A fine mess you've gotten yourself into this time

[RWillow]

A fine mess.

[LisaM]

Renyta,

My thoughts are with you. I know exactly how you feel. I have been there and we have survived. Continue to show her your love.

[RylieCD]

Very good post Renyta,

I feel the same way. However we have only been married for 3.5 yrs, there was internet but I was still uneducated. I thought it would goaway. Like you said - I love my wife dearly, never wanted to burden her with this. and since I thought it would go away.

Would have I had gotten married if I thought this would be part of me? Probably not, at least we would have talked before marrige. I hid it after the urges came back and were so intense that I gave in, after she found out and we had a talk - a talk that doesnt end - I finally found this site and a doctor to help me accept me for who I am, Another proccess that takes awhile. This also helps open up the communication with my wife.

[anna kate]

My wife is not really supportive, but she is tollerant. She has met Anna, but will not go anywhere with her. So, I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. So long as I abide by the agreed upon boundaries, all is well. If she left, I would be devistated, I will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together. As for the GGs on this forum, I cannot say enough in thier favor. They chose to stay, out of love and caring. Asking that they risk all because of somebody elses beliefs or feelings, goes well above the call of volunteerism! Family first! Panhead, you and I are in the same ball game, Maybe it's our age group. Keep thinking, sooner or later it's got to help someone...

[LindaMarie]

Renyta,

I am so sorry to hear about the difficult times you and your wife are going through.

I hope that whatever happens, both you and she know that your life together has not been one big lie. You could not have had 47 years together without knowing each other very well.

At this time, I'm sure she's feeling betrayed, frightened and thinking that she doesn't know you at all. I hope she comes to see that although you felt you had to hide an important part of yourself, you were still there for her as much as you could be for all those years. I hope she also realizes that despite your revelation, you are still the same person she has lived with and loved for 47 years.

My best wishes to both of you.

[mklinden2010]

What you've done is be in a pretty good relationship for 47 years.

And, you've done all that without bugging anyone about some private issues that you realized everyone would be better off if you just didn't make a big deal out of them.

Times change, things change. You decided it was time to talk to her about it and, surprise, she did not shoot you dead!

So, think about that 47 years and think about how much time, in total hours, days, weeks, or, months that you've crossdressed. And, think about how having that activity might have been helpful in those 47 years.

You haven't been living a lie, and neither has she. You have been and are living your lives.

Carry on.

[sissystephanie]

Renyta, the lack of internet in 1962 was no reason not to tell your wife you were a crossdresser! You knew you were and kept it secret! Truly loving spouses don't have secrets like that from each other! You and she both know now that your marriage has been a big lie!

But that is the past. Now she knows, and it is up to you to prove to her that what you wear makes absolutely no difference in your relationship. Remind her as often as you can, in every way you can, that you are her man!! If you can, get her to give you some guidelines, as to when and where you can dress and maybe what you can wear. That will tough, I know! But if she will do that, she will know that she still has some control. Right now she probably is in shock, she thought she married a Man and now finds out he wants to dress like a female! What next, surgery? Reassure her that you are her man..

Contrary to what a lot people on this forum think, you can stop!! IF YOU REALLY WANT TO!!!! That is the key point, you have to want to stop!! So if she asks to stop to save the marriage, you have to make the decision. Which is more important, crossdressing or your wife?

In my own case, I told my fiance before we were married and she was fully supportive. For reasons I will not go into, I stopped completely for 5 years. Only started dressing again because my darling late wife asked me to! She missed Stephanie!!:)

The main point here is communication. You may be surprised at her responses! Good Luck!:hugs::hugs:

[RobertaM]

It sounds as thou you have a very good perspective onthe situation. Your post lays out the roadmap very well. Hey, i have the guilt complex still every time i dress at home or if i go out. (and im fully out to my wife) I can totally relate to the baggage you feel that you have dumped onto your SO.
You made the call to do it. good for you. Now you have to pick up pieces and move forward, and im sure you can.

[Annie D]

Perhaps you have created a fine mess, but you have confessed something about yourself that will never ever change. You are right in the thought that you should continue to love and support her and her feelings. Hopefully, some day she will come to the realization that your dressing is just an extension of who you are and that you are still the same person who she fell in love with. Given time, she will come to respect you again and her love will grow knowing that you are still a good person.

I may be looking at things from only a crossdresser's side but when we share one of our innermost secrets, it comes as an act of trust which is a part of your love of that other person.

[Sheila]

My wife is talking to me and trying to make the best of this, and I am trying my best not to rock her world any more that I already have. I am so thankful for the fact that she is still here.Hugs Renyta


hun the fact that she and you are talking is a good sign, take heart. I don't know how long it is since you told her, but give it time it may all come good in the end :hugs:

[patricia 402]

:battingeyelashes:that was very moving it must be incredably hard all of my exes knew up front but things stil ended the same way just do the best you can and love her and support her as much as possable because being totaly alone is not all its cracked up to be we all need someone good luck my heart is with you
your sister patricia

[MsJanessa]

Hon, if you have been married 47 years I doubt that she is going to leave you if all there is is the crossdressing(and not SRS or sex outside the marraige) Eventually I'm sure she will adjust---my advice is don't push anything, particularly the CDing right now and see what developes.

