Took the wind out of my sails

[Intertwined]

On a 4 day high from last Sundays vacation, today hit rock bottom today.

When I first joined this forum 6 months ago, I mentioned it to my wife, she did not seem interested so I let it go.

Since no one she knows, know I crossdress, I thought it could be helpful to her to have someone to talk to about her feelings, since we don’t talk about CD, I suggested today that she should take a look at this site.

For 14 hours today, I have been chewed on, told how I don’t listen, told how I keep shoving it in her face (CD), told how she does not want anything to do with my sex website (this place). I honestly believe I was just concerned about my wife’s feelings, but she says I am trying to convert her.

It’s now 1 am, can’t sleep, doubt I am going to work today, I don’t know what to do.

I thought this place was doing me some good, but now I don’t know, I am going to be taking a short break, a week or so, we will see.

Thank You.

[Sheila]

sending you more :hugs: hun, I wished I had some answers to help to go along with the hug

[BreenaDion]

Just to know that your not alone in all of this Intertwined . Not a good source of therapy but is a good source of information on whats cd's do, feal , think an so on. Ive been to counseling in yrs past about relationship issues. If your wife doesnt what cd , dont force fead her . get counseling for your self to learn how to deal with your cding in the marrage. You need the help first Intertwined not ur wife . Life begins with the first step! :love:

[Joanne f]

I think that your intentions were good in trying to get your wife to at least have a look at what go`s on here especially if you could have got her on the FAB section .
But look at it in another way , if a wife just has a quick look you could see where things might get missinterpreted if the wrong type of post`s came up at that time (from your wife's point of view) it could be very easy to misinterprate in where you are heading with your CDing .
As i said your intentions were good but good intentions do not always workout for the best , and yes it does hit you a bit when you have tried something and it did not go quite the way that you expected it to go , that shows you have feelings and maybe your wife will see that soon and think about having a look on here, anyway good luck on that adventure and hope to see you back on track soon.

[DinaMature]

sending you more :hugs: hun, I wished I had some answers to help to go along with the hug

"Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood" :Pray:

"That sex site" -Isn't that the usual issue, or in your case, the classic response? The outsiders that so quickly assume our issue is about sex, or sexuality? I know when/if I share all with my SO that the whole issue of sexuality will come into the discussion.
In fairness to them, how can it not come to mind?

(Ironic that she would say that, though... the moderators do such a good job of keeping the discussions here very lowkey, on topic.)

I guess, lay low a while longer, attempt to live your life as you have before the revelation; let her hopefully come to see how you are still masculine in the ways she's known you to be.

"Chin up!!" The sun will rise again.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Dear Inter-

It ain't here, it's her. Sorry, but you probably already realize that, it isn't this site that's the issue, it's her feelings about you being CD. Nothing about being TG is wrong, bad, illegal, immoral, unnatural, or whatever except that some people have their own perceptions about it. Counseling may help. Going back in the closet (how you can do that once you come out is a whole other question) is an option. All I can say is that I wish you and her the best. Oh, and it won't just go away. Sorry.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[TGMarla]

Hi again. Sleepless night? That sucks. Listen, she may be a whole lot more willing to listen to you if you tell her something she wants to know. She's already said she doesn't want it shoved in her face, so you should give her that room. Ideally, you may want her to totally accept your CDing, and be completely accepting and on board with it all, but the reality is that she probably won't be. Not all women can get their minds around this and be completely comfortable with it. That's how my wife is.

So if you are still able to talk to her at all right now, tell her that you understand that she doesn't like it. I'm sure she thinks its really weird. But then let her know that since it's something that you do, and that since it won't go away, you'll do your best to keep it away from her out of respect for her and her feelings. Tell her that she is important enough to you for you to respect the way she feels about this, and so you will do your best to keep it separate from your life together.

Sometimes it's the only way. Good luck.

[LisaM]

Intertwined,

I agree that your intentions were good but people find what they are looking for wherever they go. Your wife went to this site with her mind closed and she found a few things that she felt were inappropriate. She was looking for them.

I agree you should take a break (but only for your wife's sake) but if you get some therapy by talking to others on this site then you should continue to visit. Hopefully, you can find another way for your wife to come to understand your dressing.

