Repudiation of transsexualism

[Frances]

What do you do with friends (or so-called friends) who repudiate your transsexualism? I am accepted completely as woman everywhere in society, and while some people who know that I am trans may think I am crazy, they still have to respect me (at work for instance).

But do you do when it's a friend, and they posit that your gender identity is non valid and that you just have not had enough psychoanalysis yet? For instance, I have known this person for 30 years and we used to be real close friends. He is among my friends on Facebook and was the first friend I told about my transgendered feelings. At first, he was totally accepting, but after talking to his father who has been in psychoanalysis for some 15 years, he had a change of heart. He says that is "all in my head", but what isn't? Homosexuality is "all in one's head" and so is gender identity, yet they are not viewed the same way by most people (at least since the removal of homosexuality from the DSM).

How can you relate to someone if you don't acknowledge the very core of their identity?

Caroline

[Lisa Golightly]

My best friend accepted my crossdressing... He accepted the idea of transsexuality... but when hormones led to an interest in boys there was all kinds of trouble. It has taken months of effort on my part and his to see beyond his immediate issues of me being with a boy and of his losing his best friend.

Whatever way you cut it... he has in a way... I'm not who I was around him even though I'm the same... well mostly the same... I may have always been Lisa in my head but he only ever saw the boy... Now he sees a girl and... well... it ain't the same.

He did say some quite nasty things at times, but I think he realised I was not going to revert back so has grown accustomed to me now. He is far more relaxed and has even offered to travel with me when I have SRS...

But be in no doubt... if he hadn't have changed he'd have been history. In the end you have to be ruthless or you'll end up the merely accepting the grudging allowances of someone who has absolutely no comprehension of transsexuality or its consequences.

[deja true]

...But (what) do you do when it's a friend, and they posit that your gender identity is non valid and that you just have not had enough psychoanalysis yet?

How could a real friend deny the identity of another? Sounds like he really didn't know you very well in the first place... or his friendship was more about what he got out of your relationship than what you shared.


...For instance, I have known this person for 30 years and we used to be real close friends. He is among my friends on Facebook and was the first friend I told about my transgendered feelings. At first, he was totally accepting, but after talking to his father who has been in psychoanalysis for some 15 years, he had a change of heart. He says that is "all in my head", but what isn't? Homosexuality is "all in one's head" and so is gender identity, yet they are not viewed the same way by most people (at least since the removal of homosexuality from the DSM).

Is your friend then taking on the opinions of his father? Being in psychoanalysis for 15 years doesn't necessarily make the old guy an expert on what a valid identity is or isn't. After 15 years of seeing a shrink, it seems he doesn't even have his own issues sorted out yet. Hardly an expert on psychoanalysis, either. And he won't ever make any progress if he's as close-minded as this sounds. Too bad he's infecting his son with the same lack of tolerance or empathy. That's a sad,sad person.


How can you relate to someone if you don't acknowledge the very core of their identity?

You can't and you don't have to stress over it, Caroline. People come and go in our lives. Sometimes we grow together and sometimes we grow apart. You and your so-called friend are growing apart. You, we know, are progressing, becoming a better and more well-rounded and happier person. Your friend seems to be regressing, becoming more judgemental and insular.

Like a marriage that's gone south, it may be time to just shake hands and say good-bye as friends, before the loss of respect and love gets more painful and becomes unbearable.

Sorry, darlin'. But you'll still have friends here who admire and respect you. And I'm sure there are plenty more out there in your real life that are just waiting to meet you. You're a brave and beautiful woman. Who wouldn't respect you once they got to know you?

:)

[Frances]

Thank you both.

[Frances]

The thing is that I spent 40 years hating this part of myself, feeling guilty over it and refusing to accept it until it became impossible to continue pushing it down. To have friends or family telling me that I have just not fought it hard enough brings back those feelings of guilt, that I am a defective person in need or repair.

