Once you go out in public

[Sherry-Stephanie]

and I mean really go out...interact with people be it a bar or other social gathering...how does that change you as far as CDing goes....

I went out finally last weekend to a club dressed and socialized with a few ppeople including ahnging out with one girl (Cder) a TG and two gg's who were lesbian and accepted me as one of the girls...as amatter of fact they all did. Plus several of the friends of the CDer also accepted me right up front as a girl...even got told to use the ladies bathroom by several there including staff....went in feeling weird and came out feeling like a girl...and I'm sure that's only the begining...it's going to get kicked up from there...

So at this point the CDing has now kciked up significantly....not scared to go out and looking for the next time I go out....which should be in a week. or two....

How did you feel if any difference the first time you went out and socialized...driving around at nite in a car doesn't count....it has to be out and presenting as a female....was there a significant change from that point on or not????

[Kathi Lake]

With more experience and more exposure (not that kind, silly! :)), I gained more confidence. With more confidence, I gained acceptance from others as they just know that it is right for me to be dressed this way.

Kathi

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Kathi I think what blew me away is I was introduced to two girls who were lesbians by the cder I was with and shortly into the conversation with one of them she said to me after she learned this was my first nite out that "Your going to love being a girl"...that comment kind of really caught me off guard...coming from her....then I thought I guess that's acceptence by her so to her I am a girl...so be it...I'm a girl...and after that there was this real boost of confidence...

How long or how many times until you really felt you fitted in????

[Kathi Lake]

Plenty, actually. Whether in drab or in full regalia, I am usually accepted for who I am. That acceptance is cherished by me, as it's not always what we get, is it?

Kathi

[Deedee Dupree]

Huge difference Steph, When it goes well it's the kind of validation that encourages one to do more. As L. Brewster once said to me when I started out, 'Don't get into too much trouble".
Dig?

[Shikyo]

I gained self-confidence. A lot of things changed in my life through that. I've also been living a lot happier and cheerful since then. All I regret is that I never did it earlier.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

That's the word.."validation"...fits like a glove....

we present and others validate us to whether we are passed/accepted...and I had four or five people who accepted me as a girl that nite...I had been rejected by the wife and accpeted by others so now I've passed on....into a new world I guess...Stpehnaie is alive now...and what was really funny is after these acceptances going into the ladies room felt reall normal/right...like I belonged there...just freakin mind blowing....what a rush that was....

[linnea]

With more experience and more exposure (not that kind, silly! :)), I gained more confidence. With more confidence, I gained acceptance from others as they just know that it is right for me to be dressed this way.

Kathi

I think that this generally describes my progress. Once I started to interact with people beyond a simple smile and head nod of greeting and got into conversations, my CDing became more relaxed and confident.

[Persephone]

"Your going to love being a girl!"

That's it, that's the whole enchilada!

I still love my clothes, my shoes, and my shopping, but most of all I enjoy being a woman -- sharing moments with my girlfriends, the polite behavior of men, and being called "Ma'm" all day. For me, that's where it's at.

And it sounds like that's where you're going. Enjoy the bar scene, but as you become more comfortable with your new wings, when "flying" becomes automatic, start thinking about the museums too!

Welcome to your world, girl!

[Diane Smith]

Before I first went out in public, I used to dress frequently around the house and thought I was quite satisfied. Now, I never dress up at all without the intention of going out and being seen. It just doesn't seem worth the effort if I'm the only one who knows about it.

- Diane

[Sally2005]

For me it was like reaching a major life goal (or getting the monkey off my back). It took years to finally get enough courage to step out the door and go all out and blend in and be accepted as a female. After doing it once or twice I felt like I proved something to myself. Ever since I have felt relief. From the experiences going out I learned to accept myself and I'm not as shy anymore. I learnt a little bit about how you are acting can be used to improve the mood of others. I really recommend it to all CDers... I just wish I had done it when years earlier.

[Fab Karen]

There's nothing like the fresh air of freedom.

[Intertwined]

WOW...

In all the times ive gone out, I really don't interact with anyone, maybe answer a question, or reply to a comment, thats about it.

I don't drink and can't dance, so clubs realy hold no intrest for me...