Everytime I find myself in a dark and depressed state I try to remind myself of all of the good things that I've accomplished---with my spouse--with my children--with my friends and community. I have to remind myself that there is more to me than my dressing and gender issues. Finally I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with my dressing and gender issues. It is just part of the human condition and I view it as a blessing.:)

[Di]

Sorry :sad: your intentions were good.We GG's always say have her come here to us we will help and she will have an outlet and others to talk to. But some have to find us on their own
I guess and maybe this is her way of keeping it at arm's length.
Sorry :hugs:

[Deedee Dupree]

Well, that's an unfortunate turn of events. Sorry. From what I have seen so far the site appears to have been helpful to you.... not so good for your relationship. As has been suggested your spouse needs "space" and some time with no reminders of your CDing.

In that space, reinforce all the positive aspects of your relationship that have nothing to do with CDing.

Sometime in the future she may bring it up on her own and that would be the right time to try to guide her in the most unthreatening way possible to a more informed POV. If and when that happens, one might have a tendency to "overdo" it... Small "doses" at a time may produce the best results, and that goes for the positive reinforcement mentioned above as well. So ironing this out could take awhile. In the current circumstances, forcing the issue is always a mistake.

I hate to mention this but your wife knows about the site now and she may check it out without telling you. What your "footprint" would look like to her (here or anywhere else on the internet) may be something to consider?

Good luck, and if it is in your best interest it would be very nice if you could keep us informed. dd

[Jenny Brown]

For 14 hours today, I have been chewed on, told how I don’t listen, told how I keep shoving it in her face (CD), told how she does not want anything to do with my sex website (this place).

If she's already told you that she doesn't want any part of this, WHY did you even bring it up? Perhaps you need to learn to listen. :straightface:

[Miranda-E]

If she's already told you that she doesn't want any part of this, WHY did you even bring it up? Perhaps you need to learn to listen. :straightface:

Perhaps he's trying for a better life. something more rewarding that a one way hidden relationship.

[Cristi]

My SO is generally accepting. I've suggested to her a few times that she might find some interesting things to read on this site, but she has never shown any inclination to join, or even visit it as a guest.

It got to the point that if I mentioned it again I feel like I would be pushing... so I let it drop.

I choose to look at it this way: I have other 'hobbies'. I don't insist she read my photo blogs, or tech websites. She doesn't send me links to her gardening or other sites. My dressing is not an ISSUE to her, so she really doesn't have a need to delve further into it.

[Angel.Marie76]

Chiming in chorus with all the rest, you were spot on with bringing it up to her, don't beat yourself up over it, please. :hugs: She's your SO, and you should feel able to share things about yourself with her. Perhaps indeed that she was turning a blind eye to the goings on about your life as perhaps she felt she could be ignorant of it and it would 'go away' or not bother her.

The fact that, out of consideration, that you speak up to her and freshly present that, 'Hey! There's an important part of me you're really not seeing here.' perspective again is generally a good thing - unless, I suppose, if you've already set in stone the laws of the land and placed them for all to see. If she knew before, and went quiet, and then, lets just say 'time passed' (as you said - 6 months or so), and you try again to just be considerate of your SO's feelings and yours too, then you are working to communicate better. If, after your 14-hour barage you have reached a plateau of non-compliance and lack of understanding, then you two need to hammer out that stone tablet and put it on the mantle:

'Thou shalt not speak of thine crossdressing adventures, ever.'
'Thine efforts to convert ones mate for or against shall be futile.'
'Beware what thou leaves in the laundy, for it may suffer a most untimely demise.'

and so on.. Take heart, many of us have been in such places before.

[shaunamac]

Your situation sounds a little like mine 'was'
It got to the point where I had to choose
my life with my wife or to separate......

[MissConstrued]

I suggested today that she should take a look at this site.



I suspect that would be a great way for her to get completely the wrong idea about you!

Too, I don't think it's so much you that's got her down, but some of the other things you've mentioned. Life is beating her up lately, isn't it?

[DonnaT]

Maybe she was having a bad day or something. It'll pass. You're probably feeling a bit hurt too. It'll pass. Do something pleasant together.

As supportive as my wife is, she won't join a forum either. She's just not interested in talking to others about it. She seems to be worried that she'll be coerced into something, like being even more accepting than what she already comfortable with. Apparently.

So, I don't bring it up. I don't even talk about something I've read that was interesting, and would make for good discussion.



Since no one she knows, know I crossdress, . . .
With all your outings, I am wondering how you know no-one she knows knows?

[Jenny Brown]

Do something pleasant together.

Great idea. Take her out to eat, see a movie. leave the skirt and 5" heels at home.:D

[TxKimberly]

Ouch! Good luck my friend. . .

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I thought this place was doing me some good, but now I don’t know, I am going to be taking a short break, a week or so, we will see.

I've always thought you were doing well here - sharing experiences and spending time with friends and more importantly, people who understand crossdressing.

