Keeping up appearances

[TGMarla]

I'm outwardly just a normal guy. I like guy things like ball games and beers with the fellas, golf, the occasional cigar. I'm attracted to women, and I don't act overtly feminine in front of anyone. But given time alone, out comes the girly stuff. I like dresses and high heels, pretty hair, perfume, and all the fun, feminine trappings that I portray here on these boards. I have a really pretty and comfortable sweater I like to wear around the house, and I spend my spare time window shopping for nice women's clothing and browsing around on the forum.

But if I'm out in the yard doing something, or someone is over at the house, or my wife is home, all that stuff goes back under wraps, and out comes the guy again. I do everything to keep up the appearance of a regular ol' suburban guy. God forbid the neighbors see me with anything feminine, or any of my friends catch wind of this.

There are times when I really don't give a damn about it anymore, and it's only an ingrained sense of self-preservation and old habits that keep me from parading around wearing girl stuff no matter who sees me. I mean, it gets tiring, all this hiding. And I don't feel that I'm sick or perverted or anything. I'm just more comfortable and happy wearing women's clothing, and uncomfortable with anyone knowing I do this.

So what about you? Do you go the extra yard to keep up appearances or not? If so, what? How do you all feel about this?

[LisaM]

I guess we all have to keep appearances for the sake of our SOs and children and jobs etc... But I find myself expressing myself in other ways---that aren't standard guy-like activities like yoga and shopping and reading. It feels good to realize that I am being more of the person that I want to be.

[Angie G]

I'm about the same as you except I get to dress with my wife here. And She even buys me thins from time to time. I dress 5 days a week at home.:hugs
Angie

[Veronica27]

Your post sounds like it could have been written about me, about 2 years ago. Then I decided to take the plunge and attend a CD event about an hours drive from my home. I discovered that I didn't really care what total strangers thought when they saw me in the hotel corridors or on the elevator. I don't delude myself, as I know I was in a controlled environment where people were aware of the event going on and expected to encounter crossdressers. As long as they weren't friends, relatives or neighbours it didn't matter and it was more fun than I have ever had while crossdressed.

I have since attended three more such events, but it has had a profound effect on my crossdressing. I am still very much closeted and usually wear at least something feminine around the house more than I used to, but I do not very often have the desire to go all out and "keep up appearances" as you mention, as I am overcome with the "all dressed up and nowhere to go" syndrome. The fact that I can seldom relax when crossdressed around the house because I never know when someone will be dropping in unexpectedly, does not help. But I think the taste of actually getting out, although very rare, has made me aware of what is missing from my crossdressing, and has tended to make the constant hiding even more tiring and frustrating than it used to be.

Do you ever feel a desire to go out somewhere when dressed or are you content with being a stay at home type crossdresser? I sometimes envy anyone who has managed to find their true comfort level with crossdressing as I have been doing this off and on now for almost 60 years and while I now have a much better understanding and acceptance of the reasons for my needs, I have never been able to overcome the frustrations attached to never being able to simply do what I want whenever and whereever I want.

I believe that full acceptance of ourselves, involves overcoming all the inhibitions that have been bred into us during our formative years but that can be a very major challenge. In my case, just putting on a dress was a huge step in conquering those imagined fears, but I have a tremendous way to go before I can say I have arrived.

Veronica

[JaytoJillian]

Marla, you're not alone. My exterior is all "so mean he once shot a man for snoring" type of guy, but inside, I'm usually thinking about how I can score some "Jill Time." I go out, but Jill and Jay have no common friends. They lead separate lives, and so far I have been able to balance this. Don't mean to mis-speak, I still like doing guy stuff--alot, but CDing is a welcome break from having to always be "on" like I feel I have to do in guy mode.

[DinaMature]

I guess we all have to keep appearances for the sake of our SOs and children and jobs etc... But I find myself expressing myself in other ways---that aren't standard guy-like activities like yoga and shopping and reading. It feels good to realize that I am being more of the person that I want to be.

