sutck in the middle

[M/F Dakota]

I am at quite a loss. I do not identify myself as male or female. I was born "male," but have always enjoied doing "feminine" things. My early years were increadably unstable and I was NOT permitted to express myself much.

Now I have a wonderful family, a great career, and life is really pretty good. With this new found sense of security I ha been able to start to deal with/express my more "feminine" desires. My wife has been wonderfully supportive so far, but this is as difficult for her as it is for me (if not more).

These issues seem to be tearing our marriage (and two kids) appart. At this time I have no desire to become a woman, but I do not feel comfortable as a man either. I would like to just be able to be me, but in this society that does not seem possible.

What I really need is some help/advice on intrigrating thses parts of me into one person. I already do most of the cooking/cleaning, child rearing, ect. We both work, but she makes almost 50% more than I do. I love to wear women's clothes, and in a perfect world I would have breasts, a vagina, and a penis. I don't want to loose what what I already have. I just want more.

I know that this cannot be the first time someone has said this, but it is the first time for me.

Any words of wisdom?

[Shelly Preston]

I think you may need to slow down it this is tearing you both apart

Its not easy as you know but you have to try and find some balance
You are a whole person even if it seems like you have differing sides

I am sure you can resolve this if you take time to check out all the possible solutions :hugs:

[Kathi Lake]

Hi Dakota!

The only words of advice I have for you is to have lots and lots of long talks with your wife. First, of course, you need to have lots and lots of long talks with yourself. What, exactly, do you want to do with your life and your body? What would you be willing to settle for? What would you be willing to give up to achieve those goals? Once you have the answers to those questions, bring those answers to your wife. Do you think she would want a husband with breasts and a vagina? Could she live with you the way you want to be? Are you willing to risk your admittedly, "wonderful family, great career and pretty good life" for changing your life so drastically?

Let us know how we can help you both.

Kathi

[TGMarla]

Come to grips with what you are, and you will be better able to deal with who you are. There are times when I have great lament at the fact that I came out on the male side of the genetic crapshoot, but as has often been said in these forums, the grass may seem greener on the other side, but often isn't. I am resigned to always being a male person, but I offset it with frequent forays into crossdressing, which for me is a near total transformation. There are still issues, laments, and regrets, but they are not so much that I cannot function well in my day to day life.

So either you are going to transition, or you are going to pursue this life as a male. No one says you cannot be a rather feminine and sensitive male. And being so does not mean you're gay, either. It just means that you are a feminine and sensitive male. There's nothing wrong with that.

And if this is tearing at your marriage, and your marriage is important to you, then recommit to it right now. Tell your wife how much she means to you, and place your commitment right there in front of her. In that light, some crossdressing will seem less of an issue to her hopefully.

[deja true]

Golly, 'Kota, words of wisdom (and some not so wise!)come flying fast and furious around this place ... and sometimes in very unexpected times and places.

Read a bunch, and not just in the threads with headings that you think might apply to your question. And when you find a wise answer or a post that makes a lot of sense to you, go into the archives and search for more from that poster.

There are quite a few very wise souls here that are always worth listening to, from all categories of membership, boys, girls and gg's . You'll figure out who they are soon enough.

Get your 10 posts in and more of the site will open up to you, particularly a number of the private forums that may be able to help you more discreetly than on the public forums.

There is a conundrum in your post here ... that your wife is supportive, but still, you are finding that your marriage is rocky. Without a lot more info, I can only offer the following: Keep in mind that your lady probably didn't come into your relationship knowing anything about how you really felt or dealt with these gender issues. So, unlike you, who has probably been obsessing over all this gender stuff for your whole life, this is all new to her ... and more than a little bit scary.

Go slow with your revelations, with your wishes and dreams. It's up to you to be the supportive one for her while she tries to take it all in and figure out what it all means for herself, her kids and her relationship.

You're young, darlin'. Don't rush your own agenda to the detrement of your relationship. In fact, you might even think of allowing your lady to be the one who's in charge of your progress. The more that she feels that she has some control over the situation, the calmer your realtionship may become, I think. Anyway, it works that way for me! :)

Reassure her, hun, remind her daily that you love her and your kids.

:<3:

[M/F Dakota]

Perhaps some clearification is in order:

My wife does not care what I wear arround the house, in fact she gets increadably turnned on by me in dresses etc.

We ARE concerned by: Sexual orientation (I have always been bi-courious, but have never acted on it), Long term goals (I am unsure what I want/am, so how can she even begin to?)

We both like to make decisions and move on with life, but in this case there does not seem to be an effecient (fast) way to gather enough information to make a good decision. Right now we are both so stressed out about this (and many othe sh*%%y things that have happened) that we can hardly think streight.

The stress is affecting everything.

[deja true]

...
We both like to make decisions and move on with life, but in this case there does not seem to be an effecient (fast) way to gather enough information to make a good decision. Right now we are both so stressed out about this (and many othe sh*%%y things that have happened) that we can hardly think streight.

The stress is affecting everything.

What's your hurry?

A quick search for answers is a sloppy search...

Life changing decisions need a thorough researching (and not just on the freekin' intraweb!) ... and time and thought to digest and make a decision that does the least amount of damage all around. Maybe you both need the guidance of a counsellor or therapist... especially if you're stressing each other out!

:)

[PaulaJaneThomas]

I don't strongly identify as either male or female either. Having said that, I'm struggling to understand what you're really asking for. All I can suggest is that you make a list of all things you find uncomfortable about you birth sex, work out which ones could be changed and form a plan to change at least some of them.

[Kathi Lake]

Then it sounds like counseling is in order - for you, to help you figure out where you want to go, and for you both as a couple, to figure out where you want to go.

You say that you are unsure on what you want. Is that just what you say on the outside? Inside, is there a voice that you may not want to listen to, or admit where you really want to go? Your wife deserves for you to come to her with as clean a direction as possible. Saying "I don't know" doesn't really cut it in a decision this important.

You say your wife is turned on by you in a dress. Cool. You also say you're bi-curious. Have you admitted this to your wife? How do you think she would take you bringing a man into your bed? I know there are many very open women in the world, but I think you would be hard-pressed to find one where a situation like this wouldn't be a deal-breaker.

Honestly, we want to help. Chances are, we've already been where you are right now. We've seen the rapids - and the steep sudden drop at the waterfall - in the river you're swimming in, and would want to spare you any pain possible. Get some counseling with a qualified gender specialist. They can help you come to terms with what you can't seem to, or don't want to.

Kathi

[Miranda09]

Everyone has some great advice here. As has been said, take your time, what's the rush. Work with your supportive wife and take things one step at a time. Maybe counceling would be in order, maybe not. Only the 2 of you can decide that. It almost sounds like you're trying to catch up on lost time. I have the same idendification issues, but have learned to enjoy both my male AND female sides, as both are who I am. It takes time, but be patient and just have some fun and enjoy the whole experience. Above all, don't let it affect your family. :)