Confusion

[Niya W]

here I am at 30 trying to figure things out.

Some of ladies knew at an early age you were meant to be a woman. Not me. I kind of went a different path. Went through puberty and thats when things changed. First time I put on a dress I was 12. Also puberty I started looking at boys. I really liked boys more than girls. Don' t know how I wound up hetro. At 18 I say my first MtF st and I was like get away you sick freak. 19 started dressing. 21 lost my virginity to a cross dresser. yeah late bloomer. came out. 25 came out to the world. 26 had to learn to deal with em lotions. There is areal mind **** for you. going from feeling nothing to feeling every thing. 29 start to transition. Funny thing is the it was a slow but gradual force that made me I was faced with the fact that I might not be Niya. I went through the hole range of emotions. From anger to sadness, to well the ultimate thought. Looking back, I don't see how I could go on as the male me. Still wandering through life looking for the right path. All I know is I cant go back.

[Sejd]

I was just talking with my partner about that tonight; I can't go back. No matter what, there is just no way back.
And that is in some way comforting.
Sejd

[Sharon]

It doesn't matter the path you take, only where the path leads you. :)

Like most of us, you fought what you felt inside for a long time, but now you are being honest with yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. You actually aren't confused -- you have left that behind you.

[Carole Cross]

I can't go back, I am just frustrated that I didn't have the confidence to start my transition earlier. I have known since I was five that I was different and transgendered since twelve. I am now 41 and wont get srs until I am at least 45. :sad:

[Anna the Dub]

I can't go back either. Every now and then I can feel a metaphorical bridge behind me in flames before it crashes to the ground, and it gives me satisfaction.

[Joanne f]

You are right in saying that you cannot go back but there will always be crossroads in your way forward and which ever one you take will decide which adventure you will be heading for.

[Heatherx75]

I am still amazed by the fact that it was not a very long time ago that I was trying to "cure" myself of being transgendered. My God! I can't begin to describe the misery! But I probably don't need to. The thing is that something just broke in my brain about 6 months ago that used to allow me to hate and lie to myself. That's how it seems anyway. And as I go along I just keep on breaking things in there.
Oh, and by the way, I didn't really "know it" until I was about 10. I certainly wanted to be when I was 5, but I figured it was just an impossible dream. I've basically been fighting tooth and nail to stay in the closet for most of my life, too. :hugs:

[pamela_a]

Niya, I understand the feelings and regularly have the same doubts and fears but you're right, you can't go back (at least I know I can't). It took me 20 years longer to finally begin to accept myself than it did for you to but at 50 I started down the path to being who I believe I really am.

I'll give you the same advice I keep having to give myself. Keep you eyes on the goal. Nothing is ever won by looking back.

Hugs,

-Pam-

[Veronica_Jean]

Niya,

Change the dates and I have had that very discussion over and over many times. I once read somewhere that the only way to win your fight with being TS is to give up and give in. It is so counter to every other way we have to be to survive in the world that is seems really wrong.

All of us are moving on a path that we are trying to understand and see over the horizon. In the end, accepting ourselves and doing the best we can every day is all anyone can do. Am I really a female? I don't think so. But I am far more comfortable living life as a female than I could ever have been living life as a male. I have no desire to go stealth because I have a lovely family and 53 years of history that I am not willing to ignore or hide. Does that make me any less a TS or any less a woman? Not in my mind it does not.

Hang in there sweetie and keep on being true to yourself. You certainly seem to be on the right path from this girl's perspective.

Veronica

[Niya W]

So I'm not crazy ? Its just some times I look around and wounder how the hell did I get here. Not that here is a bad place . It just seems so far out .

[GypsyKaren]

It doesn't matter how you got here, the fact is you are and seem happier for it...but yes, you are crazy.

Karen :wheelchair:

[Rayne1]

I think that once you make that decision to transition and have been on hormones for a while there is no going back. I finally told my parents that I was transsexual and she first was shocked and then later told me well you can still wear men's clothing. You don't have to get into trouble with people around you. You can live the way you did and everything will be fine. I will support you. I told her I can't go back. This is who I am. Why would I want to live the lie anymore. She felt it must be something she did to cause this and I told her no it was not her fault. That is just the way it is. People are born that way sometimes. You cannot look at the outside and think that you should live as a male just because you have a penis. You can change all that to match the inside. There is no going back. I like who I am.

[akaCathy]

Since I started therapy and came out to my wife, I've felt a great weight lifted from my heart. I can't go back to the repressed, angry person I was. My wife, who would rather have "her guy" back has commented that she hasn't seen me this happy in years. She is even starting to joke about our differences in clothing and especially shoes.

Hugs,

Cathy

[Suzy Harrison]

I too was 12 years old before I started to feel this way.

At that time I started dressing and making up.

I know how you feel. For ages I used to think, "why me?" and felt pretty hard done by.

Now that I've transitioned I would never ever want to go back. I think it's all about eventually feeling comfortable about the way you are. I used to be ashamed and felt guilty about my feelings.

Now I realise it was never my fault - and I'm going to take control of my life, be a happy female and look forward to a bright future.

I hope that soon you'll feel the same way.

:hugs: Suzy

[TxKimberly]

I wish I had something wise and brilliant to say, that would help you. For the moment, that awesome bit of advice eludes me though. The only advice I can offer is to take life as it comes and deal with it as it happens. Don't dwell too much on the deep meanings and implications of things, just deal with them as they come. You always struck me as that sort anyway, so I doubt very much that I'm telling you anything you don't already know.

[Sheila]

It doesn't matter the path you take, only where the path leads you. :)

Like most of us, you fought what you felt inside for a long time, but now you are being honest with yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. You actually aren't confused -- you have left that behind you.


I have discused where this may lead to with Debs and like Sharon said, I also said to her
It doesn't matter the path you take, only where the path leads you. :)

and right now I think we are beginning to explore her abilty to be honest with herself, and coming closer to a point where she stops fighting herself ......... He is frightned of losing the huge alpha male bit of him, I think I am managing to get across that while the image may not remain intact in his head, the core being will at last be allowed to be free, and that can only be a good thing.:)

[Miranda09]

So many people think that their life's path is a straight and narrow one. Wrong. It's filled with crossroads, forks in the road and roadblocks. It doesn't matter which fork you choose. It only matters how you travel that road. Good journey! :)