I agree with this response... Lisa, you've said a lot of what I've come to realize... I can express my fem side without all the trappings that are enjoyable but not always appropriate.

And in so doing, I'm becoming more integrated, where the two sides of me are by degree becoming less separate.

Compared to many on this site, I've only recently come to grips and acknowledged the Dina side of me. However, I've learned to enjoy her influence and presence. She can't always pick my wardrobe but she can still influence how I act, move or the other choices I make in life.

[Dana Lane]

I have been dropping my normal male mode for a more androgynous one. I am not in the same situation as a lot here are. I have no SO, no kids and my family is 1600 miles away. I don't like being an average male because I'm really not that comfortable with it.

[TommiTN]

"So what about you? Do you go the extra yard to keep up appearances or not? If so, what? How do you all feel about this?"

I don't go out dressed where I live out of a sense of self preservation. The good folks of the small town I call home just wouldn't get it, bless their hearts. I long to be me more often but if I did the yard work in a pair of cute Daisy Dukes, a tight tank top, wig and and wedges I'd be front page news in the local rag. In male mode I'm under the radar mostly, although I do keep myself epilated and moisturized. Most of the time I don't dress at all; there just seems to be no point to it if I can't go out.

[SherriePall]

I try to stay "under cover" as much as I can. Especially, around the homefront -- neighborhood and town I live in. 10, 15 miles down the road and I have been out dressed, shopped en drab, etc. Several SA's know me both ways and most of them are sweethearts.
During the summer you could not tell by looking at me (except, maybe, for my eyebrows which are thinned and slightly shaped) that I CD. For a while (until I discovered one-step press on nails), I was letting my fingernails grow out. But that is it.

[2B Natasha]

Do I go the extra mile. No. I just be myself. I've just always gone along in life and done my own thing in guy/me mode. Work on the car, house, yard, play ball yadda yadda yadda. My job is pretty masculine to start with so I don't feel a need to over compensate for anything. When I am at work, I mean real work I turn up the speed/death/heavy metal music, over caffeinated myself and pump up the testosterone. At work I go by the creed " If you aren't bleeding by the end of the day, you weren't working hard enough " Then when I get home, It's jazz or world music, cook a nice dinner have a glass of wine and sit and watch the grass grow and read cookbooks.

Or perhaps I misunderstood the question. From what you say about working in the yard that doesn't sound like over compensating just doing stuff. Over compensating to me would be more like forcing yourself to go kill small animals ,even though you hated it, just so the neighbor wouldn't call you a Nancy girl. OR?

Now do I hide my Femme self from the neighbors? To a point. I have no problem walking out to talk to them with sandals on and my toes painted red. But I wouldn't go over and ask for some sugar in a skirt.

Question for LisaM. When did reading become a non standard guy activity?

[Sally2005]

That's pretty much me. I have accepted the CDing. The only reason I don't come out is because I enjoy dressing up to relax and I'm also very independent, it is an escape activity. Telling others would complicate their lives and mine. It could be described as a spiritual thing.

[Veronica27]

When I posted my first reply, I felt that your great post could be taken in one of two ways. In your first paragraph, you emphasize how feminine you like to be in girl mode, even though you dress purely for your own satisfaction and don't venture out. The phrase "keeping up appearances" could refer refer to your desire to dress as fully and femininely as possible, and so I decided to address that approach first. I used to try to keep up appearances until I ventured out the first time, but now it seems a bit futile when I have nowhere to go which is most of the time.

