women do, what they wear. Things I know they take for granted because they have never lived the side of life that doesn't do it. If your wife would go a year without shaving her legs or underarms she would get a sensation when she went back to shaving them that would blow her mind. Oh well we all know that ain't going to happen. LOL

[TGMarla]

No.

And it's no wonder that your marriage has been failing. You are going into it (again) with all the wrong attitudes. If you are storing your feminine items for fear that she will "use them against" you, if you already harbor resentments towards her simply because she does everyday things that all women normally do, then you are destined to fail in your second attempt to make a marriage work with her.

If you want to shave your legs and put on lipstick, if you want to openly dress and be a woman in public, then you had better put your cards on the table before you enter into this whole thing with her again, or your resentments are going to make you miserable, and that misery will poison your relationship with her.

Yo! Attitude adjustment time! Or wake-up time. Your choice.

[Miranda09]

No.

And it's no wonder that your marriage has been failing. You are going into it (again) with all the wrong attitudes. If you are storing your feminine items for fear that she will "use them against" you, if you already harbor resentments towards her simply because she does everyday things that all women normally do, then you are destined to fail in your second attempt to make a marriage work with her.

If you want to shave your legs and put on lipstick, if you want to openly dress and be a woman in public, then you had better put your cards on the table before you enter into this whole thing with her again, or your resentments are going to make you miserable, and that misery will poison your relationship with her.

Yo! Attitude adjustment time! Or wake-up time. Your choice.

My thoughts as well!! :iagree:

[AKAMichelle]

The reason I feel resentful is that Michelle is locked up. That more than anything is the problem I having right now. Even though I agreed to it for awhile it does tick me off when I see her doing things that I use to do.

[JiffyJ]

There's no resentment really. It was my decision to stop all references to this part of me within the context of our relationship. In fact, the last time she posed a question regarding aspects of my transgender-ness, I stopped her and told her it was no longer something we can speak of anymore since it became a major stumbling block in our marriage last summer.

I've chosen to symbolically 'pack up Jenn' to avoid any discomfort my wife would eventually come up against so there's no need to bring it up at home anymore. When it's not in her face, she can more easily believe it does not exist... but I don't resent her for being a woman any more than I resent myself for being a man... that's just how it works for me.

:)
jenn


I identify with this post strongly, as it is pretty much where I am with my wife.
As much as I wish I could freely crossdress at home, it is unlikely to happen and I have had to take stock of what's most important to me.



No.

And it's no wonder that your marriage has been failing. You are going into it (again) with all the wrong attitudes. If you are storing your feminine items for fear that she will "use them against" you, if you already harbor resentments towards her simply because she does everyday things that all women normally do, then you are destined to fail in your second attempt to make a marriage work with her.

If you want to shave your legs and put on lipstick, if you want to openly dress and be a woman in public, then you had better put your cards on the table before you enter into this whole thing with her again, or your resentments are going to make you miserable, and that misery will poison your relationship with her.

Yo! Attitude adjustment time! Or wake-up time. Your choice.

Very good comments.
When I came out to my wife 18 months ago, one of the things she was afraid of was that I would resent her for not 'allowing' me to dress.
How can I? I mean really?
I hid it for years, and in all honesty never really expected her to be accepting. I can't hold that against her, I love her.
It doesn't mean I don't get intensely frustrated and down from time to time, but I can't resent her for that.
Perspective on what you need and what you want seems to be the first thing you need.

[Jenny Brown]

The reason I feel resentful is that Michelle is locked up. That more than anything is the problem I having right now. Even though I agreed to it for awhile it does tick me off when I see her doing things that I use to do.
I suggest finding some way to deal with these feelings or I see you headed for divorce court.:doh:

[Trip_rockcity]

I wouldnt say recentful.. more envy..

[Holly]

You're resentful of your wife because Michelle is locked up... an action that YOU agreed to do? If you're going to be resentful about anything, resent the fact that you chose not to face the real issues facing you and instead sweep them under the carpet.

[Shauna marie]

Yes there is some resentment since she doesn't like my dressing. So when she does feminine things like hair and make up I really wish I could do it with her.

[LisaM]

I understand how you feel but I do not feel that way. I get depressed but never resentful.

[Dressing Jill]

Well maybe you should Cowgirl UP and give her a big ole kiss and get some of that lib stick on your libs.

[Melissa A.]

If resentment comes from anywhere, it's probably rooted in the fact that you can't be who you are, totally. That's huge. Whether or not it's self-imposed or not is irrelevant in the end. The fact that you agreed to it just makes it more ironic. Compromise is one thing. Prohibition is quite another. I've always said that if an SO really cares about your well being, and not just hers, she will try to find answers that do more than just make it go away.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Angel.Marie76]

I might say resentful based on my situation - I am allowed to dress, and am supported by my SO in the process, however there are days that are 'Man-time' days that and an all intentional reference to anything feminine are taboo.

