Relationship roller coaster ride

[wendy68]

Hello, I just wanted to see if anyone had some insight into the mixed messages that my wife sends me about my dressing. I told her a few years ago and since then she has gone back and forth from not accepting to semi acceptance. Its usually semi acceptance. I follow her rules about not dressing in front of her and as she has asked I dont talk about it unles she wants to. Its the different extreme directions she takes that frightens me. She goes from being ok with it and throwing in jokes in which we both laugh for a month or so , then will have a blown out anger episode and just a few weeks ago baked a batch of cookies , turns to me and said "take these to your TG support group tonight so that they can enjoy them." One minute she saids she cant accept me then the next minute is supportive. At least twice a month she asks me to do her nails along with a pedicure. -----Wendy :confused:

[Di]

I am guessing that she loves you and wants to be supportive but sometimes things just get to her.
Here's some ideas in this post.

Now I Like It, Now I Don't

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890

[WandaRae2009]

I am in a similar situation and feel for you. At some times my wife is tolerant and others she is angry. She accidentally found some pictures, and went ballistic. She made be promise to never post a picture on the internet. She wants me to stay as deep in the closet as possible. She actually got mean the last time. She is afraid someone we know or a family member will find out. She still thinks in that I want to transition permanently, which I have no desire to do. The up and down is what is so difficult to deal with.

[Dressing Jill]

Be thankful you have a TG support group. Here in east Texas that would be a turkey shoot.

[LisaM]

When I try to imagine how I would react if I were my wife (or your wife) I think I would react in a similar manner. There would be a little bit of disbelief as well as denial. At the same time there would be some understanding because our spouses love the person they married.

But that is lot of emotions and thoughts to unwind so I am not surprised by your spouses' reaction.

[Jean Ann S]

yes Dressing Jill ,,,,,and in Texas we would be the Turkeys unfortunately

Jean Ann

[Georgia Rose]

I guess it's all about understanding. Your wife appears to be fearful that she is going to lose you (as she thinks you want to transition). Some professional counselling might be the best answer but she would probably say you needed it more than her.

My wife is generally supportive, never abusive, but sometimes hard to figure out. I dress when she's around but try to get a sense of the mood. At times, I'll think, not tonight, and then get asked "I thought you would be dressing tonight". I might dress as a woman but am still trying to figure them out after 60 years.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

That was the same situation with me and my wife..now we're going our seperate ways....

Sorry for not being upbeat about this...

[MissConstrued]

Sounds like a woman.

[Sandra]

Sounds like a woman.

Oi :lol:




Wendy have you spoken to her about these changes she has?

I would think that she is trying to be supportive and maybe gets a little scared at times. Try and talk to her and maybe suggest this place where she would be able to chat with other SOs

[CharlotteW]

Gotta love those hormones eh:) ...."At least twice a month she asks me to do her nails along with a pedicure"

Here's a thought.....As many (if not all) of us are somewhat more feminine than standard 'common or garden' males, perhaps we are somewhat extra hormonal too, and maybe a little too sensitive at times.

Take care

[wendy68]

Thank you all so much for the insights into this. I keep telling myself things will be ok. Im strongly thinking counseling may help but its something she may not go for, shes very private even if it was a counselor knowing about confidentially. The other members support group ask me if she would come to the group but that would be a miracle in itself. She cant tolerate seeing me dressed. I cant image how she would react, but I think I could get close.--thanks again everyones thoughts--Wendy:hugs:

[Tanya C]

It sounds like she is trying hard to accept your crossdressing but being only human she struggles with the issue. This is something that may take some time.
Make sure that you fully communicate your thoughts and feelings whenever she wishes to talk about it. Don't hold back, tell her everything.

It seems like your on the right tract. Good luck!

Tanya

[paulaN]

My ex was very much the same way. I found that it was closely related to her period.

[Jodi]

Just remember that any man who thinks he can figure out a woman is delusional. Also, just when you think you have it mastered, PMS kicks in and all the rules are null and void.

Jodi

[Presh GG]

Have you sat down with her and said " Honey can we talk. " I know most women would be thrilled to be included in their sos lives.

Please will you try to start the conversation ?
Why wait for your wife, she's probably waiting for you.
I so hope you are pleasently surprized.

Peace,
springtime gg

[wendy68]

Have you sat down with her and said " Honey can we talk. " I know most women would be thrilled to be included in their sos lives.

Please will you try to start the conversation ?
Why wait for your wife, she's probably waiting for you.
I so hope you are pleasently surprized.

Peace,
springtime gg

I would love to talk to her but her rule is that I dont bring it up unless she does. She doesnt talk about it except once in a great while so chances are few. She usually just says a remark ,either a joke or a short jab. someday i hope

[GaleWarning]

Why don't you break the rules?
You are getting nowhere under the present system.
It sounds like it is time to take a risk ...

Wendy, you can't go on like this. You need to talk to your wife.
Sit her down, with a glass of wine and some cheese nibbles, and bring up the subject.
If she tries to pass things off with just a flippant comment or a joke, don't allow the matter to rest.

There are two possibilities ...
She may fly off the handle, but she will be aware of your unhappiness.
Or she could surprise you!

The ship of a relationship has to weigh anchor and get moving every now and then. When in motion, there has to be turbulence. But without this turbulence the two of you will never be able to move to a better anchorage.

Blessings.

[Presh GG]

Yes , I agree with Clayfish and Tanya c.
I doubt she will shut down an honest attempt to talk... really !

Please let us know how your talk goes.

we care.