[TGMarla]

The thought that your whole relationship has been "one big lie" is erroneous. Not true at all. One omission does not negate the whole thing. She may feel that she has been living with someone she really doesn't know, but she is not seeing the situation clearly. The fact that you have a feminine aspect to your personality, that you are transgendered, does not fundmentally change the person she has lived with nigh on these past 47 years one little bit. It only changes her perception, that's all. And when boiled down to gravy, that's what you are dealing with. Nothing more.

Prove to her that these 47 years have not been in vain, prove to her that you are fundamentally the same man she has always known, and perhaps you can strip the blinders off of her, allowing her to expand her perception of you to include this little tidbit you have hidden from her for so long. She may never accept it, but she may learn to live with it. She must still have a large reservoir of love for you inside of her somewhere, that must certaily carry some weight when it comes to making her choices about you.

Hang in there.

[Sally2005]

Its not your fault!

[Satrana]

I should not have burdened anyone with the fact I am TG. Why? what is wrong with being TG? What are you burdening her with? If you mean she has now to deal with her prejudices and transphobia then that is not your fault, those feelings are induced in her by an ignorant, intolerant society.

She has a right to be mad at you for not sharing, but why are you feeling guilty when she is mad at you for sharing?


For those that have a supporting SO, love and cherish them, tell them how much they mean to you, then nominate them for sainthood, they truly are special. You don't need to be a saint to accept another person and not be judgmental. I would hope that is just being a good loving person. My love for my wife is not based on her acceptance of my femininity, that is just a small part of our relationship. To place so much weight on this one issue is to dishonor her as a person and life partner.

Renyta, your wife does need your love, support and patience to absorb this new information but this overwhelming guilt you feel from your internalized transphobia is not a healthy way to proceed. Love her as a whole person not just a mirror on your TG acceptance. TG is only a burden if you believe in the prejudices that surround it.

[Sarah Doepner]

Marla hit it right on the head.


The thought that your whole relationship has been "one big lie" is erroneous. Not true at all. One omission does not negate the whole thing. She may feel that she has been living with someone she really doesn't know, but she is not seeing the situation clearly. The fact that you have a feminine aspect to your personality, that you are transgendered, does not fundmentally change the person she has lived with nigh on these past 47 years one little bit. It only changes her perception, that's all. And when boiled down to gravy, that's what you are dealing with. Nothing more.

Prove to her that these 47 years have not been in vain, prove to her that you are fundamentally the same man she has always known, and perhaps you can strip the blinders off of her, allowing her to expand her perception of you to include this little tidbit you have hidden from her for so long. She may never accept it, but she may learn to live with it. She must still have a large reservoir of love for you inside of her somewhere, that must certaily carry some weight when it comes to making her choices about you.

Hang in there.

Eventually she will have thought about it enough that she may recognize that you withheld this because of your love for her. But with time she may also understand the burden had become too great to bear alone and you are looking for a little help now. Don't give up and be sure to focus on the 99% of your shared life that has been good and open until she is ready to step back in and deal with your CD side.

Best to both of you.

[Lorileah]

Renyta, you know you have my full support in what you are going through.

I know people probably get tired of my quoting songs but honestly here Garth Brook's "the Dance" fits so well.

You say you would not have married. Just think of the 40+ years you would have missed. All the highs and lows you two went through. It must have been worth it, you stuck it out 47 years. You realize that at least half your friends divorced in that time? Some more than once. There is a special bond with you two.

You talk about burdens. We cannot go back and change things, everyone here wishes we could, but you have carried that burden for years. Yes you "dumped" it on her now and you probably dumped way more of the load than you meant to. It would have been so much better to have shared that burden over the years. Even just giving her a small amount to carry to start. Yes it was 1962 and things were different, then there was kids and mortgage and life in general. But you bore that weight, along with other things the whole time. It will break you down. And just when you think I can't take another step, you unload on your loved one. For a brief instant you feel lighter but now she is struggling. So you leave that burden with her and add a new one to your shoulders. Guilt. Oh it was there before but now it gets heavier. What to do? Talking makes these things lighter. They don't go away but the "hot air" talking releases lifts the weight. Soon you both can start down the road again. (OMG I sound like Dr freakin Phil). First lighten the guilt. You are who you are. Trying to be someone else just shortens your life. You are NOT wrong to want to dress, you are not a criminal or pervert. You are just a person who has desires that you have suppressed for years. Don't make this worse than it already is. You have to help her with the load you just gave her. And you cannot carry the extra baggage you have added.

