For Those With Supporting Spouses/Partners, Family And/Or Friends ONLY

[Sheila]

knowing the support that you have, how much easier/or harder does it make it for you to accept yourself and where this road may be leading?

Debs and I have obviously been talking and in the course of that we have explored just how much my acceptance & encouragement of her helps/or hinders her self acceptance.

She has a thread in the Mental and Physical Health Issues section entitled Want to stop my c/ding (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=107182) that explains her fears and worries there & in our talking I wondered if my acceptance led her to an acceleration of the emergance of Debs that was perhaps, at a far faster pace than she would have gone if she did not have an actively encouraging SO, and thus causing some of the internal conflict and conerns she is now facing.

I know that self acceptance can only be for the good, but can it sometimes come at a faster pace that causes a different set of problems for you all ?

[Babette]

[quote=Sheila;1752227]knowing the support that you have, how much easier/or harder does it make it for you to accept yourself and where this road may be leading?


Sheila, I think everyone wants to be loved and appreciated and that goes for CDs too. My wife is supportive of me and that in itself is priceless. The opposite can produce unimaginable levels of stress and loss of self esteem. Therefore, my self acceptance is definitely easier.


I know that self acceptance can only be for the good, but can it sometimes come at a faster pace that causes a different set of problems for you all

So far, this has not created additional problems for me. Keep in mind, I am very careful with whom I share my "self acceptance" with because others in my life may not be so kind to either my wife or me. Discretionary judgment and consideration of others are my guides.

Good questions!

Babette

[DonnaT]

I've always accepted myself for who I am. So, my wife's acceptance has nothing to do with it.

Her acceptance makes it easier around the house. As does my son's.

Still, with all this acceptance, I remain on the middle path. No plans to discontinue, and no plans to transition.

[ubokvt]

Hi Sheila
Wow what a great question. Its hard to give a good answer here with out knowing what Deb is struggling with. But here goes.
In one sense a “truly accepting “ SO could help accelerate a bad case of PINK FOG or allow a person to rush too quickly into areas where more thought should be used if the couple doesn't stay close or talk a lot. But in time they should come out of the fog, and then it gets “fun”. That is the time you have to stay close, talk and truly share. Not only does he have to share what he is feeling but you have to share what you are feeling, what you are experiencing, what issues this has brought up in you, how you are changing.
I can only speak for me, maybe others will share how it went for them. I went through the fog, the shopping, sense of being free and then it got real. And thats the point, “It's real,” you are out of the closet, dressing is now part of your “normal” life and the rules you had in the closet are open to be challenged. What was so, no longer is. In some way it's being 5 years old again playing different roles to find out who you are. It is pretty confusing. But to try on roles, and see how you fit in life now, you have to do it in context with others. Seeing how they react and interact will in many ways determine how the CD'er will see them self. They see them self through their eyes and the eyes of everyone else around them. And you being their partner put a real spin on it. You, if you have a strong relationship, interact on the deepest most intimate levels possible. Plus he has to face you all the time, you are his partner there is no escaping. Your partner is growing, changing, redefining who he is and as he changes so do you, so does the relationship, this is normal group dynamics. What was disgustingly perverse is now normal. IE. You get up for work, open your under wear drawer to get ready, and its full of womens underwear that your wife just washed yesterday, thats the new normal. You are cuddled up with your partner and it flirts across your mind that its like two women together, sisters, lovers? Hey I'm not lesbian,GOD WHATS IT LIKE FOR HER IF I AM THINKING THIS. OMG!! the new normal.
Stay close, keep talking, share what is changing in you, growth is good. This is a positive, you both have something new in your relationship that can help you both grow, better understand each other, and in the end grow closer. I encourage you to embrace change. Feel free to contact me if you have questions, it helps me in my journey and I love talking about what my SO are going through.

[Angel.Marie76]

I would tell you that, if it were not for my accepting sig other, that I would not have come out of the closet nearly as smoothly as I have now.

It might be known since I know I've posted it throughout here and there, that my SO was, and then was not, and then came back, kind of unexpectedly, in less than a month after she left. Since I had let Angel sneak out a little in that time (shaving and such), there was just NO hiding the reality that /something/ was different about me. This lead to an immediate confront on the issue - which at first really became nothing of an issue at all! If nothing else, it opened the door wide to the ability to talk openly about the feelings I've been holding back all these years. I've been trying to bring Angel out of the closet with all my previous SOs, and each time was told I was, basically, strange.

