Addiction

[JoAnne Wheeler]

My Spouse had one of her "I hate crossdressing" tirades last night - she said that crossdressing is "destructive behavior" and is no different from alcohol or drug addiction and that "if" I really wanted to, I could stop crossdressing.

Girls, I need so comfort this motning.

JoAnne Wheeler

[cindym5_04]

My Spouse had one of her "I hate crossdressing" tirades last night - she said that crossdressing is "destructive behavior" and is no different from alcohol or drug addiction and that "if" I really wanted to, I could stop crossdressing.

Girls, I need so comfort this motning.

JoAnne Wheeler

I think she's totally off. It's different than alcohol and drugs. I've never heard of Crossdressers Anonymous, nor have I ever seen crossdressing on an episode of Intervention.

[jasmine57]

I don't think it's destructive nor harmful. The question is do you really want to quit dressing. As for myself I couldn't imagine not being able to dress. It may be an addiction but it's a totally harmless one. Women don't have any regrets about wearing men's clothes why should we regret wearing women's clothes.

[BarbiB]

Get her to sit down and watch a couple of episodes of the satellite TV series "Intervention" with you. If that does not convince her of the difference, perhaps a therapist might.

[Tamara Croft]

Well, have you thought that she has no one else to talk to about it Joanne? How about getting her to join the forum?

[TGMarla]

Sorry to hear it JoAnne. I don't know that it's necessarily destructive behavior the way drinking and drugs are, but I understand to some extent the addictive nature of crossdressing and the behaviors associated with it. I guess I see her point. But still, it's a relatively harmless little addiction. She just cannot get her mind around her man masquerading as a woman and liking it. It really gets to her that you do this. Hence, the tirades. Somehow, some way, you two have to be able to meet in the middle on it and be able to derive happiness from each other despite the fact that you crossdress. I hope it all works out for you.

And since you need some comfort this morning, here's a hug. :hugs:

[Honeygirl]

JoAnne

My heart goes out to you right now. Truly. I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. There are so many wo can offer you much more practicle wisdom regarding where to go from here but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

I feel for you right now.

Hugs
Honey

[Sharon B.]

Just my two cents worth, I bet she has been talking to someone, clergy maybe?
If she is saying it is destructive as alcohol and gambling and you could stop if you really want to.
I have been down that road about 18-years ago. I am now divorced and have purged about three times in 18-years, no matter how hard I try stop it just comes back stronger than before.

[LisaM]

Joanne,

I am sorry to hear about your wife. Give her space for a while.

But I agree with everyone else--I don't believe it is addictive behavior if it's not destructive or harmful. But maybe she perceives it is harmful to her.

[lesley jay]

joAnne i have had similar arguments with my wife before and i then think maybe i stop crossdressing,thing is it never goes away,sure you may stop dressing up for a while but it is always in my head,it does not go away.i hope ur partner was just in a bad mood over something else and took it out on the dressing.

[Sarah...]

I'm absolutely sure it can be destructive and harmful. Your wife is clearly finding it so. She needs someone to talk to if she's going to understand what it all means for her and to allow her to see where she needs to go with this.

Sarah...

[Melanie R]

Crossdressing is an external manifestation of an internal mental and emotional state. Yes, you can stop crossdressing for any period of time but the feminine mental and emotional state are always present.

[Joanne f]

Well i think that i can see her point of view and it was not that long ago that you seamed to be on here all the time ( oh that means i must have been as well to know that you were) or was i, :heehee:.
Lets look at it from some SOs point of view , once you start you want more and then more again , it can take up all your spare time, your spare cash , you long for the next fix of dressing time , you can start to withdraw from your friends, and get withdraw symptoms if you can`t do it for a long time , what you have and how far you go is never enough and once you are hooked there are no ,get you off CDing clinics which you would not go to in any case.
But unlike alcohol and drugs we know that we can give it up at any time DON`T WE:chained::lol:

[Persephone]

You are one of my favorite people around here!

Hugs :hugs:
Persephone.

[Annie D]

Just because, even before my first cup of coffee in the morning, I put on my jeans skirt and feminine top and because I broke into a neighbor's house, stole their stuff so I hock it and could go out and buy a new dress, I refuse to believe that I am addicted.

