Kim says it for me

[Mirani]

I didn't want to hijack Kim's thread, but she really touched my spirit with her words:

I approached the front desk and realize that the two women working the counter are absolutely stunning. They were both picture perfect Barbie Doll blondes, with the faces and figures of models or movies stars. For just a moment, I feel an almost physical pain in my chest, kind of a longing that is hard to describe. Here I felt like an ugly and tired old man in a skirt, and I was speaking with the exact opposite - a drop dead gorgeous young lady. I know it makes no sense to say you miss something you never had, but sometimes I sort of feel like I was robbed, like I should have had a life like hers, like it’s just not fair that I didn’t get it. I know it's not rational, and that there’s nothing redeeming about envy, but there you have it.

Oh my dear Kim; you have said the very words which play every now and again in my head and spirit. Not many people really understand that inner pain. I am not saying our pain is greater or more worthy than the pain others have (for example of grieving or betrayal), but despite all that I have (which is so much) I still have those times when I really hurt inside. I feel cheated. Never being the girl, the young woman, the person I yearned to express from childhood into adulthood.

Sorry Kim, I am going to steal this too:
Today was a “no confidence” day – I just felt like I was ugly and like everyone seeing me would know exactly what I was. Even before I left the house, I was thinking about taking a shower and going male, but there wasn’t time. I spent the entire day feeling like a man in a skirt, and feeling like people were staring at me. Oh well . . .

I usually post my positive experiences. I suppose its not fair to suggest life is always rosy -it isn't. I too have "no confidence days" - and have a cloud of oppression over me.

I am not asking for sympathy. Just putting the record straight a bit. I seem to be confident and positive, enjoying "the perfect experience" which may cause others some envy of my lifestyle. But, from time to time I still struggle. I am just "a man in a dress."

Thanks Kim for your honesty and ability to say it how it is.

We cant be the only ones to feel like this. Or are we? Any other apparently confident gals who suffer occasional confidence loss and or that inner ache?

[LisaM]

Mirani,

Both you and Kim have hit a nerve thata lot of us must feel. I, too, have an overwhelming sadness when I see a young beautiful woman. And I think that all young women are beautiful.

It is not jealousy that I feel but a sadness on what I missed and they are living. The sad thing is I fight to control that every day.

Both of you have said it better than me but I understand the confidence issue as well. I was just at the Be-All in Chicago and at times I was happy with how I looked but then I looked at pictures and I looked old, and I could see my beard, and I could see the 'man' and I felt foolish.

At the same time I feel both the sadness and confidence issues, I also know that this will always be apart of me and I need to find a balance that allows me to manage it as part of my life otherwise my depression will overwhelm me.

[KatieC]

:iagree:

What they said.

It hits me hardest in the spring time, especially when I'm taking my boys to school and see all the adorable little girls in their cute spring outfits. It's almost like a blow to the gut, knowing that where ever my CD journey takes me, I will never ever have been one of those little girls.

[Lilith Moon]

God ! I know what you all mean, thanks Mirani for starting this "me too" style thread and thanks to Kim for expressing the "confidence lapse syndrome" so clearly.

It hit me hard just last weekend. I'm so lucky to have a supportive partner and we were getting ready for an evening out at a TG event. As I was doing makeup in the hotel room mirror I suddenly saw an old guy in a dress looking back at me. Talk about jowls, lines and crevices....eek. It was only her support and encouragement that got me to the event...but all evening I just felt so deflated and.....I have to say what some others have said...cheated out of the life I feel I should have had but now never will. During the party I just sat there feeling foolish, old, ugly and miserable. I felt a million miles from where I wanted to be in my life and getting further away with each year that passes by.

In fact, I'm very lucky...privileged in so many ways...I hope that this lapse is just temporary and I can regain my confidence and continue make the best of the cards I have been dealt.

But I'm hurting like hell right now :sad:

[metalguy639]

Not sure I can post here, but I just wanted to say that it has been the same for me, but in the reverse for obvious reasons. I've all my life felt so cheated that I was never what I was supposed to be. I always felt left out because my outside and inside did not match. I would get so terribly mad & angry with people when they did not take my point seriously or take what I said as the same as some other guy had said it. I could say the exact same thing as another guy and say it first but because I was "female" they blew me off. I always felt out of place so I can definitely understand how you feel.