In your second paragraph you describe how you keep up the appearance of being a guy when you are gardening, or others are around and so on. I would like to address that interpretation of the post now. Simply put, I think that when I was younger my crossdressing made me much more aware of my need to appear masculine in front of others so as not to give any hints as to my clandestine activities. Accordingly, I took steps to try to "keep up
appearances" and overemphasized my masculinity, and my supposed distaste for the more feminine things in life. Age has a strange way of mellowing us, and now that I am in my 70's, that no longer seems important. I don't care what people think of me, with the exception that I still don't want my friends, relatives and neighbours to know I crossdress. They can think I am crabby, cantankerous, moody, a skinflint or an all around great guy. Part of the joy of being a senior is being able to be say what you want, because people seem to expect complaints and gripes about things, whereas you could never get away with the same comments when you were younger without provoking a fight. So, the conclusion is that I no longer consciously try to keep up appearances, regardless of whether I am in girl or guy mode, at least not as far as masculinity or femininity are concerned.

Veronica

[LilSissyStevie]

I'm not sure I seem all that normal to others. I live in the mountains with my chickens and pigs, my orchard and garden clinging desperately to my religion and my guns.:heehee: I could walk around in a dress if I want to and no one could see it was me without a good pair of binoculars.

There are several reasons I stay in the closet. One is that I really don't care to go anywhere. A lot of TGs seem to like or dream about going to clubs, eating in restaurants or going shopping and that is pretty close to my idea of Hell. When I go out I try to be invisible. If I were en femme I would be noticed - no doubt about it - even if no one looked at my face. I don't dress like normal women:eek: and don't care to either.

Another reason, and a more important one, is my wife wouldn't care for it. At least she wouldn't want me to be out to anyone we knew. She occasionally talks about having a girly weekend in Vegas or somewhere like that but see reason #1 for how that appeals to me.

It's not a matter of my fragile little ego being hurt by public disapproval. I think I earned my stripes in the sixties with my long hair and outlandish clothing. You could get killed being a long-haired hippy freak in the upper south in those days. It's more a matter of risk/reward. The idea of shopping en femme for panties at Wal-Mart does nothing for me. But if the guy at the feed store saw me he might not call me when he got a shipment of cheap cow hay.

Of course, my guy clothes are a disguise. I don't want the random public to know the 'real' me. I want them to leave me alone.

[Kate Simmons]

I actually do whatever I want. At this stage of the game, there is very little anyone can do to me anyway, so may as well enjoy being here and being myself.:)

[PaulaJaneThomas]

I've found this a very interesting thread. It's clear that many of us allow others to have a veto over our lives whilst we're not allowed to have a veto over theirs. No society which claims to support equality should allow this situation to persist IMHO.

[Greymancd]

Well the other day I was working on the box of my truck and I just got the urge to dress so I put a skirt on and would continue going in and out of my garage to do the work and get tools and such . Now my drive is fairly protected form outside viewing but I noticed when people drove by and could have seen me in that skirt no one even looked.

[TGMarla]

Simply put, I think that when I was younger my crossdressing made me much more aware of my need to appear masculine in front of others so as not to give any hints as to my clandestine activities. Accordingly, I took steps to try to "keep up appearances" and overemphasized my masculinity, and my supposed distaste for the more feminine things in life.

And I did the same thing. I wore a moustache for over 20 years, thinking that no one would ever suspect that a guy sporting a moustache would ever consider crossdressing. I shaved it off about 7 years ago, and I haven't missed it for a day. I only grew facial hair again when I appeared as Ross in a production of The Elephant Man. I suspect that I still overcompensate a little on a subliminal level.

But for the most part, I do tend to present to the outside world the portrait of a typical married suburban male. I don't go out often, even though I get a big thrill out of it. Chicken, I guess. But I rarely even step out of the house wearing anything even remotely feminine, for fear that a neighbor or two will see me. Probably silly, but it's been ingrained into me over many years.

[Jaclyn NM]

After reading your post, I felt as if I could have written it, since it describes me to a "T". I don't think I consciously try to be overly masculine, I think it's just me, but I don't deny my female side which is obviously very strong, and truly comes out when I'm dressed. Anyway, I guess there are two of me, and so far I've learned to live with it and even enjoy it. What a nice escape it is to get totally dressed, and be my other self.

