I do not mean offence but where can I ask?

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Who am I, what am I?
At 51 yrs of age I am so lost, I do not know anymore who I am. I love cross dressing and attempting to act as a female, but fear to venture past the front door. I have ventured to grow my hair long finding excuses to answer the likely questions, I have found courage to pluck my eyebrows waiting for "the question.. why". I shave my legs and have done for a few years, the reason why, listed in my diary as an answer. I shave my arms, hands and feet so I feel more feminine, I love being free wearing a dress, the different looks I achieve through make-up, the accumulating fashion magazines collecting under my coffee table. I fear the front door. I fear my family and their resentment of MY DESIRES. I fear loneliness, yes I am single. Am I a crossdresser, transvestite, pre-op, she male or a guy lost? I simply, secretly adore the feel of applying make-up, I love the feel of nylon against my skin, I love seeing fashionable ideas and so need to apply them to ME. I admire so much a gorgeuous outfit worn by another. So is it wrong? I grew up within a generation of resentment to these desires, I grew up being ridiculed and harrased, I grew up and was educated (schooled) under a system of barstardisation, but after all these years I still come back to the feeling of being so at ease within my feminine self, but still these fears surface. I do not even know if I am Bisexual, gay or straight anymore. Again I feel the need to suppress for fear of resentment. I seeked help from a seahorse group but am lost, no advice, I look to the door and see a wall, what do I do? All I ask is help,.....who am I? Should I walk through this door......way and expose myself as who? Or should I suppress these desires and continue walking into the real world as a false/true identity? I read through these pages seeking answers yet my search continues. I do not know if it is easier for younger people to find answers but to some older people like me, the questions become the bars of our prison and the sentence may just be that of our own existence within ones own mind. For me and maybe others like me, all I currently ask is Who Am I?

[Mr.Snuggles]

I'm kind of in the same boat, although me being 19 it's probably more usual for me to be confused. From what I can tell though, the only person who can truly answer your questions...is you. You are what you make yourself, what you want to do. As for your family problem, they don't have to know every single aspect of your life. I'm still the same person in a dress, as I am in a pair of pants and an American Eagle polo. It's all about finding the person inside, and not worrying about anything else.

I apologize if my post is confusing, I'm not entirely sure what to say in response, but I do want to help. It's hard to explain to someone else how to not be confused when you're confused yourself. I do have to emphasize what I stated earlier though...only YOU can truly answer those questions.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

funny thing Mr Snuggles, you/me is sometimes guided by past experiences and that is what dictates your life at times. A stream of water poured from a glass will find its own way meandering along its journey dictated by what ever popps up ahead. My mind says go out girl and have fun, my heart says find your love and enjoy, my instinct says beware of that which may be lurking. God I want to walk out that front door dressed so amazingly and have fun but (yes that unforgiving requirement of the start of an excuse) says "on the other hand...beware". So should I sit back and accept my desires to be me, or venture forward and be happy to be accepted by others, or should I accept that I venture out past the door, be me and blow what others think and ignore the consequences of my actions? Or stay as I am and wonder what would have been? Thank you for your kind reply and help. So many things pass bye in ones life, so many messages alert, so many do not, it is up to you to find out which ones make sense, but if ones experience is not as broad as anothers, the message that goes unanswered maybe the one message that reveals the needed answer.

[Samantha Kelsey]

Hi Tania,
Firstly I'd like to say that you're no different to half the people on this site. I can only go by my own experiences but I used to feel just like you but gradually (after I retired early) I started to discover who I really was and my direction in life. I'd been a crossdresser for possibly 40 years. Maybe it was the stress of work or family matters that made me feel that way, I don't know.

I saw the same door as you and pondered many times. Suddenly I knew that I should walk through that door, If I didn't then I would never know what was on the other side. Having got passed the door I liked it but it was like walking out into a prison yard, walls everywhere. I got a ladder and decided to look over the first wall but really didn't like what I saw. I thought I would just stay where I was.

After a while I thought I'd look over the next wall even though I knew it would be the same. Nope, it was totally different. I saw a green and pleasant land so I looked over all the walls and found some good , some bad and others just a bit of each.

I decided to drop my ladder over all the walls and have a good wander around each area. I started with the good areas first, I loved it but some times there would be bad things there which would upset me. I trod very carefully through the bad areas and some I just avioded as there was too much danger there.

