Don't ask, don't tell...

[Leslie Langford]

I know that there are many others here who, like myself, have come to a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of arrangement with their wives or SO's to better manage their crossdressing activities in as discrete a manner as possible.

It's taken us many years, but my wife has finally come to the realization that being transgendered is not a choice for me and even a full-blown exorcism wouldn't rid me of this "demon". She has come to accept this part of me intellectually and doesn't hassle me too much about it any more, but as we all know, GG's are highly emotional creatures and sometimes logic flies out the window.

I can understand my wife's reluctance to see me in feminine mode since at the end of the day, she married a man and doesn't have any bi or lesbian tendencies herself. Her big fear is that if she ever saw me this way, it would irreparably scar her emotionally for life and she would never feel the same way about me again.

But what gets me is that on the rare occasion when she might accidentally stumble upon an article of "Leslie's" clothing despite all my precautions to the contrary, she reacts like a vampire who has just been confronted with a sprig of garlic and totally freaks out :eek:.

My wife sees all of my credit card bills and knows what type of women's clothing I am buying and how much I am spending, and yet seems to be able to live with that. On the other hand, I have also been forbidden for years now to buy her any article of women's clothing for Christmas, birthdays, etc. because of a sub-conscious fear that I might be buying exactly the same thing for myself, and that would be just too creepy in her eyes.

I've tried to explain to my wife that this would never be the case as we have different tastes in women's clothing and given our different body shapes/sizes (she's a petite), what would look good on me would not necessarily look good on her and vice versa. I actually find this restriction very frustrating as I often come across an item while out shopping that would look just darling on her, but this "rule" prevents me from following through. If only she would realize what she is missing by being so rigid... :sad:.

Any others here who can relate to that same type of experience?

[raksha GG]

Well, that's pretty much how we live our lives here.

I grew up in the age of Stanley Baxter and other female impersonators here in the UK which meant the 'man in drag' was a figure of fun, all be it affectionate. My parents were back stage in Amatuer Dramatics, so at Christmas time, that meant the Panto Dame - another figure of fun. My partner deserves my respect, and that just doesn't sit happily next to the 'figure of fun' images that a man in woman's clothing brings. It is hard to convince yourself that you won't freak out if you see him dressed. I get angry when I see his picture on here. Maybe your wife feels the same?

What I have found has helped has been 'little baby steps', associating good times with little shared femine activities, such as mutual facials, nail painting etc. Maybe 'half way house' when it comes to clothes - ladies jeans with a baggy shirt etc.

The biggest problem is that these activities are some time consuming, it can seem like all your spare time is devoted to 'his' femine activities and there is very little time left for her 'me time' or even worse 'us time'.

[Miranda-E]

Any others here who can relate to that same type of experience?

I personally don't because I wouldn't choose to live in a repressive environment like that.

[suchacutie]

All we can do is relate to you things and situations that have worked for us.

There was no Tina until 4 years ago. We've been married for 36 years. Tina's discovery was mutual, and certain ground rules were set up immediately: we are both straight and in a committed relationship, Tina is a gf, not a lover, Tina knows nothing about being feminine or being a girl so all the help that her gf can give is greatfully accepted, this is a very vulnerable position for Tina and that is appreciated by her gf very much, when Tina's gf wants her man there is not a moment's hesitation to putting Tina back into her boxes and on her hangers, this is a private relationship on both our parts though we do at times go shopping together and (in drab) Tina does try on shoes, Tina is a 3rd party in our household and is talked about as a separate entity while Tina and her gf do talk about that male in order to share viewpoints, it is assumed that Tina and her male half don't share opinions about issues since Tina takes a feminine perspective (that's weird but it is functionally true), the masculine and feminine sides of my personality are to be explored and identified to our mutual advantage.

Some might say that this is a bizarre experience, and maybe it is, but Tina is going through an adolescence of sorts, trying to learn what every girl learns growing up, factually, functionally, and emotionally. Doing this together has been an incredible experience so far, and seems only to get better.

Just a couple of days ago my gf was trying to get me (Tina) to "chitty-chat" about myself and suddenly I was tongue-tied! She chuckled and after the moment had passed I realized what a tremendous opportunity I had lost just because I didn't know what to say! We talked about it and I said I hoped that she'd try again, as I think the same topics would be a rich source of "chitty-chat".

We all have a feminine side, some stronger than others. It can be a tremendous advantage in the workplace, and certainly an incredible advantage in a committed relationship. There is no similar way to share ideas and thoughts between spouses. I can't begin to explain how much better we know each other!

I hope it can work out for you as well.

Tina

[Leslie Langford]

I personally don't because I wouldn't choose to live in a repressive environment like that.

I don't really consider it a repressive environment, just challenging and sometimes confusing.

Point is, my wife didn't choose to marry a crossdresser, and like many others here, I didn't "come out" to her before we got married under the (now clearly absurd) assumption that this was just a phase I was going through and would gradually end once I was in a committed relationship with a woman. So I realize that I need to take a lot of the ownership here and cut her some slack in how she copes with this situation.

My wife has her particular coping mechanisms and so do I, but I guess there will always be some gaps that cannot be bridged, even if they defy conventional logic at times.

[Mitzi]

Leslie, my situation is almost exactly like yours. We try to avoid any references to my dressing, but should something trigger it, she becomes upset and mean. But it quickly blows over and we go back to quibbling over other inconsequential matters:).

I personally don't because I wouldn't choose to live in a repressive environment like that.

Miranda, if you love someone, you put up with "stuff"...I far prefer being with her than without. And while it may sound self serving, she needs me far more than she realizes, and that alone prevents me from abandoning her, guess that's part of love.