Since having an SO, who, ideally, is supposed to be this person that you confide it the most, be accepting to me, it allowed me to experiment and reach deeper into the feelings that I've always had but never been able to look at thoroughly. A few of my friends kinda knew I CDed now and then, and they give you the general friend 'shtick': Don't worry, you'll be fine - we'll still love you..' but that's often hard to swallow. Almost all at once, after experimenting more and more, it became extraordinarily obvious that I was diving into unknown waters that I was very unsure of, and, just knowing the systems about and having a caring SO around, I turn to her and just start talking.. which lead to trying to find support groups.. and then a therapist..

An interesting predicament however, perhaps something I didn't think about originally, had started to arise. I have this GG SO, who loves /me/ and cares about /me/ but may not necessarily know the entirety of /me/... and with that, as Angel has begun to float more and more to the surface, issues have arisen. She, as a generally straight GG, likes her man for what her man is, a manly man in some respects, but certainly a few 'man-erisms' and hardware that she appreciates having access to. With the evolution of my femme self significantly starting to bleed into the outside world, I've wanted to make more significant, albeit baby steps, to continue my move forward. Once of those steps was my beard removal.

Now, with that statement, I might say that, besides originally defining myself as transgender initially, I feel that, in reality, moving forward with a more permanent female exterior is something that seems like a very realistic (and one might argue unstoppable now) path. Those arguments about labels and such aside, the idea of being truly transsexual are starting to become a reality.. that I want to become, permanently, a woman.. but not known how far I might be able to go.. with the rest of 'realities' included.. (my son, money, family,. etc). Soo... that having been said, I started with my beard removal via laser and electrolysis. This led to a very real problem: My GF likes her 'scruffies' time with my face, and likes a little hair on my chest (not that there was really any to begin with).... and so on.

I've made the best that I can of a good faith effort and let her know when I was contemplating 'big changes' in my life, and I gave her a month warning that I was going to start down this road. This upset her. Did it slow me down or give me pause?? Generally, No. Its not like I was starting hormones or anything without thorough research.. I HATE shaving. No two ways about it. Hate it. So.. soon it will be no more. Will she really be happy with me in the end once it's gone?? I'm actually thinking no. I believe we are, actually, going our separate ways slowly, though she's still continuing to be supportive, the end result of her man becoming a woman I feel is something that she's not going to be happy with. Am I happy about that? Heck no. Do I feel like there's anything I can do to make this easier on her? Not really.. we talk, we discuss, but in afterwords I hear the same things.. These decisions are my own, and regardless of how she feels, she will not stand in my way -or- make me 'stop'.. but, says simply, 'I don't really know how I'm going to feel about this in the end... it's not like I have any experience in this type of situation before.. '

So, here I sit, one month into laser hair removal, going out and exploring Angel's existence in the rest of the real world, perhaps at the detriment of my relationship... and both my SO and I know this... but yet, we both look at it like: Angel needs to come out, we both see her looking around the corner, constantly... she's not liked being holed up for the past 15-20 years.. If she wants out, then we're both going to work to help her out.. no matter what, /because/ we love each other.

My friends, since I've come out to almost all of them now, have been the must supporting group of people I could ever hope for. Granted, as I have also said, I am well integrated into a fairly alternative-thinking crowd of people... CD/TG/LGB.. it's par for the course. When I went to the club last night.. I saw more friends that I've not seen in ages.. who heard from the grapevine that I've been CDing a lot lately. I rec'd some of the most caring words, hugs, and good will from every single one of those people, and I can tell you that at least 3 of them had never seen me dressed EVER. I can tell that they care /and/ that they're intelligent and informed, as they were already asking questions about daily presentation, hormones, you name it... some of my other friends has expressed concern that the evolution of Angel out into the world may leave me a wreck at times.. but have all offered their hearts, couches, and shoulders to cry on if my world falls.

My son, however, is an entirely separate set of problems, which, as a walking barometer of pressure within my life and household, has forced me, more than My SO has, to take things even slower than perhaps I've wanted to... though with that, I'm learning to accept that pace as a good thing. Rushing into transition is not smart.

[curse within]

Shelia,

I really hope you don't mind my two cents here on this thread.. I can understand Debs "roller coaster emotion" to her dressing..Maybe I could help you understand as well, if not I'll give it one hell of a shot..