Now I go through the door whenever I want and I've made gateways through the walls leading to the places I like, on some walls I've painted a red X to remind me not to go there. Sometimes I just want to leave the door closed the choice is mine.

It's funny but without anyone telling me I discovered beyond the door and the walls just who and what I was. I Am ME and Im just another normal person who likes other normal persons.

Sorry it's long and hope it helps you find your way.
x x x x x

.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I just had a peek at ur webpage link thingie and " I am what I am, but unsure as to what I am ?. Damn that is so inspiring, I got tears running down my cheeks, I still do not know .....what I am. Wish there was some place here one could confide in. MAYBE I a should open up a chat to help others in the same predicament

[jennifer easton]

Tania, my god girl get outa my head, you have put in word exactly the way I feel, just couldn't find the way to put the words together, thank you for pouring out this from your heart, I know thats where it comes from, for I to see the door but only find a wall!! Jennifer

[gabe]

After 51 years you are entitled to live life YOUR way. You are who you are. There will always be people with predilections, but you will find most people are accepting. I hope you will find peace with yourself.

[jasmine57]

Tania- I to am 51 and am feeling many of the same feelings that you are. I've ventured out to the mailbox and a couple of late night walks but basically trapped inside the house. I work very hard to try and be presentable as a woman when I'm dressed but worry about being humiliated everytime I think about going out. It's easy to say just ignor it and be yourself but if i didn't care what people thought i wouldn't work so hard to try and present. I have come out to a few friends and one of my daughters but talking to them explaining how and why I feel the way I do is a lot different than putting it out there for stangers to feel to see is something different. I feel the smae prison bars that you do and someday soon am looking to busrt out of them. But until them I just enjoy what I have in Jasmine and treasure my time as her. I know this hasn't helped but know you are not alone in what you're feeling and maybe being able to talk about it will help both of us open the door.good luck in which ever way you decide to take it.

[lasaka78]

wow, and thanks for the the writing. I feel most of the same way.
and thanks again, Lets hang in there together......

[paulaN]

I am the same age and have most all of the same feelings as you. I am now single after 31 years of marriage. I know exactly what you are talking about. The difference between us is that I have gone out that door. There is a fantastic pink fog out there. There is also some blue smoke that everyone must contend with, at times. I say to you Tuck those ba**s away put on some panties and heels, dress conservatively and go out that door. Man up and be girly. (That is a quote form someone on this forum.) The pink fog awaits you and it may answer a whole lot of your questions. If I could I would push you out the door myself,more like take your arm and walk out with ya. Go girl go. I'm pullen for ya.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Isn't this what the website is about? Helping us to come to terms with who we are and finding out who we are? Despite age, sexual orientation or any past history? I am not sorry for being single, that is just how life has been dealt, I am sorry I lost a very beautiful lady due to a desire to enhance my education, I am not sorry for being 50, that is beyond my control. I am not sorry for realising I have some strange desires for wearing female clothes that have come and gone for the last 40 years. I am sorry that I had not the guts to realise that this was a part of me earlier. I am sorry that everytime I walk through the front door I hurt because I want so much to wear something feminine. Yes, I realise I am not a woman, but I also realise I am not a man too. A woman can walk out in a pair of boots, jeans and T-shirt and be accepted socially despite being slotted in as a woman. I cannot leave my front door dressed as a woman because that is "not socially accepted", what is more I can never leave my front door dressed as a woman because I am also there, criticising myself as I leave the security of my front door, But the bars of my own upbringing inprison me, despite my age. My front door is my own mind,

[Sally2005]

Lost... I went through a serious case of what you describe and it was no picnic and being single, I think you have a lot of opportunity to experiment. For myself, after years of feeling stuck at home, I reached a point where I just 'had' to do something. I decided I needed to find out what is was like venture out in the daytime! I did it, it was exiciting and fun and I've never looked back. I can't say that is what you need to do, but take a serius look at what you want to do in your life (you know...the things you wish you would have done when you are taking your last breath). Worked for me.

[Wendy me]

perhaps your just fine the way you are.... are you looking for more ??? are you happy ????... i got a feeling if you relax and hang out here and see what a lot of persons here are doing and things they experienced you just might find there's more right with you than is wrong with you............

[Melissa A.]