[tricia_uktv]

It gets better as well. Once you do it again and again as I do, you get known for being your femme self. It becomes part of you, you dress and make-up to it (I have started wearing a flower in my hair because people think it looks cute). And all the time, when away from home people call me Trish or Tricia. Its wonderful, its a whole new identity and a whole new me.

[Pamela75s]

I agree with everyone, and as Sally said it is a major step in life for myself as well. I look forward to stepping out the next chance I get. The feeling of being treated and excepted as a lady, and being able to express your self in the manor that you may feel is right, is a sensation that I will never beable to explain.
Pamela

[vivianann]

There's nothing like the fresh air of freedom.

Karen You can say that again,

I have been out and about for the last three yrs now, and in the beginning, WOW!! what an adreniline rush, and for the first year had many adreniline rushes, however the businesses I frequented most became a comfort zone, and as I expanded my horizons and went more places and activities, the adreniline rushes faded away, and now iust being enfemme now is my comfort zone, even though I do miss the ad. rushes I now enjoy the freedom to go anywhere I want to enfemme. Even though I go to new places I have never been before enfemme, I dont even think about it because I am so comfortable in the feminine role, like others have posted. It is a sense of belonging to me, and I prefer to be enfemme, when I am not working I am dressed as a woman most of the time. I do all my errends enfemme, I travel enfemme, I visit friends and family enfemme, I vacation enfemme.
the more you go out enfemme the more comfortable it becomes, and the sense of well being, and belonging envelopes you, and self confidence is so strong that eventually you will not think twice about going anywhere and any place enfemme. the peaple who know you will eventually call you by your female name, and accept you for who you are, and go to dinner with you.
I have gone to dances, car auctions, estate sales and auctions, walmart, k-mart, convenient stores, womens clothing stores, auto salvage yards, auto parts stores, amusement parks, visit shut ins, nursing homes, BBQ's, business meetings, charities, restaurants, swimming, movie theaters, plays, boat rides, museums, tours, fashion shows, looked at houses, and visit friends and family.
The bottom line is, the more you go out enfemme the more natural it will become to you, because you have mastered your fears, and enjoying your freedom to be who you really are.:love:


p.s. Its a whole new world out there.

[flic]

Thinking back on it, after the first time i properly went out, nothing really drastically changed!!! I went to a pride event, and although i was in my uni town, so a looong way from home,,i pretty much walked straight into a boy from my school!! That put paranoia on my back for the rest of the day as i wasn't sure if he'd realised it was me. I guess that put me off for a little while! So i guess the first time didnt change much in my life,,,but the after that i got in the habit of going to regular pubs and clubs for a while. That built my confidence until i just felt like anyone out and about,,,and blending in was just the best feeling!!!
flic xxx

[pattyv]

With more experience and more exposure (not that kind, silly! :)), I gained more confidence. With more confidence, I gained acceptance from others as they just know that it is right for me to be dressed this way.

Kathi

Kathi: I'm reasonably new here. I find your responses measured and thoughtful. Just like a real lady. Not soliciting any response.

Laura.

[DonnaT]

Can't say there was a significant change. Just a bit happier.

[Kate Simmons]

My first time out was to a Renaissance meeting. It felt completely natural.:)

[PaulaJaneThomas]

It must be well over 20 years ago now but the first time I went socialising (Stoke-on-Trent without an interpreter!!!) was easy as I'd been going out in daylight quite a bit by then. The worse thing was I was driving and beer looked really yummy :(

[sterling12]

Well for one thing, you learn to be more tolerant. Because you are experiencing tolerance from others, you tend to expect the same from yourself.

I think people who go out, will find that they don't spend a lot of time worrying about whether they are "straight" or not. We see a lot of that kind of "declaring" from Newbies.

I think that Gurl's who go out, learn a lot about other people who don't do things that we would call "the Norm." If nothing else you get an education about different lifestyles.

And, I think that your "level of satisfaction" changes. Being out, for most of us, has the effect of calming us. I think it's because we are now letting our femme-selves have some freedom. I think a lot of The Anxiety, a lot of the moodiness, comes from trying to suppress The Gurl-Self. For most, it's an immediate cessation of that "Missing something" Feeling.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Nicki B]

That acceptance is cherished by me, as it's not always what we get, is it?