The problem I run into is a Catch22 on at least one of those two days: On one day of the weekend (Saturday as-is) I am not to dress (if I choose to willfully follow this schedule). During this day though, the SO, my son and I may, perhaps, end up shopping at a mall or whatever. This is painful. I see her looking at clothes, jewelry, whatever, you name it, and have her look to me and ask such things as: Doesn't this look pretty? Doesn't this smell nice?' and on and on.. I know she sees the hurt in my eyes when I have to stand there and just take it, and I try to just suck it up and smile through it.. but it does bug me. Yes, her and I go on 'traditional' dates out where we agree, for the night, as to who is 'the man' and 'the woman', and for those nights its not so bad.. but just this past weekend, when we went to the beach, it was a Saturday, and all I wanted to do is throw on a pair of shorts, sandals, a sarong, etc.. and wander up and down the boardwalk and look at all the pretties.. and at one point she just told me flat - I don't like looking in stores with you on the weekend anymore because of the schedule..

..but yet she wants man-time. Obviously, if this cannot be resolved soon I might say that I'm in for some rough waters ahead. The purpose of mentioning it is, that, if you cannot come to a balance with your SO about your dressing, the distaste with the situation may consume you in the end.

[erica12b]

back when i was married , i would dig up the money so my ex could have here nails done , it was envy , ho how i wish it was me, i did a lot of shopping for here and would buy her dresses that i liked , she would like them and even would where them some times but they where not her pick so not very often, then when things when down hill i stoped buying the fem things and just after the divorce had too or three scares when trying to find fem stuff for myself (small town , why are you looking at dresses , didn't you just get divorced?)

so envy would be my word , not resentment

resentment that i cant , but envy's she can

[Melissa A.]

why are you looking at dresses , didn't you just get divorced?)

Do people actually DO that???? Even in small towns???? Wow. How rude. How nosy. Guess the proverbial image of the friendly small town applies only if you follow the rules.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[erica12b]

everything gets around, lucky for me i have a sister , i used the "its for her", then later ( a week or two) i was asked by my aunt when i was giving it to my sis , it was not her b-day yet, so sis got a new dress "out of the blue"( cuz im a nice brother) and i cant shop for myself, being well know by family and friends , somebody knows somebody and they do talk

[JulieC]

The reason I feel resentful is that Michelle is locked up. That more than anything is the problem I having right now. Even though I agreed to it for awhile it does tick me off when I see her doing things that I use to do.

Bingo. You just hit the nail yourself.

You're source of resentment isn't your wife putting on lipstick. It's Michelle being locked up.

Michelle can not be locked up forever and you obtain a level of happiness in the relationship. In your shoes, I'd eventually (perhaps not now) express that to my wife. If I wanted the relationship to be a happy one, it would have to be one where my crossdressing was permitted on some level, even if she doesn't see, and it's don't ask, don't tell. It can't be locked up forever.

Yesterday, my wife wore a dress, heels and hose. It was casual attire, just out and about shopping but she likes to wear dresses and heels. I was jealous. I wanted to be dressed similar to her, but could not be. It saddened me a bit, but the fault is not hers. As soon as we got home and the kids were to bed, I dressed up. It was the best I could do.

In your situation, the best you can do is support your relationship and make some sacrifices for now. Keep working at it. You can't throw everything on the fire all at once, or it will explode.

[Melanie R]

The reason I feel resentful is that Michelle is locked up. That more than anything is the problem I having right now. Even though I agreed to it for awhile it does tick me off when I see her doing things that I use to do.

Why do you allow Michelle to be locked up? Why would you agree to remain in the closet because your wife asked? You are asking for a miserable life ahead.

[Lorileah]

Free Michelle! The thing about banging your head against the wall is it feels so good when you stop. From what you have said in the last few threads you started it seems strange that you still want to go through this. If every time she does something you get annoyed, you are just shortening your life. And that won't be good.

Not knowing what is holding you two together, it must be something really strong. Children? Money? You state that she can use Michelle's clothes against you. How is that? Are you a minister who would look foolish after preaching the sin of crossdressing? Go on the offensive here. Things brought into the light cannot harm you.

My advice is get out now. Cut your losses. She is making you miserable and life is too short as it is to have someone make you feel bad all the time.

[Jessica Who]

I don't resent her as I am an admirer of femininity and I love when she does these things. She is also pretty good about teaching me how to do certain things like makeup, etc.

[Kolokea GG]

The reason I feel resentful is that Michelle is locked up. That more than anything is the problem I having right now. Even though I agreed to it for awhile it does tick me off when I see her doing things that I use to do.


Since you agreed to it....What right do you have to be resentful? IMO none. The way I see it is...you agreed to put Michelle aside to work on things in your marriage..I would asume....Start focusing what needs to be repaired and get things rolling..so that Michelle can venture out soon.

[carolinoakland]

my ex stopped wearing lingere when we were together because she felt that I WOULD be Jealous, and I was, but not for the reasons she thought. Carol.