Mitzi

[kimmie_gg]

Leslie, how does your wife feel about you having hints of the feminine touch, like nail polish or whatever else you think is less intimidating? Perhaps she will be able to cope with a much slower transformation?

[MizLutz]

My X hated it and just about anything else that I did in my life. I asked her why in the hey did she marry me for. Over 5 years later she still didn't know who I was. Fastforward many years and my present wife has no problem with it at all! It surprises me at how many people have a problem with it. A neighbor from across the street came over one evening to borrow some milk and I answered the door barefooted and yes, the nails were painted and she noticed it right off the bat and started "OMG...." told her to get a grip. The person that I would really like to freak out is my sister! lol

[TGMarla]

I can relate to it completely, Leslie. My wife and I have much the same arrangement. She doesn't ask, and I don't bother trying to talk to her about it. It's rather stressful for me, and I greatly want to put it more out in the open with her. I have little or no desire to put it in her face. I don't need to dress in front of her, or have her participate with me. But I'd like to feel like I'm not a pariah, and I'd like the privilege of hanging my clothing properly in a closet with the rest of the clothing without fear of repercussion. She's found the occasional item, and doesn't freak out about it, but it's obvious she's not thrilled with it all. So I do my best, and we manage a rather loving and fulfilling relationship in spite of it all.

[Rachel05]

It is very strange in our house because my wife found out good a proper!!! no hiding it once she found my stash and she confronted me with it, I was incredibly relaxed and glad it was out, never expected her to be comfortable with it, but in fact we have never discussed it since, I have tried but she just doesn't want to so that is how it is.

She must know I am still doing it and I have become less careful without pushing it up her nose, but I see no point in the strict hiding regime I used to go through, now I have my clothes hidden but handy and I so want to share it more with her - one day!!!

[Leslie Langford]

Leslie, how does your wife feel about you having hints of the feminine touch, like nail polish or whatever else you think is less intimidating? Perhaps she will be able to cope with a much slower transformation?

Well, I'm at the point where I keep my body fully shaved during the winter months when most of it stays covered up with clothes anyway.

Initially, my wife expressed her her extreme unhappiness with that ("Everyone will notice; how are you going to explain it etc.?". Eventually, she realized that it was a losing battle and has grudgingly come to accept my doing so.
Mind you, the fact that I have agreed not to shave fully in the summer months when there is a greater chance of being "outed" has helped to put this particular issue on the back burner for the time being.

I also work out of our home at the moment while my wife is employed elsewhere, and she knows full well that I dress while she is away. Again, the DADT policy works for us here. The only drawback is that she works close to where we live and usually comes home for lunch. Needless to say, I've perfected my "Superman changing in a phone booth" skills in response to this, and since she arrives back at the same time every day there are no surprises. And when she does have to change her schedule, she always calls ahead to warn me that she will be coming home earlier. Pretty much a toss-up if that is more for her benefit than mine :doh:.

[frederica13]

I think you should pretend your phone battery is dead on one of those occasions she has to call home to warn you.:heehee:

[kimmie_gg]

Looks like you already have a system in place so that both of you can co-exist amicably. It's sad that you can't really share your femme side with your wife.

I notice that you seem really understanding of your wife, and as a GG, I appreciate that. I hope she will be able to gain more understanding of how you feel.

[Edwina]

And when she does have to change her schedule, she always calls ahead to warn me that she will be coming home earlier. Pretty much a toss-up if that is more for her benefit than mine :doh:.

My wife goes out shopping and or scrapbooking with a friend of hers. She lets me know that she will be gone the whole day and always lets me know when she is on her way home. I am sure she knows that I dress then but like Leslie I am not sure for whose benefit the call is.

:love:

Edwina

[Sara Jessica]

My wife is the love of my life, my best friend, such a beautiful person.

Yet she is burdened with this existence, having to cope with having a transgendered spouse. My description of her tolerance hasn't changed much lately, mildly accepting but decidedly non-participating. "Don't ask, don't tell" is the usual order of the day but there are times when she opens up where I feel magical. It can be as deep as meaningful conversation or as trivial as doing a little shopping together or when she is willing to borrow something of mine.

She has to deal with this from the outside and chooses to do it alone (perhaps for all the right reasons). Unfortunately, I must live with keeping my need to transition at bay on a daily basis and for the most part I do so alone as well. Even though most days are better than others, I cannot help but feel like having a bit more out in the open would help me deal with such an integral part of my being.

[Sarah_GG]

I'm always saddened when I read a post like this.

It seems so many of us GGs are unaccepting and intolerant of the people we claim to love.

I know many GGs didn't know about their husbands' desires before they were married and I can understand why they then feel very resentful and mistrustful.

In my limited experience of crossdressers I've found them (sweeping generalisation I know) to be gentle, considerate and kind. These men have carried a difficult burden throughout their entire lives - they've felt guilt, self-hatred, sexual confusion and shame.

Surely, if you love someone you'll do anything you can to make their life easier and happier?

I would always recommend a GG to read whatever literature is available to gen up on the subject to gain at least a minimal understanding of what crossdressing and transgenderism means to the men we love.

There is a huge network of support on this forum which helps GGs to find answers to questions and difficulties they encounter.

[Misty G]

While My wife knew before we were married and perfectly fine with it. I dress in front of her all the time. My previous wife exploded and we eventually divorced.

My wife and I enjoy my dressing and have in the past enjoyed going places together while dressed. She buys me things that she thinks I would look good in. I always make a point to model what she gets so she can see the way it looks.