But it is by far for the most part?


That's the word.."validation"...fits like a glove....

Precisely. They accept you for the person you want to be - so you can come to accept yourself.. :)


And a big :yt: to everything Joanie said.

[sissystephanie]

Going out dressed doesn't change, or affect, me at all! I'm a crossdresser, its what I do!
Since I don't go out trying to "pass," I am not looking for validation! I do interact with anybody who wants to talk to me. I am a poor dancer and drink very little, so I don't often go to clubs. Have never been to a club that is CD, TG, or TS oriented! But I do go out eat a lot, and also sometimes go to a local bar to have a drink. Most of the time I am wearing a skirt, etc. I am accepted for what I am, a crossdresser! No big deal!

:hugs::hugs:

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Since I don't go out trying to "pass," I am not looking for validation!

I think that's exactly where "the validation" comes in....since we're not passing (or able to pass) people still accept us for just how we look as a female...so it's not that we've been able to fool anyone to thinking we are a female rather the are (those whom we meet and come into contact with) accepting us a female regardless of how we look and that is what is so wonderful....

[docrobbysherry]

Whenever I fantasize about going out dressed, pictures of an angry mob, with torches and pitchforks, suddenly pop up in my mind!:Angry3:

[Starr]

I go out in Nashville shopping and at 6' and 200 lbs I stand out, but that doesn't really matter. I dress as most women would, hair is long, use lite makeup and just kind of be myself. I get looks and comments sometimes, but never sure if they are talking about the CD or the big woman.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Where about in Nashville????

BTW I was with Ginger the other evening when this was all happening....

[AKAMichelle]

Initial Feeling from going out in public - SHEER TERROR!

Eventually the fear eased and I became much more comfortable with myself. The biggest long term benefit of going out was confidence. See I had been paralzed in my business with fear. I had the fear of failure. After I got out in public, I found my backbone again. I have no idea how I lost it, but I did. I got it back when I realized that I could do anything if I could walk out dressed in public. That was the turning point in my business. Plus it led to meeting a lot of accepting people.

[JenJenNumber9]

and continued to go out, getting all dolled up for the sake of getting all dolled up no longer held much attraction for me.

If I go to the bother of getting dressed up, I'm walking out the door !

As you make more trips out, they say your confidence increases. For me, I would not call it confidence. Instead, I feel a sense that I belong in public; looking like I want to look. I am lucky enough to live in a very accepting and tolerant city (Los Angeles), so I regulalrly receive validation that I do belong at all sorts of venues; gay, straight, tg, mixed, etc.

I have yet to go out in day time but that is coming as my sense of belonging is building and I have been stretching myself. Going into a 7-11 or the the movies or a coffee house in addition to the bar or nightclub. Going into bars where I am the only TG instead of my usual safe haunt where it is a TG bar.

On the flip side, as I experience this, I want to spend more time out in public as a woman. The small triumphs are exhilarating and I feel a general sense of well being and calm when I am out and feel like I belong. For a few days later, I am thinking about where I will go next. There is definitely something addictive about this condition. But, I'll take that.

Congratulations on taking the first step out of that closet. Now, please do what you can to keep that closet door open and maybe even take it off the hinges.

[Nicki B]

Since I don't go out trying to "pass," I am not looking for validation!

I don't think it's about passing - in the sense of being seen as born female - it's about being accepted for who you really are, the whole you?



Whenever I fantasize about going out dressed, pictures of an angry mob, with torches and pitchforks, suddenly pop up in my mind!:Angry3:

So - you mean it's your mind that's the problem, then? I don't think you're unusual, sadly.. :)

[Sarah Doepner]

All the time walking about in the house never stressed my poor toes as much as getting out and wandering in the public eye. The last thing I want is to grimace and groan like I'm not enjoying every moment of the time out because my feet are on fire.

I know, that's not what you were looking for, how about this; I found my expectations were all about the wrong stuff. I expected a much different response as I walked around in a public setting. I discovered that a very high percentage of the people out there not only don't care about what I'm wearing, but don't even notice. Once the fear was gone I could focus people who cared or shared my interest.