Most of us have given up dressing for a substantial length of time only to come back to cd'ing. It is something that we never can totally leave. I do believe that it is addictive because the more I do it, the more I want to do it. The urge to dress has never left me once that I started about 50 years ago but I refuse to believe that it is destructive. We all believe that we are better people because of displaying our feminine side and I think that the constuctive side more than compensates for anything destructive.

[Melissa A.]

She's contradicting herself when she says it's addictive behavior like drugs or alcohol, then says, "You could stop if you wanted to".

Look, any behavior can be destructive and addictive. Shopping, eating(or not eating), even a hobby, or working too much. And any addictive behavior has roots of some kind. Crossdressing, however, is a very complicated and misunderstood identity, that is mischaracterized and disrespected all of the time. It's also dissected by proffesionals who think they know what they are talking about.

there is also traditional sexism at work, here. femininity is viewed as "inferior" to masculinity, even by many women. How could any man want to do that???? Even many feminists feel this way, paradoxically.

I'm not gonna get into a long treatise on sexism and trans-misoginy. Your wife's feelings are real, and you need to deal with them, if you want to stay in the relationship. She, however, should be open to some ideas about crossdressing other than her own. Gender identity disorder, whatever form it takes, isn't inherently like alcoholism. you can stop drinking, and with some help and guidance, be a happy person. A gender variant who is forbidden to be who they are doesn't have the same prospects for success. It never goes away. If she thinks you can "just stop" and everything will be fine, There is a strong part of her being ruled by fear, embarrassment, and social conditioning, and failing to see what that will do to you, in the long run. It seems to me she is calling you selfish, but there's a big part of her that is doing the same thing.

Hugs,


Melissa:)

[Greymancd]

My wife accepts my dressing to a point. She does not want it to leave the house but every time I dress I want to go out and be seen. I would like to get professionally done over and go out shopping with her that is my fantasy. I believe that would be destructive to my marriage since she has said she cannot deal with it and our marriage would be over. I have decided to stop dressing because the desire to go out will only get stronger. I know that the desire to dress will still be in me but it is my choice to act on that desire. I know Sissy Stephanie said it can be done and I feel that is what I need to do. I evaluate it everyday because I do not want to one day just blow up and throw all caution to the wind, so far I am being successful. So yes I do believe that crossdressing can be destructive to a marriage and to an individual.:2c:

[PretzelGirl]

There are many ways to look at this. I find it interesting that she brings it up with addictions and alcoholism. I have a number of addicts and alcoholics around me and subsequently, have learned a lot as a result. These problems are medically based. During the actual usage, the pleasure center of the brain is triggered and that is what causes these addictions (or any addictions for that matter).

Sound familiar? The brain is sent into a pleasure mode? We may not be all that different after all, are we? How many people here have said that they just can't stop dressing?

Now that I have said that, even though the basic "drive" in the brain's chemistry may have the same background, there is certainly a difference between destructive and non-destructive behavior. Drugs and alcohol are obviously destructive. Crossdressing can be argued either way but even if you tried to call it destructive, there is a world of difference there.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Any kind of behavior can be destructive if there is no moderation. Human beings are inherently obsessive compulsive about just about everything.If we drink. We drink to much. If we smoke. We smoke to much. If we eat. We eat to much. That is the "reality" of it. The hard part is figuring out where to draw the line. In a relationship ,like yours, an open dialog between you and your SO would help to determine what parameters there need to be, if any, that would make both of you happy. Be prepared to give in a little. Nobody likes a brick wall.

[trannie T]

Crossdressing is not as hard on the liver.

[Missy]

ok with this question are you out of control with the crossdressing? If you are out of control then it is addive and distructive, but if you can honestly say you have control over yourself with crossdressing then it is not addictive

[Lorileah]

whew I was worried it was an addiction but I have total control over my dressing...well except the dam eyeliner, can't control that at all but the raccoons love me.

I guess it could be an addiction but I don't know anyone who turned a trick for a new dress.