I have spent the last two years of my life transitioning and, more importantly, learning to love myself. Everyone I meat now accept and appreciate me exactly as I am, whether they are gender-gifted or not. Maybe letting go of some people may be necessary, but he may turn around again and be a good friend like Lisa's.

I wish that guilt function could be lobotomised out of my brain; I have been getting better at it, but I am still fragile.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

This will probably sound harsh but I always say you don't lose any friends through this, you just find out who your true friends are.

[Veronica_Jean]

Caroline,

I too have gone through 40 years of self guilt, doubt, hatred, and a lot more. Somehow it seems to be part of what we do to ourselves along with everything else.

I don't know why some people that have known us are so dedicated to keep us male. Perhaps they don't believe we never were. Perhaps they are suffering for their own loss so much, they want to find a way to end that. Perhaps they somehow are told by someone else that this just a choice and you can choose to go back, and they are pushing you to go back.

In the end, our own guilt coupled with a change in attitude of a friend creates even more guilt that many of us have struggled with.

I know this is not a choice. One day we either change or we die. It sounds drastic I know, but I believe once we reach that point there is no choice. It is out of our hands and we must follow that path period. We can either fight it and destroy ourselves, or we can embrace it find peace and freedom.

Your friend's father sounds like someone that wants to think they know something because they are in therapy, rather than someone that actually knows anything. Everyone would think this sounds stupid "I have taken my car to the mechanic for years, so I am an expert in fixing cars".

I hope your friend stops and realizes you are much better now than before. If not, he may just have to go away, and stop causing you all this grief. :2c:

:hugs:

Veronica

[Sharon]

It's a simple matter, really -- friends do not repudiate friends. They may not understand, but they do not deny you the right to be who ou are.

[Sheila]

How can you relate to someone if you don't acknowledge the very core of their identity? Caroline


The thing is that I spent 40 years hating this part of myself, feeling guilty over it and refusing to accept it until it became impossible to continue pushing it down. To have friends or family telling me that I have just not fought it hard enough brings back those feelings of guilt, that I am a defective person in need or repair.

I have spent the last two years of my life transitioning and, more importantly, learning to love myself. Everyone I meat now accept and appreciate me exactly as I am, whether they are gender-gifted or not. Maybe letting go of some people may be necessary, but he may turn around again and be a good friend like Lisa's.

I wish that guilt function could be lobotomised out of my brain; I have been getting better at it, but I am still fragile.


You live with you 24/7hun, you can't escape you, so if you had trouble accepting who you are, does it not seem feasible that someone such as your friend, who is not living with you 24/7 can have trouble understanding and accepting ....... so many have accepted then rejected thenselves so often, started down the srs path, only to back up and do an about turn, so is it surprising that sometimes family and friends do an about turn........you never know your friend may do another about turn,.... allow that he can be as confused as you please:sad:................. one of the many things I have learned being on here is the amount of pain TS's and CDER's, inflict on themselves, from drugs, alchohol, knives, burning themselves, risking their lives in so many damned ways it is not funny



My best friend accepted my crossdressing... He accepted the idea of transsexuality... but when hormones led to an interest in boys there was all kinds of trouble. It has taken months of effort on my part and his to see beyond his immediate issues of me being with a boy and of his losing his best friend.

Whatever way you cut it... he has in a way... I'm not who I was around him even though I'm the same... well mostly the same... I may have always been Lisa in my head but he only ever saw the boy... Now he sees a girl and... well... it ain't the same..


Lisa says it well..............while you always saw the girl in you, he saw the boy, and no matter how easy he was with your transexualism, before you started making permenant changes he still saw his friend (male friend) ....... and we know how visual men can be/are (okay a sexist comment I knowbeat me for it ;):heehee:), the fact is you are now changing and fast, your external, is now catching up with your internal, and while you are understandably happy about that, for others it can cause confusion, their mind is saying one thing & their eyes another (sound familier:heehee::heehee:)


How could a real friend deny the identity of another? Sounds like he really didn't know you very well in the first place... or his friendship was more about what he got out of your relationship than what you shared.

