I'm a freaking mess

[sherryleigh]

I'm a 50 year old mess. I've been "dressiing" since a teenager. Done absolutely nothing about it except hide it. Lots of purging, lots of denial, lots of shame. I can't tell my family it's too late. I've tried to be "normal" and it isn't working. I want to be myself, whatever that is, and can't seem to do it. It's not about being gay or straight.

It's difficult to explain how I feel. I'm torn between wanting to live an honest life without hurting my family. Or friends for that matter. Friends are easier to acquire but family is difficult. I'm not sure if any of my statements are making any sense but it is how I feel, at least at this moment.

I guess what I want and desire is acceptance or understanding. I guess I'm asking for help or understanding. Either is acceptable.

[TGMarla]

Hi Sherryleigh. I understand.....I think. Lots of us grew up at a time when we had the privilege of thinking we were the only ones on Earth who did this. Read: no internet. As a result, we learned to hide this whole thing while we went about putting our lives together. By the time we realized that we were actually a part of a greater community, it was far too late for us to be open about it to our families and our friends. Sherryleigh, try to enjoy your femme time, and try to balance it with the rest of the life you have put together in the mean time. There are other ways, of course, but sometimes it can lead to madness. We're always around for you to lean on. Try to derive your happiness from the good things that you have in your life.

[Jeannie]

Marla is right. Enjoy the time you have when you have them and this site is a wonderful place to express yourself. I was certainly amazed when I found it. Everyone here has been really honest and caring. I know it helps me.

Jeannie

[alexis GG]

Sherry crossdressing is totally acceptable... please dont feel inferior to anyone else nor what others away from this forum may say... I hope yo find comfort and the answer your looking for here, many ppl are in the same situ as yourself...... Just remember one thing you are not alone with this

[Persephone]

Hi Sherryleigh,

Please count me in as one of your friends and supporters.

It sounds like you're going through a rough spot right now and, girl, we've all been there at one time or another.

We care.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[BreenaDion]

Its never to late sherry . I am 54 an almost 100% transitioned into female , transgenered. Ya last hurdle was antidepressents. Got them out of my mind an WOW did my brain flip a 180 . OH My God !!! I would of never thought it was possible that ur brain can flip like that. Seams all my questions about me I answered by staying true to my self an all the pieces of a hard an painful life finally has come together. I am at peace with myself cause my path is clear to TS an who I am Feamle.. It is so remarkable that you feal one way about the world , act, think, respond an so. To do a complete flip of 180 degrees sounds so imposible I would of thought years ago but now its Wonderful. So much peace an calm I an truely blessed for this to happened to me, Thank you GOD!!!. Things in life are not there any more that wood bother me to complete my journy , If it means a divorce, oh well I must be complete in order to work on relationships with others.

If you really want peace within your self maybe you need to come out with it ., let the emotions flow. But in my case I cant stop I have to go forward , always forward cuz that ugly monster will be waiting for me if I go back an thats not an option !

" Be true to your self " words to live by. This will help you follow your unconscios mind an whats its trying to tell you.

I even have chemical changes in my body without the use of hormones. GLBT will tell me about that one in a few days. First appointment with new dr for HRT next week .

Good luck sherry. Love Bree :love:

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Sherryleigh, honey, c'mere. <arm around your shoulder and a sweet, sisterly kiss on your cheek> Knock it the f*ck off, darling. It's never too late for anything. There...I said it. It is never too late to live your life how you want to live it. It's all up to you. No, I do not mean that you should selfishly choose to make it all about you and what you want and damage or even destroy your relationship with your family and your friends. I don't mean that at all.

What I am trying to say is that you are not a "mess", maybe you feel like it, I know I have, and so has nearly everyone here. But it doesn't mean that you can't be yourself after all this time. Listen, girl, I spent nearly all my life hiding who I really am, I was older than you before I decided I couldn't stand faking it anymore. Yeah, I'm lucky, I have an understanding and supportive wife. I came out to her before we got married, though not totally, back then it was just some kinkiness. Fortunately for me, she has accepted my girlside. Who knows, maybe your wife will as well. Only you being brave enough, it's the hardest thing in the world, will tell.

Sherryleigh, I could ramble on and on and talk about myself and how things have been for me and my spouse all night. Lots of other girls here have stories to tell as well, and probably better ones than mine. All I can say is that you are in a place where you will find sisters who know what you're going through and will understand. I wish you the very best, hon, you and your wife and family and friends as well.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[sami1952]

I share your feelings,i'm in my 50's too and i felt the same way,i finally came out to my wife when she found my clothes and she started asking questions,everything went well and just last month i came out to my younger sister,everything went well too. so your are not alone.I fixing to tell my older sister next.Just be yourself and wait for the right moment to tell one member of your family and go from there,good luck.

[AlannahNorth]

Hello Sherryleigh,

You are not in a place where no one has ever been - and hopefully by now you see that you are not truly alone anymore. We all want to be ourselves, and indeed, we ultimately have to be for our own sake.