I agree with Wendy, There may be alot more that's right with you than wrong. However, you sound so confused and filled with angst over not being able to decide, much less even make a move, that a good gender therapist to talk to might be very helpful. What you'll find out, I don't know...But you ought to know that what you see now may not be what you are later, or ultimately. Transsexuals, Genderqueer folks, Crossdressers, and people all across the spectrum all go thru different periods of self-examination and change. If you're not happy, try something else. seek help. talk to someone who has seen this before and knows what they're talking about. it's very likely you'll look back and be amazed at the results. Seeing someone also will almost certainly help with the all of the self-acceptance problems you're having, as well. There's nothing wrong with having them. We all carry prejudice, shame, embarrassment, fear. Our culture and our social interactions dump alot of that on us. It can be hard to overcome. But it's more than possible. Take the first step and you might find the journey alotta fun, after a time.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Sarah Doepner]

You have a lot of questions and it may be good to deconstruct the thing some as you work through this. Break them down into little pieces and ask more questions. It might be time to look for some local contacts as well as to keep writing in this forum. I often find that as I write my questions that I come up with my own answer and don't need to post. Other times I look forward to the help I get here. I also like to try and respond to some of the questions that come up here. Even if I don't have the answer, it gets me to think about it within my circumstance.

My main observation however is, you really seem to enjoy the CD experience when you get the chance. Focus on that enjoyment, for it may get you through the hard times you encounter. There is peace in the satisfaction you get when you see that woman in the mirror. Oh, and I wouldn't start by coming out to my family. Practice with other CDs first. Get in a comfort zone with other people and continue striving for the answers to who you really are. It's a worthy goal and I wish you the best in your effort.

[pamela_a]

Tania,

As others have said, you're not alone. I also hid my desires for nearly 40 years. I finally decided I was tired if living in a self imposed prison and walked out the door and discovered a beautiful world. What surprised me most was that most of the people I saw were so engrossed in their own little world they didn't take time to really notice me or how I was dressed. Sure, some were not as nice as others but it was the nice encounters that kept me going.

Finally at the ripe old age of 51 after a lot of introspection I finally accepted who I am, found a good gender therapist and have plotted my course from there.

You have so many questions; don't overwhelm yourself. You are who you are. Find a good good gender therapist you can work with (it may take a few tries). Whatever you do, don't condemn yourself to a life behind walls. It's too beautiful in the sun.

-Paula-

[MissConstrued]

WWDPS... What Would Dr Phil Say?



Yes, I realise I am not a woman, but I also realise I am not a man too.

Right. You basically described yourself as an invertebrate. :doh:




A woman can walk out in a pair of boots, jeans and T-shirt and be accepted socially despite being slotted in as a woman. I cannot leave my front door dressed as a woman because that is "not socially accepted",


:violin::cry:

You've been here for a year and a half, which is more than enough time to have read plenty of posts on this. You know what the choices are: one -- quit whining and stay in your closet. Two -- quit whining, buck up an attitude, and go outside.

I'll even give you a third option -- take up a hobby to get your mind off your woes, because gods know, they're worse than everyone else's. :brolleyes:

[charlie]

Hello Tania!
I am 59 and haven't the slightest idea why we are do this. I have a happy family, kids, a good job ....and I risk everything to go out and be the best woman I can be. I know that I can't dress and just be at home as well. When I dress I'm out the door as soon as the wig is straight and the lip gloss is drying. By most days I'm just a regular guy with a good home and family. Four nights a month when I go to other job sites I'm as young and pretty a woman that I can be. Then I'm an attention ***** that loves being out getting compliments and strutting her stuff. Why? Because I have to. I am driven to go out as a woman and I enjoy it immensely. Try to get out Tania. Perhaps it will help you to integrate and feel more at one with yourself. Staying locked at home is just to confining and does not allow you to grow. Go to a local gay bar dressed or a Tri-ess meeting. Interacting as Tania will help you sort things out...at least it did for me.

[Lorileah]

WWDPS... What Would Dr Phil Say?


Probably something inane about riding a horse across a river without a paddle with a burr under your saddle.

But Tania what you describe is absolutely normal (and we all know that normal is the norm here). Everyone makes their moves depending on how they interpret things at the time. Often people will "go out" in the safety of their car just for a short ride. They feel like they have been out of the house yet they have never left their comfort zone. It isn't a all or nothing proposition. You have a desire to get out so do it but do it slowly. You might decide next time to pump some gas or grab a burger. You will eventually see that not everyone is staring at you, in fact you will see that nothing in the world changes and you can do more and more. Good luck

[carolinoakland]

well Tania, I am fifty myself, and my response to most of the younlings when they start getting catty is to point out that at my age I'm stunning beyond belief, and the young ones will only get old and fat.