[Carole Cross]

I have felt like that throughout my whole life. If I see agroup of young girls smiling and laughing together, it makes me sad to think that I had such a miserable childhood, growing up in thr wrong body. :sad:

[Violetgray]

Not sure I can post here, but I just wanted to say that it has been the same for me, but in the reverse for obvious reasons.

Of course you can post here! FtM's don't come to our side nearly enough and give their opposite perspectives, in my opinion!

Anyway, I do have those days (particularly when I'm getting made up) when I'm particularly aware of my masculine features, and if feel down. These are days when I find myself checking out every reflective surface I can find, hoping that I'll find an angle that will ease my insecurity. I'll see women just out and about, unaware that they are beautiful simply by being women, and I wish had their hips, their hair.

It sometimes makes me wonder if I am farther in the pink section of the slide scale than I realize.

[Mirani]

Thank you those who "understand".

I certainly dont want to stop any more similar posts - just wanted to say that for me this hurt is an occasional stopping place, not the destination.

I am on a wonderful journey and really do count my blessings. I am so blessed to have a wonderfully supportive and guiding partner.

However, it is not a bad thing to recognise the inner voice from time to time. I hope we can all recognise and accept our "hurt", but NOT stay in that place, but look to be making the very best of what we have and what we could have with some planning, nerve and support.

So girlfriends and boyfriends (glad you posted Damien) its good to know we are not alone in our moments of "blurgh" and people DO understand - we are not alone and we are not silly/stupid/ or otherwise wrong to feel how we feel.

I hope more feel free to be able to "say out loud" what is inside and get the energy to move forward.

Hugs (and thanks again Kim for your openness and honesty).

[Alice B]

I kind of get caught in between, I am male first and female second. When I see such beautiful woman both my male and female sides react. However I do not feel cheated because I'm only a semi closet dresser, I can dress at home with my wife's OK at times, but I only get out as Alice 2-3 times a year. So, I can desire the beautiful woman as a man and also desire to took like that as a female. Paying special attention to how the make up is applied, the clothing selection and what jewelry is used as accent pieces. I must then ask myself if I could pull off such a look? :eek:

[TGMarla]

I understand completely. I often sigh, seeing a glimpse of the life I wish I could lead, only to see the fat middle-aged balding man beneath the wig and makeup. Now, that's not to say that had we been born female, we'd be these stunning Barbie dolls, but one has a right to one's fantasies. I hope that these two young ladies are good and decent people, who have an appreciation for their good fortune without allowing it to go to their heads. Too often, with both men and women, we find that the most physically beautiful can be the most vapid and narcissistic people around. I imagine having that physical feminine beauty, yet still retaining the compassion, self-awareness, and empathy for others that I strive for in my own life.

Sigh.

[Sophie Lynne]

The beautiful Kimberly from Texas wrote (in her myspace blog):

"...I approached the front desk and realize that the two women working the counter are absolutely stunning. They were both picture perfect Barbie Doll blondes, with the faces and figures of models or movies stars. For just a moment, I feel an almost physical pain in my chest, kind of a longing that is hard to describe. Here I felt like an ugly and tired old man in a skirt, and I was speaking with the exact opposite - a drop dead gorgeous young lady. I know it makes no sense to say you miss something you never had, but sometimes I sort of feel like I was robbed, like I should have had a life like hers, like it’s just not fair that I didn’t get it. I know it'snot rational, and that there’s nothing redeeming about envy, but there you have it."

That struck a nerve and it describes me to a T. What does that mean? Do I want to do more than dress? Do you feel this way too?


BTW- Kimberly's blog rules. You should read it and share her adventures! (and no, she didn't pay me to say that. yet. ;) )

[TGMarla]

You're the second person to pull that passage from her recollection of her Cincinnati experience. Mirani mentioned it here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=109699). Like you, it struck a nerve with me as well. I think that many of us have felt that exact same way from time to time. I'd even go further as to suggest that this is not at all an uncommon emotion in our neck of the woods. All one can do, I guess, is breath a deep sigh, and think, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Sigh.

[Sophie Lynne]

Oops! i didn't see her post. Kim REALLY struck a nerve didn't she?

[TxKimberly]

You know, I can't decide if I should be pleased that so many other people DO understand my feeling that way, or saddened that so many other people share that pain.
I also think it's some what interesting that two of my favorite people here felt compelled to write something about it.

"I hope we can all recognise and accept our "hurt", but NOT stay in that place, but look to be making the very best of what we have and what we could have with some planning, nerve and support."