[Catherine in Colo]

And in the "use it or lose it" category, it's just as easy to lose the confidence when you stop going out. A change in circumstances (albeit a good one) has made it such that I haven't gone out in a few years. Now that I'm getting back to the point where I'm starting to think about going out again, I feel like I'm starting over!

All the confidence I had gained, to the point that I didn't care or even think about how people looked at me, has almost completely deserted me! I can see that girl that was me, but have forgotten how I did it! So, when I do start up again, I feel like I'll be starting from scratch. I'd rather not go through the "first time out" jitters again, but I wouldn't trade the rest of the experience for anything, and I'm looking forward to it.

Here's hoping the "second first time" is easier than the first!

[jenna_woods]

most of all I gained self-confidence, it was a wonderful feeling, I hated to go home again, and after that frist time out with people around, I lost interest in just dressing around the house or just driveing around,now wen out I stop at as many places as I can, to chat and shop. and also love being called ma'm.

[Pink Satin Sissy]

I live in Nashville as well but haven't built up the nerve to go out enfemme yet. Where did you go?
Pink

[ReineD]

And, I think that your "level of satisfaction" changes. Being out, for most of us, has the effect of calming us. I think it's because we are now letting our femme-selves have some freedom.

I also noticed this in my SO. When we met she mostly dressed at home or attended a TG support group in a city two hours away, every two months or so. Then after we went shopping for the first time, within one year she was going out (by herself or with me) just about everywhere dressed in the mainstream ... shopping, galleries, cafes, restaurants, grocery stores, etc. And of course she has always been well accepted in GLBT clubs and events.

It did reach a point where social interaction while dressed became the focus, and simply dressing at home or attending CD support groups were not enough. This is a natural evolution IMO, since everyone including femme selves are multi-faceted individuals who need social contact and validation.

So be prepared for wanting to do increasingly more while dressed. You said your wife rejected the CDing. If you are no longer married obviously this is not an issue, but if you are married still, you and your wife will need to address your changing needs. IMO once you obtain more self-confidence, it will be easier to believe in who you are and be more assertive in letting your SO know that dressing is a fundamental need and not a "weird" hobby. But, again if you are still married, don't forget to balance being in guy/femme mode with your wife, unless of course you eventually discover you wish to be femme full-time, in which case your dynamics will change again.
:hugs:

[VeronicaMoonlit]

A trans acquaintance of mine has come up with what she calls her "Transgender Principles.

http://transblog.grieve-smith.com/?p=5

Of note to this discussion is #8: Experimentation Changes You.

And it does, it does.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[Jaclyn NM]

Once you go out enfemme, it certainly raises the bar from then on. I had the opportunity to go out enfemme on a number of occassions about 17 years ago, but since then have not been able to do it again. And I do so miss it. The initial rush was tremendous, but after that, I just became very comfortable being out in public as Jaclyn. Maybe someday I'll get to do it again. Right now, all I can do is hope and dream.

[windycissy]

Your life will never be the same again...going out was terrifying at first, but once I realized that most people took me for a woman and those that didn't were not unkind (there are exceptions, of course, which is why it's so important to avoid unsafe situations) it's opened a wonderful world of new friends and adventures, I love being out and about as a woman!

[RobertaM]

So be prepared for wanting to do increasingly more while dressed. You said your wife rejected the CDing. If you are no longer married obviously this is not an issue, but if you are married still, you and your wife will need to address your changing needs. IMO once you obtain more self-confidence, it will be easier to believe in who you are and be more assertive in letting your SO know that dressing is a fundamental need and not a "weird" hobby. But, again if you are still married, don't forget to balance being in guy/femme mode with your wife, unless of course you eventually discover you wish to be femme full-time, in which case your dynamics will change again.
:hugs:

Right on ,, perfect summary of my situation. due do limitations at home, i am doing little to no dressing at home. I have gone thru the freakout scared stage, and now am in the wow this is fun, what can i a do next stage. I feel the need to get out once a week plus more, what scares me is the need to do more. I know that balance with the SO is needed. great thread , thank you
Ciao! Roberta

[dawnmarrie1961]

I don't really go out that often. I'm a work-aholic. As far as "validation" goes I never asked anybody for it. I am who I am. Take it or leave it! It doesn't matter to me.

