Still in the closet to the wife and struggling

[Leelou]

First I'd like to say that I love this website. I appreciate you all and enjoy hearing your experiences and opinions.

So yes, I'm in the closet with the wife--and everyone else at this point in my life. I'm 44 YO and we've been married for 8 years. I love her with all my heart and am terrified of losing her. I've told two other SO women in the past--one liked it, the other didn't.

I know I should have told her upfront, but I really fell for her and didn't want to have "the discussion" and lose her. Like I said I had a bad experience telling a GF. We're both divorced and bring kids into the marriage.

Last week she almost caught me cross-dressed. She came home unexpectedly, and if I was any further from the bedroom she would have seen me dressed. I guess that's why I'm struggling with this so much now--this was the first REALLY close call.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm posting this other than I don't have anyone else to talk to about it. Maybe there are others who are in a similar situation and can relate to what I'm going through. I'm thinking about talking to her, but again, I don't want to lose her.

Again, love this site--thanks for "listening".

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Leelou

I think you should prepare to get caught or make the decision to tell her

The link in my signature will give you some advice on how to tell her

Oh and even after eight years it can still work out

It took me that long to tell my wife

Now at least you have the benefit of all the members her who understand how difficult it can be :hugs:

[dawnmarrie1961]

Hi, Leelou. nice to have you ere. Glad you are enjoying the interaction.
Just a quick link to something that might help you out.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=109540

Is there an echo in here? Because lately every time I try to post I get bounced backwards.

And end up with a double take on my post.
Moderator, are you picking up on this?

[RWillow]

Hi Leelou, I was in the same boat, I was nearly caught many times but still didn't say anything to my wife of 47 years. I had a heart attack amd as I laid in the bed at the hospital I kept wondering if my wife found my stash. She didn't and I escaped undetected, but that fear never left me, so this past Jan. I finally told her that I was a crossdresser. I too was afraid of losing her but I just couldn't take the chance of her either catching me or finding my clothes after I died. I won't lie, it has been up and down since I told her, she is not happy with the cd'ing and she does not want to see me dressed, but I don't have the fear of her finding out. I may be selfish but I feel so much better since I told her, I haven't felt this kind of peace ever in my 69 years.
I know each situation is different but I thought you might like to hear my point of view. I wish you all the best in whatever decision you make.

Hugs,
Renyta

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I know I should have told her upfront, but I really fell for her and didn't want to have "the discussion" and lose her.

If you need to lie to a woman in order not to loose her (or keep secret your full self from her), than you may be in for some troubles ahead.

I did the same thing when I got married. At the time, I honestly believed my urge to cd would go away when I got married. I really didn't understand myself at all back then.

I came out to my wife last year and she was very accepting. I got lucky because had she not been accepting... I would not be typing this right now. I'd be struggling with life and probably still drudging through the legalities of divorce.

I understand the fear of telling your wife only to have her reject you. It took me over 10 years to come out to my own wife. I wrote about how I did it (http://www.mycdlife.com/2009/03/how-i-came-out-to-my-wife) in detail. My situation was probably a little different than yours though.

I also wrote a pretty in-depth article of things to consider when coming out to your wife (http://www.mycdlife.com/2009/05/how-to-tell-your-wife-youre-a-crossdresser). You may find useful information in it... and probably a few things you don't want to hear. I don't sugar coat things - just put them out as I understand them.

I hope you will be able to come out to your wife in time, Leelou. More importantly, I hope she is accepting.

Good luck. :)

[VictoriaP]

Leelou, hon,, I understand some of what you are feeling, I came out to my wife last summer. After a long talk she understandably had a lot to think about; we talked some more and some more. Her understanding came over the course of a few days. She did not leave me, she went onto the internet and read a few things that she found all on her own that helped her better understand me and why I HAD to crossdress. I know that I am very lucky. There have been a few bumps along the way, but we just talk about it and figure it out together. Gabrielle Hermosa said that perhaps being afraid of losing your wife if you are honest with her may signal trouble ahead.......I believe that is a very wise and true observation. Not that couples do not survive their entire lives together that way, but being honest sure is a lot better in the long run........You are the only one that can decide here.
We will all be here for you.
Good luck,
:love: Vicky

[sami1952]

i actually didn't get but my so found my clothes on day when she was riding with me ( used to drive a truck) and after wards she thought that i was seeing someone else and i explain to her that i like wearing women's clothing and she understood and i dress in front of whenever i dress.so good luck

[gennee]

Told my wife when she found my stuff. I left no stone unturned. She was shocked :eek: to say the least. Eventually, she came to accept this as part of me. We were married nearly 26 years when this happened. Now we've been married 29 years and still love each other.