So, I thought I was hetero CD, and then my bell rang. What bell? There is an article called "So you want to be a T - Girl?" that you should read. For me, what ever gets you there is irrelevent, it's what you do when you get there that does. So, I would suggest you start with TS Roadmap, a great resource. I started there and for every question I answered it promted 3 new questions. I found that as read I would have these simultaneous feelings of A) a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I realized " Oh my god, I AM one!" and B) an over the top feeling of elation as I realized " Oh my god, I AM one!" The TS road that one can travel and stop anywhere you please .

For me.... The day came when I realized that if I couldn't walk out my front door as I pleased.... then I wasn't livivng my life right. Or at all. And once I stopped wearing wigs, then it became more about identity than being a fetish or disguise, costume, et all. And the discomfort over my gender stopped when I stopped trying to be a man, and accept that I was a woman, and the identity I was present was so right that it didn't feel like anything, but being me. So, do your research, and read, and talk to others. But this is YOUR life, no one else can TELL you how to live it. Oh, try Anne Vittale's site, VERY informative. And then get thee to a therapist, but remember, she's not going to give you any answers. Only you can answer your questions. And remember to.....
BREATHE!!!

[tricia_uktv]

Again I would say read my blog. I was determined to force myself out into the open and, with a huge amount of courage and attitude, did so. It takes a huge amount of guts but once your out there, its such fun! I can now dress, drink, drive, travel, watch shows, whatever as Trish as I would as Iain. I don't fully pass but am not that bad.

Behind the blog was a year of playing and experimenting, going out underdressed, just wearing perfume for example and before - this is what I do recommend, I went to gay areas, areas where I would be accepted and could experiment more deeply.

Its a long, hard journey - but for me its been fully worthwhile. I am going out again this weekend and I just can't wait. The wall is in your head but it can be smashed.

Have fun!

Hugs

[Kristen Kelly]

Four years ago like you I stood at that door scared to death to venture out and it was the middle of the night, but I got the courage and did. I met someone online and began to go out to TG friendly places. I met a girl here almost 3 years ago and met her out 1 night we sat had a few drinks at a TG friendly nightclub, and my life has never been the same. We are still great friends, and we have met many new friends over the years. I now go anywhere and everywhere day or night. I have traveled enfem for days at a time, done things I would have never imagined, pushed my point of comfort where I would do anything a GG would normally do. It all started with 1 step out of that “CLOSET” door. It has become more of a social thing than a dressing thing, I love getting out dressed but have even joined them in “Drab”, proud of who I am. The answers came over the years as I questioned myself. I never thought I would me where I am today, I started as a mixed up CD and find myself “TODAY” as a Non-OP TS, where I will be a year from now time will tell.

[Jessica Who]

Hi Tania,

Try not to focus on labels, sweetie, as it is far more important to just be yourself. Too often society tries to marginalize people by forcing them into different boxes. That is not what we are about here, as you will hopefully see.

Also, you are certainly not wrong for doing what you want to do. There are much worse things that you could be doing with your time. Just enjoy who you are and wear what you want. If you need support you'll certainly find it here and if you have any questions they will definitely be answered here. Good luck

Peace,

Jessica

[linnea]

[QUOTE=Kristen Kelly;1745718] Four years ago like you I stood at that door scared to death to venture out and it was the middle of the night, but I got the courage and did. I met someone online and began to go out to TG friendly places. I met a girl here almost 3 years ago and met her out 1 night we sat had a few drinks at a TG friendly nightclub, and my life has never been the same. We are still great friends, and we have met many new friends over the years. I now go anywhere and everywhere day or night. I have traveled enfem for days at a time, done things I would have never imagined, pushed my point of comfort where I would do anything a GG would normally do. It all started with 1 step out of that “CLOSET” door. It has become more of a social thing than a dressing thing, I love getting out dressed but have even joined them in “Drab”, proud of who I am. The answers came over the years as I questioned myself. I never thought I would me where I am today, I started as a mixed up CD and find myself “TODAY” as a Non-OP TS, where I will be a year from now time will tell.