Joanne, you know yo can stop for any length of time when you want. You have always been able to curtail your dressing when things get tough at home. You are not addicted

Dressing isn't the addiction, being online here and posting all day THAT'S the addiction.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Roll up those nylons , Ladies, and light them up!!!
It's "Party Time"!!!
Yeah! Yeah!! Yeah!!!

( On a more serious note. I think i just figured out why all my posts lately seem to be doing a double take on me. Browser problem. Time to do a shut down & fix a few minor thing. See you girls later.)

Continue the party without me.

[Deborah Jane]

Nice to see you back to normal JoAnne :)

[Alice B]

I can't really give you and answer other than it sounds like time to get some intervention together. Something has set her off and it may have nothing to do with your dressing or everything to do with it. That is a question only you can answer because you know your wife and your relationship. We do not.

I think for most of us dressing is something we need to lessen stress and to allow inner feeling out. It makes us feel good about ourself and it is not destructive in any traditional sense. Yes it can be addictive, but how much so has a very wide base of difference in each of us and our relationships if we are in one. I wish you all the world of luck in dealing with your situation and as you can see, you have a lot of friends here.:love:

[RobynP]

My Spouse had one of her "I hate crossdressing" tirades last night - she said that crossdressing is "destructive behavior" and is no different from alcohol or drug addiction and that "if" I really wanted to, I could stop crossdressing.

Girls, I need so comfort this motning.

JoAnne Wheeler

JoAnne,

Addictions, obsessions, compulsions, hobbies, interests... How are these different? Unfortunately, everyone has their own defintions... Clearly, medical science defines an addiction as something that is very destructive to one's physical or mental health. Booze, drugs, eating, not eating, smoking, gambling, etc. can all be addictions if done to excess.

I don't know of any crossdressers whose health has declined or killed them because of their crossdressing. (Let's not bring up the outlaw silicone injections or non-prescribed hormones...)

Okay... Let's say that crossdressing is something you cannot stop. Does this mean that it is an addiction, obsession, or compulsion because you cannot stop it? Does this mean that you should get this "fixed" so you can stop it?

How often do you shower? Let's say your wife said, "Taking a shower is dangerous. Look at how many people are killed each year falling in the shower. Besides, I hate it when you smell fresh and clean. You need to stop taking a shower today!" How long could you go without showering or bathing? (Baths are just showers in disguise!) Maybe you could be okay never taking a shower ever again...

For me, I would go crazy after about two days... Does this mean that I am addicted to taking showers because I can't stop taking them? Well... yes... Is this some sort of obsession or compulsion? Well, I am not taking 5 or 10 showers a day... just 1...

Logically explaining this to your wife probably won't get you too far... She would only see it as a blatant attempt at "justification"...

Right now it is her opinion versus your opinion. And her opinion is just as valid as your opinion. She sees your crossdressing as a destructive threat to your relationship.

This is not the time for "you are wrong, I am right", "I'm mad as hell and I'm NOT going to take it anymore!", or "My way or the highway!"

It is the duty and obligation of a husband to protect his wife and family from harm and to create a safe and secure environment for them. What you need to do right now is to cross over that divide to her and look at this threat from her point-of-view together. Explore why she feels so threatened. Discuss various ways to reduce or eliminate her perceived threat. Note: I am NOT suggesting volunteering to stop crossdressing... Right now she does not feel safe and secure. She is wounded and it sounds like this wound has been festering for some time.

Once the threat level is reduced and she feels safe and secure because she knows you are on her side, you can then start to invite her to see things from your point-of-view.

It is going to take time and patience... But if both of you work at this together, then the rewards will be worth it!

Robyn P.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

My Spouse had one of her "I hate crossdressing" tirades last night - she said that crossdressing is "destructive behavior" and is no different from alcohol or drug addiction and that "if" I really wanted to, I could stop crossdressing.

Girls, I need so comfort this motning.

JoAnne Wheeler

If crossdressing is an addiction, than I'm addicted to being myself.

If crossdressing is a destructive behavior, than how has it brought so much beauty and happiness into my life?

If crossdressing is like alcohol or drug addiction, than how is it that my own psychiatrist (who knows about my cding) has given me a clean bill of mental health and recognizes in me a level self-worth and personal satisfaction that I was never able to achieve in my years of self-denial about crossdressing?