[suchacutie]

Those of us not 24/7 and out to anyone and everyone each has a reason for this crazy lifestyle. It really might be easier to just pick one gender and live in it, but we can't now can we?

Some of us can't because our situation limits us by the priorities we've set, or by priorities we feel we've caught in. Regardless of the reasoning, we feel the need to protect our feminine selves and the trappings of that self in one way or another. Some of us have help in this. I certainly do. My wife protects Tina whenever the situation arises and I admire and respect that help.

For me, Tina is NOT a relaxation. Tina takes work, and only when my life is relaxed can Tina come to "visit", as we put it. It's not her job to release the stress of the rest of my life. My relationship with Tina is not that way...I protect her too, at least for now, because I'm not yet sure who she is. We just discovered her 4 years ago, and even though she's now handy enough with makeup, clothes, heels, and mannerisms, she still isn't sure of her voice, her language, or her ability to respond and think in what would be considered a feminine manner (in general). She needs the protection we give her to incubate her budding feminism. That does mean that she goes into her boxes and suit carriers when there are other people in the house, it means the makeup gets put away, and it means all the books and literature are out of sight.

That doesn't mean she's out of mind. In fact, Tina is never out of mind. She is a member of our family group even if most of that group don't understand it. Tina is a frame of mind. Even in the midst of a crowd, my wife and I have often shared a quiet comment on the world around us such as, "Tina would not have approved of that (whatever it was)" or "hmm, Tina would sure like/look good in that, don't you think?", or "what would Tina think about that?". Of course, these are quiet conversations between the two of us, but it's constant.

Putting on the clothes and the wig and the heels, walking as a women, and stopping that low resonance in my voice isn't only what Tina is about. Really, whether in the closet in her boxes and bags, or displayed in her full refinement, Tina White is always here!

[Sharon B.]

That post describes me to a "T".
Should I go out anywhere I will wear long pants even in the summer as I do my best to keep my body free of all body hair.
But around the house I will wear shorts and a sleeveless shirt, I would love to wear a woman's swimsuit outside but that hasn't happen as of yet.
Should I ever give up a couple of other hobbies that require me to be outside and move back into a subdivision or apartment as I now live in the country with a few acres to take care of. Then I will do more as a woman and I won't care who sees me as a woman.

[docrobbysherry]

Unfortunately, socially, Robert and Sherry mix like water and oil!:sad:

However, there R advantages to dressing to suit ONLY YOURSELF! If u wish to dress "hooker hot", or "drag queen" icky, or put on a rediculous costume, u CAN! And U won't hear even one WORD OF CRITICISM!:D

Unless you're CRAZY ENOUGH to post pics of those goofy outfits here! Like I do!:brolleyes:

[Joanne f]

I cannot have the one thing that i want so i compensate for that by inspiring to to be effeminate as i can do that in whatever i am doing , and what i have found is that you do not need the clothes to do that so it is an all the time thing , so no i do not deliberately switch modes to keep up appearances but i do find myself drifting without realising it (old habits die hard):D just got to take my bracelets off when i am doing some things as do not want to brake them lol

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Marla
Like you i enjoy all the feminine trappings at home and even the very occasional trip out.
Also like you, i appear as very much a guy when i'm with my friends in the "real" world.

I think for some of us we compromise who we are for an easier [in some ways] life and just make the best of the situation we find ourselves in.

[reneedtg]

I'm not sure I would say I do anything "extra" as a guy...but there is no mistaking that I'm a guy. But when I get the chance to "let my hair down" all that maleness goes away. And I do love that.

[LACD]

Yes I try to put on a front because if friends and coworkers found out that would be the end of job and career. Dear Wife is accepting but she is nervous our two sons will find our. I'm getting close to 60 now and I think I might start living life on my own terms. What the heck, I was looking for a job when I got this one. Anyway, I would love to have more girl time and be more open about dressing, but I guess I'll have to bide my time. I hope one day to live as I would really like to, but it seems like a pipe dream.