Gennee

:)

[msginaadoll]

Leelou, I know how you feel. I am also in closet to wife of 9 years. I was married before and firstwife found out- came home early. She couldnt deal with it, and a couple days latter wanted a divorce. So what I say is if you do tell, my advice is prepare for the worst. I say expect a divoce, and hope that that doesnt take place. I say expect because that is the worst that can happen. If you prepare in your mind for divorce then can accept it or the other alternatives. You will get a bunch of people telling you that they told and was best thing that hapened to there relationship. You will also get some saying things have been tough but are together. You will not get a lot of my life has become hell and my wife left me and wants a divorce. That does hapen though, and I do beleive talking to other cds not on this forum it happens a lot. This forum tries to paint a rosy picture at times and thats ok. However this is only advice from people who u may never meet, that includes me. My advice is take your time, and if you do tell prepare for the worst day of your life. I just hope that doesnt hapen! If you ever want to chat just PM me. I do apologize for the negativity of my post, just wanted to offer another side.

[Alice B]

I have to agree with Shelly. I finally told my wife and it took a lot of discussion, etc., but over time she has come to accept it as a non participant. She does not desire to se me dressed, but gives me the needed time to do so and will sometimes see me, with no negative comments. She realizes that it is something I need to do on occasion and that I am still the man she married. All of this took time and open discussion. It was no easy, but in the long run more than worth it.

[TGMarla]

I can't tell you what to do. Sooner or later, no matter how careful you are (and I know how careful we can be!), you will slip up in some way, and find yourself hemming and hawing through some "oh God my mind is racing!" excuse. Best to do it on your terms. I had a whole lot of trouble telling my wife. I usually get tongue tied when talking to her about such things, so I wrote her a letter. This way I got to tell her what I wanted to say to her, without interruptions and with plenty of reassurance to her. I'm not sure just how well it all went over, but I'm still married to her, and she didn't run. We never speak of it, but we still have a good marriage. This situation may change, but it is my goal to be married for the duration.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Leelou, the wife and I had been together for 8 years when I came out of the closet late last year, which was the best thing I ever did. Before I fessed up, I read countless threads and posts here and prepared myself to answer any questions openly and honestly.

There's not a lot of advice I can give as the girls have already said everything I would say anyway, so good luck which ever way you go.

BTW, my wife doesn't particularly like my CDing, and would rather not see me dressed, but now my clothes hang in our shared robe, my make up is mixed in with hers and I do not have the worry about being sprung anymore.

Cheers

Tash :):)

[Leelou]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I'm still torn about where I should go, but I do appreciate your input and your experiences. Love you all.

[Kate17]

I just went through it after 10 years. There is no doubt that my wife would have found out. I was able to read all the great info from this site and it helped prepare me for the big moment. So, now I am one happy CD.

Only you can decide but the truth now is easier to manage than the lie later.

[Tanya C]

Hi Leelou,

I think the most important reason to tell your wife is that she deserves to know. After all, she is an equal partner in your marriage and by denying her the knowlege of something so important in your life you are in effect shutting her out.
Besides, how much longer can you keep hiding your crossdressing from her?

Make preparations to finally tell her. It's the right thing to do.

good luck,

Tanya

[Sarah Renee]

Hi Leelou,
I can understand how you feel. I told my S/O. She said she doesn't care as long as she doesn't have to see it. It's not a good way to live and she misses out on a part of me that I think she would like. It is a big step to tell somebody. I feel you shouldn't have to hide things from somebody that supposedy loves you. We have a child and that is the only reason I would stay with someone who wasn't at least willing to try to accept me.

[tabby1975]

Leelou I know it is very difficult I have been with my wife for 10 years and I still hide my dressing up from her cause I don't want to lose her and the kids cause every time we watch a show like maury or montell and the situation of crossdressing arrives she says if she was in that girls place she would walk out and take the kids so I have remained in the closet all these years the only thing that helps me is that I work out of town a lot and have my own trailer but I know I can't hide forever this is truly a difficult situation and I wish you the best

[Rita D]

Hi LeeLou-
Have to agree with the ladies who have said it's only a matter of time until she "accidently' finds out.
I told my wife approximately 7 years into the marriage, but she had been tipped off when she found my stash of slips (the only female garment I was wearing at the time). I lied (badly) and this made matters worse when I eventually came clean.
I'm not saying it wasn't scary or rough afterwards- It DID take time- and she still doesn't love it, but but 25 years later we are still together.

[cd_jamie]

I have tried to talk to the wife about it several times because I havent dressed in ages and I been having the urge real bad lately. she told me that if I dressed she is moving out. so I remain in the closet with my wardrobe purged