Sorry, Deja, that is a tad unfair, I keep saying on here, knowing and living wit,h are two very different animals................ I am sure they both have many happy memories of the 30 years as friends, good times and bad for each of them .............. sometimes no matter how we want to accept something, we just can't, that is sad, but very true


You can't and you don't have to stress over it, Caroline. People come and go in our lives. Sometimes we grow together and sometimes we grow apart. You and your so-called friend are growing apart.

you said yourself.......people come and go in our lives, so if this is a time when he is going, why does he/they suddenly become SO CALLED friends


You, we know, are progressing, becoming a better and more well-rounded and happier person. Your friend seems to be regressing, becoming more judgemental and insular.

Why is he regressing and becoming more insular ? ............ if he can't comprehend Carolines progression it does not make him judgemental ..... although I hear some harsh judgement in your post (I may be reading it wrong, if so I am sorry)



Sorry, darlin'. But you'll still have friends here who admire and respect you. And I'm sure there are plenty more out there in your real life that are just waiting to meet you. You're a brave and beautiful woman. Who wouldn't respect you once they got to know you?:)

friends on the net while fantastic ( and I have made several good friends in cyber space), can only add to the friends we have in RL, they cannot replace the feeling of getting falling down drunk with your best mate of X amount of years, waking up next morning wondering what the hell we did the night before, they cannot physically hug you when you break your heart over a loved ones pain/death, it can take years for a friendship to develop, years of doing the stupid silly, crazy things tog, as well as the frightening, serious things, before you can laugh yourself as silly as the friend who walks in on you twirling in front of the mirror thinking you are "IT" only to have em tell you you forgot the SH in front of IT and after wanting to sticksomething pointy into their head you take another look and see they are right & thats what friends do hun, look out for you.........sure we loose friends but if they are that good ,they are irreplacable ................ we may make others and in time the will/may become as close, but a friend once lost, cannot ever be replaced:sad:



I wish that guilt function could be lobotomised out of my brain; I have been getting better at it, but I am still fragile.

Your friend may very well be feeling the same hun ...........he may very well wish he could lobotamise part of his brain .................the bitthat can't quite accept it just yet............ this is a hard road to travel but not just for the girls & boys taking it, but also for their family and friends as well.

Please, I did not mean to offendanybody with my post ............lord knows where our road may lead us and we need,as many friendas we can have wherever it is going .......... so if Ioffended you I am sorry :sad:

[Anna the Dub]

Sheila, your post is very knowledgeable and insightful. Sometimes we forget that it is not only ourselves that have to learn to live with this aspect of our natures, and that our family and friends can have real difficulties letting our previous lives go.

[Deb The Brunette]

This will probably sound harsh but I always say you don't lose any friends through this, you just find out who your true friends are.

I don't think that's harsh at all ....I agree


.

[Paula Thomas]

Frances - Re "[a]t first, he was totally accepting, but after talking to his father who has been in psychoanalysis for some 15 years, he had a change of heart."

I would respond - "When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail."

If your friend does not have any other tools than his father's "hammer", you may want to downgrade him to "acquaintance".

To paraphrase Lincoln - You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot please all of the people all of the time.

Pleasing yourself should come first (if it does not hurt others).

[morgan pure]

It's not just in our heads.

[LisaM]

Frances,

Your story seems so familiar to so many other stories I have heard. Your path is not easy--I know because I haven't followed it yet because of my fears of the same issues.

You seem to be doing so well that I think you should think of this journey as 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It may change at times to 2 steps back and 1 step forward but in the end you will become the person you have always felt you were.

Like so many have already said, your journey is your own but everyone around you is on their own journey and their perspective is different than yours. We all find different friends as we travel through our lives--people come and go.

I would try to focus on the positives of your transition and understand that negatives will occur but you need to try to push them beyond you because they can become consuming and you can't let them consume you.