Trouble finding an understanding spouse?

[Chrissycd]

This is just a suggestion that I understand has made INCREDIBLE differences for many couples: Go to the SPICE convention in Denver, CO next weekend. It is an organization whose central intent is helping struggling spouses understand and appreciate cd/ts/tg partners. They provide knowledgeable speakers, support networks, and discussion groups to help couples in every stage of their relationships. They do NOT allow any actual crossdressers in the door at the event b/c the whole idea is to be as nonthreatening to the spouse as possible. I don't work for SPICE or have any affiliation w/ it, but I learned about this at a local TS mtng, and they recommended it HIGHLY. I'm single, but it is quite obvious that there are many girls on this site who NEED to find some way, come hell or high water, to attend. If not this year, go next year. Make it a priority. It's in a different city every year, so look them up on the net, and float the idea w/ your partner.
Good luck!
Chrissy

[uknowhoo]

Thanx Chrissy,
I've heard of SPICE, but hadn't really looked into it. It does sound like it could be a valuable resource for many of us.

[Julie]

Two problems:

You already have to have a spouse for this to help
You have to get her to agree to go there
SPICE is affiliated with Tri-Ess and they have CDSO locally held meetings frequently. It's always been a 'No CDs' policy so the wives/SOs can talk about their issues in private. Check out Tri-Ess's CDSO (http://www.tri-ess.org/spice/CDSO/CDSO.htm) website for more information.

[JoAnnDallas]

Julie...Something werid about the link. It takes me to the Microsoft web site..

[Tristen Cox]

Julie...Something werid about the link. It takes me to the Microsoft web site..
Try it again:
http://www.tri-ess.org/spice/CDSO/CDSO.htm

[Tamara Croft]

I fixed Julies link earlier :p

[JoAnnDallas]

Yep, that works.

[Chrissycd]

it might be difficult to get your spouse or SO to go, but they have a website that would help introduce them to the idea and see that it really is a good, healthy, nonthreatening opportunity. If you're SO is so absolutely disagreeable and in so much denial about who you really are, then, well, to be honest, maybe you might as well not even BE married to someone so selfish anyway. Hello??? Whose living YOUR life anyway, you or your SO?
The other "problem" Julie mentions confuses me. SPICE IS for couples so it's pretty much a given that the only people it would be useful for are people who are not single...right? Single people wouldn't need SPICE b/c they don't have an SO to have a conflict with.
I guess I thought more girls would find this resource to be useful. It seems like so many sneak around and hide from their SO or else act all shameful and apologetic about being true to themselves w/ their SO's that I thought this might be better received. Maybe it's just easier for some to just live in misery. I was just trying to help.

[Maria2004]

it might be difficult to get your spouse or SO to go, but they have a website that would help introduce them to the idea and see that it really is a good, healthy, nonthreatening opportunity. If you're SO is so absolutely disagreeable and in so much denial about who you really are, then, well, to be honest, maybe you might as well not even BE married to someone so selfish anyway. Hello??? Whose living YOUR life anyway, you or your SO?
The other "problem" Julie mentions confuses me. SPICE IS for couples so it's pretty much a given that the only people it would be useful for are people who are not single...right? Single people wouldn't need SPICE b/c they don't have an SO to have a conflict with.
I guess I thought more girls would find this resource to be useful. It seems like so many sneak around and hide from their SO or else act all shameful and apologetic about being true to themselves w/ their SO's that I thought this might be better received. Maybe it's just easier for some to just live in misery. I was just trying to help.

Good one Chrissy :thumbsup:

[Julie]

The other "problem" Julie mentions confuses me. SPICE IS for couples so it's pretty much a given that the only people it would be useful for are people who are not single...right? Single people wouldn't need SPICE b/c they don't have an SO to have a conflict with.

Chrissy,

Your thread is titled "Trouble finding an understanding spouse?" I read that and thought you were providing a way to find an understanding spouse not a way to help your spouse understand. Therefore my comment about you already have to have a spouse. Since you're single I thought you found that secret place where GGs are looking for us to become romantic with. :D Since I'm single, it caught my interest. :eek:

[Chrissycd]

that NOBODY who has these issues facing them seems to be picking up on the thread, but who knows, maybe they're reading and just not commenting. Didn't mean to confuse you, Julie. Maybe that's the way alot of the other girls took it, too. Ug!

[Maria2004]

that NOBODY who has these issues facing them seems to be picking up on the thread, but who knows, maybe they're reading and just not commenting.

We all have/had "these issues" facing us at one time or point or another. Doesn't matter whether you get a direct response, because the much maligned "lurker" is out there, looking for information, elucidation, comprehension. Maybe they won't respond today, next week, next year, but maybe some day becuase of what you posted stayed in their mind, they will get the courage to respond to someone, sometime.........Peace :wave:

Maria

[Lulie GG]

I have just spent 7 weeks trying to understand my other halfs needs as a cd.

Well if I'd read Crissys post all those weeks ago, I shouldn't have bothered I am obviously a selfish bitch for not understanding and should wave goodbye to 18 years of marriage, ruin 2 childrens lives let alone mine and my partners, OK he'd be free to dress whenever but he admits there are other parts of his life that are also important, one of them is me.

But I am know my place a shamed other half.

[jenniferluv]

I guess i must be really lucky in that my SO of 32 years understands, supports, and even enjoys this little cd thing. it was not always that way though. for the first 26 or 27 years of our marraige i was "in the closet" and when she happened to find my "stash" she just threw it all away thinking all the clothes were "trophies" of my conquests of other women. It was a long and very hard and weary road to opening up to her (which was done by blurting it all out) and i wish i had done it slower and with more tact. it all worked out once she realized that i truely loved her and wasn't looking for a "man" to satisfy me. i think that's the key here - make sure she KNOWS that it is her you truely love with all your heart even if you have to burn an entire wardrobe-which i did on three seperate occasions. it killed me but she was and is much more important to me than any clothes i might enjoy wearing.Just remember that your SO has to understand that he/she is the one thing you do not want to give up-even if you have to go back "into the closet".