Debs , I think is feeling some quilt while being with you.. She wants to give you what she feels you deserve " being a full time male companion" no matter how supportive you are towards her dressing she will feel the on again off again love hate for Crossdressing.

Debs is a careing individual ,she may wish a semi normal relationship though quilt because you are so supportive , meaning this may be new to her I do not know if Debs ever had a supportive S.O. before.In the past Debs dressing may have cause nothing but hurt and pain to her previous S.O.'s .. This is a new trend that is going to need balance with a little time to adjust.

I have often thought how I woulld open up if ever I find a new woman in my life I love and trust enough to allow curse to be a part of..I thought to myself just how far I would go with a accepting S.O. such as you Shelia.. My thoughts always end as never see me dressed , I do not want this xdressing to be a part of any new relationship but it will not be un benounced..

The reason I feel that way is because my male ego doesn't fit well into my dressing .I want my new S.O. to love and admire the Male me keeping my alter ego at bay..I am very masculine when it comes to the women I get close to , I love holding them and making them feel small and safe in my arms
I love making them feel feminine..

[Sheila]

to those of you who have taken the time to respond to us here ... yes us, we are on this journey together wherever it leads us.

Your words have been heard, are being digested, and talked to death between us, thankyou .

To those who have PM'd me/us again our thanks ... you know who you are and we appreciated your discretion more than you know:hugs:

[Anna the Dub]

If it wasn't for my best friend, I wouldn't be here now. She has held my hand throughout this whole experience for me. She came with me when I first went to my GP looking for a referral to a gender specialist, when I went for my orchidectomy, when I first ventured out and when I need a shoulder to cry on when I am struggling a bit. Love her to bits.

[Sarah...]

I wondered if my acceptance led her to an acceleration of the emergance of Debs that was perhaps, at a far faster pace than she would have gone if she did not have an actively encouraging SO,

It so happens that it was Becky who was the first person to signal acceptance. Not having any acceptance before, I was in a quagmire, not moving at all and being seriously unhappy.

Now things are moving very fast indeed. Interestingly not at a pace that either of us finds difficult. So, I needed a catalyst. And Becky was that person. We cry a lot, we laugh a lot but whatever we do - we only ever do what feels right when it feels right. And so a natural transition has begun and it's one that moves quite quickly due to two things; 1) Becky accepts, loves and supports me at all times - unconditionally. 2) I have absolutely no trouble being me - surprising - but there it is. So here I am - on the cusp of full time as far as every one else is concerned and we're doing just fine.

I'm not sure if that helps, but it's where we're at right now :)

Hugs to you both.

Sarah...

[Lorileah]

knowing the support that you have, how much easier/or harder does it make it for you to accept yourself and where this road may be leading?

Debs and I have obviously been talking and in the course of that we have explored just how much my acceptance & encouragement of her helps/or hinders her self acceptance.

She has a thread in the Mental and Physical Health Issues section entitled Want to stop my c/ding (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=107182) that explains her fears and worries there & in our talking I wondered if my acceptance led her to an acceleration of the emergance of Debs that was perhaps, at a far faster pace than she would have gone if she did not have an actively encouraging SO, and thus causing some of the internal conflict and conerns she is now facing.

I know that self acceptance can only be for the good, but can it sometimes come at a faster pace that causes a different set of problems for you all ?


First did Deb ever quit CDing? I never read the who book so I don't know ;)

Now, yes things can and do accelerate certain aspects. In both directions. Early on when one has mostly sexual urges, this can push you on a giant roller coaster. Most here who have gone through that will agree.

Age was one accelerator for me, call it a midlife crisis. I suppressed it for many years telling myself that there was always tomorrow, then 40 hit and tomorrow was sooooo close that the day after tomorrow was scary. So out came Lori. And she came out then with a vengeance. Then the downhill side of OK been there done that. Subtle bubbling beneath the surface, blending into the crowd (that one reason I don't get the "I want to blend in crowd", it is easy). Then this year and POW here I am again!

But I don't think that how it has gone with you and Debs, or with me, is a bad thing. It is far worse to feel different, ostracized, like you don't belong. OK so you pushed it, you also made a huge difference in someone's life (well more than one on this forum I assure you) and speed is a thrill. So I would say don't sweat it, Honey, enjoy the ride