I can't tell you how to balance it all, neither can I say that I have answers that will work for you (I don't know if anyone can). However, I can say that being able to talk (on this forum) will help you, now, and in the process of figuring out how you will handle your situation.

My best suggestion: don't make decisions or do anything when your mind is scrambled, or if you feel panicky or out of control - as they often tend to be mistakes. I learned that when my wife and I broke up years ago and it made a difference.

My other suggestion: remind yourself that you will again feel good, tomorrow can be better (and will be - if that's what you want).

I also found that learning some form of meditation (get proper training - from someone who knows what they're doing) made a crucial difference in my life from the first day onward. Before that I didn't really give it much credit, until one day my circumstances drove me to try it out. It will help you to be calm and find some inner peace.

Well, there's my two cents worth. You have a wealth of resources in the people on this forum - use what seems right for you.

Best wishes,

Alannah

[Celeste]

Hi Sherry,your statements make an awful lot of sense to me,at least every two weeks or so I go through a mental evaluation of this existence.I think I've decided that at times I will always have some resistance and apprehension regarding it,but most of the time I'll be perfectly ok with it.

I'm not unstable or moody in any other areas of my life,the question for me then became ,does this affect any part of my life or anyone else's in an adverse way,and as long as I don't put the ball in their court by telling them, it can't. If I'm second guessing myself I'll give the dressing a break for a few days and wait for the right feelings to return.

[Diane Elizabeth]

I am in a similuar place as you are Sherryleigh. My 57th is just 5 weeks away and I feel like a mess. I feel that by the time I can step out of the closet (SO knows I dress). I will be dressing in my grave. Not too many years left and I can't find a happy medium. What can one do to solve the dilemma. dy len

[Samantha Kelsey]

Hi Sherry,

You won't know if they'll accept or understand you unless you tell them. It would be a shame to live the rest of your life unhappy for the fear of possibly upsetting someone who can't or won't understand you.

I mean I don't understand alcohol abusers/drug users/thieves/child molesters and a whole host of others nor do I accept any of their excuses for doing it but they're not bothered about my feelings are they?

[Rachel05]

I am nearly your age and for many years I used to feel like you do and it was hard, but over recent times I have relaxed into accepting what I am or maybe what I enjoy and I really do enjoy cross dressing, it is not illegal, it is not anything other than relaxing for me now. In a strange way it helped me a lot when my wife discovered my little secret, she confronted me and I had always thought I would be distraught, but I wasn't, I was calm and felt an inner relief.

I had accepted my plight well before this but my wife finding out helped me feel completely relaxed about it, she doesn't speak of it and we haven't discussed it beyond the initial conversation, but I feel at one with me.

Then finding this site was such a boon and the realisation that I was not alone or individually strange has just helped even more with the acceptance and the enjoyment, it took me a little while to get brave enough to register and then to actually post, but it helps me more than I can say to be able to share and understand

[Sheila]

hun at 50 you are still young (I know cos I hit 51 in Jan of this year) and have a whole lot of living still to do:) ...... it would be a shame to hide this side of who you are for the rest of your life :sad: and you are "normal" whatever normal is :hugs:

Acceptance on this road is fraught with dreadful periods of shame and angst, it shouldn't be, you are hurting nobody, but by keeping this bottled up you are hurting you:sad: is there not one person who you think you could talk to, a family member, a co-worker, a member of the clergy, anybody at all that you feel you could trust enough to unburden yourself to, are there any GBLT support groups in your area who may know of someone who would be willing to chat to you ? Any close GG friends that you feel may be sympathetic and would lend an ear (we can be discrete :heehee:)

[Sarah Doepner]

It's difficult to explain how I feel. I'm torn between wanting to live an honest life without hurting my family. Or friends for that matter. Friends are easier to acquire but family is difficult. I'm not sure if any of my statements are making any sense but it is how I feel, at least at this moment.

I guess what I want and desire is acceptance or understanding. I guess I'm asking for help or understanding. Either is acceptable.

Sherryleigh,
You have done a great job of explaining how you feel. Your conflict is real and based on your love and commitment to others while you don't feel they will love and accept you if they find out about your crossdressing. I feel the same way, sort of. My wife knows now, but she found out before I could get the nerve to tell her. She sees how important it is to me to have this side to my life and for that I am very thankful. However, I still am fearful of how other family and friends will react if/when they learn.

Before my wife knew and could accept or understand me, I had to make that leap myself. Places like this website and support groups helped show me that others could accept me. Based on what I learned through them I slowly began to accept myself. Be aware that it took much longer to start the process than to finally accept that I am a crossdresser. You have started on that process now, so you are already quite a way down the track. I learned that while it's not mainstream, it is pretty common and not all that bad. When I finally had to deal with my wife, I knew enough about myself and crossdressing that I didn't panic and could explain without stumbling over my tongue.

In the meantime, don't freak out. Accept the support you find here and look for ways to get some face to face support in or near your area. Most important, don't beat yourself up any more. You have time on your side, honest. As you read through some of the posts here you will find that many of us didn't really come to grips with crossdressing until were roughly the same age you are now. We are doing fine and you will be as well.