It sounds like your wife did not react well to this site. Ok, as I understand it, she's not someone who wants to talk about cding with you. Not all women will want to talk about or even think about their husband's cding. Not all women will be accepting of it, even more so in the man they love. This website, nor any other will be able to change how they feel. If/when a woman doesn't want to anything to do with cding, that's just how she feels. If it is because she misunderstands what it is all about, that is one thing. If it is because she does not want to see or think of her man (or any man) in a feminine light, that's it. Nothing can change how she feels - it's just how she views men and she's allowed that.

What is it that YOU want from this site? What good do you feel can come to you from being here? Are you here to make friends? I'd say you've done that quite well, even though you've been on the quiet side lately (we all get busy).

If you're expecting some kind of magic that will change your life, and your wife's, and transform how she feels about your cding... well, you let me know when you find any website anywhere that has that kind of power. I bet a LOT of crossdressers would pay BIG money for a website or online forum that had that kind of power.

I understand you're having a rough time right now. I'm really sorry to hear that and my heart goes out to you. I don't have any great advice to give you, but I really hope things pick up for you soon. :hugs:

[Carly D.]

SEX SITE!!???.. where??? I can't find it here.. and if there was any I doubt that I would be here.. truth is this is more therapy than anything... .. it's too bad she can't understand what you are going through.. it's not easy being two people..

[linnea]

So if you are still able to talk to her at all right now, tell her that you understand that she doesn't like it. I'm sure she thinks its really weird. But then let her know that since it's something that you do, and that since it won't go away, you'll do your best to keep it away from her out of respect for her and her feelings. Tell her that she is important enough to you for you to respect the way she feels about this, and so you will do your best to keep it separate from your life together.

:iagree:

I think that this is very difficult; I wish you well. I think that the worst thing that a person can do in this kind of circumstance is to get defensive (not that you have, by the way). Acknowledge her feelings; give her the kind of support you have hoped for. Expect that things will work out.

[Nicole Erin]

Spouses go thru up's and down's about our TG life.
Sometimes they seem to enjoy it and other times despise it...

Intertwined, you know anything you go thru on count of your crossdressing and such, we have been there too. Trust me, you are not alone in this.

Take a break yes but don't quit on us completely. :hugs:

It was suggested that why is intertwined bring up this site when the spouse said she wanted no part? Well, TG or not, most spouses like their partner to be part of things...Just part of being in a realtionship

[paulaN]

I feel for ya I was once there. I am now divorced. And this site is doing "YOU" lots of good. It's not doing her any good at all. I don't think you will be able to change that. I wish you the very best and good luck. I know I sound a bit harsh, But that's the way I see it.

[Rachel Morley]

Oh my gosh Intertwined, I'm so sorry to hear this as I was mistakenly under the impression that your wife was cool with your CDing but it was just that she didn't want to participate. :sad:

I don't know that to say to you. There are some women who don't even want to learn about "what makes their spouse tick" especially if there is fear of the unknown ... that's why IMHO education is so very important. I guess you tried in your own way to let her know that you'd like her to become more informed about how it really is .... because I'm guessing she has (like the rest of the world) already formed incorrect opinions based upon media stories and negative press rather than "where her husband is coming from" regarding this unusual subject. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. :sad:

Hang in there, and see if you can find out what the "real issue is" ... I bet it's not that she doesn't want you to be happy, as obviously that's what crossdressing does for you.

Hugs
Rachel

[Presh GG]

Hi Intertwined,
When I met and married my husband 30+ years ago , I knew she liked to wear dresses , nighties ect. This was just part of her life. BUT I had no idea it was NECESSARY for her well being . Really , I just thought she Liked it .
Of course at the time there was no internet And I was very young so I didn't know about cding.
I had known and had a dear friend who was trans sexual and I knew my husband wasn't interested in this.
I guess what I'm trying to say is , does your wife know cding is compulsary ? It is not a choice , it is who you are at the core of your being .

I wish you well,

springtime gg

[curse within]

Intertwined,
I know the pain you are feeling , my wife of 25 years (seperated now) never accepted me.. By saying me ....Is my behaviour... I do not know if she was in denial or she just couldn't come to terms with my urges.. Unlike you I was not allowed to express my urges openly, so your wife must have some tolerance towards your desires..

From reading your post you seem like a very decent person a good person that values family and friends..Good things happen to good people, you are doing the right thing by taking a break from here.. Good luck hope to see ya back soon..

[tricia_uktv]

Oh dear hon, so sorry for but can't you compromise. You assure her you won't ever mention it again if she occaisionally gives you some time, away from home, where you can try it out?