Staying together through fear of being outed.

[Ze xx]

How many of you would consider staying in a poor relationship out of fear of your SO revealing your secret? Obviously this doesn't apply to you if you're already open about your cding, as it wouldn't matter anyway, but for some (like myself) I know about my SO's cding, and one friend does, but that's as far as it goes.

So if I wanted to, I could possibly used the 'if you leave me I will tell your family about you' tack.

Btw, my SO knows that he would have to have gone way way waaaayyyy out of his way to hurt and upset me for me to out him to his family, the only reason I want him to be with me is because he wants to be with me. :battingeyelashes:

People will stay together for all the wrong reasons, and I wondered if this would be one.

:hugs: for anyone who might be in this position xx

[allisonrn06]

I did stay with my ex for a long time after our marriage had gone bad for fear that she would out me. If she ever did tell anyone when we finally did split for good, I never heard about it.

[Ricki S.]

For me that was always a worry (probably still is), but not worth staying in a bad relationship. So far, so good.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I'm not out to anyone beyond my wife and therapist (in terms of people who know my man-side).

Because one never knows what life might bring tomorrow, I've actually spoken to my wife in great depth about "what if we end up splitting up". It is an important discussion and something I feel it is necessary to ponder. For me, it has been a great way of checking the pulse of my marriage and how much respect we have for each other beyond it.

The main point of these conversations is to try and plant the seeds for a respectful and honorable parting through the legal system. Hopefully, it is something we will never go through, but I am one who ponders all possibilities.

In conversation, it seems likely to me that my wife would bring up my crossdressing to the divorce court judge. She's never said it as a threat, but it has been brought up something she may feel the need to bring up. I told her I understand and that I'm ok with it. I'm not ashamed of who I am in the slightest and have a psychiatrist who can (if need be) give written document to the court explaining that I am of good mental health.

If my wife ever threatened to tell my family should our marriage go south hot, heated and furious - I am also ok with that. I'm not ok with why she would out me to my family, but I am ok with being outed. Fact is, I don't care if they know. I have not told anyone because I just don't feel like dealing with any potential BS about it from them. But if it comes, I can handle it. They know I've always lived life on my terms anyway.

I am more concerned about how my wife's side of the family would treat me if they knew. There are several nephews of hers that I can see wanting to "teach me a lesson" if they knew (send me to the hospital or morgue). Then again, if we split up, the chances of seeing them in the future are unlikely.

If my wife ever threatened to out me as a means of control (which I doubt would ever be the case), it would have no affect on me in terms of what I would do with my life. No one owns me. No one can control me - at least, not with that information.

[gender_blender]

I was in this situation before I came out, broke up with her, and began my transition to a female gender.

Charlie

[Daintre]

There comes a time if you are in that situation when you have to weigh the pros and cons of divorce along with being outed. In my case my ex filed for divorce, promptly told our families and friends, worse, told my 8 year old son. She did this to prove to everyone she was lily white and I was a pervert who needed help. It can be a tough road to plow, but in the end it was much better than having this threat held over you.

[LisaM]

I have never looked at my relationship with my SO in those terms.

I told her years after we were married and I still have guilt for that. But we still love each other and we work at our relationship.

Getting back to the scenario that you described--fear of being outed--I don't think I have this fear because I no longer (at least I'm getting there) have the shame and guilt about being TS/TG. I wouldn't care if my family/friends knew. It would allow me to be more open about myself.

In our relationship, my SO has a fear of me being outed. She wants me to maintain our privacy.

[Stephanie Michelle]

I am going thru this right now. My wife and I are getting divorced (court on the june 30th). She has known about Stephanie since we started dating. She is usually Ok with it and has even bought me clothing and shoes. when she gets mad she threatens me stating she is going to tell people. Since she filed she filed she told me that if make it hard for her she wil use some pictures that she has ( not sure what they are they have not been developed) and will use them to show everyone. I told her at this point in my life I don't care (which I do since nobody knows) but if she uses something that personal that is between us to expect the same and more.

Why would someone you have loved and shared your most intimate secrets try to use them against you. I understand why alot of guys would not tell the SO so this would not happen. But then again if you can't trust your spouse who can you trust.