Peace,
springtime gg

[MsJanessa]

to quote Woody Allen---"a relationship is like a shark, it has to keep moving forward in order to survive"

[wendy68]

Thanks clayfish and springtime for the thougts on talking to her. I ve tried many times, almost each time with bad results. She has gone so far to say that she has accepted that I am crossdresser but wont disscuss my feelings concerning it . She at present reports that she wants little part of it and she gets mad if i try. Believe me thoughts of rule breaking enter my mind all the time. Outside of going to a TG support group once a month ,I feel caged in my basement den room. I used to go driving and shopping at large supermarkets admittedly at late night hours but had alot of fun and it felt great. I once even sneaked out once and went to a local gay bar to go dancing. I probalby havent had that much fun in a long time. She now reports she wont tolerate me leaving the house dressed fearing what others will think if I was discovered. She worries about what her friends would say to her and worries about how it could impact my standing especially in employment. --Wendy

[paulaN]

It is not about you at all. It is all about what other people think. And if you should ever get caught what will they think of her. How could she ever live it down. Wow It sounds so familiar.

[KateConnors]

I know how you feel Wendy. My wife is a little bit oscillatory on the matter of my trans-ness. She's fine with the idea of me being transgendered, and is fine to go shopping with me, but things get weird for a day or two after I go out en femme. The idea of being married to a someone transgendered is fine for her, but when push comes to shove it makes her very uncomfortable.

[Bev06 GG]

When I try to imagine how I would react if I were my wife (or your wife) I think I would react in a similar manner. There would be a little bit of disbelief as well as denial. At the same time there would be some understanding because our spouses love the person they married.

But that is lot of emotions and thoughts to unwind so I am not surprised by your spouses' reaction.

Wow thanks Lisa,
Someone who who actually tries to see things from the other side of the fence. As an accepting GG there are still times when I feel a tad overwhelmed by everything and try to get my head around it all. There are even times when I am criticised for how I relate to my CD. We have parties, we socialise, we dress fairly regularly, I take pics, I buy him stuff but the one thing I have to say is although everyone expects me to understand him and meet his needs not many people expect it the other way round.
For instance I am constantly criticised for calling Him He instead of She. Something that I do have a problem with and something that I am constantly being picked up on by most other CDs. Ah well guess acceptance is a funny old thing hey. Try and accept the fact that your wife will have her off days and thank your lucky stars that she's still hanging on in there despite the fact that for most of us acceptance and understanding is not only a gradual thing but something that we need too.
Bev

[Satrana]

The other members support group ask me if she would come to the group but that would be a miracle in itself. She cant tolerate seeing me dressed.

This process of back and forth will never stop until she confronts her transphobia. By agreeing to hide your femininity from her, you are allowing her transphobia to continue unchecked and her fears will resurface regularly.

Her transphobia can only be resolved by exposure to your femininity. You need to get her to agree to see you and other CDs en femme and interact with them until she gets comfortable. Only then can she rid herself of her fears. She may never like CDing or want to actively join in, but she has no reason to fear it and hold it against you.

[Tania D]

My wife is like this as well it goes from not wanting to acknowledge it to when she comes back from a shopping trip with a new skirt for me and says I thought you would like this. I do sometimes think we expect our partners to feel the same about our femme sides as we do and any degree of acceptance is an achievment. Put yourself in her position how would you feel if she started dressing and acting as male would you be able to accept it 24/7 without your own worries. It does not make her transphobic because she has worries but very special for trying to accept your female side

Tania

[charlie]

Hello Wendy!
My wife has said that she does not want to hear about it and does not want to see or discuss it. I have taken her at her word. I do not want to lose her. Perhaps your wife is really not supportive at all. She is just doing kind things (like the cookies) because she loves you, but is not being supportive of your CD. From most posts here it seems that SO's that did not know about our CD before they were with us seem to have a very hard time with accepting it.

[wendy68]

Thanks for all the supportive thoughts and ideas from everyone. I will carry with me all of your thoughts and ideas as the next weeks , months pass. I guess Im afraid of confrontations with her because of the fear of her leaving and we have a 4yr old son which i love to pieces. shes very intimadating to speak to when shes angry, she is loud. Im just the opposite. After the recent blow up she had her best friend call me to discuss the issue and proceed to tell me how my wife is feeling. Even thought this wasnt my wife speaking to me directly if was at least some form of ommunication I thought.

[Satrana]

You are in a tough position if your partner is not willing to sit down and talk through relationship issues in a mature fashion. It leaves you with few choices as her stance is essentially - my way or the highway. You may have to resolve to sacrifice your own happiness to protect your son until he is old enough to deal with bigger issues.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

It sounds like she's trying to or at least wants to be supportive, Wendy. Even though she may want to be supportive on the surface, I'd say she's obviously struggling with it. The fact that she does not want you to dress around her seems to indicate that she is not comfortable seeing you in a feminine form. Perhaps she only wants to think of you as her man, period. Some women have trouble with the idea of a feminine man and want to be loving and supporting, but also want their man to be masculine, period. It's understandable - not all women are going to be happy with a cd, at least not fully happy.

I'm not sure what to say other than maybe try to engage her in this conversation. The only way you're going to get any relief from the roller coaster is to look at this issue with her and allow her to share her feelings with you. There may be things in her mind that don't sit easy with her and you might be able to help her understand them better if that is the case.

I know you're not supposed to bring this up, but if you want to work through it, it needs to be discussed. Otherwise, hold on tight and enjoy the roller coaster ride.

Good luck. :)

[BarbiB]

That is how it began here. I see you are only 40 years old. Give it time. By the time you are 55 or so, she may well evolve into a multipolar dysfunctional train wreck of metabolic imbalance, as mine did. :straightface: You will yearn for the good old days when she was simply intolerant, yet somewhat sane.