So,talk it out. If we can help, lean on us, some of us have extra shoulders to help carry your weight. :)

"And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but would have to miss the dance." Trust me, the dance was worth it and it is better to learn that now than when you cannot share your feelings with your wife.

[JulieC]

The comment that really got me thinking "My God what have I done?". There is nothing I can do now to change what I told her, and that makes me feel so bad that I hurt her like that. She did not ask for all that extra baggage, she did not ask me to ruin her life after 47 years together. I too say, my God what have I done?

So, it would have been better if...

She found your stash after you died, and spent the rest of her life wondering what the hell it was all about? Whether you'd cheated on her or what in heck this was?
She found your stash before you died and realized you would have spent the rest of your life deceiving her about it had she not discovered it?
Someone else discovered you by accident and informed your wife?


Telling your wife compared to any of these scenarios is a HELL of a lot better. The only reason you're feeling guilt here is because you feel the gamble of never telling her is a good gamble, and you should have taken it.



If I could change anything I would never have married, I would have lived my life alone. I should not have burdened anyone with the fact I am TG.

There are plenty of women out there that love and adore TG spouses. The notion that the only way to be happy and TG is to be alone is flawed.


who am I to do something like that to her?

Her husband. What you did was the least of all evils. You feel bad about inflicting pain, but you really had no choice. Pain would have been inflicted eventually.


Before anyone says I should have told her before we were married, there was no internet in 1962, I had no way to get the information short of talking to a doctor, that would have ended up having me committed.

I can sympathize. I grew up CDing before the Internet. It was very hard on us in that day and age. Isolated, alone, thought we were freaks, etc. Lots of us wish we could go back in time machines. But, you can't fix the past. You can fix the future. What you did was fix the future.


I thought I would change after I was married, and I did for a couple of years, but when it came back it was with a vengence.

All too common. Happens all the time. "If I get married, this will go away". Never works.


How I managed to pull off dressing without getting caught I'll never know, I guess it was just luck.

So you would have preferred to rely on the luck method of not getting caught from now to the end of your life, meanwhile praying your wife passed before you did?

There are people that try that method with birth control. You know what they're called? Parents.



My wife said that our entire life together has just been one big lie, and she is right.

She's only slightly right. Have you been honest with her in everything else? Regardless of how right she is, the fact is you took the proactive step of FIXING it in the best way possible. You should be proud of that, not despondent about it. "Honey, you're right. It was wrong of me to keep it hidden for so long. I'm extremely sorry that I did that. But, I felt it was better that I tell you when I finally had the courage to do so. Would you have rather found my stash of clothes after I died and forever wondered what it all meant?"


I should never have put her through all of this. To be honest I never really had the full picture of who and what I was until I started to research TG, CD & TS on the internet, this group has helped me more than anything.

It helps a lot of people, in many ways. I am very glad that in this day and age, no one has to grow up TG and not have resources if they have access to the Internet.


The only way I can help my wife is to show her every day that I still love her, I will not leave her (if she leaves I can't blame her) and I will honor her request that I do not allow her to EVER see me dressed.

BRAVO! It sounds like she's quite upset, but is not going to leave you. Just love her every day, shower her with it, and make it clear to her just how centrally important she is to you.


I can't ask for her support, mayby some day she will support me, but I can't ask and don't expect it. For those that have a supporting SO, love and cherish them, tell them how much they mean to you, then nominate them for sainthood, they truly are special.

Your wife is truly special too. Even if she was 100% non-supportive (she isn't 100%), she's still be special. She married you, has been with you for 47 years.

Who among us is perfect?



My wife is talking to me and trying to make the best of this, and I am trying my best not to rock her world any more that I already have. I am so thankful for the fact that she is still here.

AMEN!!! Count your blessings, your lucky stars, and go get your wife some beautiful flowers. When was the last time you did that? Don't make excuses. Go do it.


Sorry for the long post, and I promise I will try to stop thinking:)

Hugs
Renyta

If you stop thinking, one or more of us will have to slap you around until you wake up and start thinking again :) We're here. Keep talking!

[Nicki B]

My wife said that our entire life together has just been one big lie, and she is right.


Is she? REALLY?

Or did she just know 95+% of you, and you just hid a small part of yourself that you didn't understand for many years?

Has she, honestly, in 47 years nothing she has hidden from you? I doubt it...

[Sarah...]

Its not your fault!

For sure. And it's not hers either. There is no fault. There are facts to be talked about. Once we get away from "fault" there's a world to explore with our partners.

Sarah...

[Rebecca De]

Hi Renyta,

I am sorry things are so rocky right now. As a wife to Crossdresser, I can see how things can be overwhelming for your wife. However, I think you did the right thing, you are on your way to self discovery and it was best to tell her about you. Don't beat yourself up too much because you were still finding the real you. I think with a lot of patience, time and talking you and wife will be fine. Good Luck!