Stephanie Michelle

[TGMarla]

Just my observation, but once it gets to the point that the only reason you're together is so that she doesn't out you, you're already done with each other. That's as poor a reason to stay together as one could come up with. There has to be more. There has to be love.

[Miranda-E]

So if I wanted to, I could possibly used the 'if you leave me I will tell your family about you' tack.



I wouldn't stay and I'd council people to leave. The threats to out someone if they leave is classic controlling and isolating behaviour. One of the key factors in almost all abusive relationships.

[Shikyo]

Being out in the open, doesn't really concern me, so I'm just assuming I would be in such a relationship(earlier part of my relationship before I was open).

Staying in the a bad relationship will do no one any good. We can always threaten each other in many different ways, but if a relationship has gone bad I don't think it anyone's advantage to actually stay in that relationship anymore. I'd get out from a relationship that I think has gone bad beyond recovery, there is no point staying anymore. The threat is there and it'll give you some trouble if it comes to the day light, but staying in a bad relationship is going to be bigger trouble, at least to me.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Tell you family and friends first - "blackmail" is so tacky

JoAnne Wheeler

[Christina Horton]

I'm confused, are you saying YOUR staying in your staying in it for the wrong reason? Sorry if I seem slow today. But you said that you stay cuz your SO (who CD's) wants to be with you. Did I miss something here. It seems to me that your not entirely happy with your realtionship? Is this true?

To the Q. If some one (any one) is threating you it's a bad thing. Duh. To stay worse.

I don't have to worie about that. I am fully out to everyone. Oh except ted oh ya Jill sam. The only reason I an not out to them is cuz I don't know them lol.

[Ze xx]

Christina, no, you got that completely wrong, I was trying to say that I was being nosy, not that I was in this position myself. I want any partner of mine to be with me because they want to be there, not because they feel they should stay for other reasons. As far as I know my SO is there because he loves me and not for any other reason.

It was something that came up in conversation between my SO and I, but unrelated to our relationship.

If that makes sense? :)

See some people will stay in bad relationships 'because of the children', 'because it's too scary to be on my own', 'because I'm too old to meet someone else', 'because it beats being lonely' or 'because of what they'd do if I left' (either to

[GaleWarning]

I am told that, when my wife and I split up, she outed me at work.
I'm not 100% sure that she did, cos no-one said a word about it.
Of course, it may have had something to do with the fact that my immediate superior at that time is a lesbian.

To answer your question, Ze, I think that being unhappy is not good. Freeing oneself to the possibility of finding happiness is way better than staying chained up in a bad relationship.

[JulieP]

after talking to my ex today and explaining more on what i'm going through she straight up told me that she has absolutely no intentions of telling anyone in her family. at this point i don't care if they know as i'll prolly never see any of them but i'm happy that she respects me.

[trannie T]

And usually when one gets outed there is some embarrassment for a few days then life goes on normally.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Ze, knowing things about you SO that other's may not is part of the closeness that you share. It shouldn't ever be used as a weapon. I have a feeling that you already know that.Otherwise you wouldn't be venting.
"True love" transends all boundries. It is a gift. Don't let it go.

[Teri Jean]

You don't even have to be CDing to be in a situation where the question comes up as whether you stay in a relationship, marriage or otherwise, or do what is necessary to keep the family unit whole. Then you toss in the CDing to the equasion and then it really gets messy. This is why some, in particular myself,kept the secret from everyone. One does what they feel is right for them and not the world around them.

Keli

[Ze xx]

MUPPET DISCLAIMER: I didn't start this thread due to any problems within my relationship. My SO and I are happy together, and as I have said, if we did split up he would have to go a long long looooooooonnnnnnnng way out of his way to intentionally hurt me for me to be vindictive like that. I have no intention of outing him and neither do I have any plans to leave him.

I WAS NOT VENTING, OR GETTING ANYTHING OFF MY CHEST OR TRYING TO LEAVE CLUES FOR MY SO.

I didn't realise when I started a thread that it was supposed to be all about me, rather than just trying to learn more about the cd side of life.