My interactions with the people that I work with is mostly positive. People don't give me a hard time because they know I'm not going to put up with it. I'm there to do my job. I expect them to do theirs.

[SweetCaroline]

Before I first went out in public, I used to dress frequently around the house and thought I was quite satisfied. Now, I never dress up at all without the intention of going out and being seen. It just doesn't seem worth the effort if I'm the only one who knows about it.

- Diane

I have to agree with this one. Except to try on new clothes, I very rarely dress up around the house anymore just for the sake of dressing up. If I'm going to get all dolled up, I want to be seen out in public.

I've been going out in public for the last two years and a lot has changed. I've become a lot less shy and a lot more sociable. I mostly hang out with other T-girls or in social group, tho I'm just as comfortable going out by myself.

I have no problem going out to mainstream restaurants or malls in the daytime, where as two years ago, I would have been terrified of being seen outside at all.

I think I did lose a little bit of the "fetish" aspect of dressing, but I gained a whole lot more.

[Kerrylee61]

Once I was out in public and comfortable with it, there was no going back. Gone were the days when I'd enjoy getting all girly and sitting around the house feeling wonderful. Those days are gone forever for me. If I'm not going out, what's the point? Oh sure, I wear female attire around the house and yard but no makeup, wig etc.

Forever more, the only way to enjoy my other side is to be out and about in the real world.

All that having been said, I am long past the pink fog stage in my life and have learned to live in my world whichever it is and be comfortable... Gee, it only took 60 + years.

Kerry

[Kristen Kelly]

For me it was like reaching a major life goal (or getting the monkey off my back). It took years to finally get enough courage to step out the door and go all out and blend in and be accepted as a female. After doing it once or twice I felt like I proved something to myself. Ever since I have felt relief. From the experiences going out I learned to accept myself and I'm not as shy anymore. I learnt a little bit about how you are acting can be used to improve the mood of others. I really recommend it to all CDers... I just wish I had done it when years earlier.


A trans acquaintance of mine has come up with what she calls her "Transgender Principles.

http://transblog.grieve-smith.com/?p=5

Of note to this discussion is #8: Experimentation Changes You.

And it does, it does..


Sally you couldn't have said it better. No matter how good a person looks not having confidence will make you stand out in a crowd. I blend well, have the confidence to go anywhere and everywhere day or night, I might get read by a few, but I don't care. I have tried acting feminine in drab (my own blonde highlighted hair), no makeup, can get missed and maamed by the guys with no trouble, that builds the confidence.

As to Veronica loved the principals and did they ever hit home, each day we live changes us, the smallest thing can make a big inpact on our lives.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. ‘Which road do I take?’ she asked. His response was a question: “Where do you want to go?’ ‘I don’t know,’ answered Alice. ‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘it doesn’t matter.' "
- Lewis Carroll

We are many times like "Alice in Wonderland"

[ReineD]

"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. ‘Which road do I take?’ she asked. His response was a question: “Where do you want to go?’ ‘I don’t know,’ answered Alice. ‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘it doesn’t matter.' "
- Lewis Carroll

We are many times like "Alice in Wonderland"



Have you read "Alice in Genderland (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0595315623)" by Richard/Alice Novic M.D.? :) Here is a preview (http://books.google.com/books?id=XHm9s79izEEC&dq=alice+in+genderland&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&ei=4XxPSrT3N47ONZGr4PUP&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4) of each chapter.

[Staceygurl]

For me it was like the cherry on top of the sundae. It was the goal I wanted to reach through my progression which may be similar to the other girls. Dressing up at home just wasn't enough after a while. I would get the courage to go out of my apartment building to the street and then walk around the block. Then into a convenience store to make a purchase. Then finally out to a bar or club. They were always gay bars or clubs. Felt more accepted, nobody harrassing you. Still haven't done other things enfemme that I want to: grocery shopping, salon, etc.