I have struggled most of my life with my doubts and fears, and now I am moving much more in the direction described in the quotation above. It's great and I'm glad for it.

[Carly D.]

I can answer that in two words.. I DON'T KNOW!! ok that's three words, but that is the confusion of being a cross dresser.. from one day to the next I am feeling different.. from the early on when I dressed for fun and sexual pleasure pleasing my self as it were.. then to now when thinking I could pass is.. well out there.... I look at the pictures of myself dressed up and all I can think is who do I think I am fooling here?? I don't know.. all I do know is that I have always liked the way these clothes feel on me.. when I am wearing something I can feel that clothing.. if that is pantyhose then I feel the whole thing.. same with bras same with heels.. when I am dressed up it's like sensory overload.. every inch of my body has something to be excited about.. and so for that reason life seems just perfect.. thank you and goodnight..

[Aubrey Green]

Tania sweetie, the internet is a wonderful place. It has brought you here to find people just like you. Brisbane is a large city, you can use the net to find others in chat rooms and forums downunder. You can probably find some here. Strike up conversations with them until you feel comfortable with someone or several and just set up a meeting and have a long sit down and talk and especially listen, if they are experienced at their life style. They can be a great source of information, support and strength. If you think you may want to talk with a professional, to help you sort thru your feelings. They may know of one or a couple who are understanding to our lifestyle.
Good luck baby! We are here for you. :hugs:

[Angie G]

Tania I think most of us have asked that of ourselves at some time in our time of crossdressing. And I think some of us may never know hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Miranda09]

Hi Tania. As you can see, everyone here has at some time or another confronted these emotions and issues with their CD activities, and I'm no different. I'm basically a stay at home CDer who sometimes has such powerful urges to get into the world that it drives me crazy. I finally did tho, but in a very comfortable environment. My very first adventure out was this past weekend at the Be-All convention in Chicago. I'll be posting that story very soon. But the point here is, try to make friends with other girls in your area, go out with a group to TG friendly establishments and have fun. Considering the anxiety most of us have with heading outside, and the way the outside world sometimes reacts to us, it's better to at least start out with a friendly group and atmosphere. As for who you are, that's a question only you can answer, but for now, enjoy the experience. Don't worry about the identity issues and go with your feelings. It is euphoric getting all dressed and appearing as a female. I never want it to end. At the same time, I don't want my male self to get lost either. That is my reality checker, so to speak, to remind myself that this is my fantasy to do with as I please, for MY enjoyment. And retaining my male self helps me to appreciate my female self even more, and to develop as completely as possible. Also, I would recommend keeping an eye out for any TG/CD convention-like activities in your region. That is a GREAT way to fully enjoy your fem self. I hope this has helped a little bit, and don't ever forget, you're not alone here. PM any of us if you wish to chat more in private.
:hugs::hugs:

[Intertwined]

1st question (and last), who are you? you are Tania nothing more, nothing less.

2nd question, what are you? your my friend If you will accept my invite.

3rd question, are you a crossdresser, transvestite, pre-op, she male or a guy lost? sounds to me, like you are a nice thoughtful person. Does that label work for you?

4th question, you admire gorgeuous outfit worn by anothers, is this wrong? No, its not wrong to admire things of beauty (whether its clothing, paintings or scuptures), its just that some, for what ever reason, fail to open they're eyes and see it.

5th question, you look to the door and see a wall, what do you do? part of this feeling is self preservation, you've been hurt before, and its human nature to avoid things that have caused you pain before. Should you break down that wall, only you can answer that, weigh the rewards of breaking down that wall againts the possible consequences.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I would like to thank you all for your help, and I now realise that my questions have been asked many times before and may well be asked again by others too. I am reading all the literature I can find for explanations and I am now much more relaxed from within, thank you all so very, very much for your kind words and thoughts. The one person I need not fear is myself, and soon maybe me and myself will hold hands and walk on through that door and enjoy eachother as one.

[Joanne f]

Hello Tania,
at the end of the day the only person who can answer your question is your self , yes i know it can be confusing at times and some will say "Do this" and some will say "Do that " but it is best for you to do what you feel comfortable doing as there is no time limit to any of it .
Have the younger one`s got it any easier, maybe in some respects as i think that their friends may except it a bit more than the friends of older ones but not being young myself it is difficult to really judge.
Maybe some of the younger ones can tell us .