[jenniferluv]

Hun, it took my wife two years to finnally come to grips with the cd thing. it will not happen overnight over a few monthes or possibly even years. you simply have to understand that this was probably the most embarrassing thing he has ever had to tell anyone....and he chose to tell the most important person in his life...the one he trusts most...and the one he hopes to have help him through a very confusing time for him as well...write and mabe you and my wife can discuss it and mabe she can give you some insight as to how best to begin the understanding process..jenny

[Tamara Croft]

If you're SO is so absolutely disagreeable and in so much denial about who you really are, then, well, to be honest, maybe you might as well not even BE married to someone so selfish anyway. Hello??? Whose living YOUR life anyway, you or your SO?That has got to be the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. How do you figure an SO is SELFISH because she/he can't agree with their partners crossdressing?? You have probably lived with it from a young age, you see it as 'normal', but you tell somoene you have been married to for a few years that you are a crossdresser.... and tell me if she should crack open the champagne and fully accept it in an instant...... I bloody think not!!!!

It took me 6 years..... yes SIX years to understand and accept my partner was a CD..... so for those years, would you say I've been selfish?? Was those years a waste of time??? A marriage is a bond.... not.... you live your life, they live theres........ You live a life TOGETHER..... do you not understand that??

:hugs: to Lulie... sweetie.... please don't take any notice of that, 7 weeks isn't a long time to take it all in. It is hard, it's like we have been dragged into the closet with them, no family to talk to about it, no friends...... just all builds up inside until you want to scream :( So I know how you are feeling.

[Claire B]

Hi all, it took my wife many years to accept the fact that my being Claire is a huge part of me. Even though she has been accepting and supportive, she still doesn't like the fact. And even now I guess you could say that I am still a basic closet type girl. But the main thing is that she knows. And it has made our lives together much better.

Hugs, Claire

[ChristineRenee]

It isn't easy. Understanding doesn't necessarily mean accepting. I have been with my wife for 12 years...11 of them married. She has known everything up front from the beginning...even me doing HRT, which she considers now to be "changing the rules." I don't think she has ever understood Chrissie...and maybe never will...I just don't know. But I have tried to educate her through books, this site, and even therapy. Sometimes she is pretty cool with things...other times not. I know that this is something that she would prefer not to have to deal with...but she did enter into this willingly too and she understands that this will always exist as it is who I am. But we love each other and that and this marriage is stronger than any disagreements we may have about this issue...or others. That's the best way I can answer this I guess.

[Jenny Beth]

My wife and I are closing in on twenty five years together, twenty three of them with this side of me open to her. Neither of us remembers much of the early days when this was so confusing but I do remember there were lots of tears from both of us. It has taken many years for us to understand that I am transgendered to a large degree and for her it has become a non issue. It is a non issue because I have gone as far as I care to go and she knows there are no thoughts of transitioning. But more than that she knows this is part of me and that I can never change that.

Every woman has her own way of dealing with this, the fact that most have a hard time with it is not a fault on their part. They are free to choose what they want in a partner just as we are. I can only speak for my own situation but it has taken many years to get where I'm at. It has taken love, respect and being open about our feelings. For those who are struggling I certainly understand what you are going through, but it takes time....lots of time.

[Chrissycd]

time and love and commitment and more love. No doubt.
And that's why I started this thread -- b/c SPICE is intended to help make the process less difficult, open up lines of communication, and improve relationships for cds and their partners. So, maybe the whole process will be one in which your relationships grow, rather than fall apart.
My "idiotic" statement earlier was not a put down of SO's who are struggling to understand their cds. I WOULD be an idiot to suggest such a thing. SO's who want to understand, would surely consider attending something like SPICE. I was referring to the relationships where some cds find themselves trapped w/ an SO who is never going to accept their cd. They do exist, and it's tragic that there are cds who will spend the remainder of their lives depressed, and beneath the thumb of an SO who can't find it within themselves to appreciate the femme side of their cd. I know there are histories and children and complicated issues and some cds are capable of sacrificing their cd side for the preservation of the other important matters in their lives. BUT, there are some girls who literally cannot live w/o this expression of themselves, and, speaking from experience, I think it is WRONG to suffocate it. That is where my feelings were rooted b/c there are many girls out there who suffer emotional damage, depression and even suicide b/c they feel that they cannot be their True Self. I hope this clears up some of the feelings expressed by others on this thread.
I hope the suggestion that SPICE might help some troubled relationships isn't lost in the midst of this.
Chrissy

[Jenny Beth]

Chrissy I certainy agree that SPICE and groups like it are helpful in getting SO's the information they need to sort through all of this. The fact that many attend these functions shows a willingness to at least understand but often the best many CD's can expect is tolerance and that is not acceptance. Yes it is wrong and not healthy to suffocate this side of us but for many it's a reality and one's priorites become very clouded. For so many it is a high cost to be yourself, it isn't fair but every one of us has to make decisions. I wish you luck in making yours.

[Chrissycd]

Jenny Beth. And thanks! I'm getting along very nicely these days. Hope things work out for those out there still wrestling w/ this difficult process.
Chrissy

[serena_mcd_wa]

I've got to admit, I thought this thread was about finding an understanding spouse as well. Thought you may have unlocked a secret for us single gals...lol