I suppose I could stop crossdressing. It would be a great way for me to return to the misery that consumed my life for so many years. Why should I be happy, when I can be "normal" instead and make the whole world happy (more accurately, just more comfortable) at the expense of my own personal sanity? After all, I do not matter - I should just live my life for everyone else.

Whatever.

It sounds like your spouse is pushing the buttons of manipulation. Is it working? Do you believe the lies?

My spouse would never talk to me like that. Our marriage ain't perfect, but she understands my need to be myself. I am not judged based on my crossdressing, but rather on who I am as a person... which sometimes does need correcting and I work on areas in my life as such. Crossdressing however, is nothing that needs correcting. It's just who I am and what society is clueless about (in terms of the realities).

I think I just discovered what the subject of my next installment in the continuing series of Crossdressing Myths (http://www.mycdlife.com/?s=crossdressing+myth). Although anything can become an addiction to some people, crossdressing, on the whole, is not an addiction and certainly not at all like alcoholism.

I think you know the reality vs. the same old lies we've ALL heard over and over and over and over and over. The lies won't go away any time soon, but neither will the REALITY.

Btw - I'm sorry about how your wife feels about crossdressing. Whether or not she every really understands it (which she clearly does not now), she will probably never be happy with that part of you. And she's allowed to feel that way. I could not be happy with a woman who so strongly disliked who I am, but I understand that seeking a more compatible relationship is an option for everyone. Good luck to you on that front. I imagine you've got more trying times ahead because of this. We'll be here for you though. :hugs:

[Aleca]

Crossdressing by itself is not an addiction but depending on how it's used it can lead to excessive masturbation which at that point can turn into a sexual addiction. It's all in the way it's used though.

[Mirani]

The words aren't so important as the message.

For all the "tirade" - it is really a way of saying "I am not coping with this. I don't like this. I don't want you to do it".

So, you have a dilemma - which is not uncommon here. It doesn't mean she is a bad person for having a hard time with your femme expression in your lives.

Really, the answer is in "listen, listen, listen, talk, talk, talk, listen, listen , listen" and compromise.

No matter how much we believe we have a "right" to be "me", well our partners have that equal right.

Good luck. It is a hard place to be. You have choices to make.

[Melissa A.]

It is the duty and obligation of a husband to protect his wife and family from harm and to create a safe and secure environment for them.

It is? I'm Just wondering where that is proscribed, civilly or legally. 2 partners share responsibility for things like that, if they want the relationship to work, don't they? If I'm "protected" by a man, let him do all the protecting and safe-environment-creating, and I grow to depend on that, then he leaves, where does that leave me? Just sayin'.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[RobynP]

It is? I'm Just wondering where that is proscribed, civilly or legally. 2 partners share responsibility for things like that, if they want the relationship to work, don't they? If I'm "protected" by a man, let him do all the protecting and safe-environment-creating, and I grow to depend on that, then he leaves, where does that leave me? Just sayin'.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

It certainly isn't proscribed legally or civilly because if it was, the prisons would be overflowing... However, it is proscribed morally... It is wrapped around inside the words of commitment that usually end with "I do."

I did not say or imply that the husband does ALL the protection and ALL the safe environment creating while the wife doesn't do anything... I am saying that husbands DO have a role in their relationship, bigger than, "Where's the remote?" and "Bring me another beer!"...

If a husband and wife are walking down the street, are accosted by a robber, and the husband runs away leaving his wife instead of protecting her, then the wife certainly has to protect herself. That's common sense...

Robyn P.

[Josephine 1941]

Hi Joann, I don't know about the rest of you ,but we all started out as "FEMALES' . So as the crow flies a couple of months into that body we came from xyz or what every made us come out with different water works. Now my gg is into India type of yoga and all of its religion. The high muck e ups profess that to ascend to that higher plane you have to have both male and female feelings. Stop thinking that YOU are different. You have moved and even thought you are not aware you have some thing that other wished they had. Living with my GG I can dress when I want but that is not were I am. My GG and I who by the way is 51 % male have moved our relationship that nothing matters other then our life together. We have many friends both gay as they are called and straight as they are called, so live your own life an be glad you can. JO