As Mirani said, this is not someplace that I do, or that I recomend anyone, dwell in. To dwell on things like this would be most unhealthy and a miserable place to live. We have no choice but to experiance these things when they strike, but we don't have to dwell in it. :D

[SusanCACD]

I can relate, I have had this feeling of being on the outside looking in my whole life. Like I never was or ever will be "there". And it hurts, sometimes more than other times but always, it hurts. I keep dreaming of the day some lady will take intrest in me for who and what I really am, even though I must remain hidden from the world at large. Here's to all of you ladies that have somehow managed to live freely and openly "HOORAY!!!!" It's women like you that help me every single day, thank you so much for being you.

Susan

[pamela_a]

You know, I can't decide if I should be pleased that so many other people DO understand my feeling that way, or saddened that so many other people share that pain.Kim. I think in many ways affirming that others share the same feelings as me helps, especially when it's by someone who looks as wonderful as you and the others look. Besides, isn't part of being good girlfriends sharing each others pain. I know when I can do that it helps me get over it quicker.



Not sure I can post here, but I just wanted to say that it has been the same for me, but in the reverse for obvious reasons.
And Metalguy, thank you for your perspective. I'm always happy when the guys give us your views.


-Pam-

[Rachel Morley]

Absolutely Mirani. When I read those words from Kim written in her thread, it was a bit too close to home for mtoo. I get a weird feeling inside when someone writes exactly what I'm feeling. Sometimes when I'm out I see attractive young GGs and I feel so sad for myself. I would so love to be them ...they're so lovely, and pretty, and feminine ... if I could have my time again ... sigh ... but then, almost immediately, I kind of berate myself as I realize that I have such a wonderful life that I really can't complain at all ..... I guess I should be grateful for all the times I can dress and at least try to feel feminine and pretty.

[Phyliss]

So, that is what I sometimes "feel" the longing for such beauty that I will never have.

I'm reminded of the poem by Whittier , Maude Muller. The last few lines say it all for me.

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"


Yet, I must play the hand I have been dealt. I do attempt to remain in the here and now, to make the most of what I have / am. Still, ...... there is that longing look at the beautiful green grass on the other side of the fence

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Not sure I can post here, but I just wanted to say that it has been the same for me, but in the reverse for obvious reasons.

Thank you for posting and bringing your perspective as an FTM on this.


You know, I can't decide if I should be pleased that so many other people DO understand my feeling that way, or saddened that so many other people share that pain.

Both I think.



"I hope we can all recognise and accept our "hurt", but NOT stay in that place, but look to be making the very best of what we have and what we could have with some planning, nerve and support."

I try not to stay in that place, but end up there too often for my comfort.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[Sophie Lynne]

It's far to easy to remain mired in a place of self pity and hurt. I don't think I have to tell anyone here that.

I think that by simply doing what we do we are taking steps to remove ourselves from that place. Lets face it- the compulsion to dress and/or transition is not a comfortable place to start, fun as the journey can be (for some.)

I take comfort that I am not alone in these thoughts, and that my sisters (and brothers) understand them. It's just easier.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

It's easy to be excessively self-critical but we need to keep in mind that we never see ourselves as others see us.

[Chari]

I too have felt that "CD pain" of why couldn't I be that attractive GG, but then I would have all her pain & problems. Sometimes we are our own worst critics trying to be like someone else! After many years of confusion & not fitting in, I learned to accept all facets of me & am enjoying many hopes and dreams with each day I get.

[AmandaM]

God, I am so depressed right now. You described me, every waking minute, of every day. The only solace I get from these feelings is when I sleep.

[Jessica Who]

Yea, I can relate too. Whenever I see high school or younger college girls I get a mix of jealousy, anxiety and excitement.

The jealousy is likely based on their clothes, hair, makeup and shoes, and the fact that they are slimmer than me.

The anxiety comes about if I haven't dressed in a while and I feel a wave of nervousness crash over me.

Finally, I feel excitement if I see something that I want to emulate, whether that be a hairstyle or outfit.

[Elizebeth]

I can also understand and feel much the same

[Paola Lobos]

It's not just us crossdressers than feel that way. My wife and I recently watched our neighbor walk from her condo to her car. She is young and beautiful. My wife said: "All my life I've wished I could look like her." That's exactly what I was thinking, too.

[Deb The Brunette]

It's not just us crossdressers than feel that way. My wife and I recently watched our neighbor walk from her condo to her car. She is young and beautiful. My wife said: "All my life I've wished I could look like her." That's exactly what I was thinking, too.

And herein layeth the lesson me thinks


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