[Tracii G]

Mid 50's here too I have to keep it from my daughters and close friends.I'm sure some have a clue but they don't seem to care.
I dress when I want and just try to have fun with it.
Nothing wrong with you believe me We're all on your side.
Join a TG group in your area that helped me a lot.

[vivianann]

Sherry I understand what you are feeling I am 49 yrs old, and it was three yrs ago that I could not hide it anymore, it seems as we get older we reach a point of no return, and we do not want to hide anymore, we want to be our true selves, I dont have a wife, so it was much easier for me to come out to friends and family. I am so thankful that I was able to find the courage to come out with my crossdressing to everybody, for me it has been a wonderful experience so far, I am free to wear what I want now, the freedom I feel when dressed is wonderful, it is like I finally broke the chains of bondage and I am freeeee. I have overcome depression since I have come out to the world. I know it is difficult to come out to a wife and family, and I wish you luck my friend. You need to be your true self so you will not suffer anguish from hiding your true self. I can tell you this, that the desire only entensifies as you get older, I dont know if you have a wife, but if you do, you will have to take her feelings into concideration also, I wish you all the best, and take it one day at a time. :hugs:

[sterling12]

Ditto's on Joni Marie.....this morning is the beginning of the first day of the rest of your life! Where that path is going to lead you, nobody including yourself really knows.

BUT, you kind of have an obligation to explore it. If you don't, you end up with a lot of yesterday's and a lot of regrets.

You didn't say where in SW Florida, but my Support Group covers a lot of that area from Sarasota north up to Chiefland, and out to Lakeland in The East. And, there are other groups further south and east.

It's a good place to start, and if you have an interest just PM me. I am amazed over the years at the number of gurls who start on their journey just like you. Be warned, once your gurl-self escapes from the box there is no going back, she won't allow it. So those first steps are scary and exhilarating. It gets a lot easier when you have friends to help.

Peace and Love, Joanie

PS: In your fifties is pretty common. In fact it's probably the majority of Gurls who finally come out. We aren't sure of the reasons, lets just chock it up to a lifetime of your gurl-self being deprived. SHE almost demands/commands you to finally allow her some time.

[Nicki B]

Sherry, if you had no restrictions - what would you do? :)

[BreenaDion]

Ina nut shell nicki as would all therapist would tell you

" Be True To Yourself "

I Cant get it any clearer.

If you want internal lasting peace.

The Path is clear

Or stradle the fence an deal with it.

I lost all my mental inhibeters, path is simple. I dont want to rear the monsters ugly head, so forward in a positive way.
Confusion is not excepting what an who you are.

Good Luck sherry

Get some professional help ....... PLease!
Bree :love:

[LisaM]

Sherry,

I totally understand how you feel and I truly empasize with you. Keep looking for personal acceptance. Once you feel good about yourself you can begin to be what you want to be.

[Nicki B]

Bree - first of all, surely - she has to give herself permission? :)

[VictoriaP]

Honey, when I came on to "our" site tonite, where we all get to be exactly who we are, I was feeling a bit blue because when I dress, which is often these days, I am nearly always alone. ( I am 55 and not quite "passable".) I was feeling sad. Then I read your post and realized how lucky we all are to have this site and one another. I am very lucky; a year ago next month, I came out to my wife, completely. At first it was a bit difficult for her and for me as well, and there have been a few difficult times, but crossdressers.com has come to my rescue almost everytime. We are so fortunate to have one another. We are so lucky to be able to be honest with ourselves. If it is in your future to tell your wife, that will happen. For now take care of you. Be happy for the times you are completely yourself. Enjoy you!
I would be proud to have you call me another one of your friends.

[Angie G]

Sherry I know it's hard hiding what we do I did it for years. until 3 years ago when I came out to my wonderful wife who totally accepted Angie into her life. I don't think it ever to late at least it wasn't for me. I dress 5 days a week in front her and we even get things for my girl side when we are out shopping. I can;t say if it would work for you but think about it hun.it is the best thing I ever did. And you are normal you just like being a girl that's all. And we love you.:hugs:
Angie

[AllieSummers]

Sherry Leigh,

Honey, I know how you feel. Just reading your post brings back memories of the pain I've gone through my entire life. But don't think it is EVER too late.

I'm 44 years old and just came out to my wife about 3 months ago. I don't plan to come out to everyone but I have come out to a couple of close friends, my oldest daughter and my future son-in-law. I plan to come out to my youngest daughter soon.

I don't know if this would help but I have a blog that documents the last few months since I came out. A lot of it will not be important for you to read but if you read the first few entries I get into a lot of detail about my past, coming to grips with who and what I am, coming out to my wife and the process since then.

You can find it at: http://profiles.yahoo.com/alliesummerscd

Go all the way back to the first entry entitled "In the beginning...".

If you need to talk or chat just let me know. My wife and I would love to help if we can.

Kisses,

Allie