[TxKimberly]

No.

And it's no wonder that your marriage has been failing. You are going into it (again) with all the wrong attitudes. If you are storing your feminine items for fear that she will "use them against" you, if you already harbor resentments towards her simply because she does everyday things that all women normally do, then you are destined to fail in your second attempt to make a marriage work with her.

If you want to shave your legs and put on lipstick, if you want to openly dress and be a woman in public, then you had better put your cards on the table before you enter into this whole thing with her again, or your resentments are going to make you miserable, and that misery will poison your relationship with her.

Yo! Attitude adjustment time! Or wake-up time. Your choice.

Couldn't have said it any gooder than that my darn self!

[AKAMichelle]

Not knowing what is holding you two together, it must be something really strong. Children? Money? You state that she can use Michelle's clothes against you. How is that? Are you a minister who would look foolish after preaching the sin of crossdressing? Go on the offensive here. Things brought into the light cannot harm you.

My advice is get out now. Cut your losses. She is making you miserable and life is too short as it is to have someone make you feel bad all the time.

There are some very good reasons to try this. In my eyes this is the last stand. Basically if something doesn't work out soon about many of our issues then it will be the end. I have no intention of keeping Michelle locked up past this summer. Part of the other issues is that there are many things I like doing in boy mode which causes problems in our marriage. I want to hike to the top of Pikes Peak this summer and maybe even Mt Evans. I also plan on going on a Harley trip later this summer over to Utah. If everything I do continues to meet with complaining, then it will be very clear that the gig is up. Life is too short to stick around any longer. My finances will be drastically changing in September so there will be additional opportunities.

In September I am planning on a road trip of sorts. It will be the line in the sand time. I will be taking my wife or going my own way by then. This road trip has to do with my business contract going through. If I go alone, it sounds like a trip for Michelle.

Resentment is just the one thing which I didn't expect when I made this decision. That was the main reason for the post.

[shesadvl]

The reason I feel resentful is that Michelle is locked up. That more than anything is the problem I having right now. Even though I agreed to it for awhile it does tick me off when I see her doing things that I use to do.

michelle...

I wasnt going to comment in here... but just from me You have agreed to try and work your marriage out with your wife... (just trying to get my head around it), I guess your wife wasnt an accepting SO ..or was she.... because of where you have Locked up Michelles clothes, the fact that you have been apart for a year and you get piffed when you see your wife putting on lippy etc.....
A thought run through my mind from a womans point.... after a year, does she want more out of you.....????? that she is resentful of Michelle...???( I do think both sides of the coin):battingeyelashes: having been there but not from a CD'ers point of view.

Even though you say that you agreed to keep Michelle out of the relationship, why give up part of who you are to apease her...??
Dont we in all relationships walk together down the same street....???

Quote: Originally Posted by TGMarla
No.

And it's no wonder that your marriage has been failing. You are going into it (again) with all the wrong attitudes. If you are storing your feminine items for fear that she will "use them against" you, if you already harbor resentments towards her simply because she does everyday things that all women normally do, then you are destined to fail in your second attempt to make a marriage work with her.

If you want to shave your legs and put on lipstick, if you want to openly dress and be a woman in public, then you had better put your cards on the table before you enter into this whole thing with her again, or your resentments are going to make you miserable, and that misery will poison your relationship with her.

Yo! Attitude adjustment time! Or wake-up time. Your choice.

I also see that you are going to be doing this and that,... and if she complains thats the end...
like TG marla says... time for an 'ATTITUDE' adjustment or wake up... when I first read your post I thought ... oh yeh perhaps your wife is looking for a reason for a divorce... ie ... crossdressing... I dont think its the cross dressing at all...
But then you also state that.... "My finances will be drastically changing in September so there will be additional opportunities." could this also be the reason?????


Its you,.. "YOU" whom you are thinking about... NOT "both" of you....even though you say about taking her with you.......perhaps you need dialogue with her...to find out...a load of things,...not complain.... but yes keep Michelle out of it... and quit being piffd.... because she puts lipstick on in front of you... shes doing that I would assume to make you squirm,... YOU are.... so get on and think about where you both are going... is this marriage/relationship going to be forever, work it out ..... or is it going to be,...
my way or the highway...?????:battingeyelashes:

As Marla mentioned in her post about ..."Misery" its optional

btw no harm in keeping alippy in your own pocket for when shes not around yanno laffing ;) ya wont get so piffd then hey....
My partner does that even if hes not dressed... makes me laugh ...no reason why you cant....;)

just my )thoughts[/S]

[Rachel Morley]

I don't resent anything regarding my wife ... but ... if I wasn't an "out" CDer I think I'd be forever jealous about almost everything as I would be absolutely dying inside not being able to show or express my love of feminine things, on the outside.

People have posted things I would agree with. IMHO you simply have to address this issue with her because I can't really see how you can ever be completely happy with your life if you don't. :sad: