Cognitive dissonance...

[VirginiaX23]

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in awhile because, well, when I'm teaching it's my busy season and my brain doesn't work as hard at trying to get me to look inwards. Somehow, my psyche knows that I get summers off and waits until June or so to address issues (or maybe I just have more time on my hands)

Anyhow, for a long time I've wrestled with who I am and how I identify myself. Frankly, I wanted to be a crossdresser because it is certainly easier to be a husband/father/professional (and not to say these are easy things to be as a crossdresser, but just easier than being a transsexual) than to be those things as a transsexual. I've come to a point in my life where the pain of denial...of going to bed every night wishing to wake up in the morning as a woman...is just too much to deal with by myself. While my wife knows and accepts a lot of what is going on with me, she is not a therapist and I really felt I needed to take that next step, to be able to just lay it all out on the table and see where my journey takes me.

So, after some research, I found a therapist in my area known for working with transgendered individuals and had my first session with her. I think for the first time in my life I really opened up and said those things I have never actually said, not even to my wife with whom I share just about everything. It was in some ways cathartic as anything has ever been for me. I wept and was totally raw at the end of the session. My insurance does not pay for her service, so I can only see her once a month, so I am counting the days to my next appointment (but not too much, as it is my vacation).

She and I discussed a great many things. One of those being transitioning. At this time, I cannot see myself doing this. For one, my body image does not ever work for me as a woman. But more importantly, far more importantly, I value my roles as father and husband and love my work as a teacher. I cannot see giving up any of these things, which bring me great joy, for the one thing that might give me the greatest joy. My therapist called this cognitive dissonance. She intimated that there was little I could do to reconcile my desire to find an acceptable middle ground.

Is there such a thing? Can I be a happy woman in a man's body? I think right now that's what I want. I want to be Virginia and what's-his-name as well...or I don't want to give up what's-his-name's life for the sake of Virginia...or I don't know what I really want and am just extending the denial of Virginia's right to be Virginia without what's-his-name mucking things up.

When I was 19, I ran away from home and everyone I knew to go and be a woman where nobody knew me. I chickened out and went home too soon. I cannot run away from my life anymore nor do I want to. I do want peace, though. I want to be me.

I just don't know who that is right now.

[LisaM]

Virginia,

Your post could have been written by me so I understand what you are feeling. I don't know if there is a middle ground but I am trying to find it. I love my wife, my family, my career and I think they would be lost in transition.

I keep searching for that elusive middle ground. I'll let you know if I ever find it. I hope you will let me know if you find it.

[Nicole_P]

Virginia~

I was exactly where you are 5 years ago. I too am a teacher (I love JUNE!!) and unfortunately since that time, have divorced and lost a few friends, and plan on going back in September as Nicole. I may be the first Oregon teacher to do this, but I'm ready. Even though my life was turned upside down when my now ex and I split after 28 years and 3 great children, I have never been happier as a person in my LIFE! I am living the life I had always dreamed about, and have many who have stood by me. My family is still struggling, but I know in time they will come around. I know that kind of decision isn't for everyone, but it certainly was for me. I wish you much peace and happiness on your journey-

Nicole

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Virginia

I think most of were stuck in that middle ground at one point or another, I know I was. You've decided that at this point in time you can't move forward, so all you can do is make peace with yourself and live your life. There's no easy answers as to how to do this, that's something you can only work out for yourself. In the meantime, use this as a time for you to grow and learn about yourself, just because you can't move forward now doesn't mean that things won't be different in the future.

Karen :g2:

[Patricia1]

Hi Virginia

I think most of were stuck in that middle ground at one point or another, I know I was. You've decided that at this point in time you can't move forward, so all you can do is make peace with yourself and live your life. There's no easy answers as to how to do this, that's something you can only work out for yourself. In the meantime, use this as a time for you to grow and learn about yourself, just because you can't move forward now doesn't mean that things won't be different in the future.

Karen :g2:

These are very wise words indeed. Stuck is much the same as trapped, as in there's no way out. Like many transgendered persons, I feel like a character in a Samuel Beckett play who is buried up to her waist in the beginning of the play & ends up buried up to the neck. An unpleasant image, to be sure, but a very valid expression of human frailties & indecision - in essence we allow others to decide who we are & what we will do with our lives. We are prevented from digging our selves out & determining our own fate.

As we proceed through our lives we assume more and more of the trappings (deliberately chosen word) of the responsible life - marriage, children, mortgage, community, work, etc. When we first separated ourselves from ourselves to be responsible in a "normal" social setting we institutionalized our trap & began burying ourselves, fully conscious of our self-denial but hoping our self-sacrifice would bring peace of mind. By embracing the norm we thought we could be embraced in return; we would be valid & rise above of our petty, selfish needs.

Now the consequences of these decisions are what hold us back - we love our spouses, our children, our homes, our "normal" lives. We have denied our true identities for so long (how about a life's worth?) that the long submerged identity urges us to throw off our chains & escape our trap. Therein lies our conundrum, what happens when we get what we want? Is it the end of all things or the beginning of some new ones? Can these paths be integrated? Ask Karen for one - her experience shows that past & future can be synthesized but only at great risk & cost. Are you worth it? Certainly so. You have been a patient woman this long - use this virtue to forge ahead at the pace that will free you from your trap in a way that will be the best for you & yours. The best of luck to you & all of us so ensnared.

[VirginiaX23]

I keep searching for that elusive middle ground. I'll let you know if I ever find it. I hope you will let me know if you find it.


Deal!!!:) But somehow, even though the tag may say one size fits all, it'll still be an awkward fit around the shoulders (but hopefully can be tailored).


so all you can do is make peace with yourself and live your life.

Karen,

That is what I have to do right now. If I have some kind of manageable peace (a wise person told me I can't have my cake and eat it too, but maybe I can just have a little slice every now and again, a taste of that something sweet that is enough to hold on to for a little bit) I think I can accept that for the near future.

Make no mistake, I want to be a woman full time and if I could do it without casualties, I would. But right now my heart is so full that if it were to break, not even all the king's surgeons with their wonderful skills could put me back together again in a way that wouldn't keep me from crying myself to sleep every night. I'm the kind of girl that believes that when you have true love with your soul mate, you stop at nothing to keep it. I don't want to hate myself for being myself.

I want a piece of cake and all I get is a bitter pill...sigh.


Virginia~

I was exactly where you are 5 years ago. I too am a teacher (I love JUNE!!) and unfortunately since that time, have divorced and lost a few friends, and plan on going back in September as Nicole. I may be the first Oregon teacher to do this

June is great. I just finished theatre arts camp, so am entirely free for 5-6 weeks. I get to write, think, play, lose some weight and, of course, obsess. Did you live as Nicole during the summers and then go back when the fall bells rung before finally transitioning entirely? And how are you getting back into the classroom? I know Oregon can be a liberal place, but that is amazing. In Arizona, you'd have about as much luck not being hot in the summer as you would being a TS teacher (even a crazy arts teacher like myself). Perhaps I should move to Oregon :)


These are very wise words indeed. Stuck is much the same as trapped, as in there's no way out. Like many transgendered persons, I feel like a character in a Samuel Beckett play who is buried up to her waist in the beginning of the play & ends up buried up to the neck.

Great! Now I can totally see myself as both Vladimir and Estragon. We're both waiting for Godot to make it all better and everyday is the same. Yikes!!!!



As we proceed through our lives we assume more and more of the trappings (deliberately chosen word) of the responsible life - marriage, children, mortgage, community, work, etc. When we first separated ourselves from ourselves to be responsible in a "normal" social setting we institutionalized our trap & began burying ourselves, fully conscious of our self-denial but hoping our self-sacrifice would bring peace of mind. By embracing the norm we thought we could be embraced in return; we would be valid & rise above of our petty, selfish needs.


You know, my therapist asked me if I thought getting married and having kids would somehow make Virginia pack her bags and go away. Sheepishly, yes. It was my hope. Instead, more like a character in a Poe story, I walled her up. But, like Poe characters, she and I, she haunts me, knocking down the wall and I am guilty for having done the vile act in the first place and now I'm out madly confessing my dark deed...

Existentialism and horror...How come I can't be a character in a romantice fantasy? (Actually.... :) )

[Patricia1]

Stuck is much the same as trapped, as in there's no way out. Like many transgendered persons, I feel like a character in a Samuel Beckett play who is buried up to her waist in the beginning of the play & ends up buried up to the neck.

For those curious about the play in question, it is Beckett's "Happy Days", which they are not, of course. I certainly don't want to be bleak, but traps are not conducive to many happy days.

[Nicole_P]

Hi Virginia~

I did live as Nicole in the summers, and would then go back as 'Nick' in the fall. I simply got to the point where I decided it was time. In fact, just today I was at the courthouse to do the name change. So the ball is definitely rolling. I have had many faculty members say they support me 100%, but we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you posted, but Oregon is a great state, and now has a law in place to protect us. That was the hugest thing for me, or I probably would not be doing it.

Nicole

[VirginiaX23]

Nicole,

My wife and I have always talked about how great it would be to live in Oregon. Sadly, we're stuck in Arizona for the time being which is is, sadly, not as great a place to live (all things considered).

V

[Hope]

Anyhow, for a long time I've wrestled with who I am and how I identify myself. Frankly, I wanted to be a crossdresser because it is certainly easier to be a husband/father/professional (and not to say these are easy things to be as a crossdresser, but just easier than being a transsexual) than to be those things as a transsexual. I've come to a point in my life where the pain of denial...of going to bed every night wishing to wake up in the morning as a woman...is just too much to deal with by myself. While my wife knows and accepts a lot of what is going on with me, she is not a therapist and I really felt I needed to take that next step, to be able to just lay it all out on the table and see where my journey takes me.

I just don't know who that is right now.

Your entire post sounds very familiar to me.

I think the best thing I have ever read here is something along the lines of:

Whether you decide to transition or not, either decision requires a lot of bravery.

Go Sparky!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Virginia....my heart goes out to you....your post didnt have a question, but I know you felt that you just had to talk about it to someone who understands...

I hope you find the peace you are looking for. We have all made difficult, life changing decisions that are thrust upon us totally unfairly...as the great dr House said...you don't get what deserve, you get what you get....

The dilemna you described is very familiar to me and to many of us so pls post and post ...

michele

[Sammy777]

Anyhow, for a long time I've wrestled with who I am and how I identify myself.

Frankly, I wanted to be a crossdresser because it is certainly easier to be a husband/father/professional than to be those things as a transsexual.
I've come to a point in my life where the pain of denial...of going to bed every night wishing to wake up in the morning as a woman...is just too much to deal with by myself.

I read this and thought back to what I wrote weeks ago.



I was basically in denial of myself, I had still not been able to grasp what and everything I knew I was and in doing so I fell back on the most favorable thing I could get myself at that time to accept and that was that I was a Cross Dresser.

I guess for me at that time it was the most and easiest thing for me to be a part of. It explained a lot of what I was feeling and going through, but yet still gave me the "out" and it made sense, it worked, it made me get through the day for a while.

It was something I was able to digest, something that I was ready to accept, at least it made sense for everything I was going through and felt.
It was an east pill to swallow for me.

Basically put,
identifying as a CD'er might get you through the day.
But it doesn't last, at some point you just have to be true to yourself.

Once you do that and open yourself up and embrace the real you that has been locked away all these years by "what's his name" you will be amazed by how happy and calm you will be.

It is being true to yourself that matters the most.
It is not about the looks or the clothes or anything else because once you do that, none of that other stuff will matter anymore because you will no longer need it and finally just start to be you.

I no longer have to dress up in order to bring Samantha out.
I am Samantha and Samantha is me.
How I look does not change that. It is what is on the inside that matters most.
The change does not start from the outside, it starts from the inside.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Unlike you I've been divorced now for 9-10 yrs. The last two years the feeling of wanting to be a woman grew stronger and the desire to transition more prevalent. Now I need to be me, fortunately I have my children supporting me, I have friends and some other relatives also supportive of me.

In my opinion you desire to transition but are afraid of losing the role of being a father and husband. My kids still see me as their father. My question for you is would your wife accept you as a female? If so I'd transition, if not wait till your ready to transition for yourself. :battingeyelashes:

[RylieCD]

Finding a middle ground would be great, and that may be the "normal" life for one self. I have been going to a theripist for a few years and have struggling with the same question. On one hand is the male self with My lovely wife, family, carreer, etc. and on the other my female self who is on this isolated island, that only i can get to and has no chance of hevr being connected to the mainland. I am very happy with the life I have on the mainland, and I know that the island will never go away. (I dont have to repeat the mind body soul mismatch) but if there was some way that a bridge could be built or the island could be connected the the mainland it would be easier.

My theripist has pretty much left that deceission up to me at this point, Unfortunatly I dont see it as a choice: I want to be the Husband, Soon to be father, the son, but part of me also wants to the female self and wear the "female" clothes and then feels asshamed because it is not the society "normal". So is there/ can there be a middle ground??

[April Simmons]

I too have used the term cognitive dissonance to describe my mental state.

What you write is all too familiar, when I came out to my wife as a CDer seven months ago I rapidly progressed to recognizing that I was really transsexual and desired to transition.

Virginia, like you I don't want to loose my SO, children, family and career...my comfortable middle class existence. I hope to find a way forward that works for all of us, I am scared but I know I must transition.

If I don't I will likely loose it all anyway from being catatonically depressed and miserable to the people I love.

For a while I considered going back to the old way of hiding who I am and being a man for the greater good. The prospect of living the rest of my life as a lie sent me into a dark spiral of despair. Thoughts of ending it all would quickly creep into my subconscious. I think our families would rather us be happy and alive and there for them instead of dead. The only time my wife has gotten angry at me over this situation was when I said she and the children would be better off without me and that I wish I had died in an accident before I told her the truth.

My wife is trying to find the answers just like I am, she has been surprisingly understanding and has pushed her own understanding to try and find a way that we can remain a family. As she often says people will often surprise you.

Good luck,

April

[VirginiaX23]

My question for you is would your wife accept you as a female?

She would accept me as her friend. But the real issue is that as much as there is a part of my that would like to throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may, there is also a part of me that is responsible to my family to be who I am at the moment and not who I might like to be (there is no certainty that transitioning would accomplish what I sometimes imagine it might...I know it would cause an unrepairable disruption). As the primary provider in a career (which I do love) that does not readily accept teachers who transition (at least in Arizona), even if my wife were to really want this for me (and she really wants me to be happy) it would not be a the right course of action.

We only go around this life the once and it's better to live in the best possible way we can. For me, for now, that is to remain as I am... eyes wide open to who I am.